after like weeks of procrastination, writer's block, and life, i FINALLY FINISHED THIS WOOOO :DD

BELATED 1k VOTE SPECIAL AHAHAHAHHAAHAAA

all special chaps like this will have a dash instead of a period. and prolly longer names, too. some will be canon, others will not. it will be mentioned if canonical or not to this fic.

this one is canonical, though!

warning for this one, deals w/ a lot of suicide ideation 'n' the first bits.

(also sorry for thst long period of not updating, i hope this chap's long enough to make up for it like st leadt a little,,,,,)

===

Perseverance is an exhausting thing. It's when you can't focus but get through regardless, because time and life wait for no man. It's when you work so hard only to find it's for naught when the project is almost done, yet you keep pushing to go off with a bang and not a whisper. It's when you go and fight and fight only for your efforts to be laughed at, but you keep going to try and be that one ripple in a lake that changes thousands of rivers and streams for the better. When you have no motivation to move, but you need to keep going to survive, to live on until everything is better and accept no less or else you will explode.

Izuku thinks that he's running out of it; perseverance. His determination was snuffed out years ago, now embers of what could've been.

There's less of a reason to get up each and every day that passes so agonizingly slow. He has no friends so he has no choice but to watch hero video after hero video, analyzing and analyzing so that his mind keeps turning and turning and forgets his cold loneliness. The pain from his injuries doesn't help when hiding from Kacchan, especially getting up and thinking, does he want to do this again? Because he constantly works for his surrounding neighbors, all who accept his requests being elders, for bits of money that all go into bandages and burn cream. He doesn't want to break the "good, self-sustaining child" facade he wears around his mom because she works so much and supports him and god, he's already too much of a burden. School takes up most of the time he has and yet Izuku learns nothing because he already knows the information, his yearning mind constantly starving for knowledge even at home, enough for him to keep studying (but that's a lie, isn't it? He just doesn't want to think about the wrappings that cover his skin and the burn salve just underneath.) He needs to go to school to get a job -- a real one -- anyhow, yet he doubts with his quirklessness he'll ever get one.

Even his hope for heroes is wavering -- because why is there no hero saving him? Why does Izuku have to be his own hero? Why does he have to pull his own bandages, to cover his arms in burn salve, to calm himself down from every panic attack he gets? He's told the teachers, he's told other adults. He's told everyone he could like those stupid presentations on bullying and the heroes on the forums and news said, and look where that got him! Nowhere!

(This is almost torture, blood dripping in steady rivulets from his mind. Izuku is surrounded by people, people he watches interact with one another, giving gifts and hugs and playful noogies and compliments and kindness and love, love, love, yet his heart aches because he's so alone. He knows his mother tries her best and it's hard but he's been sucking this up for eleven years and he's so tired.)

(...He almost thinks that he's just spewing excuses, sometimes. Izuku's had more privileges than other quirkless people, after all. At least some education, a mother, a residence to call home — he shouldn't be so greedy.)

(God, he's so tired.)

...Is it worth it?

No. No, no, no. It is, it is worth it, he just. Has to wait.

For something; for someone. To help him.

Izuku has to hope. Izuku has to persevere. If not, he will break at the seams and fall apart.

===

"If you think you'll have a quirk in your next life, go take a swan dive off the roof!"

Izuku stares at his ex-best friend's retreating form, envisions the layers and layers of starburst scars that litter his own, scrawny form underneath his uniform and mutters, "Maybe I will."

(He almost misses the near-frantic whip of Kacchan's head just by the doorframe, busing himself with his backpack with dull, dull eyes. Izuku's probably going delusional anyway.)

===

(Izuku does not, in the end, jump off. He's too much of a coward to do so, instead walking back home with a charred notebook in his grasp after a moment of consideration, and isn't that just so selfish, so pathetic of him?)

(...A piece of himself stays in that moment and doesn't return.)

(He trudges on.)

===

Izuku flips through the pages of notebook thirteen, lightly tugging on its burnt edges and watching the ash break off in its wake. He softly exhales, closing the book with a snap that speaks finality. He swings his backpack over his shoulder in front of him to gently put it away.

