You know when you were little and you would always use to spin around in circles, just because it was funny to see how everything was spinning afterwards? That's the feeling I have right now. The alcohol in my system makes me feel like the party is actually on a boat. Everything feels heavy and it's hard to keep my eyes open. I still keep dancing though, I don't even know who i'm dancing with. Maybe John? Maybe Ross? Oh, not Ross? What the hell was his name? Kevin! I don't really know, and I don't really care. It feels nice to drown my sorrows with alcohol.

Suddenly, I feel nauseous. Without thinking I head towards the bathroom to throw up whatever I have been eating today. I vomit all over the toilet and lean myself against the bathtub. I hate this. I fucking hate this. After laying on the bathroom floor for a while, I decide to leave this house and go home.

''John, i'm leaving," I say after putting my hand on his shoulder as I return downstairs.

''Oh, okay. I can drive you home if you want to," he says, definitely seing how drunk I am.

''I'm good, I'll get home safe," I answer before hugging him and leaving the house.

Really? Fifty minutes until the bus arrives? I rather walk home. Every step feels heavy, why didn't I just let John drive me home?

''Fuck this," I mumble, kicking a stone away with my foot. Why did a go to the fucking party in the first place? If my mum would've been caring about me, she would have been fucking mad at me right now. I started going to parties when I was fourteen, mostly to let the alcohol take over the constant pain that I still feel. To be honest, I don't even know how the hell I'm still alive.

The silhouette of the house can be seen far away, making me walk faster. I just want to get home. My mum's probably asleep, or drunk. Maybe both. When I get to the steps, I realise that I have to get in the same way that I got out from. The window. If I almost fall down and die nearly everytime I climb down when I'm sober, how the hell should I climb up when I'm drunk as hell? I decide to climb on the downpipes, I pray that they won't break. Eventually, I manage to climb up to my room again. I close the window and fall onto the bed immediately. Everything that has been happening to me this night, mixed with the alcohol is enough to make me fall asleep pretty fast.

I wake up by my alarm going crazy.

''Yes, YES I'm up!'' I mumble, desperately hitting the buttons to make the noise stop. Sitting up in my bed, I realise everything from yesterday. The nausea and headache from the alcohol hits me like a truck and I feel way too fucked up to go to school today. Wrapping a blanket around myself, I open the door and walk downstairs to my mum's room. I knock on her door and open it up slightly.

''Mum, I don't feel good today, can I stay home?'' I ask, trembling.

There's nothing that I hate more than asking my mum things. It makes me feel so vulnerable and weak, and that's not me. She let's out a laugh before standing up, approaching me. I back off a bit, knowing about her violent past.

''Didn't I tell you to stop calling me ''mum''? You know that it's a straight up insult towards me? Do you really think that I didn't notice how you jumped down from the window last night?'' She says with a creepy voice, enough to make me scared.

I look away, biting my bottom lip. I really thought that I was quiet enough.

''To answer your question, no. I will not let you stay home from school because you decided to do what you always do. Run away from your miserable life instead of getting help, or doing something about the problem. Go away now, I don't have time for you", she continues before returning to what she was doing before the conversation started. I turn away, feeling the tears in my eyes.

My mum has always been like this. It has been worse now, though. I used to live with my dad and little brother, Evan too. One day, everything changed.

September 21, 2016

I look out through the car window, watching the rain bounce against it.

''I told you that the stupid waitress would take all of our money? Why don't you think about things?'' My mum shouts. Not another fight.

''Excuse me? You were the one who stole all of Ember and Evans money to travel with your friends? Is that better?'' Dad snaps back.

Mum turns around and I can see the anger in her face. Her vains are popping out from her neck and her eyes are red.

''You! You were the one who had an affair with your boss two years after we got married! Two fucking years, Tristan!'' She screams.

I hold Evan and try to speak about other things that he finds interesting to distract him from the fight between our parents. They always fight about things. Suddenly I feel how the car accelerates and goes much faster. Mum and dad's screams are getting louder, too.

''Dad! You're going to fast!''

No one of them listens to me, they keep screaming.

''DAD!''

I panic and lean myself forward to shake his shoulders. Something that I never should have done. He tries to get my hands off of him, leaving the steering wheel. The car slips off the road and makes a flip before crashing upside down.

That was the day. The day when my dad and little brother lost their lifes. Because of me. Because I wanted to stop my dad from going to fast. My mum let's me know everyday that it's my fault. I'm a killer. That's what she keeps telling me. Ever since that day, my life has been fucked up. It was fucked up before, but this shit made it worse.

Walking to my school doesn't take long at all usually, but my hangover and the sadness from the conversation with my mum makes me walking as slow as a fucking snail or something. School isn't that bad, I just keep to myself. I'm the kind of girl that doesn't have friends in school, but I'm still friends with everyone. At first, people used to pick on me because I used to be by myself, but I told them to fuck off and came up with some good comebacks to make them back away from me. I guess that people have respect for me because I stand up for myself alot. Like, I could be easily become friends with someone in my class, but the problem is that every single one of them are just stupid. I heard that one girl ask another how Donald Trump managed to become a president after being in the cartoons. Yes. She thought that Donald Duck and Donald Trump were the same damn person.

So, I rather keep to myself, but I sometimes hang out with Ava and Liam. They're okay, at least not as stupid as the rest of the class. Ava and Liam are the ones that I eat with, or the ones that I work with on school projects. So not friends, but the ''let's-pretend-that-we-are-friends-so-I-don't-have-to-be-with-the-rest-of-the-idiots-here''-kind of friends.

I sit down on a chair, getting ready for a terrible day. Just when Mr. Wilson is about to start, the door opens. A girl stands in the doorway with baggy clothes and blue hair. Who the fuck is that? I notice that everyone starts to whisper things to each other, as if they know who she is. I have no idea of what's going on. I turn around to see Ava and Liam's reactions. Ava's whispering things to Liam who has his mouth open widely. Mr. Wilson looks almost as surprised as us, before connecting the dots.

''Oh, you must be the new student, right? What's your name?'' He asks politely to the girl who just sighs before sitting down in one of the chars in the row in front of me.

''I'm Billie.''