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S H A H R O Z

He twisted the key twice in the keyhole and entered the threshold, his mind buzzing on with other topics.

He kicked his shoes off and lied down on the bed, his arms under his head as he stared up at the ceiling and let his first tear fall.

'She was meant to be for someone else..' He thought as his eyes blurred.

He decided to take a shower and clear his mind. After all, the small space where water trickles down your back is the best place for you to think.

He stripped off his clothes and hopped into the cubicle, his only thought being about her.

As he massaged his head with the peppermint shampoo, his tears came back again and got washed away immediately.

Just like his heart.

His sobs were painfully louder now as he bent down and brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in between, his body shaking.

'Why did I have to meet her?'

'Why did I have to know her?'

'Why did I have to love her?'

His thoughts were all over the place as the salty water trickled out of his eyes, making them red.

He was right when he heard all those people telling him that love is painful.

But this isn't just love.

This is unrequited love.

He turned off the shower and still sat in the same position lifelessly, his body aching from being in the hunched position for too long but his heart felt worse.

His forefinger drew a sloppy heart on the steamy glass as he thought of his first love.

His Maria.

He quickly wiped his hand on the glass, the heart disappearing as he shook his head, his tears getting the best of him.

At the moment, the only positive thing in his head was the fact that he was slightly glad he hadn't told her that he loved her.

Who knows how awkward it would've been to see her again.

When she's in love with another man.

A man who will wake up with her next to him and start off the day with him leaving a kiss on her cheek. A man who'll come back home and tell her the burnt food she made was the best he ever had. A man who'll kiss her stretch marks and tell her he'd never seen someone as beautiful as her. A man who'll share his plans with her about their future. Their kids. Their home. Their everything.

A man who deserves her.

And that man is not him.

Shahroz wiped his eyes for the last time and got up, his ears hearing the athan (prayer call) for Fajr (dawn prayer).

He quickly turned on the shower again and made ghusl (ablution for purity) and hopped out, his hands wiping the towel all over his toned body.

He quickly grabbed his prayer mat and spread it out, his foot tapping on the ground impatiently as he waited for the athan to finish so he could start his prayer.

As soon as he said 'Allahu Akbar', his aching heart suddenly felt an unknown sensation of ease he couldn't pinpoint.

And that's when he realised it.

His parents might leave him.

His brother might leave him.

Even she might leave him.

But Allah will never leave him.

After a while, he said his salams in both directions before raising his hands in front of his Lord, his heart and soul vulnerable in front of his Creator.

"O Allah," he whispered, "I truly have committed the worst of sins throughout my life, and I ask you for Your forgiveness again and again as it will never be enough for how damaged I am. I need You, Allah. I need You to help me heal through this feeling of heartbreak and rejection. I need You to help me fall out of love with her, as I don't want to be the one lingering around throughout her happiness. I need You to keep her safe and her marital life blessed, as I hope for my own future with my own woman."

He wiped the final tear which escaped from his eye and blew lightly on his hands before wiping them down his face.

He got up and folded the prayer mat before walking towards his bed and tucking himself under his covers.

"I still love you." He mumbled before the blanket of sleep blessed him in a very unpeaceful slumber.

•••

His thumb and forefinger grabbed the end of his hood and tugged it further ahead, his earphones plugged in his ears to prevent any other sound entering his hearing system.

Especially hers.

His feet scraped against the tiled floor as he walked slowly towards his Genetics class - the class he dreaded going to at the moment.

He turned around the corner, a few of the people he hated coming into view. He pulled his hood even further, his hair coming in his eyes as he avoided the students like the plague.

He bent his head down and walked until the threshold for the hall came into view and he entered, his feet dragging him to the seat at the front, mainly to avoid her at the back.

Who knows what could happen if he sits near her now.

He sat down and grabbed his pen, ready to jot down notes as soon as the professor comes. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out and unlocked it and checked his texts.

He froze.

Why aren't u sitting with me?

His thumbs lingered in front of the screen as he contemplated whether he should reply or not.

He wanted to avoid her and let her be. He didn't want to feel the rush of emotions he usually felt around her when now she belongs in another man's heart.

But he decided to reply. After all, she didn't know he was hurting and in pain. He didn't want her to find out as he would seem extra pathetic to her.

My legs are kinda hurting at the moment. I didn't wanna walk up all the way to the steps at the back

He wanted to curse himself for coming up with the lamest excuse ever.

Now he'll clearly be labelled as the most pathetic person she's ever stumbled upon.

Oh.. are u okay?

The question hit him hard. She was the only person who ever asked him that, and the only one who got a genuine answer.

Yea I'm fine

He blew out a breath of relief. It was getting harder for him to text her. Who knows what would happen if he talked to her.

I'll come sit next to u then. I can clearly tell you're not fine :)

He immediately panicked. Does she know he's hurting?

Before he could think about anything further, he could hear the sounds of someone sliding in the seat next to him.

He could even smell her scent of jasmines as she was so near him.

"Hey." She smiled as she turned to him, his head casted down.

"H-hey.." He mumbled quietly and she frowned.

Her hands grabbed his hood softly and slowly dragged it up, the ends of his thick brown hair brushing her fingertips made her tingle with a need to be with him.

He looked down and blushed as she gave him a small smile, "What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

He shook his head, "I-it's nothing really.. I just have a small headache and my legs hurt.. "

'And my heart too.. ' He thought as he finally met her eyes and gave her a forced smile.

She nodded and the professor entered as the noise in the class had died down immediately, Shahroz internally thanking his Lord for finally letting the class start.

He hoped the class would end as soon as possible.

Because he couldn't bear being hurt any longer.

He couldn't bear being near her any longer.

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