《Lose Myself》Chapter Twenty-Four Part Two: Angel in White
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I stood, turning around and around over and over. It was darkness. Completely black all around me. Like I was floating in the space between existence and inexistence. I flinched a little as a bright light shone, my eyes adjusted. Amara stood in a white dress holding her hand out for me to take, she was going to lead me out of the darkness.
----
My eyes flew open, it was pretty dark in here but I could still see at least. Amara wasn't lying next to me, I looked around. "You're awake." She breathed exiting the bathroom. I nodded sitting up, I watched her walk into the wardrobe. "You're stuck with me today." She informed. I thought about this, it was about time I quit being a douchebag. My break is over.
"All good." I replied. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, it was kind of cold in here.
"You should take a shower," she walked out. I stopped breathing momentarily, she was wearing the same dress she wore in my dream. "Are you okay Dominic?" she walked slowly to stand in front of me, "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Am I dreaming?"
"Not that I'm aware of." She giggled. "Stop being stupid and go take a shower." She demanded as she took hold of my arm and pulled me up, I let her guide me to the bathroom door. I stole one last glance before she shut the door in my face.
How could she be wearing the exact article of clothing I dreamt of only a few minutes ago? How did I know she even owned it? I hadn't once seen her wear that dress. I must be dreaming.
I took my shower, it was cold too. I was due for a shave but decided against it, I'd shave when it grew more. I rubbed the towel in my hair briefly, then wrapped it around my waist. I had to take a moment to think logically about this, instead of letting irrational subconscious thoughts attempt to decipher information my subconscious mind so clearly could not.
I spent a few moments trying to think of a reason, I could only come up with someone playing tricks with my microchip. But that was unlikely. I gave up, opening the door to find Amara had opened the curtains and stood on the balcony. I could see she was wearing swimmers underneath her dress, guess I'd have to follow her lead on this one. Letting out a breath I went to the wardrobe and proceeded with getting dressed in a shirt and board shorts.
I knocked on the glass before opening the sliding door, she turned to smile but returned her gaze to the view. "My guess is we're going swimming."
"Yeah," she sighed, "Claire and the other girls organised it."
"Brilliant."
-----
"Don't be stupid Leo." Claire laughed slapping him on the arm. I watched with a small smile.
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Dominic – unlike Leo – was still kinda grouchy. Even though he was trying not to be. We swam for a while, his mood got better but I decided I was tired and sat out. I was sitting on the edge of the pool, basking in the sunlight.
Dominic swam over.
"You want something to drink?" he smiled. I smiled back.
"I'd love that."
"Cool," he breathed pulling out of the pool, "I'll surprise you." Then he headed back for the house.
I held two glasses of pink lemonade, I hope she actually likes pink lemonade – I hadn't met anyone who didn't. I walked outside to find Amara with an empty look on her face, watching the clouds drift by. I stood for a while, watching. Not once did her expression shift nor did she change the direction of her gaze.
I came to sit next to her, handing her the glass, "You wanna talk about it?"
"Huh?" she looked surprised then her expression softened, "I'd prefer not to."
"I say that all the time." I muttered.
"What's wrong with you?" she turned to me. Poor thing really was curious, I smiled a little.
"I can't find anything I should be upset about. So I guess nothing is wrong with me."
"Can't find anything huh?" she mumbled turning back to looking at the sky. I eyed her a little.
I don't understand what is so difficult. Why can't he just come out and say it, 'Amara I don't have any emotions'. I don't think he's been lying to me, I understand the concept of it. Why can't he just tell me? If anything that is what pisses me off the most.
I watched him out the corner of my eye. He was contemplating something, hopefully it was about telling me. He has no idea how stubborn I can be and until he tells me to my face, I'm going to be the grumpy wife. He can spend all his time wondering what it could be, if he's as smart as his records say. The man will pick up what I'm putting down.
"Du hurensohn!" I cursed standing up and walking back to the house. I best leave before I do something I regret. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, I was angrier than I thought I would be. I had spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what Claire told me.
As far as I was concerned, Dominic had such good intentions. But the way he went about it was all wrong. He can pretend to be happy all he wants, sad and curious even. But goodness couldn't he just let people know that's just how it was, he has no emotions so for the better of people around him – he pretends to have at least some. It's not like they'll hold a grudge for life, they'd forget within an hour!
wouldn't.. sure, but they sure as hell would!
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I felt Dominic grab my arm.
"Amara what could possibly be so awful that you would need to swear in German?" he looked genuinely worried. Like he actually gave a f-ck, like he actually could give a f-ck.
