Our kiss left a feeling in me I could barely describe. I've tasted other lips before, but I have never melted under a soft peck as I did when she stopped our kiss, smiling at my eyes while leaning closer for a last touch. My heart was not racing, instead it was calm, overflowed by a strong, warm sensation that made me named it "adoration". The first time I saw Bianca I would have sworn she was the worst human I had ever met; on our second and third meeting, I was confused, not sure if I should hate or admire her; after a while, I couldn't stop thinking about her, whether she was thinking about me, if her lips would fit well on mine. That was the moment I discovered new shades of my sexuality, which had so far been firmly straight. In the course of discovering my attraction towards my professor, I also fell into a complicated physical attraction with Tia.

'Am I betraying Tia?' I asked myself, while holding Bianca's hand, both of us in silence, taking in what just happened. 'I never promised her anything, but I did lead her on with my dramas and expectations'. I could not deny the bitter guilt growing in my stomach, but it was not stronger than the butterflies raised by Bianca's skin on mine. We stayed in silence, holding hands, both avoiding each other's eyes, but underneath the quietude, a storm of questions and fear waited for their time to burst.

"Bianca", I said with all the courage left in me, knowing that sooner or later we would need to face ourselves. She closed her eyes at the sound of my voice, taking a deep breath while stepping away from me. I stayed in silence, studying every movement, trying to find any hint of what she was thinking or feeling. It would be too simple to say I was scared, when in reality every cell on my body shivered with the idea of never being close to Bianca again. Even the remote possibility of living my life as if that kiss never happened sounded like an impossible task, but I knew I would need to endure it. Kissing her was my choice, now I should be prepared for the consequences.

"You know this -Bianca pointed at both of us - can't happen, right? I am your professor, Olivia. I could lose my job, or even worse, smear my reputation. I have been working so hard since I was a kid to be recognized as a talented woman. You know how hard it is in this patriarchal field for a woman to succeed?"

I stayed still, imagining Bianca as a kid, the hours she dedicated training piano, carrying her parents' expectations. I also imagined her as a teenager, already going through college, traveling around the world and performing for large crowds. I would never be able to fully understand what she had experienced to become who she is: a renowned pianist and professor. Among so many feelings, I am also proud of the strong woman she had become, capable of overcoming her own ghosts in the name of a dream.

"The woman standing in front of me" I started saying, emotions taking over my words, making it sound shaky and fade,is the example I want to follow forever. "Who you are, as a professor and pianist, nobody can never question, no matter what. Your talent can never be doubted, it is a fact. I admire you beyond any other feelings I also have for you."

Tears were now falling on her face, pursued by rigid lips trying hard to control her sobbing. I tried to move closer to her, but Bianca's hand asked me to stay away, which I respected. Watching her attempt to compose herself, my heart broke in a thousand pieces, but I could never regret my feelings for her.

"I can't deny my feelings for you, Bianca." You can ask me to stay away, to never talk about it again, to never touch you . . . but you can't ask me to forget. I know you are my professor" I started feeling frustrated, even angry, with how unfair the universe was to show me such prohibited emotions. "Fuck." I sat on the piano's bench, thinking carefully on my words. "I would never want to cause you any harm. I have never felt towards a woman . . . towards anyone . . . what I feel for you."

Sitting on the couch, Bianca looked at me with surprised eyes. Rubbing her fingers around the couch's arm, she tried to control her thoughts, pondering carefully about her questions.

"Have you never . . . Ummm... kissed a woman before?" She looked deeply into my eyes. I wish I could say yes, desiring that she would have been my first, which also made me feel guilty. 'Tia deserves so much better', I thought, biting my own tongue.

"My whole life, I never worried about questioning my sexuality. It was normal for me to assume I liked guys, and it was okay. I never felt love or even attraction, if you ask me, but I thought it was a matter of time. When I moved to New York, things started changing, and I met you . . " I looked timidly at her, feeling my cheeks getting hot and I hated how my white skin would let it be so evident to her eyes. "But I also met another person . . .Uhmm . . . her name is Tia."

Bianca's posture changed. Crossing her legs, she held her knees to her chest and stared at me without blinking. The muscles in her neck strained, as she gulped hard. I could see how dry her mouth had become. Closing her eyes, after seconds of staring at me, she said.

"I think I know who she is."

"Yeah, you've met her before."

"So she was your first kiss?" Her glare had a different expression that I couldn't read well, leaving me confused and scared.

"The first woman I kissed, yes" My voice sounded so low, as if speaking quietly would change the meaning behind it.

"Did you guys..." Bianca's body tensed up, and she abruptly stood up, giving me her back, while her hand played with her necklace. "Mmm... Did you guys" She tried again, but gave up in the middle.

