Khun Vegas is in front of me and the same as what he is feeling right now, I don’t know if my heart is also prepared to hear everything.

Why all of a sudden they are bringing up an issue about my past? The spotlight has turn into mine yet this is what awaits me.

“I will let you deal with his problem.” I still didn’t look at Khun Korn who spoke. “Vegas knew what I wanted to say so I will let the two of you fix this the way you want.”

I felt Khun Korn’s presence disappear that the silence has enveloped the two of us in this old, vacant meeting room in the mansion.

Am I prepared to hear everthing? No. Do I need to listen? Yes. I grew up not really paying attention with the absence of my parents especially my mother.

My grandparents provided me love and home that I almost forgot that there is an empty space in my heart.

However, the moment I find out that they are aware about my mother, the space I thought in my heart that isn’t there anymore just showed up, making me feel heavy and burdened.

“Pam Saengtham. Do you know about your mother’s name?” Khun Vegas ask with his concern voice and I saw how he pities me.

“Yes.” I don’t have any time to be playful anymore and I can’t pretend that everything is fine.

“However, Khun Korn told me that you don’t know about your mother’s name.”

I stare at him and bit my lower lip. “My grandparents hate my mother so I pretended like she didn’t exist.” I replied with all honesty.

When I was a kid, I will overhear them talk about my mother. They refuse to tell me her name but there are times when I will caught them talking about her.

Both of my grandparents hates her, saying that she only came home to give birth on me and without even waiting for me to turn a month old, she disappears without leaving a note. They say that she probably had a good life in Bangkok that she didn’t want to take responsibility on me.

Until now, my grandma and grandpa are still bitter about it. I even hear them say that my mother is ungrateful. They provided her needs, let her work in Bangkok, got pregnant and leave the baby maybe for a man or a luxurious life.

“Pam Saengtham works here for Khun Korn, she’s a spy.” Khun Vegas told me the next information he knew.

“A spy?” I ask in disbelief that I can only cover my face.

Damn. She’s kind of cool if she is a spy. Damn it, Pete! Stop being distracted! I am surprise to know that my mother is that kind of person. I wonder if my grandparents know about this.

To be honest, my grandparents know that I am a bodyguard of Khun No from a successful clan of businessmen but they are also not aware of the business we are doing. They don’t have any idea that their only grandson is far from what they can imagine.

“Khun Ja is Phi…Khun…”

When I realize the trouble of Khun Vegas, I couldn’t help but to laugh at him. Is he having a hard time on how to address my mother?

“Just call him Phi Pam.” I said, making the conversation less stressing.

No matter how much I wanted this conversation to be serious, I know it will be difficult for me. I can’t handle the seriousness that I wanted it to be more relaxed beside; my mood has already adjusted to the situation.

“Yes, she’s Khun Ja’s ex-lover.”

“My mother?!” I pointed out the direction outside. “You mean the Khun Ja we know?”

A spy had a relationship with a mafia? I sat properly, still processing what I just heard. First, my mother is a spy and now she once had a relationship with an influential mafia.

Damn. What kind of person is she that she managed to do those things?

“She’s built different.” I talk to myself still collecting my thoughts.

I heard Khun Vegas laugh a little and his face that’s serious a while ago seems to be a little bit calm.

I slightly clap my hands somehow feeling proud. My mother is definitely different.

“She was appointed to spy on Khun Pat’s business.”

There he goes again with all of the revelation that makes my head hurt.

“The Khun Pat of Red Empire?” Khun Gray’s older brother?

“Yes. They say that she manage to escape but eventually disappear.”

“Do you know who my father is?” I ask seriously.

I saw Khun Vegas pause for a while, his eyes are shaking but it still manage to look at me.

“I don’t know,” he answered.

My eyes focus on Khun Vegas’s hands as he clenched them tightly almost breaking his knuckles.

The silence arrived once again as I think deeper, analyzing everything what he just said.

“Maybe I should look for my mother.” I told him.

