My life really has been a learning curve. I have been through some awful times, with some awful people. I have done many stupid things, with many stupid people. Mistakes have been made, a lot of them. Looking back on those mistakes, and reading them for myself here in black and white, I have to ask myself why did I make all of those mistakes?

The only thing I can say is that my younger self was foolish, reckless, selfish and emotionally stunted. On the outside looking in, it's so easy to say that now. But when I was trapped in the middle of all that reckless behaviour, it wasn't always easy to recognise my own destructive path that I was walking along. I think the turning point for me, was having my first son. I had to grow up. I had to accept all that I'd been through. It was time to woman-up so that I could at least try to be a good mother. It was never healthy and it wasn't beneficial to keep blaming the past on damaging my future. I quickly understood that it was only I, who needed to be the one in control of my life. Only I, who needed to be the captain of my own ship. It wasn't down to me how others chose to be as people, but it was down to me whether I wanted to be in those people's lives. That alone, empowered me. Acceptance, empowered me even more. Accepting all that had happened to me and accepting that it couldn't ever be undone, helped me so much in moving forwards in my life.

Having my son, felt like a new beginning for me. I began learning about who I really was, instead of the person who had sadly been tainted by her past. Motherhood helped me to forgive myself and to begin liking myself. I think I now know my worth, and I live by that worth. It hasn't always been easy, far from it. With my first child, motherhood didn't ever come naturally to me. I thought it would, so when it didn't, that was just another thing to pull myself down with. But I couldn't wallow about how it had made me feel, because I had a son who needed me, a son who was solely reliant on me.

I might not have been perfect.

I might not have always done things right.

But he was my son and my responsibility, so for my new beginning I had to get stronger. And that's the wonderful thing I have discovered about being a mother, you do become stronger. Past hurts and past mistakes seem to slip in between the cracks of life, they fade from our hearts and our minds, because all that becomes important is that tiny human being that we have been one part of creating.

Being a parent is one of my greatest achievements. It's also been one of the easiest of hard things I have ever done in my life, because there are no definitive rules. There's no motherhood manual that comes attached to our newborn babies. Screw-ups can happen. Some things are done wrong. Yet that maternal instinct drives us forwards. It makes us stronger individuals. It makes us feel a love like no other, and it's the power of that love that makes us determined to get better and to just keep getting better.

For me, becoming a mum saved me. It forced me to mature. It forced me to stop being a bitch. It smoothed out the kinks in my damaged psyche. I could no longer be so self-absorbed. Motherhood forced me to make the right choices, and let's face it, I've not always done that. There are still the occasional of times when I'll think long and hard about my entire life so far, while I'm having one of those deeply reflective type moments. I'll think about how my life might have turned out, if I hadn't made some of the choices that I did. But you know what? I soon snap myself out of that thought process, because there's no use in thinking 'what if I had said or done that instead?'.... I just can't.

Shit has happened.

Shit has been said and done.

What is in the past, shall forever be just that.

It's about eyes being forward and to just keep on moving.

That is what I am constantly doing, I'm moving on from every wrong decision or wrong choice I have ever made. I'm also moving on from the losses and the pain that have at times numbly struck me down. It's not about forgetting them, it's just about compartmentalising them. I'll never forget my beloved Gramp, my whispering princess, my dear dad and my darling nan. Their time with me, has forever been stamped upon my heart. Missing them has become engrained in me. I'll continue to miss them and I'll continue to never forget them, but I'll do both all the while happily living my life.

Happiness for me, has been found in the simplest of things:

Acceptance.

Rick.

Our children.

Jason and his family.

My friends.

Writing.

My spirituality.

Each of them give me an amazing amount of happiness.

Acceptance: has been the most freeing thing in my forty seven years of life. It has taught me that what used to be important, isn't.

I have learned to let go of guilt, resentment, bitterness and regret. All that I have endured, lived through and experienced; has made me befriend the real me. I now know who she is, and I rather like her.

