(scene: downtown Toad Town, low-income housing sector)

(Jeep pulls up to the curb, and Peach, Daisy, Rosalina, Waluigi, and Captain Bro get out)

: (on the phone) Yes, yes, I know sir, I'm wiring the 500K over right now... Yes, I know, I'm sorry, and I hope that'll help restart the program- What? Oh, yes, uh- (click; Peach hangs up and glares at Daisy) Well, thanks a lot Daisy.

: For what?

: For me getting my ear shriveled by the funding manager at the Department of Military Funding! Thanks to you and that little war you staged, half the military budget went down the toilet, and I'm pretty sure that the manager would've put me over his knee if I hadn't wired him 500 grand from my personal account at the treasury.

: What're you whining about? I'm pretty sure you've got a dozen other accounts chock full of green.

: Not the point! Daisy, you just can't go starting and ending wars willy nilly!!

: All right, all right, Peach, we know yer in a bad mood, but-

: I'm not in a bad mood!!

: Oh really? None of this screaming has to do with where we are? (points to a shoddy apartment house up ahead, labeled "Mega Mushroom Housing")

: (grumbles angrily under her breath)

: This is the place, isn't it?

: I'm pretty sure. This is the place his old landlord mentioned when he was evicted.

: (cracks her knuckles) Good. Let's go.

(They go inside the run-down lobby, which smells like mildew and is coated with patches of mold. As they step towards the secretary's desk, a line of cockroaches cross their path)

: EEEEEEKKKK!

(Toadette appears behind the desk, armed with a can of Hot Shot)

: Oh, sorry, folks, been meanin' to tackle those sneaky little mongrels, but I can't find their blasted nest. (scoots over and shoots the roaches with Hot Shot, and they squirm and die)

: Toadette! What're you doing here?

: Peach! Daisy! Rosie! (blushes and shoots to her feet) Uh, n-nice to see you here. (They stare at her) W-what? This run-down place belonged to my grandpa. Figured I'd look after it for him for a while.

: (smiling) Toadette the Landlady. Not what I expected you to do when you grew up.

: Yeah, I thought that you and General Toad were going to get hitched.

: Um, yeah, that didn't work out too well... (they look at her expectantly) Another time. Um, so what can I do for you guys? What're you doing here, anyway?

: Looking for Mario.

: You and me both! I haven't been able to get ahold of him for three days!

: What? But isn't he staying here? We went and saw his old landlord. He said he was moving over to this apartment house.

: Oh, he's still here. I think. I mean, I went to collect his monthly rent three days ago, but every time I knocked, he didn't answer. (scowls) But I didn't barge in, since I like to give people chances, you know? But I'm wondering if he decided to relocate without paying his rent.

: (grumbling) I wouldn't put it past him.

: Peach!

: So you haven't checked his room yet?

: Not yet.

: Key?

: (steps behind counter and retrieves room key) Here.

(Daisy takes key and moves off down the hall, and the rest follow her. They reach a door labeled "16". Noise is coming from inside)

: Is that a TV?

: Mario? (knocks) Mario, are you in there? (no answer. Daisy unlocks the door, and everyone immediately shields their noses)

: Augh!!! That smell!

: It's loud!

(They move into the apartment- carefully. The floor is covered in pizza boxes, dirty laundry, takeout trays, and soda bottles, and as they pick their way around them, cockroaches and ants skitter out of the way. Dirty dishes fill the kitchen sink, and more baskets of unwashed laundry litter the floor and couch.)

(They move into the living room, where the TV is on, playing the latest Strikers Cup game [the Monsters vs. the Gasbags]. Someone is snoring in the easy chair, his feet propped up next to a box of uneaten, five-cheese pizza- that the roaches are currently enjoying)

: Uh, is that Mario?

: I'm...I'm not sure. Since when does Mario have a beard?

: He looks worse than when he initially came in, and that's saying something. (pause) Wait, what am I doing? (pokes Mario) Mario! Mario, wake up! I'm here to collect your rent! You know, the one that's super late?

: SNAWWWWWWWWW.

: Somebody wake him up.

: I ain't touchin' him with a ten-foot pole. If dat smell's any indication, he ain't had a shower in a week.

: (bends and shouts in his ear) MARIO! WAKE UP!

: SNAWWWWWWWWW.

: (glares at Daisy) And this is our "salvation", huh? This pathetic, smelly, greasy, two-timing sack of skin?

: Look, Peach, you may not like it, but Mario likes Pauline, and since he's the only one tough enough to take on Luigi and all his minions, he's probably the only guy that can get her back.

: Hmph. Whatever. (slaps Mario across the face)

: (spluttering awake) No, not a-macaroni! (blinks) Urgh, uh...what a-happened last... (spots Peach and actually tumbles out of his chair in fright) a-Peach! a-What are you a-doing... (gazes around) a-What the?! What's-a going on? a-What are you all doing in my house?

: You mean your apartment. The one owned by me. And speaking of which, you owe me some rent, buddy.

: Didn't I a-tell you that I'd pay you on the 15th?

: (angrily) The fifteenth was a week ago!!

