Being Abnormal

I shifted on the bed, a groan bubbling from the back of my throat as I pressed myself into the body behind me, getting even more comfortable. I immediately knew who it was. Like always; his body was firm, pure muscle pressing against my side. It kept me in place, and oddly enough, comforted me. Because Tripp was home, and he was the only one who brought me that feeling of warmth.

A sigh left me, enjoying Tripps presence behind me. As much as I hated to admit it; women were sometimes too soft. Something that, sure, isn't by choice, but still something I didn't particularly enjoy. Especially boobs, those were usually the most difficult to sleep against, it almost made leaning against them uncomfortable. I snorted, that was a problem for the future me, this wasn't the time to be thinking about that.

I shifted again, inhaling the crisp scent that was Tripp. That was another reason why I knew who was laying down next to me. We had been sleeping next-to-each-other, together, whatever, for the better part of our friendship. It was an odd click, but one I didn't want to get rid of.

Wait, was that weird?

The fact that I don't want to ever stop sleeping next to Tripp. Like ever? Was that normal? It had to be, right? He was my friend. . . . or did that make it weirder? Was Tripp supposed to be something more to enjoy moments such as this? Oh — that, that did sound weird.

I didn't like that at all.

I turned onto my side, burrowing myself further into Tripps chest, wanting more comfort to push away the thoughts I thought were weird. Push them - push them-

People are going to start classifying me as weird, wouldn't they? Would I mind? Did I ever care? There wasn't ever much that I did care about. Just my brother, and his boyfriend, and my bo— my best friend?

Yeah. My best friend. Tripp is. My. Best friend.

Thoughts distorted and broken; ?

I shook my head against Tripp's chest, whimpering when I felt one of his strong hands run themselves through my hair, grounding me. I shuddered as I felt him lean down to kiss the top of my head.

"Calm down baby, you're okay." I leaned forward, unwrapping my arms from his torso and wrapping them around his neck, hauling myself on top of him. This was one of the things that made me love Tripp, he could read me so easily, not hesitating to come to my aid whenever necessary.

In short, Tripp comforted me in ways others couldn't.

Even when I had tried to date seriously during high school, I found that the girls that I did happen to date brought nothing but stress relief for school related things. They never managed to make me comfortable enough to bring down my walls and allow for some sense of safety, comfort, or love.

Maybe that was my fault though.

My thoughts caught up on me and I froze as I re-analyzed them. Did I just think that Tripp loved me? . . . Did I love Tripp? Yeah, of course I did, as a friend. Just as a friend.

Tripps hands massaged my scalp, "Shh, no ones going to hurt you. I'm here, and I'm not leaving."

That statement instantly brought memories from the previous night back to life. Because instead of telling Tripp that I was thinking about him in inappropriate ways, I lied and told him that I simply couldn't sleep. Which wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth in that situation. Because truthfully, I never wanted Tripp to leave my side. I didn't want to loose him and the warmth that came with him.

Without much thought, I leaned forward again, rubbing the tip of my nose against his neck. The thin hairs of his beard scratched me in a pleasant way, making me jolt contently. But how would he react if I told him about all of the thoughts that infested my mind? It was so annoying, but it is the only thing consuming me.

These thoughts weren't exactly healthy with my sleepy brain. If anything, it was 30x worse. Oh, . Without thinking of my actions, I pulled myself upward once more, rubbing my body against his. I caressed the end of his chin as I propped myself upward, only squinting my eyes to gaze down at Tripp. His bright blue eyes flickered to meet mine, widening slightly as I leaned in to connect our lips.

It wasn't a scene from a movie, sure, but it didn't stop me from moaning at the contact. It was perfect, but I was supposed to be sleeping. So, with much reluctance, I pulled away, sighing his name under my breath as I resumed my previous position cuddled against his chest.

"Fuck." Tripp muttered above me, his hand landing on my head once more and running through my hair. I hummed, tightening my hold around his shoulders. Yeah, fuck, why did I just do that?