Rick: the other half of the sometimes complicated me. Fate brought us together and I know she will keep us together. Him being my husband isn't always easy, but then again, my being his wife isn't always easy either. He isn't perfect and nor am I, but loving someone is about equally loving and accepting those less than perfect sides of that person. Together, we 99% of the time happily work. We rarely argue, but we sometimes annoy the hell out of one another because we are so very different. His Asperger's isn't always easy to live with, but our love has taught me the importance of patience and understanding. His anxiety is trying. His grumpy stress-head, is exceedingly trying. But Rick will talk about his anxieties and his stress-triggers, then try his hardest to move past them. I can't help but admire him for that. He can be incredibly stubborn and rigid in his thought processes, yet he will try not to be that way, for the sake of me and our children. Again, that is admirable. Now that I am able to understand ASD, I now understand him. Not even his own mother once knew how to. When Rick was a child, there just wasn't that support there available for them both. Rick was branded a 'difficult and naughty boy'. That lack of support and understanding deeply affected their mother/son bond. In the early days of being with Rick, I have to admit, I did wonder why there was that lack of a bond between him and his mother, and it was only when there was one time when I questioned whether I would be able to spend the rest of my life with Rick as my husband, did I begin to gain a sympathy for his mum. A misunderstood Aspie, will become a troubled Aspie. Rick luckily had football to occupy his misunderstood mind a lot of the time, and it also helped him to forge firm friendships, otherwise he said he probably would have been in a lot more trouble as a kid. He also said that he and his mum were never close. However, now that we all have a better understanding of ASD, that understanding of it has brought about that wonderful thing called acceptance. I can now fully understand why Rick and his mum didn't ever have that obvious bond between them, but they themselves now understand why too. That acceptance, has now given them something from which they can both build upon. Now, any resentments have been put to one side. Now, they are working on that growing bond of theirs. Which is really lovely to see. Not only as a wife, but as a daughter in law.

Yes, being married to Rick has truly taught me so much. Not only about him, but also about me. As much as I can be a social butterfly, I have always been someone who needs their space.

I like my own space.

I'm happy being on my own.

Rick used to get insecure when I needed that time to myself, but our married life has made us talk to one another about things that we probably have never shared with anyone else. There were times when being a wife and mother would suddenly suffocate me. I felt like it was smothering the Mary Rose that I wanted to be. That's why I began writing again. It gave something back to me, that was only for me. Rick doesn't read books, he lacks a creative mind, so he has never understood my drive and my passion for writing. He never used to understand my need for isolation, so I could just get lost in my words. He simply saw it as something that stopped his wife from spending time with him. He couldn't possibly understand how my writing could give me somewhere else to go, without actually going anywhere. Just like I had given him all of my patience and understanding, he had to learn to give me the very same. Which he has, with loving abundance. He still doesn't understand why I write, but he understands that I must. He also understands that sometimes I need to go out and just be with my friends, because being a writer is so very isolating. He isn't keen on socialising. It very much depends on what it is, where it is and with whom, as to whether or not Rick will actually join me for a social engagement. If we go out, he has to feel comfortable about it. Because of our married life, I can now pretty much gauge the things that Rick will happily and comfortably be a part of. We have both become secure in who we are as individuals and as a married couple, so we are respectful about one another's needs.

If I want to go out but Rick doesn't, that's okay.

If I want to stay in by myself and write all day, that's okay.

If he wants to go and watch the football and I don't, that's also okay.

I think we have a strong marital balance now. Being together with someone for eighteen years will certainly give you the experience to know that person, and that is exactly where both myself and Rick are now at. He loves me, just like I love him. We are two very different people, who feel the same about needing to be together. Love isn't always perfect. It isn't always easy. Love needs compromise and trust. It needs to be regularly nourished with honesty and openness. It has taken us a long time to have all of that, but now that Rick and I do have that, our marriage has become a beautiful thing.

Our children: my joy, my reason for everything.

I cannot tell you how blessed I feel to have them all. Sometimes, I'll look at them and just think 'yeah, I did real good with these wonderful human beings'. I have seen the ugliest side of human nature, the cruellest and most depraved of sides. But then I look at the children that I pushed from out of me and into this sometimes scary world, and see that they have made this world better and less scary. They, are my world. I look in their precious eyes, and just know that they shall give balance to the ugliness and the cruelty that exists. Individually, they continue to impress and challenge me. While they grow, so too do I. Being their mother is constantly evolving. There are good days, bad days. Yet they are all days that shape us as a family, and our family is strong and loving.

Sure, there are the occasional fall outs.

The occasional disagreements.

But we are a tight and protective unit.

I have said before that motherhood saved me, that really is the truth. I think that if I had never carried a life inside of me, I don't think I would have ever known how to value my own. My self destruct button would have forever been switched on. I would have crawled from one mess to another. For becoming mother, it taught me how to love and to care. It made me want to show my own mum how motherhood should be done. It made me determined not to be a perpetual screw-up. I never wanted to look back on my life and know that I had made my children feel about me the way that I did about my own mum. Nope, I wasn't ever going to let that happen.

I'm not saying I know all that there is to know about motherhood. I'm definitely not saying that I am perfect. I'm just saying that becoming a mum has made me become a better me.

Yes, motherhood is tough.

Yes, it can sometimes choke you from the inside.

But unlike my mum, feeling that way never made me want to stop being a mum. I simply dusted that feeling off, and found something that would enhance the mother that I was to my children. That something was writing. I think that by allowing myself that one thing for only me, helped me to be a happier person. A happy mummy grows happy children, I truly believe that. I think my own mum was often so, so unhappy, she lost sight of how to be good at anything.

