"my sister."

,

"Tell me want you want."

"...I want to have everything."

-Pete Phongsakorn, and Phueng Phongsakorn.

[𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧]

-

Tell me about

"I can't."

"Why?"

"There isn't much to say about her."

"Why?"

"Because, Phueng didn't have a story."

"But, why?"

"Well, Phueng ended it before it could even begin."

-

Phueng, there wasn't much to say about her. There never really was. As a young child, I don't even remember seeing her. Never at home, never at school, never at another family's hut, never anywhere. It often made me wonder, where was Phueng? Was she a phantom of our imagination, did she even exist? No one ever knew, not even my mother. Not even me. And, after awhile no one ever seemed to cared, not even me. I would sometimes see her shadow straying down the fields at night chasing fireflies, other times I would see her sleep underneath my mom just for the night. I meditated often, was it my guilt playing with my guilty consciousness? And, when I would see her, actually see her, she always smiling. Bright like the sun, bright like the color yellow. Pretending that nothing happened, false. She had a story of her own, that no one knew of. I always wanted to runaway with her, know of her dreamworld that she often disappeared to. But, she wouldn't let me in, no matter how hard I knocked.

There was a day when she did come home, it was very late in autumn, and all the trees were falling to monsoon. The air was dead in a depressing blue hue, and the air stung of fresh fish, lingering everywhere. The sandy roads were empty, and mudded. But, for the animals they never left, they stained the village of their smells, and foot prints. My hut had a certain wind that would ring throughout every night, and day. Mainly because no one was at home, emptied. All men at the time lived on sea, day and night, providing for their families the riches of stolen fish. I too was one of all the men that lived on sea, I had to provide for myself, because no one else could. I had no family, no ma, no pa, no brother, but I had a sister. A sister that was nowhere to be found. So I only had myself, and the sea.

There, out on the sea was the first time I smoked a pipe. It made me feel like a man, a hustler. Every fish I would pull out from that aquamarine, a smoke would leave thy mouth, in a puff. The men I used to work alongside with would often say, "Ol' girl you mighty strong, aren't ya?" I wasn't a girl, but I was mighty strong. I often hated all the men I had to work with, their stench was too overpowering for my nose, and their rotten auras enhanced that.

Although I hated them, they did love me dearly. They took care of me, gave me advice, taught me lessons about life. I was their child that they pretended they had. I remember the days we would sing songs all night long, all night long together on the sea. We were one big happy family, whether I liked it or not. I liked it a lot. I just wish we didn't have to find each other that way, I wish we could of found each other in better places. Places where our traumas didn't overload one another. But, I didn't mind much, because that is where I found my Porsche, buried, hidden underneath all that trauma.

Every Saturday, we would go into town, and enjoy the nightlife. Drinking, smoking, dancing, being intimate underneath the black cat's moon. Spreading our stench like wings everywhere. The first time I ever entered a brothel was at the ripe of five, on a good Saturday. A good Saturday that happened to change my life, forever.

On this day, they told me just to sit by, and watch. "Enjoy it." But, my mind, and pineal was elsewhere. For I have caught a glimpse between that beaded door with one eye. Oh, what appeared to me, as beautiful gowned costumes, excellent proportionate expressions, slight glided notes. I was in love. I ran through that beaded door, down those brothel stairs holding Porsche's hand, and leaving my men to their women, to enjoy it. And, fell to the floor like a sinner, in front of the glimpse that enchanted me, with Porsche right by my side.

"What is going on!?" I asked, one of the nearby women earnestly, sitting on my knees impatiently.

"Oh, it's a play." Her smile was deeply rooted in beauty.

"A play?" I never heard of a play, but if this was 'play' it was certainly the most beautiful thing the world had.

"Yes, it's where they dress up, and tell stories."

"Wow." I wanted to be like them, to dress, and tell stories too. I always thought my life was boring, if I could do this thing, as in "plays". I would have a story of my own too.

The lady watched me in astonishment. "....little girl? But, aren't you too young to be here?" She laughed, holding her mouth. "And, you too little boy." She looked at Porsche.

"No. We're hustler, a hustler is meant to be everywhere." I sat down from my knees, crisscrossed ignoring her, clasping Porsche's hand, and sewing them into mines.

She didn't say a word after that.

I paid attention to every detail that the play could provide, I was mesmerized. I often caught myself jumping up in excitement, hitting Porsche on the leg, or even cussing out one of the actors if they upset me. It was so fun.

