I'm numb, I've cried, I've broke my desk chair, I've cried more and now I'm pissed off. I'm pissed the fuck off. She walks out without and explanation, and expects me to live with that. Fuck no, we deserve more than this fucking bullshit.

Hell to the fuck no. We are not done. I don't care if she wants to leave me, she's not doing it. I forbid her from breaking up with me because I know she loves me the way that I fucking love her. I love her, she's the only girl I have ever loved like this. I can't live without her, if it's not Ellie fucking Kingston than I don't know who it is.

I went to her dorm this morning and it's a shell. The only thing in there is a fucking fridge with a god damn bottle of water in it with my Gatorade. I pounded on the door until Brooke opened it and let me in while looking at me sadly, I fucking hate that too. I don't need her sympathy I need Ellie.

I searched for something, anything and couldn't find any trace of her. I've called her number probably close to one hundred times just for it to never go through. She's blocked me, I can't text her, she deleted and logged out of all her social media, and there's no trace of my Ellie. The Ellie that came out of her shell and absolutely turned into something that I love, she's perfect.

I can't think of anything to do. She's gone, the only thing I can think of her is her room. Brooke .

I hope she didn't block one person, Brooke. She has to still talk to her. I know how much their relationship means to her, she loves her. She's ditched me a few times when Brooke needed her and I know that she cares for her.

I run out of my dorm room and go directly to my Bronco, it doesn't feel the same without her sitting in my passenger seat. It's even taken on the outline of her butt and her hips, I still smell her faint flower perfume, still. That's her seat. I drive back to their building, I can't quit thinking of her.

Did she not love me enough to trust me? Did she think that I would do that to her? Of course she does because it took her months to trust me and she was weary of my past. She thought I was a player and in all fairness I was, until I met the one, Ellie. She came into my life and fucked me up in a good way, I can't think of anything or anyone who means this much to me but her. I love my family but, the love I have for Ellie, it doesn't even compare to that

Making my way to her building I run to the stairs and take them to her door. I pound at the door for what feels like five minutes until Duke opens it.

"Tanner?" He asks squinting as I see hickeys on his neck. He was having sex, I know he was. He looks guilty as hell.

"It's like ten at night. She's not here, She hasn't come back. I told you man, if we saw her we'd get you, you kind of interrupted something-" he tells me. He knows I've been here waiting on her. He watched me sprint to my truck just to come back here and look for her. But I miss her and him having sex isn't getting in my way.

"I need to talk to Brooke, please Duke, she's the closest I've got to Ellie. Ellie trusts her, she'd tell her anything" I beg and look at him pleading.

He's in his boxers, they probably sleep together just like Ellie and I do every night. He walks over to Brooke's bed and shakes her lightly. "Duke let me get dressed! I'm naked!" she yells at him as a smile grows on my face. Brooke is the most honest person I think I have ever met, but Duke calms her down and I can see them together in the future.

He shakes her again and she yells out. "Duke what the fuck!" Turning over and meeting my face at the door she stills as she looks up. She pulls the covers over her naked chest as she glares at him.

"Shirt." She demands pointing to his chest as he lifts it over his head and puts it directly over her head as I turn my head. I really don't want to see her naked anyway.

"He needs to talk to you" he tells her. I stay turned around until he starts, "You're good." He tells me as I turn back around.

She sighs and nods before walking to her dresser and pulling on a long pair of Dukes sweatpants as she throws them to him. He's still in boxers but I've seen him in less. He's seen my naked ass and I've seen his in the locker room showers.

"Tanner what do you need?" she asks while sighing and running her hand over her forehead.

"Have you talked to her? please don't lie to me" I plea as she stands in front of me with Duke behind her clutching on to her back.

"Yes, I did" she tells me as she avoids eye contact with me.

"Can you please call her, she blocked me and I have to talk to her Brooke, I didn't cheat on her. Gillian came onto me, I swear it on everything. I didn't do it, I love her and you know that" I tell her.

Duke looks at me like he knows exactly how I feel, he locks eyes with me and stares at me intently. "Look even if I wanted to I can't tell you anything. She's not coming back Tanner" she rasps out as I lose my breath and look down.

She's not coming back? What the hell? It's her dream to graduate from college and I was praying we could do it together. I wasn't even going to take my NFL offer if that meant I wasn't going to be near Alabama for her, I know I'd get drafted to the Cowboys right now and Texas is too far from her. I told the draft to let me think on it for a week or so, and I was going to give it up, for her. I was going to play here for four years and pray I get drafted again when I'm ready, but then she'd be my wife, permanently.

"What?" I yell as I hit the top of the doorframe with my fist.

"She is moving away, she has another school that offered her a full academic scholarship and she doesn't want to talk to you, she told me she didn't want to be found, she said she would call after a few weeks but I know she was saying goodbye. She said she didn't want anything from her room either, she's not coming back, Tanner" she sighs.

"Brooke please, I'll do anything if you let me call her. What do you want? Please give me the time to talk to her and stop her from leaving. She can't go, she can't leave me. Brooke you know me, I don't do this." I tell her. She's known me since high school and this isn't me from a year ago, I never would have done this over a girl, but now I'm a mess without her.