The green haired teen's fingers graze the sleeves of his uniform over and over once he shifts his backpack back. Traces the scars of ignition after ignition, curves that end with sharp apex's and burn, and he closes his eyes to savor the phantom feeling.

I am okay, Izuku thinks, weaving through the city with ease. I am okay, he thinks, glancing at hero fights and so forlornly and gazing at his backpack. I am okay, he thinks, watching the clouds drift by as he steps into a tunnel.

He is okay.

(If he isn't — and only if, because Izuku is okay — everything will crumble.)

===

Izuku thinks, watching a shadow loom over him, hearing and practically feeling the sickening pulling and shifting and squishing of something akin to sludge, that he wants to run. Wants to sprint off like he always has, from whatever this is — not Kacchan nor his lackeys, as no one has a slime-related quirk in Aldera.

A villain. This is a villain.

(...The realization isn't as chilling as he thought.)

He does not act on his fears and instincts, in the end. Because between one moment and the next, Izuku is choking.

It doesn't feel as different as Kacchan's chokeholds, or the suffocating tension at after-school hours. Doesn't feel different compared to the bandages that are a smoldering presence underneath his school uniform collar. But the sludge stuffed down his throat, tearing through him and filling his lungs, tears springing to his eyes, killing him —

(And, well, thoughts can be as fast as a twentieth of a second — well enough time for Izuku to think about it. Ponder his dilemma, his situation, rolling and stretching it until he comes to one single conclusion:

He does not mind dying.

He can't do it by his own hands because he is a coward. But if he were to die by someone else's, then he wouldn't care as much as he should. Because in this world, Izuku is a blip of gray in a miasma of colors. He is an outdated set of newspapers, printed in black-and-white with people in bygone clothing utilizing old technology compared to all the others. He is a piece of a useless past, lined with rigged edges and irregular shapes in the glorious, "perfect" puzzle that is society. He is the rough stones and pebbles beneath one's feet, made to lift the superior ones higher.

No one besides his mom would care if he's gone.

That, and Izuku is tired. He's had to survive since eleven years ago — let him live, please.)

Izuku forces himself to relax. Keep calm. His body goes slack bit by bit, either from the sludge that suffocates him or by his own will. Nevertheless, the villain smiles in delight. It says something, but Izuku is drowning and he can't hear it. He takes a glimpse at his sketch of a hero costume never meant to be, and wants to break.

And then, All Might is here.

===

Izuku is motionless on a rooftop as his idol — now a dying man who shoulders too much expectations on his shoulders — shatters his dreams and leaves.

He doesn't comprehend much, his mind foggy.

He leaves the rooftop after looking down at the cars and leaning over the edge. His shoes and backpack are set neatly on the side.

Izuku's shoes squeak as he goes down the stairwell.

There is a distant thought of going to see a hero fight.

Izuku smells smoke, something so familiar that he almost doesn't smell it. He looks up, and his body runs before his mind does.

===

There's a vigilante literally beating the sludge villain single-handedly as actual pro heroes stand on the side and Izuku can't help but stare in pure awe. His dirty, scratched hands that grip his bully's arm falter on a tug, chipped nails sending a jab of pain as he stares at that masked vigilante.

The vigilante — Dusk, a recent one in the city — wields his baton and himself like he has a sword, Izuku notes. Hesitating moves that would've led to a piercing blade driving itself in the sludge, slight faults in his stance due to weight imbalance — there's a few small indicators he picks up only because Izuku spends his day-to-day life observing. And that he's studied heroes and villains who use swords before, of course. But it's still a peculiar factor.

Yet this doesn't take away how Dusk practically dances on the battlefield. Yes, his movements are feral, but the vigilante weaves himself through the debris and fire like a dancer pivots on-stage, always targeting the villain's eyes without falter. His style is both a mix of barbaric and smooth — a dangerous mix because it's unpredictable. One moment Dusk could swing with grace, the next he's crouched on almost all fours and using his body and baton in tandem.

But some heroes do that. Some heroes fight just like Dusk. The more animalistic ones are swift yet wild with their attacks, and others fight with elegance and strategy. So what makes the vigilante different?