It was a play, a Thai play. A play about a women that fell in love with a king, that didn't love her back.

Which ended in a tragic death.

Leaving the brothel that night with Porsche in my arms, and our drunk men following behind. I had a whole vision planned out about our new life. I told Porsche about this vision, I told him how great it was. He didn't once refuse it, all he said was, "whatever you do, I'll do it too." Like that, the same night we were off to our new founded dream.

"Porsche, I'm telling you we're meant for this! We are meant to be actors, I mean did you see them? How happy they were? They have a story, we can have one too." Porsche leans his forehead into mines. "Okay, Pete, okay."

That night after our forehead disclosed one another we ran, and ran away, from our men into the dark abyss of the new world. The town lights lazes down on us. And, right in the middle of that dark light was Phueng. "Pete?"

"So you found Phueng that night?"

"No. Phueng found us."

"And?"

"She helped us escape to our dream,

that night."

"And, that's why I love her so so much."

"Did you ever see her again?"

"No. She just kissed my forehead, and told me to dream on."

"That was the last I heard of her, and I watched her disappear into the abyss she found us in, with that red mole on her tan hand."

-

"This is Phueng, my new concubine." Vegas held on to the hand of Phueng, leading her from out the door to the now 'red room'. Not only was Phueng Vegas's new concubine, but Phueng was also my blood, my sister. My flesh.

"No.No.No..."I repeated insanely underneath my breath constantly, I felt like I was being choked to death. Fear overcame my mask.

"Isn't she beauty itself?" Vegas sneered his neck into my view, eyeing me ritualistically. Vegas was condemning me to hell with just his eyes. And, he knew that I was burning, just like how he meant for me to. My legs went weak, my sweltering heart followed shortly after.

"Vegas!" I screamed, hitting another solid crack into the glass ceiling. Everyone's eyes were on me, including Phueng's. I was boiling with heat, and adrenaline.

"Wow. Would ya look at the little tiger. Getting all torn up." He was a great enthusiast of words, so great sometimes I wouldn't understand he. But, this time I understood fairly well that he wanted a fight, and I was willing.

"Vegas!" Didn't my eyes tell him enough? Didn't my scream of hell tell him enough? Didn't that crack in the ceiling tell him great enough, like the great words that brushed off his tongue? I guess it did not.

"Yes. What do you want? I'm only asking not that I care. But, it seems that name has candied in your mouth." He was testing my limits, he was trying to break me! Okay, I'll tell you what I want, what I really want. I want you to die!

With no thoughts whatsoever, no plan whatsoever, I began darting towards Vegas Theerapanykul, somewhat flying. "Oh, oh, oh! Here comes the little tiger! Come to FATHER!"

I was going to kill him. I was going to turn his body, and soul into the dust it was made for. How dare he undermine me? How dare he humiliate me? This was Vegas, my first love, my first kiss, my first everything. And, he dare ruin me? He dares to RUIN ME?! Forcing me into sodomy was one thing, hitting, and abusing me in front of people was another, but making my sister a concubine, was HELL ITSELF! I DEFY YOU LIKE THE STARS VEGAS THEERAPANYKUL!

"I defy you like the stars Vegas!!!"

"Well I defy you too! PETE PHONGSAKORN!" He said standing with open arms, with a set of red eyes.

We defied each other,

like the stars we were.

Black.

Black was all I saw in this infinity. Maybe red? Maybe yellow? No, it was still all black. No colors in play, just emptiness black. But, I could still feel so much. I felt like I was floating in unstoppable space, through in the atmosphere, and throughout the atmosphere. I was electrocuted in small puzzles, everything just seemed to fall out of me in simple patterns. I felt majestic, I finally earned a sweet moment of quietness, all to myself. Something I lost two months ago. I hate that get so stuck in my brain, and think about all the trauma, all the time. I'm sorry. It truly is exhausting, but I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. How hard I try means nothing to my brain, it gives me no sympathy. So I don't try at all, anymore. I just let life take the toll, and when life tires out also, I let my brain do it instead. Hm, I feel so warm, distant-

"Pete." A voice spoke to me, a very familiar angelic voice spoke to me. I needed more.

"Pete." Yes, yes there you are my savior. Was it Macau? Maybe Porsche? Maybe my mother? Maybe...never mind we don't say his name.

"Wake up." That was the sound of Thai, another great angel.

I was awaken...

I was awaken sadly...to the scene of Vegas thrusting into my sister repeatedly. Monsoon moans escaping into the thick air, like smoke and rain. They were having sex. Having sex right in front of my eyes, two naked bodies that I knew of so well, committed to one another in bondage. I vomited, I vomited right there.

