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You know that thing life does where instead of giving you shit one at a time, it throws all the shit to the fan and has you do with that what you will... that thing? That's what makes people kill themselves.

That's what has me on Vivid's bed with my forehead on my knees and my arms around my head to keep my brain from exploding all over the guy's room.

I don't even know how I ended up in this position, Vivid started talking and I started feeling my head get heavier and heavier.

He is still yapping on and I just want the ground to swallow me whole. I just want to disappear for a while just until I start feeling like I am present in my own body.

Right now I feel like I'm just floating around blindly in here, I'm not in control of anything and there's nothing I can do about it.

Man, I went to great lengths to avoid this exact situation I'm in. I studied so hard and worked my ass off through high school and graduated college summa cum laude. I didn't party, didn't date, Vivid was the only guy I hung out with because I didn't want to end up like this.

I turned down men who could've helped my family and made life easier for me. I turned down established men, rich men, men with proper intentions because I was scared of being someone's broke baby mama, still stuck in the slums.

I swear I tried to do everything right, I tried to do everything by the book... I don't know anymore.

"Are you listening Imani?" Vivid asks from somewhere in his room..

I nod but I don't lift my head up because I'm scared of the burning in my eyes-- that's two days now that my eyes have come close to brimming with tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't call. I got mugged in Maftown but I need you to know though that this is not my plan and I don't agree with any of it," His voice is more of a fading echo now.

I took the taxi to his section and got off by him as promised and sneaked into the backroom where he sleeps.

I know which windows to avoid, which door is loud and who chills where. I can't count the many nights I spent in here when Mam'Ntombi was at work or later when she thought that I was. at work.

I didn't feel safe spending the night alone at home with Sphe who was just a kid so we would sneak in here.

It's still not safe with it just being my mom and I living there but what can you do? Crime is everywhere and I couldn't take chances with my baby so I had to trust her dad with keeping her safe in ways that I can't.

If I had an any idea that any of this would be the result of it all then I... probably would've still made the same decision. She's only 2 years old. She's not involved in the adult politics and drama.

"I hear that but I don't hear the part where you actually tell them that. I'm not the one who needs to say it," I finally lift my head, my knees were starting to shake under the pressure.

"Come on, you know it's not that simple Ima..."

They have this practice where the families, the uncles and aunts can just meet and pay ilobolo for the kids to the mom's family then the kids change their surname and go stay with the father's family.

The shit. As in if we were married and I passed, my kids go stay with my in laws because they belong to their clan now after all the marriage rituals and family traditions. They have to stay with their paternals...

I don't get it but apparently its a law even. Customary law so it's a whole thing.

"It looks that simple to me. They can't do anything without you, the father's consent."

He's sitting on his big office chair, swinging back and forth, "It's not that simple saying no..."

What did I ever see in this guy? Besides his looks, why have I not choked him?

"Lebone, I have to be nice to your family because I don't want my daughter growing up without a family--"

"Like you did, you mean?"

I purse my lips for second, not to be baited by him today, "Pretty much. I know how important family is especially in a family as traditional as yours."

"That part we agree on yes."

"But Nebula stays Olifant and no amount of money that your family offers mine will change that. We're all just going to have to work it out somehow."

It's afternoon now and the sun is hitting his bedroom in that angle that makes everything seem hazy.

His room is not connected to the house, smart but there's no a big space between the two. Their house pretty much fills the yard.

But he has everything he needs back here, a shower and a toilet included because his parents have that kind of money.

Sharp sharp he's a cheeseboy this one. That's why he thinks that things are so simple.

"Work it out what how? It'll be easier for us to take care of her if she's a Mooketsi," He's moved closer with his chair.

I lift my eyebrows at him, "Us? The only us there is concerning our daughter is me and you. Everyone else is a spectator not a player. Only what we say goes and we give them the privilege of having her in their lives because frankly Nebula deserves better than both of our shitty families."

His is too involved and mine bailed on us a long time ago.

We shouldn't have brought a child into this.

He leans forward with his elbows on his knees, "Imani, I'm the one who lives here and I have to live with my child here, and even though I don't agree with this whole thing, I have other things to take into consideration."

"Why not just move?"

"And go where? And with what money?" He's getting annoyed now, "Because if I leave now, under these conditions and fighting with my family, they will not have my back if anything goes wrong."

"I'll be there and you can watch your own back--"

"Yeah, easier said than done. You're not the one raising a two year old here," He sits back, "I'm telling you its the hardest shit I've ever done and I'm telling you that I need the help."

"But why does it have to be this?!" I'm also annoyed.

"Because this is what they want dammit!" He yells back, "Unless you have any fucking better ideas Imani."

I think for a bit, there has to be something else, "More money?"

"That you get where?" He mocks, "Besides they stopped taking your money a long time ago."

Now I glare him down because he has got to be kidding right now.

I am fuming, "Lebone Mooketsi, if you have been spending my hard earned money on your girlfriends then I swear to God.."

He fumes as well and kicks his chair back to show it, "S'katlo nyela Imani, what do you take me for? I opened an account for her and that's where I put the money."

Oh. Shit.

"Look, Lebo--"

"Who the hell do you think you are eintlek?" He's practically snarling at this point, "You think you're the only one with problems? Or you're the only who loves Nebula? Like you're the only one making sacrifices here but remember Imani, I dropped out of varsity to stay at home with her because you claimed to not trust anyone else with her not even her own blood."

Blood does the worst actually.

"You didn't trust a nanny either because she's too young but you yourself can't stay with her due to your issues and I'm the one who had to give up everything. I knew you needed work more than I did, I knew the shit going on so I decided to give you peace of mind by taking care of our daughter full time. Now you wanna turn around and talk shit?"