Izuku wrenches Kacchan's arms further out once, twice, and everything clicks.

Dusk isn't using a quirk. There is no indication of that.

If he had super strength, he wouldn't use a baton. If Dusk had agility, then the villain would be down already because he'd be faster than it and would've taken its eyes. If the vigilante had any sort of solidification, then he wouldn't be deflecting debris with a baton. If he had a manipulation quirk, why isn't he using it? And yes, maybe he has a quirk, but it may be so minuscule that it's useless.

So Dusk fights quirkless.

Dusk fights quirkless.

Izuku feels like he's gained strength as he pulls, pulls, pulls, so much so that he doesn't even need the extra support Dusk gives behind him.

===

When Izuku can finally leave the area of the Sludge Incident, Dusk isn't there. Of course, as a vigilante he had to leave in order to not get arrested, but man. He wanted an autograph.

(...Is vigilantism illegal if no quirk is used?

That single question takes his mind down a thorough yet wavering trail of what-ifs and possibilities and theories, of chances and rising confidence and --

-- and no. No. Maybe in some other universe Izuku takes this chance in his hands and makes it his, but this isn't the one. He sets this germinating seed down and shoves it deep, deep down [but does not lock it like the rest.])

Regardless, Izuku walks with a pep in his step, even when Kacchan confronts him and, right after, All Might asks for forgiveness and reveals One for All.

===

When Izuku sees a younger blond on Takoda, his mind does a double take. When did someone live here? Why did someone live here? Did he not have an apartment or home?

The other teen wears a white t-shirt with red sleeves, along with long denim pants. There's bandages that line his revealed arms, making the only skin visible on his hands and face. Really, even his face is covered, a deep blue eye-patch with gold accents and embroidery on his right. The eye visible is a sapphire blue. It's like Dusk's, in a way -- though, that's probably a stretch of a theory.

Regardless, with the ropes looped around Izuku's shoulders and how he's pulling the number one hero on a fridge, this... Was definitely not a good time to start training. At all. Yeah, not a good first-impression. Izuku can feel his face burn as he explains to the blond why he and All Might were here.

When All Might confirms that yes, he is training Izuku, the other blond... doesn't react how others normally would. He doesn't say anything about being lucky, nor does he congratulate Izuku, nor does he bombard them with questions. There's a sort of darkness that overshadows his sapphire eyes, his pupils shrinking as he stares at the number one hero. Normally, people would be excited in said hero's presence, but now that Izuku looks closer, this person... He isn't excited. Or happy. Really, he's tense, sort of... eyeing All Might down? His hand is twitching for something, and his expression is dull, and his lips are pursed.

No, he doesn't look joyful at all.

...Or, maybe, Izuku is being too analytical like usual.

Regardless, the younger blond keeps glancing between All Might and him, so the green haired teen stays as still as possible, trying not to fiddle around. Of course, he fails spectacularly, but at least he tried.

Finally, after heavily tense beats that felt like eternity, the younger blond runs a hand through his hair and inhales, exhaling a few moments after. "What will you do," he practically spits, and Izuku blinks, surprised at the venom in his tone. All Might balks.

"...Aren't you supposed to ask why I'm — "

"What will you do."

"Well," All Might pauses. The stranger gets into a stance, and wow, okay, there is definitely something underlying that little movement. The older blond reluctantly states, "I was planning to have Young Midoriya here follow a training regimen — my Aim to Pass: American Dream Plan. As he follows it, he'll also clean up all the trash on this shore. It should be enough for him to be prepared for U.A.'s exams in ten months."

The stranger doesn't back down until he seems to come to a decision. When he does, his shoulders relax not by a lot, and his hand twitches less. Then, he sighs. "You can stay here," he says, which is pretty surprising. "Do training an' shit, I don't really care. I'm Tommy."

Alright, a name! It's something from another country, but luckily, it isn't hard to pronounce! Great!

Izuku beams, "R-Really? Thank you so much!" Wait, wait, he should've introduced himself what is he doing — "Oh, right! Even though A-All Might already said it, my n-name is Midoriya — Midoriya I-Izuku!"