I don’t know why I am telling him this. What I only know is that he tried to warn me about Phi White. He told me what he knows about my family and I believe in him.

I don’t want to think that the Khun Vegas in front of me is the tricky one but someone I can trust. In this situation, my friends and even the young masters have nothing to do with this.

“Are you sure you’re going to look for her?”

“Yes. I think my mother’s past job is related on why Phi White wants to get me.” I told him.

His face was still hesitant with what I said.

A part of me says that there is a possibility that she is alive. She’s a spy who manages to mess with a mafia. I know that being weak doesn’t run in our blood. As what they say, she disappeared. There is still a chance of her coming back.

Speaking of it. The last time my mother has been associated is with Khun Pat. There is a chance that Khun Pat has something to do with this. I am a little bit disappointed since I thought that he is the coolest among the trio.

“I think Khun Pat has something to do with this.”

Thank goodness for my brain cells those aren’t fully corrupted. Khun Pat might have something to do with this. He might be involved with the disappearance of my mother. I wonder who my father is.

“I will investigate on Khun Pat.”

“What?!”

I was stunned with the sudden reaction of Khun Vegas. He doesn’t need to react that way.

“He might know where my mother is.”

“It’s dangerous.” He calmly said. “You don’t know where he is so messing and attacking him all of a sudden will never bring any benefits.”

It makes some sense. How can I mess with an issue that happened twenty years ago? Over those years, there could be lots of major change. I wasn’t born that time which makes it more difficult to interfere. I am hoping that there would be a clue about my mother.

It doesn’t matter if she’s alive, living her wonderful life or already did. Just for a moment, I wanted to be a son who will have the chance to meet his mother.

“How about that bastard White?” Khun Vegas bring up that problem. “He said that he wanted to take you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t we catch him and probably find a bigger and clearer picture of the enemy?”

“You’re so smart!” I laugh at him then I saw his face forms a smile.

His gloomy face brightens that made me happier.

“You look better when you’re smiling, Khun Vegas.” I commented as I feel my shoulder getting light as if the burden has faded away.

I pause when I caught him staring at me for a long time. My heart, my poor heart feels like there is a race of blood and nutrients in my whole body.

“I hope you will keep smiling like that.” He said, still eyes on me. “You’re the prettiest with it.”

With the sudden compliment, I choke with my own saliva. How could you attack my weak heart like that?

“You have heard my confession a while ago, right?” He changes the topic.

When he said that he cares?

I nodded, pursing my lips.

“I care for you, Pete.” He said with sincerity in his voice as he maintains an eye contact. “And I want to be with you while you’re trying to find answers.”

Is it just me but his tones sounds like someone who had lots of regrets in his life and he is trying to make it right.

It made me speechless. As a head bodyguard, I am not use to have someone that will fight with me side by side. It is either I will take the lead or be at the back to protect them.

I grew up fixing my own problems, dealing with it without asking for any help. I have been trying to be strong all my life that being dependent is something dissimilar from what I use to be.

It feels weird that I woke up one day and someone has been giving me his attention, time and effort.

I followed Khun Vegas with my eyes, I watch him stand up and went near me. He bent a little that I tried to look up so that our eyes will meet.

I couldn’t even utter a world as I wait for him to talk.

“Will you allow me to protect and stay by your side no matter how complicated it will be in the future?”

The feeling of someone assuring me that he got my back with this troubles is enough to touch my heart. I am always strong and has learned to deal things alone but I think having someone that will neither walk in front or behind but side by side means something special.

Seeking help for Khun Vegas could be a hard decision but there is this voice inside my head that says I should trust him.

My heart also demanded me that I should believe what he told me- to accept his confessions and embrace that once in a while, someone finally came to truly see my worth.

It takes time to realize our feelings but while it is there, in front of us…I don’t think we should waste the chance.

I smiled at him, feeling relief that I have him. “Yes, you are allowed to stay with me.”

Everything will be fine.

-A 💗

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