Happiness in my life, was and still is, something to be respected and treasured. When I moved into the same street as Lucy when we were young little girls, and I began attending the same local school as her; I was happy.

Happiness had began to slowly move into my young life. Corner by corner, it was moving in.

Having the constant security of my nan and my gramp, even Lucy's mum and her grandparents—it had settled me.

Knowing that my nan and gramp were only ever a phone call away or just a short drive away—put me in a good place.

For the first time, I felt like I was living. I was nine years old, and I was living. Before that, my childhood had been fragile and compromised. So I was glad to finally get the chance to be free of where we used to live. To be free of the Catholic school. To be free of Maria and Mario. To be free of the memories of Ivan and his vile hands.

In Lucy, I had a friend...a wonderful friend.

I was the numb nine year old, she was the cherished eight year old—we became soul sisters.

Lucy and her mother, they shared an incredibly strong bond. Being as my dear friend was an only child, and her mother was a single mum; the adoration between them was an unbreakable one. Her mum was firm but so lovingly fair. Encouraging and tenderly nurturing. I won't lie, there were times when I wished she could be my mother, but I was just as glad and just as happy that she was indeed Lucy's mother. For Lucy was my friend. A good friend. And she deserved a good mother.

Until Lucy, the only people that my numb, young soul had ever cared for; were my nan, gramp and my brother. So for the eight year old Lucy, to make me care for her; meant that she was special.

She made the painful memories, fade.

She made me wonder whether I could be normal.

I never told anyone, but there used to be times when I would ask myself what the world would be like if I wasn't in it.

Sometimes when I went to my nan and gramps, I would climb down to where some steep yet small caves were. I would wonder what it would feel like to fall. To fall and to die. Was being dead, better than being alive?

So sometimes, I would hold onto clumps of grass, and dangle my body down by the caves—wondering whether it was my time to die.

If the grass clumps held, it wasn't.

If the grass clumps didn't, it was.

I think my little confused mind, thought that maybe I deserved to die. I think it thought, that all of the bad things had happened because I was a bad little girl, so I didn't deserve a nice mother and a nice life.

I was lonely.

Mixed up.

Damaged....

....then Lucy became my friend.

Upon entering my life, I had learnt that sometimes we can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends.

I had no choice about who my mother was, who my father was...but I always had a choice with friends.

It became a very valuable lesson.

An highly important lesson.

Lucy opened up my childhood. In many ways, she opened up me.

I had got used to my childhood being fragile, but I hadn't got used to my happiness being fragile. But it was. It so painfully was. Because one day, my mum heard Lucy say the word damn. With that, my mum said I was no longer allowed to play with my cherished friend. "She's a vile-mouthed eight year old! She's a spoilt little madam! An only child is a selfish child!" Were the things that my mother had so angrily hurled at me.

I was devastated.

Destroyed.

Mum was taking away my friend. Taking away my happiness. Even at nine years of age, I knew that my mum was just hurling weak excuses at me. She just wanted Lucy out of my life, because she made me happy. She wanted her out, because I wasn't letting her in. I hadn't let my mum in for quite some time, and she hated it. The mother/daughter bond between us wasn't just frayed, it had completely disintegrated. She hated the bond that I had with my grandparents, but knew she couldn't do a thing about it. She knew that if she pushed my nan too far, that she would fight to permanently have me. So, mum removed the one person from my life that she knew she could.

For months, I was plunged back into an unhappiness at school again. Different place. Different reason. But the same kind of torment.

"I'll know if you've played or talked with that girl, so don't you dare try to do either!" Was what mum had threatened me with. She even went as far as contacting the head teacher, to tell him that I was never to be seated anywhere near Lucy.

So, I didn't ever try to play with her.

I didn't ever try to talk to her.

I didn't ever try to sit near to her.

It was torment not to be friends anymore. It was torment to not laugh and have fun with her. After school nights were just the worst. Those were the times when I would either play with Jason or on my own. I hated having to be there with my mum, absolutely hated it.

At least I still had my weekends with my nan and gramp, though. Not even my mum, could take those away from me.

At weekends, gramp would always start the day with a fry-up for us all. Then we would go out; to garden centres, to do a food shop, a jumble sale or a local bazaar—any of those things. On a Saturday night, we would usually have fish and chips from the Chip Van Man, who did the rounds every weekend. Then, we would watch game shows and a family film on the telly, all the while nan would be stroking my feet. It was about this time, that I started horse riding on a Sunday. Gramp funded it, he also took me there, and would wait for me until my lessons had finished. I was such a natural rider, that I quickly began going on hacks, and from there, I was asked whether I wanted to start helping out on Sundays, in exchange for a free hack. So that is what I did, I began working at the stables every Sunday. Again, gramp would drop me off and pick me back up. Working with the horses was something that my mum had no control over. It was something that I did when I was with my beloved nan and gramp. And it helped me in so many ways. It built up my confidence. Kept my mind off not being able to be friends with Lucy. It kept my little mind sane.

Mr Tully who owned the stables with his wife, was a man who I quickly began looking up to. He was tall and strong, hard-working and fearless, who rarely smiled. But with me, he was kind and less abrasive. "Mary Rose, go and stand in that manure...it might make you grow some!" Was something that he always teased me with, whenever he saw me emptying the wheelbarrow full to the top with dung. I always seemed to make him smile. Whether it was because I was able to carry four full water buckets, two either side of me across the entire yard, or whether it was because I'd be able to lift the hay and straw bales. "You might be small, but you sure are strong for such a tiny thing." Was something that he impressively used to tell me with one of his mature smiles.

I worked hard, and Mr Tully liked that.

In many ways, he reminded me of my gramp—proud and old-fashioned. Which in turn, I liked.

So as my mum took away one thing that made me happy, it became replaced with another.

Then just as quick as mum had taken away Lucy, she just as quick wanted to give her back. "You can go and call on Lucy, if you want?"

When those words had come out of my mum's mouth, I know that I just froze. "But you said I wasn't to be friends with her anymore?" I had asked, thinking that maybe it was just a cruel trick or a spiteful test.

Mum just looked at me with her dolled-up eyes, simply smiling; a rare and genuine smile. "Well, I'm now saying that you can."

Overjoyed, I ran as fast as my small feet could actually take me. I had knocked on Lucy's front door with an excited relief swooshing around in my veins, for I finally had my friend back.

I had Lucy again, and my mum had a new boyfriend again. But this boyfriend would be different. He would cause a big change in my mum. A big change in all of our lives. I had never really seen my mum be naturally happy. From the time that she would get up, to the time that she would go to bed; she pretended.

She would pretend to be happy.

Pretend to be nice.

Pretend to be fun.

But deep down, I think my mum was always unhappy. She could maybe have the briefest of moments when she felt just a little bit of true happiness, but those tiny pockets of time were often overshadowed by her ingrained anger and aggression.

But this new boyfriend, he somehow sedated that anger and aggression—he somehow made it dormant.

Because of him, I was to see a side of my mother that I'd never seen before.