Matthew

That night I felt weak, I felt like I couldn't dare look him in the eyes. I couldn't lift my emotionally destitute gaze from the ground to offer a smothered piece of conversation.

Whether it was fear, unanswered enquires or something to this day I am unaware of. I know that night was a task, more so than the homework we barely touched.

So in a fruitless attempt at normality, I asked him if I should come over the next night. Him agreeing with a nod : lips clenched, eyebrows furrowed, his eyes (though looking elsewhere) still managing to burn every morsel of pride I had contrived in 16 years.

He saw right through me, without ever having to see me.

I hated that.

By the time school came around I could feel the slight tension between the two of us. It was just enough to distract me but not enough to stop Faith from dancing around with her earphones in. Smiling from ear to ear as she so often did.

"I'm one of those witches, babe. I'm one of witches babe." She sang under her breath, just loud enough for the two of us to hear it and go

"What ?" Her head instantly shot up, most likely because she thought we were teacher. An irritated sigh coming out of her dark lips, "the song."

"Anyways, since the both of you decided that I should be the one excluded I'm doing the homework with Mal," she started with the steam from her ears warming up the stuffy hallway.

" Remind me to beat the both of you to a pulp. However not before I stuff Malachi's dick into a blender then force him to drink it whilst slowly bleeding to death." If you couldn't tell by now she's a bit weird but we love her for it.

"Sure," he said with his eyes slightly widened and lip bitten. I doubt it was fear rather disgust at the image he had made in his mind, however Faye let a smile telling him it's just a joke.

"I'll see you two later," he waved at us as he turned to go elsewhere. I remember turning around at the feeling of his gaze upon me, the plethora of questions he managed to fathom in the odd twinkle in his hazel green eyes.

How he held it for a moment too long or rather, it felt lengthy due to the emotions surrounding it. How he swivelled on his ankles like he had done so many time prior.

"So class turn to page 143 in your textbooks."

The day passed rather fast, so did almost every day of high school. So I did as I was told, I waited at his car until he came with a smile plastered on his face. The smile that apparently fed my face roses and tomatoes.

Leaning my head against the car door, I let the music flow through my soul as I stared at the oh so familiar path. The path in which I had subconsciously memorised in the years of running, walking and driving past that same grocery store ; that same abandoned Victorian styled house ; that same park in which I had made memories in.

I heard the car come to a halt, and took it as my cue to leave. As I attempted twice at opening the door I heard the voice laced with confusion and anger say, " No ones home."

As if I had known the events that would occur that same night, I gulped. Before stepping aside to let the older boy open the door.

Sometimes I wonder, would life have been better if I were ill that day or, I had allowed Faye to partner with him. And if so, would I have become who I am today.

I guess I'll never know.

"So do you want me to play some music ?" his face was looking directly into my eyes managing to strike a slight chill into my spine.

"Yeah sure"

He played a Mac DeMarco song, one in which I should've begged to not listen to. As he sat back down his arm grazed my shoulder, sending an awkward sensation. Almost like a burn.

"So where were we up to ?" his head tilted as it rested upon his hand, allowing his blond locks to fall. I felt like I couldn't think properly, like the words were everywhere but where I needed them to be.

His eyes flickered to my lips, it was so brief yet it managed to make me bashful. So in an effort to change his glance from my tinting ears I spouted out,

"You've got something on your cheek." I wanted to recount that stupid statement, I wanted to slap my brain until it worked sufficiently.

"Really where," he began wiping the sides of his rosy lips. The ones that seemed so soft, so seductive. The ones I felt the urge to feel. To taste.

"There," I said wiping just above his Cupid's arrow. His gaze never once leaving my eyes, not even as he grasped onto my wrist when I was pulling away. Or when his body came closer to mine.

I wanted to pull away, but I needed to feel him. So as his lips laid a mere inch from mine, letting out soft gasps asking for my consent, I closed my eyes. Feeling the entirety of his questions, his emotions, his fear, against my slightly chapped lips.

That night I allowed him to see a small part of me in which I hid for so much time. Time enough for me to somewhat forget it had existed, forget until then.

So as he came for a short breath, I softly pulled him by the back of his head for a second time. Want and thirst filling me, filling me until I was inundate.

Looking back, it most likely lasted no more than 10, 20 seconds max. In the moment it felt like an eternity, but the good type. The one in which euphoria and boisterous warmth filled ones soul.

However, like all good things it came to an abrupt end. We came back to the reality of our "situation", it was me and James the two childhood besties kissing in his room when his parents and younger sister where out.

We were kissing.

We were two guys kissing.

We were two guys from Christian homes kissing.

So as the horrid reality of this hit us like a ton of bricks we faced the decision. The decision in which could make or break the remnants of friendship we had, and that night I chose the wrong one.

"I- I umm, I need to go," I didn't dare look him in his pleading eyes. Even then I knew that I would fall victim to his pleading gaze and sit right back down.

So I just packed my backpack, with trembling hands and sweat trickling down my back.

"But I," he hesitated as though there was something he needed to release into the newfound air, yet he didn't have the gut to do so " do you want a ride."

"I-I-I umm I'm fine. I'll just walk," though the sun was being replaced by its not so bright counterpart, only a fool would go home with him. I may have been one but some sense remained in that bag of thoughts and hormones.

As I was practically sprinting out of his house, feeling the four walls closing in on me rapidly. Feeling my throat dry and my vision blur, I felt his warm hand upon mine. Holding me back.

"Matthew," his voice was more of a cry. A cry of pain and heartache as he knew things would never be the same between the two of us. A cry of fear, as I could've outed him to his parents. A cry of desire, a desire to feel the warmth of me against him. Albeit a moment.

Just a moment, longer.

Despite my heart, my body screaming out for him, my brain stuck in a confused and fearful state knew better. So I didn't turn around.

"Bye," my tone harsh as I ripped away his hand as though it were a parasite.

"Goodbye Matthew"