beautiful

a word carved into my eyelids

burning in the corners of my

shattered mind

beautiful

it's written on the silver screens

in bathrooms that have memorized the sound

of my screams

beautiful

it's scrawled over the lips of seeking faces

searching crowds for brighter eyes

that they can kiss until their darkened into the blanket of black skies

beautiful

i mumble it in my sleep

wishing i could believe

for just an instant

that i was beautiful

instead i make my stomach flat

carry lies on my fingertips

cold water filling my throat

i still feel dry

beautiful

i make myself into the stones you see

in marble libraries

made of ice and snow

and all the frigid breaths that i have come to know

beautiful

you're going to waste away, they say

i have nothing left but broken hearts

torn to shreds and frozen blue in my chest

a thousand gaping holes upon a thousand

ghosts and stones thrown at my body

when the scars were only fresh

they ask me

with their words so nicely

am i pretty

am i pretty

bowed heads and dipping lashes

i tilt their heads up

I whisper and i promise

prettier than pretty could ever be

they keep asking me

so nicely, so nicely

am i pretty

am i pretty

darling, you grow more beautiful each day

but am i lying

when inside I'm begging to be consoled

in such a way

i have locked my lips and sealed my secrets

bit at skin carved in gashes

crying into my own arms

afraid to ask anyone to stay

once upon a time

i could tell you, i could ask you

am i pretty, am i pretty

i would wait for an answer

but those days

they have passed

in bleeding, dripping photographs

all my bones are broken

there are bruises on my heart

there are countless words made of sugar

laced with poison

countless hims, hers, theys

who have ripped the color from my skin

drained the warmth until i'm blue

half dead

so no longer ever will i ask you

am i pretty

am i pretty

i will tell myself

you aren't pretty

you must be pretty

thinner

smarter

better

brighter

nothing is ever good enough

i am never good enough

i am much too weak

i am bursting at the seams

what does it take just to be beautiful

do i have to hurt just to be beautiful

will it please you if i could be beautiful

i just want to be beautiful

i am not beautiful