《Midnight Lullabies》04 | Monochromatic Memories

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dear Allen,

let me tell you a story.

when I was younger

and the devil pounded my head on both sides

I used to imagine popping a vessel in my head

and watching the blood flow out

with the pressure and the pain —

pop a vessel and watch the ache

smooth it's way out of my head.

but Allen,

I've grown up now

and my headaches seem to have...changed.

when my head hurts

I mean I am tired

I mean I want to rip my hair out

I mean I want to throw out the memories

because they drive me

to the verge of death

and I want to slice at my flesh

in hopes that the pain would ooze out

make its way out of my head.

but how

how can I relieve this ache

when it seems to be in my head

like our initials on the old oak tree

and the memories burn like cheap liquor on a Saturday night alone.

you know Allen,

they drive me mad

like a patient trapped in a psych ward

they want to pump the memories out of me

like how they pumped information out of you

and manipulated you and forced you to lie

and so soon those lies turned into facts you believed

but I will not break.

I cannot tell the difference between black and white

I cannot tell the difference between day and night

nor can I see the light in your eyes

for it has burned out

not a flicker or a flame did you leave behind

you were a fire put out too soon

a formula memorized and too quickly forgotten

but I just can't seem to decipher you

and derive an equation from you

you were million different variables but I wasn't your answer

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and my mind throbs and throbs

with the memories you seem to have forgotten

it haunts me day and night —

(not that there's a difference;)

those thoughts have made a resting place

in this troubled mind of mine

thoughts never dared to be acted upon

thoughts never turned to words;

thoughts that will reside in my mind

where it awakes and sleeps

reappears and disappears

remember and forget

remember and forget

a constant cycle of torture I can't seems to get out of

you were a flame, a fire

but you burned out too soon

and spread flames to everything around you

you were a spectrum,

and now everything around me is

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