These past few days have been stressful, one meeting after another, along with practices and team meetings. Even though today is Friday, I'm still pretty busy. The main thing on my schedule is a photo shoot for Nike, which I'm usually fine with photo shoots and other media events, but this one is different.

Today I'm modeling new Nike boxers, designed for anyone to use, and they want me to be the spokesperson for the new product.

The thing to remember is that Nike is a big company, and this will be plastered everywhere, and the boxers fit pretty snug down there. Many people have their suspicions about me and my gender identity, but this photoshoot would basically confirm everything, putting myself out on blast for the world to see. Of course, not everyone will react positively, but I knew that agreeing to do this.

I'm at one of the Nike facilities here in Los Angeles, getting ready to do the photoshoot. I'm sitting a waiting area as I wait for a Nike team member to bring me to the media floor. While I'm sat, I feel my phone buzz.

Hailee: you're going to do great today! can't wait to see the pics, you're going to look so good ;)

Jayden: thank you lovee, i'll show you later <3

"Jayden Carter?" Says a young girl who appears at the door.

"Yes ma'am." I reply politely.

"Hi my name is Taylor and I'll be your Nike representative for today. If you follow me we'll get you started trying things on!" She says excitedly.

"Hey Taylor, thank you, looking forward to this."

She walks me through these hallways and doors, ultimately leading us to this large fitting area with tons of different clothes. There are organizational boxes that have everything from shoes, to shorts, to shirts, anything anyone could imagine in terms of athletic wear.

"Alright so today you're going to be shooting with the new Nike Pro Boxers and Sports Bras, correct?" She questions, checking her clipboard and I nod in approval. She directs me towards this specific fitting room that has multiple different colors of the sane pair of boxers and sports bras lined out for me.

I've done this before in the past, modeling for Nike that is. I've done a few shoots that involve new pairs of basketball shoes and different athletic clothes. After my first year drafted, I signed with Nike as a feature athlete, so doing these shoots and different media events is a part of my contract. But honestly, I don't mind it. I get free clothes and shoes, so I'm grateful.

I pick out the set I want to wear first: an all black look that consists of the regular black nike boxers and sports bra. I come out of the fitting room in a robe with slides on. I follow Taylor to the hair and makeup department, which will be quick anyways since I don't need as much makeup as other athletes. At most they will just apply some anti-shine for the strong lighting they will be using.

I take a seat at one of the chairs and a woman comes forward and starts to braid my hair into a complex braid. Once she finishes, the makeup woman pats my face with a powder so my face isn't as glossy, and applies a small bit of eyeliner. Although I really don't wear makeup, eyeliner is the thing I think I like to wear the most. It's neither feminine or masculine, and I feel like having a small sharp wing gives me an edge.

Taylor comes into the room to accompany me to the main set where the photos will be taken. She kindly takes my robe away and sets it nearby in case I need it.

"What's up man, good to see you again."

"Hey Alex, thanks for doing this today."

"It's just my job Jay." He says warmly, and I smile back at him. Alex is usually the one behind the camera when I'm here at Nike, I guess he is in charge of press for Nike's WNBA athletes. He's really amazing at what he does.

He directs me on where to stand, giving me a small run down of the shoot today. I start to become a little nervous but I try my best to breathe and reassure myself that it's going to be okay. Alex does a first picture as a test to acclimate his settings to the lighting and equipment. He changes a few dials and settings, then gives me the thumbs up that he is ready. I begin posing in different positions, each time I do, the soft light in front of me flashing with each photo.

After Alex is satisfied, he prompts me to change into the next style of boxers, since Nike is releasing two different pairs. We repeat the same process, and as more photos are taken, I begin to ease into it more. My poses become more natural, and Alex feeds his creativity into that.

Alex signals to me that we are finished for today, and he gives me a small preview of the photos from the laptop that his camera is connected to. At first glance, the photos look absolutely stunning, I do have to say, I look pretty damn good. Of course, there needs to be some minor edits made in post production but overall, pretty spectacular.

"Do you think I can take a photo from my phone? I want to show a few people." I ask, and he nods. I open the camera app and snap a picture of one of my favorites from the whole shoot.

"Alright thanks man, I can't wait for these to get sent to me. I'll make sure to tag you when I post!" I tell him excitedly.

"Don't sweat it bro, you know it's always a delight working with you." He tells me honestly.

"And before you go, I just wanted to tell you that what you did out there today was really brave. I know it takes a lot of courage to show the world your true, vulnerable, self. I think there are a lot of people that will respect and look up to that, and I'm really proud to have been apart of that process."

"Aw man thanks dude, that means a lot." I tell him, clapping him up into a big hug.

"Can't wait to see you back here Carter, and you know I'll be watching the playoffs next month." He says while I walk away. I give him one last wave while I walk backwards. Since I can't see what's behind me, I accidentally bump into someone.

"Well well well, look who we have here." The short blonde says.

"Billie?" I say, not expecting to see her here. I bring her in for a long hug, not having seen her since the People's Choice Awards.

"The one and only." She replies.

"It's so nice to see you dude, I've been meaning to text you to make plans, everything is so busy lately." I tell her.

"Mhm, reallll busy with that girl of yours huh." She exposes, and I blush.

"How can you blame me."

"I know, just messing with you." She says, and we both laugh.

"How have you been? How's the new music?" I ask, making small talk.