"I don't think you have the right to ask me that". Angry, I moved from the bench, getting closer to the living-room window. A memory of the night in the bar where she called her girlfriend had never actually left my brain. 'Who is she to ask me that or make me feel guilty when she is the one in a relationship?'

"You have a girlfriend" I continued, looking at the blue sky outside of her house. I felt her eyes staring aggressively at my back. "I heard your conversation at the bar that night, you were not trying to hide. But to answer your question, no . . I never slept with Tia."

The sound of her relief just made me more upset. Would it have changed something if I had? She shouldn't care about my partners or with whom I had sex with, it was before her and part of my own experience. I could hear her steps getting closer to me, and only the thought of her hand on me made my anger less present. However, controlling her gestures, Bianca simply sat on her piano's bench and asked me to turn in her direction. Breathing through my mouth, I tried to catch all the air possible in my lungs, before facing Bianca's eyes again.

"She is not my girlfriend. Actually.." She raised her right hand. "We are engaged."

My jaw dropped. I blinked my eyes hard, trying to contain the tears. A mix of indignation and pain lacerated my heart. What could I say to that? If before, any relationship seemed unthinkable, now it is impossible. My nervousness started giving up on me, and the memory of her previous questions sounded more ridiculous than ever.

"I am a fucking toy for you, aren't I?" A nervous laughter filled the silence, and without control, it just got louder. "You have never really cared about me. God, I am so stupid. You always left me hanging, feeling bad about myself, or guilty, or vulnerable. And here I was, once again, worrying about a kiss when you have a fucking fiance. You have got to be kidding me." I started rubbing my temples with both hands, trying to push away how immature and stupid I felt.

Once more, Bianca answered me with a poker, cold, face. Staring at my shoulders, as if it made her look more confident, Bianca sat with her best posture, holding her knees close.

"I never gave you any reason to think we had something going on, Olivia. Did I? I have never said a word to you that could possibly make you think I had any type of feelings for you..."

Laughing in disbelief of what I was hearing, I cut off Bianca's voice.

"So you are trying to make me sound crazy? Are you seriously gaslighting me right now? As if I had imagined your flirty eyes or words? Did I also imagine our kiss seconds ago? The way you bit my lips still feels pretty real to me, professor." Standing up, I put on my jacket. "You know what! Stay here, in your empty mansion, surrounded by your sycophantic friends, and never-around fiance. But listen clearly to my words, never again, I mean never, try to underestimate my intelligence or make me sound crazy. For a woman fighting misogynists, you've learned pretty well from them."

Slamming her door hard, I walked out without looking back. Huffing all the way out of her front yard, I decided I had enough energy to blow on a 40 min walk to the closest subway station, rather than requesting an uber. 'How can she be such a bitch after kissing me like that?' After some minutes of intense walking, the anger started giving space to sadness. Rewinding all her words and how her lips chased mine with such desire, I found myself in a limbo of confusion, trying to trace back all our interactions, wondering if she had never been trustworthy.

Ring Ring

My phone, once more, brought me back to reality showing the name "Mia" on my screen. Just the vision of my best friend's name made me start crying uncontrollably. Answering the phone, I was unable to form any coherent words, crying like a kid, calling her name in the middle of one of the most expensive streets in Brooklyn.

"Olivia, are you hurt? WHAT HAPPENED?" Mia was in despair, trying to calm me down. "OLIVIA, CALM DOWN!" She yelled on the other line, forcing me to breathe. "Okay, now what is happening? Are you hurt? Do you want me to call the ambulance or the police?"

"No". I whispered.

"Where are you? Olivia, for God's sake, you are scaring me."

"I am sorry! You caught me at a really bad time, I just had a discussion and I saw your name.... I couldn't control myself. I am not hurt, at least not how you are imagining."

"Olivia!" She said softly, comforting me by reminding myself that there still existed people in the world that cared about me. "Well, it seems like I came here at the right time."

"What do you mean?" My heart raced with the idea of Mia being close. "Are you in New York?" A smile finally found its way to my lips.

"Yes! I just got to your apartment. It was supposed to be a surprise, but you never came home. You have been gone the whole morning. Where are you?"

"Oh God! Is it real? You are not kidding, right? I will kill you if you are." Her laugh made my heart calm, and I couldn't wait to see my friend and hug her like never before.

_____________________________________________________

"MIA!!!!" I yelled when I saw her in my living room, talking with Sandy. Both seemed relaxed, enjoying some coffee while listening to Mia's favorite band, Mt. Joy. I ran to her, throwing myself on her lap, making her spill a sip of her coffee on the floor.

"I didn't know you were going to be so happy to see me."

I held her as tightly as I could, deeply hoping I could forget everything that just happened. Unable to speak, my arms held her close, and the familiar perfume brought me back to a time where my life was free of suffering. The memory of us running on the mountains, free of responsibilities or expectations made my body shake. Tears that had never really left my heart started growing again, and soon, they were falling all over my face, making me sob hard on Mia's shoulders.

