But, when Cayden looked at me, I got so nervous I almost forgot what I was going to ask her altogether.

"Um," I said, my face going into such a hot blush I knew it was obvious, there was no way Cayden wasn't seeing it. "Yeah."

Cayden looked a little confused. "Yeah."

We sat in silence for a second, Cayden clearly able to tell that there was someone on my mind but neither of us wanting to bring it up. Maybe we were more ready to have the big DTR conversation than we thought. Maybe we were both genuinely into each other and just waiting for the other person to make the move. I wanted to make that leap and be the person who initiated all of it, especially since it seemed like we were mostly on the same page. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was so much easier to just coast with what was going on than bring anything up to her and make it feel serious.

Cayden laid down and looked at me, nodding toward her chest to indicate that she wanted me to join her. My heart fluttered in a way that made me feel stupid and girlish, like I couldn't believe I had a crush. But how could I not at least have some feelings for Cayden? She was kind to me. She listened. We had great sex.

The thought startled me. I'd be stupid to completely ignore whatever was blossoming in me for Cayden, but the reality that I really actually liked her—that I'd not only be jealous if she was seeing other people but it'd also be genuinely too hard to be in her life if she picked someone else over me—was a lot.

"You're tense," Cayden said, her raspy voice low. I leaned more into her chest, listening to her heart as Cayden wrapped her arms around me. It was a simple action, but it made me feel secure and almost physically safe. It was like she was directly communicating that she cared about me without actually having to say it. I found it hard not to completely melt into her and fantasize about this being an everyday thing. I wanted to meet up with her after class, I wanted to go on dates with her, I wanted to go to her with good news and bad news and know that'd she listen. It just all felt like so much too soon. And with way too much baggage considering my history with Sebastian.

"I'm just thinking about the Spring semester approaching," I said, the lie coming out easily. I felt guilty for not directly telling her the truth but I wasn't ready for it yet. I was hoping maybe I could convince myself that it was okay to lie if I knew I'd bring it up to her later. Eventually... Hopefully.

"Okay," Cayden said and kissed the top of my head. My whole body practically radiated with joy, pulling me in so hard that, just for a moment, I shut my brain off and allowed myself to just enjoy being with her.

J&J greeted me immediately the next morning.

"So date night went well?" Jade asked and Jaci giggled over her coffee.

"I think so," I said and Jade squealed.

"Ugh, this is so cute. I always knew you could do better than Sebastian. I'm so glad you put yourself back out there," Jade gushed.

"I am too," I said, genuinely meaning it. I was surprised by how quickly the words came out. I was already starting to feel like a totally different girl from who I was when I was with Sebastian and I really loved it.

We all sat in silence as I prepared myself some tea and Jaci cleared her throat, "So! Details please? Come on!"

I laughed and sat down at the dining room table with them. I felt loose and happy, my whole body buzzing with pleasure from waking up with Cayden.

"It was nice! We watched a movie."

"Right. Watched a movie," Jade said and I laughed.

"Fine, yeah, whatever. We had sex. A lot of sex. It was great," I said. I wanted to come out to J&J eventually—I loved them and had no reason to believe they wouldn't accept me for who I was—but it felt way too complicated having to explain that I've been gay this entire time and that I was dating Sebastian's best friend. There was no way I could say that I was dating a girl and have them not ask questions about how we met, how I knew I liked her, if they could see pictures. It'd become way too much too quickly.

"Thank you for the extensive description," Jaci said. "You really are just full of fun gossip."

"I'm sorry, it's boring!" I said. "I just... I like him." the words felt weird coming out of my mouth, like all I wanted to do was scream from the rooftops that I was seeing a really wonderful woman who was sweet and protective and fun to be around. "There's no good gossip when the dates are good."

"So does this mean you're exclusive? Does he feel the same way?" Jade asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"I—" I cleared my throat. "I don't know. We haven't gotten that far yet. We're still getting to know each other, y'know? It's hard."

"I mean, do you want to be exclusive? Because if you do—and with the amount of effort he's putting in with you it seems like maybe he's interested too—it could be kind of badass to say something," Jaci said and Jade let out a loud laugh. "I know, the advice is, like, kind of fucking crazy. But dating sucks! When you find someone you like, it can be worth it just to say something rather than waiting around."

"Who are you and what did you do with the Jaci I know?" Jade asked.

"It's the twenty-first century, babe. I'm just trying to embrace being a modern woman. If I want sex or if I want to be exclusive with someone or if I'm not interested, I'm not going to be shy. That was my whole motto for my birthday, remember? I was going to be big and bold for twenty-one. I haven't really stuck to it but I feel like I can at least share my wisdom."

"Yeah? How's that wisdom worked out for you? I asked and Jade laughed.

"Okay, maybe I haven't tried it," Jaci said. "Fair point. But I stand by it. We're young, we're hot. We should demand what we want and move on when we don't get it."

"Easier said than done," Jade chimed in.

Jaci shrugged, "I'm just suggesting it. Like, what's really stopping you? Do you really want to go through all of this with some guy who isn't into you or doesn't view you as worth committing to? And it seems like it's going well, so do you have any reason to believe he'd stop seeing you altogether just because you asked what do you think about us so far?"

"I..." I bit my lip. She had a good point, it was stupid to put myself through all of this to be with someone when I didn't even know if they felt the same. Rejection would hurt, but I could move on from it now probably easier than I would if Cayden and I had been seeing each other for months.

"Wait, do you have a reason to believe he might not be into you?" Jade asked and I cursed my lack of a poker face.

"No, not really," I said. "Well. Okay. I don't have a reason to believe he might not be into me, but I'm having trouble figuring out if he's into only me." I was surprised by how good it felt to finally say that out loud.

"Oh," Jaci said, drawing out the vowels. "I mean, I guess that's even more reason to ask questions, right? Even if you don't put a label on it or anything, becoming exclusive could be a good next step? Just trying out dating only each other? It doesn't have to be a big serious thing."

"What if he has an ex that's still reaching out to him?"

"Is he, like, actively talking to or like... god forbid, hooking up with her?" Jade asked.

"I don't know. It seems like he's pretty much over it but she's still contacting him and blurring the lines of being friendly."

"I guess, then, it just matters how much you trust him and trust what he's telling you," Jaci said.

"Or... how much we trust him," Jade added. "We're going to the grand opening of that new bar over near central park tomorrow night, it's called Lava Lounge—invite Griffin,"