: What? No it a-wasn't. (glances at calendar) Unless it a-was. Oops.

: Yeah, "oops". (Locates Mario's wallet from under a stack of IRS notifications and paws through it)

: a-Hey! What do you-a think you're- (starts to get up, but Peach shoves him back into his seat)

: If you couldn't pay the rent, maybe you should've stayed out on the streets. You're only getting what's coming to you.

: (exasperated) a-Look, Peach, can we ever get a-past this? I know you-a hate me for switching to a-Pauline, but what we a-had? That was real.

: (blushing angrily) That's not what this is about!!

: What? Oh.

: Yeah, we're here about Luigi.

: Ugh. Don't-a tell me he a-crashed that a-stupid bike again! I a-keep trying to tell him, I don't have the a-money to pay for hospital bills!

: Luigi isn't riding with the Bowser Boys anymore.

: A-really? That's a relief.

: Well, yeah, it would be if he hadn't gone and taken over the Koopa Kingdom for kicks!!

: (chokes) a-Come again?

___

: ...and then he actually sends me a marriage license, and tells me to sign it, else he'll keep Pauline and attack the MK and Sarasaland!

: a-Really? (watching the Striker Cup; one of the new members of the Bowser Monsters gets called for off-sides) Oh a-come ON!!

: (clicks off TV) Mario! Pay attention!!

: a-Wait, please! Five more minutes, the third quarter was almost over!!

: I don't give a fat baby's bottom about the third quarter! (grabs Mario by the collar) Have you been listening to a thing I've said? You brother has taken over the Koopa Kingdom, and he's kidnapped your girlfriend!! Do something about it!

: Former a-girlfriend.

: What?

: a-Former girlfriend. Pauline is my a-former girlfriend.

: What the heck does that mean?!

: (sighs) Things went a-south a couple of a-months ago. I don't a-think Pauline liked the-a fact that my a-bank account was in the single a-digits.

: Who would?

: What happened?

: She-a ditched me, that's-a what! For-a Donkey Kong! That a-two-timer!

: Look who's talking!!

: Okay, enough! (glares at Mario) Ex-girlfriend or not, she's been kidnapped by Luigi! She's probably rotting away in some dark, dank cell right now, waiting for someone to rescue her. Don't you want to save her, show her that you still have some worth? Or at least put your brother over your knee, show him that he can't just go around and conquer kingdoms and start wars?

: And a-what makes you think that I give a a-hoot about Luigi and the-a Koopa Kingdom?

: (thunderstruck) What do you...? You're Mario! The Champion of the Mushroom Kingdom! Of course you care about what happens beyond our borders!

: Yes, a-well... I'm not feeling very a-Champion-like right now. (glances down at his flab and his filthy apartment)

: Get out of that puddle of self-pity you're wallowing in. You put yourself in this destitute situation, and you can get yourself out. And FYI, you were fatter that that when you first started saving me from Bowser.

: She's right, bud. A quick shower, some fresh air, a Luigi-beatdown, and you'll be right as rain.

: ...

: Mario?

: You're a-right. I put myself in this a-situation, and only I can get a-myself out.

: (elated) So you'll do it? You'll stop Luigi?!

: Well...that depends. How much are we-a talking about?

: Huh?

: (gestures) Well, I a-just might be able to a-muster up enough mojo to take down Luigi...for a-small fee, of course.

: (scowling) You want money?

: Mario! Since when are you such a cheapskate?

: Wouldn't you, in my a-place? (glances at Daisy) So? How a-much?

: Um, well, we recently went to war with the Koopa Kingdom, so the treasury doesn't have much in the way of funds... Peach?

: (glances down at the treasury accounts on her phone) We can offer you 500 coins.

: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(Everyone glances at each other uncomfortably)

: (clicks on TV) a-Well, it was nice of you all to a-visit. But if you a-don't mind, I'd like to-a get back to the Strikers Cup.

: Mario!!

: Are you kiddin' me, Mario? Yer kingdom needs yer help, and yer turnin' us down 'cause we won't pay yer stinkin' fee? And ta think I used ta look up to ya...

: Times have a-changed, friend. I've got-a several cars to pay off, a a-mortgage payment a-due in three days, seventeen unpaid a-bills, rent overdue by a-three-

: Four.

: -a-four months, and insurance payments that I haven't paid in a-months. a-Excuse me if they take a-precedence.

: You...you JERK!! (stomps out)

: Daisy, wait! (hurries out after her. Captain Bro and Waluigi follow, and after a scowl at Mario, Peach does too.)

: Mario, I'll take this pocket change from your wallet as a down payment, but be warned: you're one late payment away from eviction. (walks out)

: (sighs) a-Finally. Some peace and a-quiet. (on the TV, an offensive player on the Monsters scores the winning goal) a-BOOOYAHH!

___

(outside)

: (kicks over a trash can angrily) I can't believe this!!

: I warned you, sister.

: Stars, what are we going to do now? If Mario won't take down Luigi, then who will?

: (breaths slowly, trying to calm down) We've got one other option. There is one other person who can take down Luigi.

: Who, darlin'?

: Me.

___