When the voice of Claudius Templesmith pervades the sound of my cries, I almost don’t hear it, “I present to you the victor of the 45th Hunger Games, Serena Elodea of District 4!”

Everything was wrong.

The phrase sounded like I was supposed to celebrate. How could I? The only boy I’ve ever truly loved was gone. I had nothing except memories that would torture me.

The hovercraft came out of nowhere.

They had to ply my fingers away from his body. I felt empty. They sat me down on one of the chairs as they took him away.

His blood was still on my hands.

I didn’t notice anything. I just stared straight ahead of me, to where he last disappeared. I kept telling myself that he would walk around the corner and smile with his dimples and wrap his arms around me. I waited. Nothing happened.

I still had his blood on my hands.

When we arrived at the roof of the Training Center, they guided me to my quarters here. I felt a stab of pain, remembering that I woke up next to him the last time that I was here.

I didn’t expect to come back alive.

They kept me in my quarters for the next few days, and had tests on me. I didn’t refuse. What else was there, really? They removed any scars that had appeared on my body. They made my skin flawless again. They nourished my hair to make it bouncy and shiny again.

I had no use for it. The only boy who had the guts to go near me when I looked like this was gone.

Gone.

A wave of tears would erupt every time he infiltrated my brain, with his stories, his smile, and his last admission.

I woke up one day and saw that the outfit laid out was what I wore in the arena. Was this a sick joke?

I was probably allowed to go out of my room now, because I looked perfect on the outside. I put on the costume, disliking my comfort in it. How could it be that I had been celebrating the fact that the arena was mine a few weeks ago? It had been a curse.

I ended up engulfed by the people who I thought I would never see again. Aldo. Mari. Lolly. Alta. Paisley. Scarlett. Circa.

They all congratulated me, except for Aldo, who kept glancing at me to see my reaction. I didn’t know what was on my face. I just knew that I hadn’t bothered talking or moving any facial features.

My prep team headed into my room and had me take a shower. They did everything for me. Afterwards, they did what they usually did, chattering as they buffed my nails, styled my hair and made up my face.

I tuned them out because I couldn’t see anything important about whatever it was they were talking about.

They had dinner brought in for me, and I ate a lot after the many days that I was only served broth and bread.

When I was finished eating, and they were done with their work, they gave small smiles and I tried my best to give one back.

Alta had me all to herself.

She didn’t bother talking. She was one, if no the only one, of the few Capitol citizens who could read me like a book. Instead, she just took out my dress and displayed it for me to see.

It was a Capitol version of my reaping dress, but it was still plain and beautiful. There were more embroidery of the silver scales and the fabric was more expensive, but the cut was the same. I looked at Alta for an explanation.

“I wanted Panem to see you not only for your beauty this time,” she said, helping me into the dress and fluffing my hair from where it got stuck from behind. I realized that there were no gold or blue pieces in my hair. “I want them to see what they should have from the start, which is a strong, brave beautiful girl that was a product of District 4 and not the Capitol.”

These words seemed to be the only ones that awakened me. “I’m not the same girl from the reaping anymore, Alta.”

“I know,” she said melancholically, “and that’s the only way Slate will live on.”

His name brought tears to my eyes, but Alta said the right words before I could ruin my make up. “Be happy that what everyone else thought was an act, was actually real. Very few people in this world could find what you have found with Slate these past few weeks. Let him live on in you.”

I had my first appearance as the victor right after. It was customary for the whole team to show up one by one from under the stage. The prep team went first, and then Lolly, followed by Alta and then both my mentors. I kept myself together as the metal plate slowly ascended, revealing me for the first time since I won.

The anthem is loud in my ears, but the only thing that could compete with this noise was the loud cheer from the audience.

Paisley, Scarlett and Circa all hopped into the spotlight as they were introduced. They gave tiny bows and let Lolly take her bow. It had been a few years since she had this moment of recognition. Alta received booming cheers as she appeared, looking composed as usual, with her high bun and pristine white outfit. Aldo and Mari stepped in, and smiled at the audience, who probably knew them very well from their last Games. I could hear Aldo’s name clearly from among the audience. This finally proved that we were indeed, a family of victors.

And then it was my turn. When I had the lights on my face, with my face the only thing on the screen, it took a while for Caesar Flickerman to have them quiet down. It took them a good five minutes before they let him speak.

I sat quietly on the victor’s chair, and waited for the replay of events. It would surely hurt, but I didn’t have any other choice. My only hope was that I wouldn’t break down in front of all these people.

These were the last three hours. Everyone would be watching me, waiting for my reaction after knowing that I just lost a boy that I loved.

The Games have only lasted for about a week and a half. They could easily squeeze in what story they had prepared in three hours. Of course, I knew what they had for me, and it was going to take everything in me to keep the cool smile on my face. There would be a camera locked onto my face the whole time, just to see my reaction while replaying the scenes from the Games.

It showed me as the perfect tribute. I had three tributes’ death on my hands the first day, and was the reason why most of my allies survived the next few. They showed the parts where Slate and I were getting cozy, and then suddenly, we broke apart because something had happened.

I clenched my fists as I saw my old allies, fighting and dying. I finally saw how I lost consciousness, and I saw what Slate had explained to me in our shelter. He hadn’t explained in extent just how much he protected me. After he killed the tribute from District 10, he was immediately by my side, shaking me awake. He took my pulse to see if I was alive. I saw what sliced through his face. He gained that injury because he had his back to me and extended his arms, as if he could play a human shield.

Lark and Taffeta came into view, both murderously entering the fight. It’s what they had been trained to do. They weren’t taught to run away in a fight, and they both knew that they had a chance to injure, if not kill. The sickly Lark that had seemed to frail, turned into someone who used two machetes like extended limbs.

I had to look away for a few seconds. I didn’t want to see their deaths any more than I wanted to see the others. I didn’t want to go back into that arena or relive it through these videos. When I looked back, I saw that Slate and I were in the shelter, kissing. I couldn’t help it now. I felt the tears start pooling in my eyes, but I stopped before they fell down my cheeks.

They showed the rest of my kills, and my anger at Xavier’s death. The battle with Boone on the cliff seemed to be the longest clip, because I knew what was going to happen after.

The last scene. I felt like I was stuck in that second, looking at Slate before he was broken. I remembered the things that ran through my mind, and I never thought that it would end up that way. “I love you,” the words repeated on screen, and I feel haunted by his voice that seems to give a silent hush over the whole stadium.

He fell in, and they must have slowed down the pace, because my dive for him looks so clean and beautiful, it was heartbreaking.

The anthem played out and President Snow rose as he went over to me and placed the crown on my head.

Caesar reminded everyone that there would be the final interview tomorrow, and I waved at the audience and smiled.

At the Victory Banquet, I plastered a fake smile on my face the entire time. The Capitol officials all wanted a picture with me, and I finally met the sponsors who generously kept me alive. I thanked them and smiled for their photos.

By the end of it, the sun was almost rising and I had to fall asleep before I cried myself to sleep.