《Single Father • Namjoon + BTS!Kids》cxxxiv.
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"Finally," Yoongi muttered, ripping his bow tie off as he entered their house and made his way to their room. "Damn thing was suffocating me."
"I think it was trying to get to second base with your neck," Hobi deadpanned, keeping a straight face.
Yoongi just rolled his eyes.
"Well?"
"Well what?" Yoongi asked, turning, and Hobi looked up innocently.
"Well, was your bow tie successful?"
Yoongi just smacked his shoulder and entered their room.
Jimin leaned forward over the rail so he could see them. "Hey," he said softly, and they looked up and waved.
"Hey yourself," Hobi said, taking off his bow tie before beginning to shed his layers of formal wear.
"Mingyu was worried about you," Yoongi said, doing the same. They'd been rooming together for years and had lived together for years before that, so they were comfortable with just changing in front of each other. He threw off his shirt and started unzipping his dress pants.
"Oh," Jimin said before pursing his lips.
"Yeah." Yoongi threw off his dress pants and was left in only boxers. Hobi was the same, only he threw on a shirt to sleep in. "He's in your grade, I guess. They just go to a private school instead of our high school."
Jimin nodded but remained quiet, obviously preoccupied with something.
Yoongi sighed, turning around to face Jimin. "Look, Jimin, I know you're upset or whatever but it's late and we don't have time for the Jimin Show today, all right? I want to get some sleep."
Jimin stared at Yoongi with an open mouth before shutting it and clenching his jaw, shaking his head slightly. "The J-Jimin Show?"
Yoongi exhaled. "I'm sorry, it just slipped out, okay? I didn't mean it. But I am tired so if you're having some teenage crisis, can it wait until the morning?"
"F-Fuck you, Yoongi," Jimin said, frowning down at his brother.
Yoongi's eyes widened, having never heard the word come out of Jimin's mouth, but Jimin wasn't done.
"E-Every time I'm f-feeling down or upset, one of y-you feels the n-need to remind me that I'm n-not the c-center of the w-world! I know that, Y-Yoongi! But I d-didn't ask to b-be this way! I d-didn't ask to b-be abducted! I d-didn't ask to g-get a stutter! I d-didn't ask to b-be me! I d-didn't ask to be J-Jimin! I j-just am!"
"Jimin-"
"Y-You and H-Hobi and K-Kookie have t-told me that I t-take too much attention! Well, s-sorry! J-Just get r-rid of me then! I'm s-sorry that I have emotions a-and that I c-can't always control them! I'm sorry that I g-get lonely s-sometimes! B-But if you're j-just going to tell me that I s-steal all the attention, don't g-give it to me! I d-didn't ask you to! I d-don't need you to h-hold my hand every t-time or ask m-me what's wrong! J-Just ignore me if I annoy y-you! I'm s-sick of always b-being the bad g-guy! Especially after all the t-times that I've c-cared for all of y-you!"
Jimin's eyes were watering, but he wasn't actually crying. They were angry tears, and he was doing his best to hold them in, mainly because he knew that if he cried, it would prove their point, that he was needy and desperate for attention and for someone to tell him it was okay and that he was okay.
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Yoongi opened his mouth to reply, but the door opened, and their mom peeked her head in, quickly avoiding looking at her two older sons because she knew they were probably shy about being half-dressed in front of her. "I heard yelling," she said uncertainly, her eyes landing on Jimin and taking in his upset appearance. "Is everything all right? Yoongi?" she asked, looking back to him, but Yoongi didn't speak. She looked to Jimin. "Jimin? Are you okay? Do you want to talk?"
Instead, Jimin climbed down the ladder, skipping a few rungs in his haste, but eventually landing on the floor.
Their mom moved aside to let Jimin out of the room before sending a questioning glance to Yoongi and then following Jimin, shutting the door softly behind her.
"Shit," Hobi said.
"Shit," Yoongi said.
But there was no one to follow them with a Shoot.
***
"Jimin, what's wrong?" she asked, sitting next to him on the couch and running her hand through his hair.
He had given in and was finally letting his tears go free, and she rubbed his back while he got it out of his system.
"Jimin, do you want to tell me what's wrong?" she asked again, softer this time, and she felt his shudder against her.
"I d-don't want them to h-h-hate me," he choked out, and she hugged him close to her, her hands firm against his back. She kept quiet, waiting for him to talk it out. "B-But I didn't d-do anything w-wrong! I d-didn't c-complain or s-say anything! Y-Yoongi just s-snapped at m-me out of n-nowhere! I d-didn't do anything w-wrong, M-Mom!"
"Shhh," she whispered, rubbing his back. She hadn't had to comfort a crying child before (or at least in the past ten years) so she wasn't sure if she was doing it right. Besides, comforting a 14-year-old was a lot different than comforting a toddler. Back then, Jimin would cry if he stubbed his toe. Now, he had a real reason, and it wasn't going to go away with a band aid and a sticker. "It's okay, Jimin. You're okay."
Jimin cried harder, precisely because those were the words he needed to hear.
"I d-didn't even cry," he mumbled, and she nodded, tucking his head against her shoulder.
"I know, Jimin. You're stronger than you know. I'm sure Yoongi was just tired, right? You know he'd never intentionally hurt your feelings."