The two girls stared at each other, worried about my breakdown. Not knowing how to react properly, they just sat there letting me cry out before asking anything. When I finally calmed myself, Mia smiled at me, putting my hair behind my ears.

"Are you ready to talk now?" Mia asked, holding my hand. Sandy looked at both of us, excusing herself.

"No, please, stay." I said to Sandy. "You have been by my side, enduring a lot of my moods. I also need you." My tone was so melodic that Sandy couldn't refuse, also worried about what could happen that was giving me such a hard time.

"Mia. I am about to tell you something really important. I don't know how you will react, but, please, just remember that it does not change who I am. I am still the same person... your friend. Can you promise me that?"

Mia nodded, raising an eyebrow to me, with concern in her eyes. I took a deep breath, scared of how Mia would react to my new feelings, also scared of losing someone so important.

"Trust me" Mia said, smiling, reassuring me that she was my best friend for a reason.

"I avoided telling you this all this time, because I was scared, not because I don't trust you. Also, I was trying to understand myself, trying to accept what the hell was going on with me." I looked at Mia, searching for a sign of understandment.

"Ok. continue" . My hands were sweating under hers.

"Since I came to New York, I find myself having different feelings."

"Different feelings." Mia repeated, trying to follow my thought.

"Yes. Umm... God, this is so hard."

"Olivia, just say it, straightforward. Everything will be fine" Sandy commented, starting to also get nervous by my insecurity.

"Ok. Ok.... So, Mia" I looked at her eyes. "I like girls." I blurted out, closing my eyes, fearing Mia's gaze.

"What the hell." Mia answered, followed by a laugh. "Seriously Olivia? All this drama to tell me you like girls? Oh my God. How old do you think I am? Give me a break, Girl." She hugged me, and now I was able to breathe, releasing all my stress.

"Are you seriously okay with that?"

"Of course. I don't care about the gender or sexuality of your partners. I just care if they treat you well, like you deserve."

I threw myself into Mia's arms again, hugging my friend tightly. The world now seemed a little better of a place than before.

"Olivia". She whispered. "I also have news to share. I still want to hear why you were crying on the phone. But since we got into that, I need to tell you something."

"Sure! What is it?"

"I really appreciate you coming out to me, but . . . I need to do the same thing."

Confused, I glanced at Sandy, who was also lost in Mia's words.

"I am a lesbian." Mia's voice was hesitant, as if it was the first time she said out loud. Her eyes searched for mine, which were in complete shock. Staring at my friend, my brain was foggy, unable to rationalize the idea of Mia being gay.

"Since . . . How . . . Where . . . WHAT?"

"Calm down." She said, teaching me how to breathe, which I followed.

"How about you marrying and having kids? You told me that was your dream."

"I do want to marry and have kids. It's still possible, Olivia." Mia joked, in an attempt to loosen up the tension in the room.

"You? A Lesbian?" I repeated those two words a couple of times, trying to make sense of that news. "I don't even know what I am." I said, although I meant to keep that to myself.

Mia and Sandy burst into laughter. I looked at them with wide eyes, still in shock, but realizing how funny all that sounded, and how she had been so closed-minded her entire life.

"Mia. I am sorry. I wasn't expecting this, of course. Since when did you know? And what are you going to do? Are you still going to live in Alpine? I don't think you are going to have many partner options out there." I joked, but also being honest since the gay scene was almost inexistent in Alpine.

"That's a lot of questions, my dear, stupid, friend. I think I've known since I was a kid . . . since" She stopped abruptly, looking at my eyes that were curiously waiting for her to continue. "Since I had a crush on this girl ... It's not important. But I only realized when I was a teenager. I have fought with myself since then, but now I decided to stop torturing myself by dating men that I could barely kiss."

"WOW. That's " I gestured as if her mind was exploding, making both girls laugh.

"I was wondering if I could stay with you guys . . . until I can find a job and an apartment to live in. I promise it will be temporary."

Olivia, again, jumped into Mia's arms in excitement.

"OMG, yes, please. You can stay in my room. I have a king-size bed, enough space."

Sandy, who was only observing, smiling here and there, noticed the despair taking Mia's eyes. The girl's muscles tensed up all over her body, uncomfortably staring at the floor while Olivia spread out all her plans.

"Actually," Sandy intervened. "I think she could stay in my bedroom. I have the biggest room, since I was the first one to start this community. We can put a second bed there easily. We could also buy some dividers, for now, and kind of make her own private space. Would you like that Mia?"

"YES" She yelled, a reaction that made me mad. I was hoping to spend time with my friend like old times, gossiping all night and sleeping in each other's arms.