The Perseverance of Pain

There was a low hum in the air as I stuffed my face with cereal, my nose scrunching up as I reprimanded myself for leaving it out too long.

"What's that look for?" My eyes snapped up, coming into contact with my brother's hazel eyes. He looked almost amused, watching me from the other side of the dinner table, like a creep.

"It's soggy." I explained my dilemma because who eats soggy cereal? Only Satan, probably.

"And it's also Tripp's cereal." I looked down, no way - oh. I nodded, yeah it was. Odd because me and Tripp have completely different tastes when it comes to our cereal. While the health-freak liked the tasteless baked crisps, I loved the sweetest, most colorful bits one could find in the store. Actually, I frowned, why does this have so much milk?

"I wonder how it got here." I pondered out-loud, completely moving past the fact that I did know how Tripp's cereal got in my cabinet. He had decided to have a sleep over a few days ago, bringing over his favorite box of cereal because in my household, we don't cook. It wasn't anyone's fault really, my dad, me and my brother all had the attention span of a fish, meaning that if we did cook we would end up burning the food. And mom, well mom never really came back home in time to ever cook.

It wasn't like she was a great cook anyways. But, for some reason, I think a cooked meal would be a lot better than the same four meals ordered from the same four fast-food places in the area.

Kyle hummed, chin propped on his hand. "I wonder."

I narrowed my eyes at my brother's suspicious tone. Wonder what? "What?"

"You like him don't you?" I chewed on my next spoonful slowly as his accusatory question registered in my mind, making my ears ring at the implication.

"Tripp? Yeah, of course I like him. We're the closest friends could be." My heart stammered in my chest. While Kyle had come out to me for being gay a few years ago, I had never told him about the development of my feelings towards Tripp. There was always that overlying hesitation when it came to me, Tripp and our relationship, and I didn't want to drag anyone else into those flurry of emotions.

Kyle sighed heavily from the other side of the table, tongue clicking. The action and the sound made me freeze, tongue clicking wasn't something Kyle did. I swung my eyes back over to his figure, breath stuttering as my brother's figure blurred and morphed, tongue clicking was only something my dad did.

And he usually only did it when he was mad about something.

"Too close if you ask me." His grave-like voice muttered, sending a shiver down my spine. I let the bowl of cereal fall to the table again, clunking heavily as I pushed my chair back in an attempt to get away from him. The same green eyes that we shared looked back at me. As always, they were monotone, lacking the color that was often there when I was child. Now, it was replaced by this glassy haze. Sometimes it was because of the alcohol, but most times it was just pure hate. "You know, ever since your mother had you I knew you'd be a good-for-nothing-son."

My thigh burned and when I looked down I could see the cut he left me bleeding, the bodily fluid thick as it seeped through the fabric of my jeans. I didn't have to look up to see him smiling at me, his yellow teeth clashing against each other as his eyes studied me in a predator-like manner.

"I've always known, son." Why doesn't he ever say my name? Jus- "Logan, you've always been worthless."

I screeched awake as my thigh continued to throb, tears burning tracks down my cheeks as I clawed at the sheets, pulling them off to cup the sides of my leg. A whimper tore itself from my throat as I leaned forward to press my forehead against my knee, gulping down large breaths to try and calm myself down.

Because it was just a dream. And while my father and his words often made me doubt myself, and while they were effective in dragging me down deeper into the lake of dark thoughts, his acceptance towards me or my brother would never come to be. And I, for one, had to accept that.

But holy fuck, "It hurts."

This was always what my father wanted. Maybe not for me specifically, but for Kyle at least. Pain. And the poised, undoubtful assurance that one deserves this pain. pain, so endure it. It's the price, he whispered as he sunk the shard of glass down my thigh, the price for being worthless.

The words often worked to convince me that he wasn't looking for my brother, that the person he was after had always been me. But the muttered name of my brother leaving his lips as he staggered away from me assured me that he hated Kyle.

And I felt that same hatred towards my father.

Larger hands enveloped mine, pulling me out of my mindless thoughts. I let myself fall back onto him as he shifts his position, pressing his chest to my back and caccooning me with the side of his thighs. Tripp used his hands to guide mine, rubbing them soothingly from my knees to where my boxers met and repeating the process until my breathing spread out.