"'B-But they m-mean it," Jimin said. "They m-mean what they s-say and that hurts m-more. I d-don't want to be in the s-spotlight of attention. I j-just end up there s-sometimes even when I d-don't want t-to a-and they get m-mad at me even though it's n-not my f-fault."
"Sometimes it's hard growing up," she said. "Especially with siblings. You all feel like you're fighting for equal shares of attention, but that's not how it works. I love all of you no matter what. Namjoon...he does too, but you already know that."
"Y-Yeah but Y-Yoongi doesn't cry a lot a-and Hobi doesn't c-complain even though he h-has his eating d-disorder and I'm always c-causing problems for them."
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"You're all just built a little differently," she said, running her hand up and down his back. "And that's not something to be upset about. It makes you all unique. And maybe you need a little more attention, but that's okay, because I'm happy to give you however much attention you need, and your brothers want to support you too."
"M-Maybe," Jimin said, sniffling, and she tried to think of a way to resolve the situation.
"Do you maybe want to spend the night out of your room?" she asked hesitantly, pulling back slightly to read his facial expressions. "I could bring you some pillows and blankets and get you all set up on the couch. Maybe we can even pop in a movie, all right? How's that sound? It'll give you a little bit of time away from your brothers so you can all calm down a bit, okay?"
Jimin paused before nodding and quickly wiping at his eyes, and their mom smiled at him, caressing his cheek before grabbing an extra pillow and blanket from her room.
She returned to the living room with the items in tow and handed them to Jimin. "Have you thought about which movie you'd like to watch?"
Jimin hesitated before shaking his head. "I don't n-need a movie. C-Can...can we j-just sit here instead?"
She nodded, smiling as she helped Jimin lay down and propped the pillow behind his head. Then she tucked Jimin in, making sure to tuck the corners underneath.
Jimin watched her carefully. "Y-You still r-remember," he whispered, and she met his eyes. "H-How you used t-to tuck me in. So the-"
"So the monsters wouldn't get you," she finished for him with a sad smile as she smoothed out the wrinkles in the blanket, looking down at her hands. "I'm sorry for all the nights I didn't tuck you in, Jimin."
"It's okay," he said. That was part of who he was - forgiving. Just like he'd forgiven Jungkook for hating him, even though the words Jungkook had screamed at him had never truly left his mind. "Am I the r-reason you l-left us?" he asked. It was a question that had been weighing on his mind, one of many.
She stared at him. "Why- Who led you to believe that?"
"K-Kookie," Jimin answered, staring at her. "Is it t-true?"
She shook her head slowly. "No, Jimin - No, it wasn't because of you. How could you believe him?"
"B-Because it made s-sense. I cried a l-lot and I needed h-help with everything and I thought that m-maybe he was r-right, maybe you l-left because I was t-too much to handle."
"No, Jimin, it was never for those reasons..." She sighed, sweeping her bangs back out of her eyes with a hand. "I felt confused and neglected and...I don't know...I think I confused attention for love, but it wasn't, it was fake, fake love for a fake relationship that turned into a fake marri-" She cut herself off, not wanting to utter the words because saying them aloud might make them true, and she wasn't ready to hear it all out of her own mouth. "Let's just say...what I had with Namjoon...with your dad...isn't the same as what I have with...with him," she said, looking over her shoulder at their bedroom door and keeping her voice low before looking back at Jimin. "I was wrong. And...when I see you boys upset or in pain or being treated poorly, it makes me realize that I was wrong to take you from him. From Namjoon. But I..."
She swallowed, looking away so Jimin wouldn't see how glassy her eyes had become. "I needed love somewhere in my life," she whispered. "And I wasn't getting it anywhere. I knew that you boys wouldn't love me for taking you away from Namjoon, I knew that it was more likely that you'd hate me instead, but I...I thought that maybe...Maybe I could love you instead...and that would be enough for me. But...the longer you've been under this roof...it's made me realize that it's not enough just for me to love you. I want-" She shut her eyes for a moment. "I need you to love me back. You, Yoongi, Hobi...I know I don't deserve it, I know that, Jimin, and I don't expect it to happen, but it's the only goal I have in life right now because...you kids are all I have...And I know it wasn't fair how I got you back. I know I hurt you by betraying your trust, and I can't fix that, but...you're all I have left," she whispered, her tears streaming down her face, although she still refused to look over at Jimin.
"I l-love you."
She looked over at him, a hand hovering over her open mouth.
"I d-didn't for a l-long time. B-But...I do...N-No matter what, you're s-still our mom. W-Without you, I wouldn't even b-be here."
Jimin reached out a hand from under the blanket and took her hand in his, rubbing her knuckles, and he watched his mother cry over them, over her guilt, over her hopes..
When she was finished, he let go of her hand, and she waited a moment before re-tucking him back in.
"To keep the monsters out," she whispered, her voice rough.
"I'm n-not f-four anymore," he said with a small smile, but she didn't smile back.
"You grow up, and your monsters grow up with you," she said instead before standing up and bending over to give Jimin a kiss on the forehead. "But you're safe now."
***
As she walked back to their bedroom, she wondered briefly who would tuck her in to keep her monsters out before coming to the inevitable conclusion.
No one will.
There would be nothing and no one to keep the monsters out.
But she'd stopped expecting any differently years ago.
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