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Have you ever imagined a life full of hurt?

Pain?

Torture?

Torment?

Yeah! That's how my life was. Full of torture, torment, pain and hurt. A good question that arises is why?

Let's start from the beginning.

My parents were a happily married couple when I was born. My so called 'daddy' owned his own multi-national company and was as rich as Croesus, but I ruined everything as soon as I came to this world. Let's say, I wasn't born under a lucky star and, in fact, my presence destroyed everything good near me. The lucky star didn't like me I guess.

First, my father went bankrupt as his business partner deceived him and took control over his company.

Second, my grandma had to face a heart attack and was in a critical situation, which I know from the amount of accusations I had to face. I don't have any feelings about that, I never got to talk to her because, guess what? She hates me.

Third, my uncle met a car accident in which his wife and children lost their lives. I haven't seen that uncle yet.

Fourth, a huge fire broke out in our house. No one died though, but everything was destroyed.

Fifth, my mom ended up kidnapped, just as she returned from the hospital. Poor her.

Need I say more?

I think these are quite enough; I don't want any more people to hate me.

This all happened when I was born and so I was labelled as an unlucky shit.

In short all I brought was misfortune and adversity.

My birth was disastrous for my family- for the world. This was the reason nobody loved me in these 17 years of my dreadful life. Whenever I looked into my parent's eyes, instead of finding love, affection, warmth, intimacy and sincerity, all I found was hatred. Pure hatred. It broke me. Completely. It wasn't once, but every time I saw them.

Disgust.

Enmity.

Hostility.

All of it was directed towards their own daughter. To the shit that belonged to them. I didn't want to be born! I didn't ask them to create me!

Although my father made great money later, I was still a victim to all their accusations and blaming up to now, no matter how much I tried to prove them wrong.

I never received a present on my birthday, ever. In fact, I doubt anyone even remembers the day. Nobody has ever bought me a cake to cut and I didn't get a single chance to be the part of our family gatherings.

I remember once when it was Josh's second birthday they cut a cute cake with a sponge bob on it. I couldn't help but wonder how happy he'd be feeling blowing those colourful candles and cutting the cake, holding Mom's hands. The hands I craved to hold. The hands I wanted her to do my hair with.

I couldn't help but wake up that night to go and try to do the same as him. I took out the left over cake from the refrigerator and inserted the candles in it, I lit them myself and blew them before cutting the cake. I remember, I even clapped for myself after that. How silly!

That was my only enjoyment.

I have a clear memory in my mind of how I used to struggle with my hair and tying it up, how I got punished every day in school for not doing it properly, how the boys use to tease me about it, and how I went to Miss Tina every morning to get it tied properly.

On Christmas and thanksgiving, when my family shared their best moments eating together and exchanging gifts, I remained at my house, alone. Sometimes when Rebecca was there we did a little celebration, but most of the time she wasn't. After all, she's got her family too and her family doesn't celebrate without her.

Sure, I did feel bad being left in the house alone, and also scared sometimes, but with time I got used to it. Used to being ignored, but as time passed it hurt even more to think about how bad my life was.

Never in all these years did anybody take me to eat ice-cream. It's not like I haven't eaten it, obviously I have, but I ate my first when I was 10 with my monthly allowance.

Never did anyone take me to the park to play or to have fun like other kids my age used to; I just rotted in my room every day.

No one bought me toys during my childhood to play with. In the beginning, I was jealous of my friends who had those beautiful dolls with pretty dresses and curly hair, but with time those feelings faded away, so naturally I got attached to books when I was young.

Nobody ever hugged me. Well, at least no one from my family; my care taker, Rebecca, hugs me sometimes.

And as for my friends, I have none! Those who I used to envy during my childhood left me, leaving me with only my childhood. After all, who would want to be friends with a piece of shit? Obviously except for my lovely books, which are all I have and all that my life depends upon. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my books.

You would have guessed by now how much of a nerd I am, which, I admit, but I can't change myself, and I shouldn't have to.

My parents... well, they're barely ever home because they're always on business trips (or should I say seizing the chance to get away from their cursed daughter- a chance to stay away from me?)

I've lived with Rebecca for about 10 years, and she's a closest thing I have to a mother.

My parents don't need me at all; they have another son, but I don't have another parents. They do come to see Josh on and off and take him out to enjoy himself with them often, but the last time I saw them was almost 15 months ago, and the last time we talked was about 3 months ago. Can you believe that I'm not even allowed to see my own brother?! I love him with all my heart, but everyone thinks I'll pass my misfortune to him if I go near him.

God, this is sick. I mean, come on! It's not like I'm carrying some kind of contagious disease!

Now, you're aware of my life at home, but you can't even imagine my life at school. It's ten times worse.

Not just the cheerleaders, populars and jocks, but the whole school bullies me, and complaining about it isn't exactly a good option.

Every day, I come home with broken glasses, clothes drenched in soda, hair stinking of ketchup and cafeteria soup, ripped jeans and that same old ugly face with that familiar fake smile with my body in terrible pain as a result of those regular beatings I was subjected to. Sometimes I had a bruised leg or an injured arm too, and sometimes even an aching back.

The only option I had was being strong. Every day I would repeat encouraging words in my head to keep myself going.

I always thought that if I was given this life than I should be strong enough to live it fully, but that belief didn't strengthen me anymore.

I was done emotionally.

I was drenched physically.

I was dead spiritually.

It felt like people were cutting me with knifes with all that they were doing to me, and I couldn't bear any more scars.

I just wanted to close my eyes once and for all. Rebecca tells me to keep fighting, but how can she understand that I've already had lost.

I wasn't depressed, I was tired. Tired of trying, tired of the pain that this all brought. I felt like I was bothering people around me, just by being alive.

So I decided to end this torture, to free this world from my misfortune, to live a peaceful life with no bullying at all, to get freedom from this never-ending torment, to make my parents the happiest parents on the earth. To make them proud by removing myself entirely from their lives.

The world would be better off without me.

So I ran, and I took the knife from the kitchen drawer and began to rub it wildly on my hand, slicing the area of my wrist where my veins showed. The only thought in my mind at that time was the freedom I would be met with. I stared at the cut I made and cringed as the blood started to appear.

No one would notice my absence anyways.

I didn't let the tears to come out of my eyes and tried to hold them inside, seeing blood oozing from the cut I made, but I felt no pain. None at all. Tears that were no longer controllable rolled down my cheeks and I was completely numb. Things started to blur as I fell to the ground with a loud thud.

I smiled a triumphant smile. I was going to be free now, I was going to leave this world for good. I was going to rest in peace.

Taking my last breaths I said, "I love you Josh! I love you Rebecca! Don't miss me too much!" Then I giggled to myself, thinking why would anyone miss me at all?

Hopefully this time I'll succeed.......

And then, everything turned dark.

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