Dear diary,

you know that motivation and optimistic me is gone it feels like I'm just going without any destination . It's not like my life is bad but it's that I don't deserve it. I deserve so much pain but I'm scared of it. I just want myself to get pain but it hurts I don't want to get pain. Im trapped in my negativity I don't know what is going on . I feel sad I feel like I'll cry but when I try to I find that I'm unable to cry. There nothing in me. I hate myself . I just hate myself. Sometimes I hate my voice sometimes body sometimes soul.

I'm scared that what if I'll get familiar to self harm pain will it not hurt anymore then what will i do . Will I not cut or scratch myself anymore what will I do then. It feels like I'm addicted to it. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to this sadness but............. This sadness hurts....... So much.....

Even sometimes I feel like I'm just overreacting or I'm just acting to be sad but if I'm acting then why can't I come out now why am I still drowning in it. A part of me crave for it other part feels I deserve it. I just want to escape.

I want to go away from myself.

I feel like I'm total psycho it feels like I'm getting tortured but you know I'm the one who is torturing me . Sometimes I feel so uneasiness that it feels hard to do anything.

I feel like there is no future for me. My mind always say,

"Why are you here

Just go away

Nobody wants to be with u

Everyone secretly hates you

Look How disgusting you are

Just run run go away don't stay here

They don't want to be with u

You are so Boring

Just give up

You're a burden on your parents

Worst daughter

Now you regret?

You are the worst person in this world

I hate you

Just disappear

I don't want to even see you

Everyone is judging you

Someone is watching you

You are disgusting

Your existence is irritating me

Just go away

Nobody cares

They are just doing their responsibility

I wish you were never existed

Fat

Ugly

Stupid

Dumb

Useless

Failure

Worthless

You're a trash

It doesn't matter if you're here or not

You just hurt others

I hate you

Just end it

What do you think your are

Shut up

Nonsense

Don't do it everyone will laugh at you

They also think you are useless

Don't tell anybody what is going inside your mind they will think you're insane

They will leave you.

Everyone will leave you

You will be left alone here.

You are insane

Stop this overacting

Why don't you just disappear

You deserve to get hurt

Cut yourself....

(They is for my parents here and for this society)

I just give one reaction and that is

STOP IT please

Am I really that useless?

Is it normal to feel what I feel

Am I fine?

Am I mentally ok?

Will everyone leave me?

Who will answer me all this