I have this leech called depression,

Sometimes, it just sucks the light outta me

Like a parasite, it steals away my life

Attached to me for as long as I can remember,

Sucking, sucking, sucking,

A constant pain like the repeated stabbing of a dull knife

Oh the light, I cannot see

It blinds me, whispers sweet nothings into my ear

I have this leech called depression,

It preys the most when I'm alone

Then all the dark thoughts converge on me

It's my burden,

It's nobody else's

This leech can take on many hosts

And I am infected,

Oh, I couldn't bear to infect you,

For you to have this depression too

It's contagious

I'm contagious

I need to be quarantined

Can't risk you like this,

Can't taint you like this

Misery loves company

And it's your company that I love,

The way our bodies fit together like a glove

But you won't listen

Why won't you just fuckin' listen?

I love you, I love you,

I really fucking do

Can't stand the thought of you getting this ailment too

It's hurting, it's hurting, it's hurting you

It's causing you to leave me,

Ethan, can't you see?

Ethan, Ethan, please—

Please, please, don't leave me

I need to be kissed, I need to be held

But I'm really not well

So I can never give you want you want,

Can never give you what you need

"Your shit is still at the apartment," I mention, seeing Ethan for the first time in a while. "Great birthday by the way, definitely one for the history books."

Ethan stands silent in front of me.

I look at him and look over his appearance. He doesn't look as broken as I feel, especially considering this is the first time I've seen him since the blow up. I thought he fucking died. He didn't call, didn't text, just took his bike and didn't look back. I haven't gotten sleep since, trying to find out where he was and if he was okay consuming my time, but of course, I don't have Scout's or Carmen's number. I'm right back to what I was before Ethan, alone.

"Do you want me out?" He asks, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He's got a bruise on his cheek from who the hell knows where.

"I didn't want you to leave on my birthday, but that obviously didn't stop you then, now did it?"

He regards me coldly, his eyes empty. "No."

"You aren't looking at me like you love me." I look at my nails, trying to look composed despite being completely and utterly broken inside.

"Guess you know how I feel now." He fires back.

"Why don't we just forget about it? Come home and we'll pretend my birthday never happened," I propose.

Ethan frowns. "You don't seem to understand. You broke my heart." He hisses, teeth clenched.

"I warned you when you first came to my house. I didn't spring this on you. I'm right here. Don't be so spoiled."

He scoffs and shakes his head. "You know what, you're right, I did this all to myself." He turns and starts walking away.

"If you leave..." My voice wavers for a second, "don't come back."

He stops for a good minute. "I guess you forgot every time you told me I was special. Every time you gave me hope and strung me along even though you knew."

I stand up as well and grab my stuff, walking up up him and poking his chest. "I'm sick and tired of you making me out to be some emotionally abusive monster. When I said I was in love, I was talking about you. But now, I don't want to see your fucking face." I walk away from him, holding my head high until I make it to my car and lean against it, breaking down.

I hear the footsteps before his voice. "If you were so in love with me, why didn't you tell me?" He asks desperately.

"Because I didn't want you to fall in love with me." I keep shaking. "But you couldn't even respect my wishes. When I said I have reasons, I want people to respect them, but you didn't. You made me out to be a bad guy, a liar. I can't deal with that and I'm not going to forgive you." I unlock my car, hands shaking.

Ethan throws his hands in the air. "First of all, you're not making a lick of goddamn sense! Second, I didn't make you out to be anything! I never said you were a monster, all I said was how I feel. You're a selfish dick, Charlie King! Fuck your reasons! What reasons could you possibly have that you needed to hide from ME?!"

I grab an old iced coffee from my cup holder and throw it on him. "I hate you. Don't fucking talk to me ever again. I shouldn't have befriended you. I should've been alone." I slam my car door shut and lock it, honking the horn for him to get out of the way before hightailing it out of there.

The car ride is spent in silence, my tears all gone as I drive towards our— my apartment. I just feel empty and like complete and utter garbage. Nothing feels real. I don't even feel real.

"I guess you forgot every time you told me I was special. Every time you gave me hope and strung me along even though you knew."

I just keep driving.

To think I thought he was different, that he was going to stay, that if I let everyone else go, that I'd satisfy him, but I can't. I'm not enough for him. He always saw me in some perfect light, but I'm not perfect. He thought that all of those times I said I had my reasons were just made up. He even demanded answers from me, but he doesn't get to do that. No one gets to just do that.

I loved him and I still love him. That will never change. All of this pain and strife is because of me, because like he said, I strung him along.

I just didn't want to be alone, I just didn't want to lose him, I just loved— love him, so I kept playing house. But it wasn't enough. It'll never be enough and I guess deep down, I knew that.

Ethan deserves a real relationship, real love that can give him the relationship he desires. I can't be that. I'm just a slut. I have no romantic value. I can't get married or have children. I can't be properly loved like how I am right now because they'll always want more, Ethan will always want more and I just can't fucking give that to him.

Slamming my head against the closed front door from inside the apartment, I scream, trying to release emotions, but nothing is coming out. I feel nothing.

My body cringes when I see one of Ethan's shirts in my bedroom and I fold it up before putting it neatly in his bedroom, rounding everything up for if he decides to sneak in and get his belongings back. I look at his various drawings decorating the apartment and carefully, one by one, I remove them and hide them neatly at the bottom of my desk drawer. My eyes land on Liam and I leave him in the reading nook I created with him as a chair, my hazel eyes instead landing on Momo who seems unhappy.

Picking her up, I frown. "I'm sorry, he's gone."

She frowns.

"I know, Momo. I love him too, but this is what's best. Mama and Daddy need to be apart right now, okay?" I try and sound strong, holding her close and sitting on my bed. "Is it okay if I tell you a story?"

Momo blinks slowly and I kiss her head.

"There once were to lovers, Luna and Sol, the moon and sun. They loved each other very much, but they could never be together. Sol has this... pull factor that was always pulling Luna into his orbit. Sol was so bright and energetic, the life of the crowd, but Luna didn't have any light of his own, barely any gravitational force. Luna was beautiful and getting by, but Luna didn't have any light without his Sol. The two longed to be together, but it was impossible. Luna was also orbiting around Tierra, a being that did not give Luna any light, but instead, stole the little light that Luna would proudly reflect whenever around Sol. But sometimes..." I exhale shakily, "sometimes, Tierra would get in the way of Sol and Luna, making it so that poor Luna received no light from his beloved Sol, instead breeding darkness. This darkness was suffocating and lonely. Despite Sol being behind the foul demon, Tierra, Luna couldn't reach him and he never could completely, even when these times of darkness came to pass. He could never reach Sol because Tierra's pull was just too great and he was ashamed. Luna was ashamed that all he could do was take Sol's life and could give his lover none in return. He was afraid that if he became too close, that Sol would lose his light and become dark just like him."

Momo nuzzles my body and I blink in silence, pondering my decisions, wondering about the what-ifs. I'll probably never see Ethan again and he probably wants nothing to do with me. At least the semester is almost at a close. I'll just focus on my grades. My grades are all that's important. I haven't been acting very Kingly, so now I can change that. I'll do it, I'll make my parents proud, I'll make my father proud. I'll get good grades, I'll have a perfect GPA, and I'll be at the top of my class. I'll be the best future lawyer in my graduating class and this little bump in the road won't stop me.

I'm used to being alone. I don't need anyone else and if I get too lonely, I have Momo and I take really good care of her, so she won't leave me for a long, long time. I have Xander. I don't need Ethan. I don't need my Superstar. This heartbreak won't stop me because I'm a King. This heartbreak won't stop me because...

I'm okay.

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