The sad thing is, that my need to still keep my mum at arms length, has meant that she's not really known by the five children that I went on to have with Rick. Not that our children have missed out because of that. They all had my nan. They still have Rick's mum, too. All is just as it should be. Our children give reason for absolutely everything. My eldest son is now a hard working young man. He still lives at home but is saving up to eventually buy his own home. He is quiet and intellectual, with strong opinions. He can come across as aloof, but is extremely sensitive beneath all of that aloofness. He loves to have high brow conversations, and when he does, I see him come alive before me. I love his straightforwardness. His strong work ethic and his strong opinions. He is very much his own person and I couldn't be more prouder of the person that he is.

My middle son is now at college studying Gaming Design and finding his teenage feet in the world. He too, is a quiet soul. He's extremely focused and studious with a quirky sense of humour. Just like his father, he isn't keen on socialising and will avoid eye contact at all costs, but he's confident when he needs to be. He isn't a loving boy, yet he will always wait up if ever I go out, because he can't sleep until he knows I am safely back home. Then there's my eldest daughter, just in the middle of her mock exams and is my carefree, laid back young lady of the house. We share a close bond. We talk and laugh lots...sillily lots. This gorgeous girl has become my right hand woman. I see us having a lot of fun in the future, a future that I'm supporting her with. She has no clue of what she wants to do when she leaves school next year, but with her bright blue eyes and her infectious smile, that girl is going to be loved wherever she goes.

Then I come to my youngest son, who will always be my baby boy. He's just the sweetest and cuddliest chap. He is exceedingly well spoken and clever, who is only really interested in computers and gadgets. Out of all my boys, he is by far the most sociable of them all. Just like his eldest brother, he is very matter of fact, but he always has this sweet dimple in his cheek and a James Bond quirk to one of his eyebrows, that just melts your heart when he's being all intellectual. He's just started at Secondary school, and his coping mechanisms with his anxiety are something that we are all so proud of. He's doing amazingly well and thoroughly enjoying school life.

Finally, I'll tell you about our twin girls. They truly are a double helping of joy. One is more level-headed, tidy and organised. While the other is all about fun, mess and mischief. So different, yet their twin bond is very special. Both are loving girls, who are never far from my side. They are nearing the end of their time in primary school and I'm excitedly watching the precious young lady's that they are so fast becoming. They are just the loveliest of little human beings to be a mumma to. On the scales of my entire life, all of my children have given balance to every mistake or bad choice I have ever made. I always thought that I would only ever be a mother to my one son, then I met Rick and would go on to have five more wonderful children. Choosing to have them, has proved to me that I can make the right choices. That I can love unconditionally.

Yes, my beautiful brood have all shown me that the world is worth being in.

Jason and his family: important to me and my family in their own right. Over the years, myself and Jason haven't always agreed on things. We are two very different people, but my brother is someone who makes me laugh like no other. Together, we have been dragged through the life that our mother chose to live, and yet, we both have safely come out the other side. His loyalty to our mother is something that I'll never fully understand, but I'll always respect it. He didn't share the bond that I had with nan and gramp, he never saw his biological father, so I think I have just a little insight as to why he has stood by our mum for all these years. At this point in our lives, I think we both respect what the other one chooses to do. We aren't kids anymore. We are married, we have our own children, we are adulting and making our own choices. I choose to still keep mum a safe distance from my life. Our mother/daughter strings won't ever be repaired. For her, I don't really feel anything. Not in a malicious way, it's just a benign nothingness that I feel. She came to Nan's funeral, which is something that I know nan wanted. I am also able to spend a brief amount of time with my mum, usually with Jason, and it will satisfy me that the brief amount of time is more than enough time spent with her. It's just how it is. It's the only way I can be with my mum. There is no emotional or spiritual bond between us. We have nothing in common whatsoever, except Jason himself.

He, Kira and his two boys are all that's now important. Myself and Kira have carved out a firm and fun friendship. Jason is quite simply Jason, the loved but sometimes silly and annoying brother, while his boys continue to grow into who they are incredibly becoming.

Bottom line is...I'll always be there for Jason and his family.

My friends: I have come to believe that people come into our lives at a time when they are needed. Some stay. Some go. At this stage in my life, I am content having those who now lovingly surround me. These special people are in my life, because they want to be in it. They are by my side, because I want them there. Having an unconventional upbringing, has made me value friendships so very much. To me, my dearest of friends are extended family. They are people I am so grateful for. Being me, hasn't always been easy. Being my friend, probably hasn't always been easy either, but those who have faithfully stayed close, I would like for them to one day read it here and know how much I love them for that. Friendship, isn't ever something that I take for granted. It isn't something I pick up and occasionally dust off to only appreciate from time to time. I am always nurturing it. Respecting it. Protecting it. All of those who are my truest and trusted of friends, should know how much they mean to me. If they don't, then that's an oversight on my part. So again, I'll write it here—I love you all, I'm blessed to have you all.