Two days passed and everything was going great.

Except for the fact that my dreams had become more intense. And I had started to think more deeply about how I was feeling towards my best friend. Most times I was able to redirect my train of thought, distracting myself with studying, music, or video games. But when I wasn't successful I simply found myself wallowing in self-pity, because no matter what scenario I came up with, I always put myself down.

It was odd though, I was odd. When my brother came out to me as gay I never hesitated in supporting him and his boyfriend. Well, kinda. His boyfriend was iffy, and new territory and someone I didn't know nor trust. But I definitely never used the fact that my brother was homosexual against him.

So why was I being so hard on myself? Why was it so hard for me to accept that I just might like my best friend, as more than a friend?

Because it was

I gripped the sides of my head as I rested my elbows against my thighs. It might be immoral, depending on who you asked, but it wasn't immoral to me. I've never cared about sexuality, so, didn't that exempt me from the expectations and morals I grew up in? I should be able to let go of these familial morals, my parents were never really family to begin with so why-

You're a stupid boy, Logan, the only thing you can do is hurt and be hurt. That's why you'll never make it in life, son.

My head snapped downward, in between my legs, . The words replayed in my head, and the more it did, the easier it was to convince myself that my father had a point. I didn't deserve happiness because all I do is hurt. All I do is hurt, hurt-

I hurt my brother when I couldn't protect him from our fathers words and physical assaults. I couldn't protect my mom when she started seeing someone else behind our fathers back because we were a hassle. And- I couldn't even protect Tripp.

Because I would hurt him with the truth, and I would hurt myself. And yeah, it was selfish, I was selfish. But I didn't want to be hurt either, and I didn't want to lose my one and only friend. With that resolved, I stood up from the couch, thanking the skies that Tripp had gone out to get dinner. That was better than seeing me practically breakdown with these thoughts.

I headed to his room, clambering onto his bed and falling face-first onto the pillows. I inhaled deeply, not holding back the tears that stung and gathered across my waterline. This was dumb, so, so dumb. And I hated it. I hated this. I hated my mind for creating these scenarios. I hated my body for acting this way. I hated it all.

I just,

I just to stay by Tripp's side.

Please let me stay by Tripp's side.

Another few days passed, it was now the end of the week, and Tripp has somehow convinced me to go to the party he was invited to earlier this week. It was something I had completely forgotten about. That was completely normal, however, what was not normal was why I had originally forgotten. Which was because of the thoughts that were totally, 100% abnormal.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I looked down at my shoes as I sat on the couch waiting for Tripp to come out. I had been doing this a lot lately, staring off into space. I had stopped being excited about the smallest things. Now I just wanted to lay down and sleep. I never wanted to wake up.

Because every time I started thinking my chest would tighten considerably, making it uncomfortable to breathe. It was worse that whenever I started thinking, my thoughts would somehow always end up going back to how I felt for Tripp. I let out a shaky sigh, wiping the corners of my eyes.

This was insane, I'm too sensitive. I looked towards the door, maybe I should just leave. But where would I go? The thought made me snap at myself because even when I was trying to change my entire lifestyle to not face or rely on Tripp; I hated it. I wanted to hang out with Tripp, I missed hanging out with Tripp.

I just, my hand clasped around my wrist, digging into my skin there.

"You ready?" I unclasped my hand, looking towards the voice. I stood up, maybe a little too fast and held back the want to give Tripp a once-over. He looked good, but then again, when didn't he look good?

"Y-Yeah."

"You good?" I gulped, God, be cool Logan.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" Fuck me Tripp, can you not be so perspective for once!? My skin tingled as he stepped forward, completely invading my personal space as he pressed four fingers against my forehead. I scoffed and slapped his hand away.

"I said I'm fine. Are we going or not?" I pushed past him and opened the door, cocking a brow as I looked back at him. I saw him gulp as his eyes studied me.

Finally he said "Yeah," before walking through the open door.

Someone help me.