Once I calmed down I stopped the hand movements, gripping his wrists and wrapping them around my chest. It was unsurprising how easy Tripp managed to calm me down, despite not really touching each other prior to this new development, we were still pretty close and actions such as hugs and cuddles were always welcome.

"Sorry," I hesitated, knowing that there was no reason for me to be apologizing. My home situation was not my fault, but rather the result of my parents' loss of love towards each other and their lack of communication with each other.

Tripp hummed behind me, pressing his lips against the side of my head. "All during highschool I wanted to keep you safe, I still do, so it hurt a lot more than I'd like to admit when I found out what happened that day."

"How did you find out?" I interjected quickly, that day I had been rushed to the hospital by my brother. Knowing him, I easily managed to convince him to not call Tripp. All-in-all Tripp shouldn't have been able to learn about my house dilemma until after the event, and yet he found out hours later.

Tripp pinched the side of my thigh, "Don't change the topic."

Damn, it was worth a shot.

I mumbled another whispered apology, letting him continue. "Ever since I took you and your brother to my house I wanted to have you both stay there until your home situation improved." His arms tightened around me. "But I knew that if I did that, that if you accepted, you would hate yourself for giving up on your family."

I would. I nodded against his chest, "Yeah. But you are always here for me, you helped me through a lot more than you know Tripp." I shifted slightly so that I could catch his gaze, a smile tugging at my lips. "You even sang Man's Not Hot for me."

Tripp groaned, "I was hoping you'd forget about that."

A feigned offended gasp, "Tripp! How dare you, you have amazing singing capabilities. And! Even better, you danced!"

His hands left my side as he tried to hide his face, tearing a giggle from my throat as he sunk back against the dashboard of the bed. "No-o! Stop! It wasn't my best moment."

"I think it was your best moment." I teased, turning to grip his wrists and tugging on them. "Care to do it for me again?"

"Absolutely not." The previous heavy mood had lifted and as I successfully pulled Tripps hands away from his face, I couldn't help but grin widely at him, fully content with the fact that only Tripp made me feel this comfortable and happy.

"Come on Tripp!" Our eyes met and his hands found their place on my hips, tugging me over his lap and smiling softly at me. I bobbed my head as I tried to remember the tune of the song, "I tell her man's not hot-"

"No!" He groaned, gripping a pillow and folding it over his head to try and block my wonderful singing out. That didn't stop me, I kept singing, warmth coiling and filling my body.

"-four-door with the 44, it was one, two, three and four-"

Tripp tugged the bottom of his pillow upwards to peak up at me. "Why do I like you, oh-"

With an opportunity in sight, I gripped his face softly, leaning forward to press my lips against his. Tripp quickly reciprocated, one of his hands reaching up to grip the back of my head as he moved his lips against mine. It was slow, simple and it made me hum contentedly as I pulled away.

His eyes sparkled, "What was that for?"

"Nothing," I shrugged, pecking his lips again. You just make me so happy. "I just felt like it."

And Tripp grinned at me like I made his day, the tips of his fingers holding me closer as the night continued, my vivid nightmare long forgotten like it should be.

I sucked, at life in general, but also currently on the straw of my americano, waiting until the coffee artist was finished with Tripp's order. There was loud chatter around the cafe, my eyes swung over to a particularly loud group, recognizing them as the people who used to hang out outside of my class. I say used to because I hadn't seen them in a while.

A sudden movement caught my eye and I found myself coming face-to-face with Kai, a classmate of mine. His dark brown eyes scanned mine from across the cafe and my eyebrows furrowed as I realized that he was part of the boisterous group. Had he always been a part of that group? Then why stop waiting for him outside of the class?

I thought back to the other members, remembering David and his inappropriate advances. Sure, David was part of the group, but that was only after I went with Tripp to the party. It should have been the first red-flag, yet I simply summed it up to him being naturally extroverted and flirty. I blinked, still noticing Kai's lingering gaze. Did he know about David and his advances towards me? And, I scanned the group quickly, where was David?

After having told Tripp about my experience, I hadn't heard anything from David. It wasn't like I looked at him, or for an answer for his current status, but it Tripps doing? Or was it something else?

My attention snapped over to the counter as my name was called, turning my back to the group as I collected Tripp's drink.

I didn't look back as I exited the cafe, deciding to ignore the holes being burned into my retreating figure.