The blond — Tommy. Tommy nods, pointing somewhere ahead. "Go over there on that side," he instructs, turning, "This side's mine."

"Thank you, Young Tommy," All Might exclaims as he hops off the fridge, "Come on, Young Midoriya!"

Izuku studies Tommy just a bit longer. He still doesn't look relaxed — if the protege had to compare Tommy, he'd be like a mouse trap, waiting to snap.

He snaps out of it. "R-Right!"

He'll worry about Tommy later.

===

Or maybe, right now.

Every time the younger blond — Tommy, he has to get used to that — suddenly hisses, Izuku startles and drops whatever he's holding. Said blond has sort of taken a post on a nearby appliance, waiting for something. Probably. What he's waiting for, Izuku almost has no idea. If he had to guess, it's when All Might does something Tommy doesn't like.

Specifically when the hero is even near Izuku. He literally leans forward and snarls, forcing All Might to back away.

It's just, the blond is so quiet most of the time. So much so, that when Izuku notices him in his peripherals, he kind of just realizes Tommy's there all over again. And when he just suddenly snarls like a warning and says to back off? It scares not only All Might, but Izuku, too.

...Has Tommy just internally promised to be Izuku's shield from All Might? Oh, wow, does that imply a lot. Who hurt him? Why did heroes hurt him? Or does All Might look like someone who hurt Tommy?

There's so much packed in these little movements, it scares him.

===

When he finally gains the courage to ask why the younger blond does that and Tommy responds with "I'm making sure he doesn't do shit to you," Izuku wants to scream.

===

Tommy isn't surprised when All Might accidentally switches to his true form. It both surprises Izuku, and doesn't. Now that he thinks about it, Tommy's a paradox he'll probably never understand completely. Like a Rubik's cube mixed a thousand times over by different people.

Nevertheless, Izuku still stammers out, "Y-You. You aren't gonna question it?"

"I thought something was a bit wriggly with that," Tommy responds as if it's obvious, and wow. Most people don't even notice. "Just didn't wanna ask. Privacy, sore spots, insecurities — that shit."

When he then goes on to provide a reasonable explanation, Izuku just gapes. It's not the truth — no, not even close — but it's. It's something. How did he deduce that when All Might's so good at hiding his injury the media doesn't notice? Like yes, Izuku had noticed a little limp there, or maybe a few times wherein the hero has favored his left side, but it's still... Amazing. For someone to notice in just a month or so when it took Izuku years.

Tommy looks at the two of them. "I won't tell," he declares with such certainty and honesty that Izuku believes him. He suggests new sectors to train in, and that's that. Yet when there's no media uproar or breaking news or top headlines and millions of new articles spreading the word, All Might looks at Tommy with a bit more trust, enough to say his true name, and Tommy grumbles and keeps it locked under a key in his mind.

They've chosen the right person to trust, regardless if it was a reluctant decision.

===

All Might declares that Tommy will train him on how to use a baton. "For when you aren't able to use your quirk, but only your physical prowess," he says, and Izuku feels like there's millions of bees buzzing under his skin as he looks to Tommy with reverence and enthusiasm, as well as a smile that stretches from ear to ear. Tommy laughs, an oddly somber one as he twirls a metal staff in his hand. There's something that flashes in his eye that quickly disperses (perhaps it's nostalgia?)

No, nevermind. Izuku just wants to swing a baton.

===

He gets to swing a baton as promised and he feels so cool. The coolest he's felt in literal years. No, no, it's poggers! (That was how he used that word, right?)

...Though, it comes with a price. That price being to climb a mountain of trash and learn on the job.

Tommy had said this was for familiarity as he'd swung up to the top with his hands, feet, spatial awareness, and staff. Izuku could only gape as he moved up with so much expertise it seemed as if the teen had dome it for years. He climbs just like how he fights: a mix of feral and graceful that's surprisingly effective. One moment Tommy's at the bottom, and then Izuku blinks and the blond's atop the junk, looking to the skies and screaming "fuck you, trauma!"

Not touching that yet.