"Tanner, she doesn't want to talk to you" she says softly as she looks down at her feet.

"Please, please let me" I beg as I look down at her face. "Brooke please?" I ask again.

Duke comes up to me from behind Brooke and pats my shoulder. Brooke gives him a look of concern and he nods his head. They must have an unspoken language like Ellie and I have.

She walks over to her dresser and unplugs her phone and hands it to me. "You can go to her room and shut the door to talk if you want, we will give you privacy. If I lose my best friend over you Tanner I'm going to cut your dick off and give it to the goldfish in the fountain outside" she tells me as I still. She scares me enough to know that I wouldn't do that to her.

"Baby be nice." Duke tells her patting her butt to calm her down as she looks away from both of us.

"Thank you, I owe you. I'll buy you the purse Duke won't" I tell her as she laughs. She's been giving him crap about buying her some random purse for her birthday, and he's already bought it but I'm giving him shit about it. I walk directly into Ellie's room and go sit under her comforter, it still smells like her signature apple shampoo. I hold it to me as I take a long smell of it, my Ellie.

I pull open Brooke's contacts and click El's name, immediately a picture of them laughing in sunglasses pops up as I smile, she looks so fucking happy. It starts dialing a second later as I hold it to my ear. She picks up on the second ring.

"Brooke I told you goodbye already, do you miss me that much?" She asks sleepily, I know I woke her up but her voice is so good to hear. That voice is what made me so intrigued.

"Brooke, what's wrong? What happened? Did something happen to Tanner?" she asks worriedly as I hold back my voice. She cares, I know she does somewhere inside of her, she loves me.

I finally gather the courage to speak and say, "Baby, why did you leave?", and her her crack.

She sucks in a harsh breath of air before she sighs, "Tanner".

"Before you hang up on me please just listen" I beg.

"No, I don't want anything, goodby-" and I cut her off.

"No, you will listen to me. I did not cheat on you. I love you and only you Ellie. I'll do anything you want to prove it because you're my only girl! I called you earlier in the day to tell you about her coming to my dorm and you didn't answer, that's why I came up to you at my game and told you I had to tell you something. She used to be a girl I fucked regularly but baby, I haven't touched another woman besides you in eight months. She walked in and told me that she missed how much we fucked and that she wanted to see me. She called Chad and he let her know where I was. She then walked into my room and grabbed my head kissing me. She took of her shirt and bra to try and make me do something but I quickly put her shirt back over her head. I didn't touch her, I pushed her away and slammed the door. I honestly don't know why I didn't throw her bra away, I think it was because I had to be at the field, so I rushed out the door after finishing my exam" I rasp out catching my breath.

She sighs "Tanner I heard you in the locker room. You talked about me like I was a whore, you didn't even notice that I was watching you talk through the door crack. You don't know how it feels. You made me look stupid, waiting on you when you made it clear I was your whore, you broke my trust" she says as I feel my hands sweat. She's not wrong and it's my fault.

I feel my heart physically break in my chest, I feel it pound when she says that she doesn't trust me, Bab-" and I'm cut off by her.

"Don't you dare call me that. I'm not your babe" she says.

"That was locker room talk, it doesn't mean anything. The guys always fuck each other's girls when they find out about someone's relationship. How do you think it would have turned out with me telling them about you? They would have walked directly to you to get in your pants! They don't respect women, and I know I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry, I didn't want to deal with their shit. But in all honesty, when I talked about you in front of the camera I didn't care if they knew, because I know I love you, and I know that their opinions mean nothing to me" I tell her.

She starts, "Tanner listen to me, Gillian- she told me about how you two have been seeing each other and how she's transferring because you both are starting a relationship again. You told me about her." She tells me as I sigh. Fucking hell.

"I told you I messed around with her before. Not recently, at all." I tell her.

"But how do I know that if I can't your word for it. You told me you'd never say anything hurtful to me, and I told you my conditions Tanner. First you broke that amount of trust, then she shows up. How was I supposed to feel? You've hurt me and you don't even realize what you're doing still. You want me back? You want me back to hurt me is what you want." She demands as I stay still.

She finishes while I sigh into the phone "Please baby, please don't do this to us. I love you so fucking much. Ellie it's you, and you know it's you. You have my password for everything, look if you don't trust me, you have my STD test, I'll take one every week if that means I can have you laying beside me at night. I know we aren't perfect but we're learning how to love each other still. I know I love you, I know you're meant to be mine", I tell her. She has me all wrong, I do love her, she's my whole world now.

"That's not trust. What did I want? What was my main priority? Trust Tanner. What do we have now? I don't believe anything that's coming out of your mouth. I really though for a second, she's a liar, there is not a way in the world that he would do that. But you confirmed it when you talked the way you did. The Tanner I fell in love with and the Tanner I heard are two different people. I've realized that I don't need a relationship with you, I'm not going to be scared of you being with other girls at night or when you go to your away games. Just stop playing this game with me. Is she on the other line? Does this make you happy?" She asks in all seriousness as I wipe a stray tear from my eye. Nothing I say is going to work, nothing.