"You're so good at that." I marvelled.
"What?"
Faking emotions, I thought.
"Making it all better." I smiled.
He'll tell me. Not the other way around.
---
Amara has been acting strange, almost as if she's going to do or say something but then she reminds herself she shouldn't and she stops mid-action. It's confusing me. If she has something to say, she should just come out and say it.
I sat in the living room reading a book on German, because I put an effort – like a gentleman. It looks to me like she said 'you son of a bitch' that one time. But then again I could be wrong.
"Stacking up on knowledge?" Leo sat down across from me, sipping on a glass of what looked like lemonade. I glared at him.
"Obviously."
"With an attitude like that – my man – you'll never be able to regain your maiden's heart."
"Oh," I said sarcastically, "I didn't know I had her heart to begin with."
"That negativity and bad attitude blinded you." He pointed at me then went back to sipping his beverage. I rolled my eyes returning my attention to the book whilst poking my chin, this was an interesting language. Kind of funny really.
Amara walked into the room, she stopped – eyeing the book in my hand. I looked up, she huffed then walked back out.
---
"Where is Dominic?" I stood at the entrance of the kitchen, watching Claire, Abrielle and Donna working away, making cakes for a tea they were hosting.
"He's in the study sweetheart." Donna replied whilst continuing her mixing of cupcake batter, "Would you like me to send for him?"
"Uh, no. Thank you." I smiled.
He'd been knee deep in language books for the last couple of days, particularly German. I wasn't going to lie – I appreciated it.
An idea struck me.
I turned back to the girls, "Do you – by any chance – have some Italian language books you can lend me?" I asked. Claire and Abrielle shared a secret look and Donna simply smiled to herself.
"Claire will lend you some." Donna instructed. Claire immediately beamed at me and grabbed me by the arm, leading me out.
"We'll go get some from the library. The best ones are in the study," she paused, "But I'm guessing you don't want to go in there."
"No ma'am."
"Thought so."
Claire took me to library and picked out what seemed like an infinite amount of books, but it was only five. I eyed them with a funny expression. She chuckled.
I went back to the bedroom and started getting to work, languages were kind of my thing. It wouldn't be hard to learn another one.
I obviously wasn't as cultured as I'd first presumed if I couldn't learn a language. Why was it so difficult? I guess I'm more of a practical learner... and the only way to get that kind of experience would be to approach the only person in the house who knew it. And that was Amara. She wasn't so happy with me. I can't imagine what I could've done wrong. I was grumpy for a couple days, but it's almost been a week since she started being grumpy so she can't simply be getting me back.
She's actually upset with me.
Unhappy wife, unhappy life. Isn't that what they say?
Damn.
I closed the book and placed it on the table.
"I'm depressed for you man." Leo closed the door behind him.
"Please don't feel anything for me." I muttered.
"Kind of hard not to, when you look like you're actually feeling something."
"It's called frustration Leo."
"Ditto."
I glared at him.
"I never understood you Dominic." Leo moved to rest on his knees, looking at me from under his lashes.
"Lots of people don't understand me." I laughed.
"Can you please tell me what it is you can genuinely feel? What did they leave you with?"
"I've never told you?"
"Nup." He shrugged.
"Frustration; so I can get tired of idiots quickly." I smiled, "Anger; so I can feel things like vengeance and other negative attributes. Nothing else. No happiness, sadness, curiosity, ambition." I laughed at the last one.
"They left me with everything." He frowned at the ground.
"But they left you with suffering." I sympathised. I pitied him, I was frustrated for him. How difficult it would be.
"You -" I knew what he was going to say.
"Don't let anyone ever trick you into thinking I can feel something such as suffering. I can only feel physical pain. Having no emotions doesn't make me suffer."
"Understood." He looked away.
"I'm going to bed." I stood heading for the door.
---
For the past couple of days Dominic made sure to be in bed and asleep by the time I came in, he wasn't here this time. I frowned changing into my sleepwear. As I lay facing the ceiling I thought about what I was doing, hard.
What was I doing?
---
I woke to Claire shaking me, "Wake up, quick."
"What?" I squinted, "Why?" I saddened more when I realised Dominic's side of the bed was untouched.
"You have a visitor!" she squealed, "And he's cute!"
"Claire.." I frowned at her.
"Not that I would want you to cheat on my brother or anything," she rolled her eyes then her expression changed, "You're not, right?"
"Of course not!" I threw my pillow at her, she giggled. Taunting me to get up.
I wondered who it was.
I haven't had a friend in a long time.
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