"It's coming pretty soon actually, end of July. Finneas and I just finished mastering it."

"That's awesome Bil, I can't wait to hear it."

"We should make plans Jay, I want to have another music sesh with you like we used to."

"Yeah for sure, I'd love that."

"Maybe even a smoke sesh like we used to as well." She brings up, and my vision goes to the floor.

"I don't know about that, I don't smoke anymore, not like I used to."

"That's cool, you know I wouldn't make you do anything you don't want to. But the offer always stands." She tells me.

"Well um, I gotta get going. But I'll text you for plans, cool?" I say, diverting the attention from her question.

"Yeah yeah no worries, I need to start my photoshoot now anyways. Got these new shoes coming out, collab with Jordan."

"Awesome dude, hope it goes well. It was nice running into you!" I shout while walking away.

I find Taylor again, and she directs me through the maze of different hallways that lead me to the fitting room so I can change back into the clothes I arrived in. Before I leave, I thank her once again for her assistance, and I head to my car. I start the engine and plug in my phone, but I take a moment to decompress.

Jayden: [attachment: 1 photo]

Hailee: oh. my. god.

Jayden: what do you think

Hailee: you look so absolutely fine. wow

Jayden: hehehe :)

Hailee: i would be lying if i said i didn't zoom in

Jayden: glad you're honest ;)

Jayden: omg i ran into billie

Hailee: no way! you haven't seen her in a while right?

Jayden: yeahh it was nice though, hopefully we can see each other soon

Hailee: that would be so awesome, she's really great

Jayden: definitely. i'll call you later okay?

Hailee: okayyy <3

I close my chat with Hailee and send one of the photos to my Mom.

Jayden: [attachment: 1 image]

Mom: That's my baby! You look so amazing, I'm so proud of you.

Jayden: thanks momma. what have the doctors been saying? how are you feeling?

Mom: I'm feeling okay sweet cakes, a little out of breath at times but all good. The doctors are running my bloodwork, waiting for results. I'll let you know what they say.

Jayden: okay momma, if you need anything i'm there. i love you

Mom: I love you more baby.

Mom: Now tell me when I'm going to get the chance to meet the girl that makes you crazy

Jayden: you'll meet her soon momma, i promise

Mom: I'll hold you too it. Love you

Jayden: <3

I select a playlist from my phone, and put my car into reverse to back out of the Nike parking lot. The drive home is nice and relaxing, as it's in the hours between the high traffic hours. But when I get home, I'm pretty beat. I put my things down and head to the kitchen to make some food that will hopefully replenish some energy. I take the bowl of food to my office, however, once I set the bowl down my guitar calls my name.

I begin to strum a few chords, even picking a few singular notes, until a certain chord reminds me of a certain song. I figure out the tune by hear, beginning to sing it lightly.

I've grown tired of this body

A cumbersome and heavy body

I've grown tired of this body

Fall apart without me body

My strumming becomes slow and slower, as my eyes start to gloss over with tears. For some reason, everything floods to me in this moment: all the hatefulness from middle school, the comments I would get in college, and now, the backlash on social media and from other WNBA players. While my head is hung low, my eyes staring at the floor below me, a single tear falls from my cheek onto my guitar. The small bead of water slowly drips down until it disappears into the floor.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have any fame to my name. There are days when I wish I was just a normal person, a person no one knew about. I know how it sounds but, sometimes I wish I was just a nobody.

However, despite all these negative thoughts, my mind always traces itself back to her. Her smile, her beauty, her whole being inside and out. When actively thinking of her, a smile creeps up across my face, the tears beginning to retreat. In that moment, I feel so grateful to have her in my life, to be able to spend time with someone as genuine as Hailee. And it sounds stupid to say all these things since we aren't even together but to me, a label like that doesn't have to change the feelings you have for someone else. She sees me for me and that's all that matters.

I put the guitar back on its stand, and when I turn around I'm met with a cold bowl of food. I contemplate on whether or not to just eat it as is, or to heat it back up. I decide to just eat it cold, since I am pretty tired. Once the finish plate hits the sink, I head back upstairs to my room. I quickly shower then I change into clothes to sleep in, and immediately after plopping into bed. As I'm doing my nightly routine of checking my phone and social media, a few headlines crosses my mind.

The second headline hurts the most. My genitalia shouldn't banish me from playing the sport I love in a league where I can play with a team that feels like family. The WNBA is for women, so I should qualify based on just that. Lastly, I check twitter before shutting off my phone for the night. My timeline is usually sports related, with a few memes here and there. But tonight, I was able to find some tweets from Hailee's fans.

haizlover13: do u guys think hailee knew before the photoshoot?

-steinfeldd07: even if she did it doesn't matter...

emilyjunk23: sooo... does hailee have a bf or a gf lol

-bumblebeelvr: girl we don't even know if they are together omg

I could go on and on scrolling through these conversations between Hailee and her fans, but I realize that reading them would only do more harm than good. I let out a sigh, putting my phone on do not disturb for the night.

Once my eyes close and I fall asleep, I'm temporarily taken to another world where I don't have to worry about my problems.

2382 words

I 'M nobody! Who are you?

Are you nobody, too?

Then there 's a pair of us—don't tell!

They 'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!

How public, like a frog

To tell your name the livelong day

To an admiring bog!

- Emily Dickinson