"I don't care if you want to break up, I'm not letting you. I forbid you from dumping me. You can't do it you owe us more than that. My love is not a lie, I want you goddammit! I want to marry you because I fucking love you!" I say harshly into the phone. I hear her suck in a breath as she stills. This is the first time I'm ever bluntly told her what I wanted to do, marry her.

"Ellie listen to me. Baby" I plead into the phone as she sighs.

"What?" She asks as I rub my arm.

"Do you think that if I was playing you, that I'd be able to spend time with you all day and all night? Do you think that you would have met my mom and dad? Do you think that I'd give up football for anyone but you? I'm supposed to be signing a contract but I'm not, I'm not because I don't have you. I don't have you holding my hand telling me that you love me no matter what I choose to do." I tell her as I wipe my face.

"I don't know." She answers as I sigh. "Baby yes you do. You know me, I wouldn't." I answer back.

I hear her sniffle back a cry too, "Tanner" she whispers as I still. I know what she's about to do, I hear it in her voice. She's about to say it. "Tanner, we're don-" she goes to start as I cut her off. "The fuck we are." I tell her as she cries into the phone, enough to make me physically hurt.

"Don't fucking say that to me Ellie. Where are you? Send me your location and I'll come to you. I don't care where you are, baby talk to me face to face. Don't be irrational El, I promise you it's not what it seems." I demand as I open Brooke's phone. I look though her apps before finding the app her and Ellie installed to make sure they could get to the other one if they needed help. She's in Alabama, she's, she's the place she said she'd never go back to.

"Tanner." She whispers again as I change the call. I try to change it to see her face as she declines it and cries into the phone.

"Ellie where are you? Talk to me." I tell her as she stays silent. "I don't want you to come near me." She tells me as I almost pull my damn hair out.

"I don't give two shits about what the fuck you want right now. You left, and you're trying to dump me and that will not happen. Ellie I love you. Baby, where are you?" I ask calmly at the end as she sighs. She's stays silent as I hear her wiping her tears and sniffing her nose.

"Do you love me?" I ask as I hold the phone. "Because the moment you and I became one person when we had sex, in that moment I looked at you and I knew you loved me as much as I love you. I knew I was fucked when you became the center of my attention. Not football. I'll give it up for you, whatever you want Ellie I'm not okay without you." I tell her.

"You're making this harder than it needs to be. You're not giving up anything. I'm not anything. Please stop." She cries as she sighs.

"Don't do this. I'm coming to get you right now." I demand as I open the app but her little dot is gone. She cut her location off.

"Tanner please stop." She tells me as I try to FaceTime her again and she declines it. "Let me see you El. I promise on everything that I didn't cheat on you with that slut. I swear to you Ellie." I tell her.

"Tan" she whimpers as I stop myself from grabbing the doorknob. She only calls me Tan when she needs me or my attention.

"I'm sorry, but I have to do what's best for me and-, me and something important to me. Good-luck with your contact. You want my help, sign it and go off and find you a beautiful wife. I hope you're always happy. I'll always love you, always." She whispers.

"If you love me then don't do this." I tell her as she sniffles into the phone.

"I guess my love isn't enough. Tell everyone I broke up with you to save your precious ego, good-luck keeping the next one happy and full of dick." She tells me as my gut hurts. She heard it, I knew I shouldn't have said that shit.

I try to start, "El I love y-" but before I can she's hanging up the phone. I wipe my face as I try calling her back only for the call to never go through.

She doesn't know that she's my everything. She's my world. I can't do anything without her, and she can't just go. She can't. She's done with me.

I sob into my hands as I throw the phone at the door and crack it in half, I've never cried over anything this much before but she has just broke me. I hear Duke open the door and walk up to me as I drop to my knees and grip my head in my hands. I catch my breath before standing up and throwing her desk chair as the fucking wall and cracking it into pieces as my anger builds to the point of me crying.

He's never seen me this way, I'm broken. He doesn't say anything as he walks out leaving me alone.

I can't believe that my everything just ended. My whole world has crashed. I just can't believe that this has happened. I grab the doorknob to her room as I slam it after me walking down to the stairs. I make my way out as I drive to the football field and right to the gym. I don't take a second before I find the punching bag and take out all my rage. I'm angry, I'm so damn mad.

I don't stop until my hands are bleeding and a hand gets placed on my back. Coach Brunson. At ten? At night?

"Tanner what's wrong?" He asks as he looks at my knuckles and I wipe the sweat and tears from my eyes. He has to know I'm not okay. I'm a mess, I'm a crying mess with sweat and tears all over me and I can't think about anything but what I fucked up. I messed it at up.

"Hand me a pen, I'll sign anything for any team, I'm getting the fuck out of here." I tell him as his eyes shoot wide open and he stills. I'm leaving, I can't do this. I'm broke. He takes one look at my face before he starts.

"Kingston, the girl?" He asks as I shake my head yes and then no. "I fucked it all up coach. I'm done. I'm leaving. I can't do this." I tell him breaking down to my knees as I sit on the bench sobbing my eyes out. I don't ever cry, at all, and she's the reason I am.

I want Ellie.