I was terribly sicken. He was having intercourse with my flesh, my sister, as I was passed out, cold. Who knows for how long? How long they were having sex, how long Thai had to watch, but most importantly how long they've been so intimate. I didn't want to have to think if I woke, but with Vegas, you're mind is always thinking even dead. I tried looking at Phueng to comfort her, tell her it was okay, but she paid me no attention as her expression was in exile. She flipped her hair in my direction, that was her eye. She enjoyed it, she loved it.

"...How long has Vegas been seeing her?" I asked Thai, keeping my eyes glued on the two bodies, making love.

"For a long time." Thai touched my hands.

I didn't say anything after that, I just felt a tear waste down my face. I still loved her, and I still loved him. I think that's what hurt more. This was my karma. I watched them make the love, that I always wanted with Vegas in bed. He caressed her, kissed her, held her, loved her. But, with me he just fucked me. I felt another tear waste down my face. My heart was troublesome. I heard their hearts dancing. god. She was my sister, and he was lover. god. god. Why? I- I can't breath, it hurts.

Vegas turned his eyes towards me, with every thrust, and every single kiss, he smiled. "Wow, would you look at it, the tiger...it's up."

"Pete, she tastes lovely." He smirked with those sharp teeth. I had no words, because I had no consciousness, I had become completely numb to everything. Even my pondering heart. It hurts so. I was biting down thorns that sat in my mouth, trying earnestly to bite each one away, but they hurt even more.

"Thai." Vegas spoke.

"Yes, sir." I finally looked at Thai's face, I noticed that his eyes were both bruised horrifically, and that he was now naked, I gasped. He could hardly open them, they were swollen to a pulp, so was his body. So, not only was Vegas occupied making love with my sister, but also beating Thai? I had no space in my heart to anger towards Vegas, there was only space left to anger at myself. This was all my fault, everything. Everything that everything was, was my fault. I tried so hard to make a story, that I just ended up ending many. Many that weren't even my own. Who am I!?

" I want you to take Pete's hands, and go fuck that leopard, like the little humanitarian boys you are..."

"oh, and I love the tattoos." He knew.

With no hesitation whatsoever Thai took my hands into his, rose me from that floor. And, brought me up to the king, the black leopard sitting on his throne. I looked at Thai with teary eyes, as he looked into mines with the same expression. Almost like we were committing suicide, the beautiful one. He laughed, wiping my tears away. "It's okay don't cry, we are red yellow sad boys, remember?" He didn't have to say anything after that, I understood completely, because I kissed him. That was our fate, that was what he meant.

I won't say what happened that night for it would kill you, and it would kill me all over again. But, to say the least me and, Thai were kissed by many white butterflies in that moonlight, especially Thai.

Thai died that night.

Vegas had forced me to stick a snake up his anal to "arouse him", and when I did, it bit him. The venom killing him instantly, he was cold.

Thai died.

He died with a smile plastered

onto his face.

With that gap tooth shining into the moon.

He died looking up at me, his first love as I tried to fuck him with a snake. god. I could still hear the constant voices reminding me, "it's hurts". They never stopped until his hands grasped onto mines tightly, and he stopped breathing. I killed him, and so did everyone else in that room.

I had watched as a black butterfly flew into the room landing on top of his nose, that night. I never screamed so hard in my entire life. He was supposed to be the greatest fashion designer in Thailand. He was supposed to live. He was supposed to be my lover, forever.

"I am going to be the best fashion designer in Thailand."

"Yes, you will."

"And, you're going to be the best actor in the whole world, I'll be watching you. I promise."

"Why not just Thailand?"

"Because you deserve the whole world, not just Thailand."

-

And, the day after on Vegas's birthday. Me, Phueng, and Vegas had died too. I had found out that Thai was my brother as Vegas raped me, which resulted in my death, I killed myself. Then, Vegas killed Phueng for killing me, she was pregnant, and was soon to be crowned queen.

Vegas committed suicide on my mothers death bed, while staring at the door he met me at as a child. Eating away at a banana, he told Macau to poison it.

Macau? Macau is somewhere free, like he always wanted to be. Maybe at the sea?

Macau burned down that palace to the floor, and that was the end.

So, who's telling this story? It isn't me, nor Vegas, but our guardian angel

Bye, until next time.

Happy Xmas(war is over): by John Lennon

starts to play slowly in the background.

written by: @burgerisaking