Communication was never the issue between us clearly but then again, we never dated so we could always be brutally honest with one another.

I should apologize for jumping to conclusions though, "Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. My bad. But it's a no to paying to keep my daughter indefinitely. I will fight to the death Lebone. "

He takes a deep breath and half spins in his chair.

If I let them do this then I lose certain rights to my daughter and I don't have the money for the court battle that will ensue so while I still can I will fight til I die to keep her mine.

Her they want but me they don't and it doesn't work like that. She came out of me, she is mine whether they like me or not. I cannot give a flying fuck less.

"Fine, fine I'll evade, delay and whatnot but you need to figure something else out and quick," He stands up to go mess about in his wardrobe for a few minutes, "I won't be labeled the disrespectful, defiant one who when anything goes wrong in the family it's all my fault."

They make me almost glad I don't have much of a family sometimes. In mine is just me, my daughter, my mom and Sphe.

"Your family is ridiculous," It's my turn to sigh.

"Yeah but they're family. Blood is blood," He's changing his tshirt and I catch a glimpse of a bit of his light skin as he does.

Even my friends didn't blame me for falling pregnant when they saw him.

"Some of the bad shit that happens happens because families aren't together anymore and..."

Not this damn lecture again, "Where is Nene?" I cut him off, not interested, "I want to see her before I go. I won't be able to see her this weekend, I'll be in the city. "

"They went to town, they mentioned stopping by Spur on the way back."

The lower middle class love their Spur, I'm hardly surprised.

"Well, I'm gonna go. I hope we're good now..." I look at him questioningly.

He nods a bit, "Sure, I'll keep them off for as long as I can. Buy us time to see what we can do."

He can just say no but that's not an option to him.

I leave sad that I couldn't see my daughter, annoyed that Vivid and I didn't reach a straight conclusion, and pissed at the audacity of his family.

He offers to walk me but I turn him down, the sun is still up I can get home in one piece and I really can't stand anymore smack from his sisters. I'm not above punching a bitch in the throat but I can't because they live with my baby.

Even now I bet they know that I snuck in, nobody minds their own business here.

Everyone probably also already know that they're trying to take Nene from me, some even probably agree seeing as how I live across the tracks.

I may need to get a third job just to be able to move us out of this place and sustain us somewhere else. Moms is much better, I think we can swing it.

I'd still accompany her to the clinic though, those nurses are rude as hell and need to set straight sometimes. Some of them don't know how to talk to people and should be reminded of a small thing called manners.

Today I just have to put up a few boards about my sewing services and maybe some custom designs here and there. I'll make the time, I need the money.

I need it now more than ever.

___

It's one of those crazy nights at the club tonight. Some big shot rapper has rented out the entire club for his friend's birthday.

No expense is spared, money everywhere, all the girls are on the floor, everything's in excess-- one of those nights people get lost in.

I should be exhausted, how I'm still on my feet is a wonder--

I spent the rest of the week toiling over my old sewing machine every chance I got to finish the dresses for the girls. By old, I mean hand operated old, which meant twice the work.

Wednesday when my mom and I got back from the clinic, I had to finish up all my chores because Thursday I had to help Mariah with a cleaning tender she got then spent the rest of the day mending clothes for money.

Then yesterday I had came in the morning for that place and luckily didn't run into that man but then I couldn't go back home because I was opening shift at the club so I spent the whole day in the city with these crazy idiots which meant little to no sleep--

Woke up at Rea's this morning, slept over because she offered to pay me to look at her books, she works three jobs the third is a dance studio at a gym. It pays, she's smart but I told her that I only didaccounting as a module for a semester during first year.

I did go through the books though, the deadline for taxes is coming up and I'm better at it than she is, and she is paying me.

I guess my body hasn't reached its limit yet but tonight alone I've made twice the money I made all week and all I had to do was show some cleavage and flirt a little.

Michaela has been laughing at my schemes to finesse money out of these dumb assholes but it's been working .

We work well together as opposed to when Molly is here, she's annoying but Micaela and I are always insync with one another.

The rapper, who is apparently one of the best in the country, jumps on stage to talk a whole bunch of crap about his friend that no one is actually interested in but because we are all polite people and are just so honoured to even be in their presence, we laugh, nod and cheer at all the appropriate parts of the speech.

Zodwa and some of the other dancers bring out a huge cake and everyone starts singing. But not me. I can't be bothered really and that song's kind of creepy anyway.

I turn my back for one second to get some fucking syrup and pandemonium ensues. The rapper guy screams into the mic, a million champagne bottles pop off at once, confetti everywhere, Dino The DJ should just get arrested and when did we get so many strobe lights?

It's mayhem. Tits and ass left, right and center. And we're just breathing Mandela at this point, money is everywhere.

Micaela I are the only ones sober mainly because neither of us drink and we're the only ones actually working tonight.

"Who's this fool?" I ask Michaela over the loud music.

"Some hot shot named Juice," She informs me, "Top of the charts."

"Juice?" What the hell kind of name is that?

Stil better than Vivid, just because Lebone means light. Doti. And Dixon. Still much better than Dixon. Whatever the hell that one means.

Now here comes Ivy, one if the waitresses telling me that Shad wnats me to and deliver a couple bottles of gin to the Rea them's table.

I'm not about to turn down the extra tips such a little trip will yield especially when this body of mine is in just a black glittery bodysuit and fishnets stockings.

And the girl is hot as hell shem, I'm not gonna lie. All that wood gathering and water carrying.. calves and ass on the girl. My mom's thick hair, pretty face. The original elephant, I mean...

When I get to the table, I've already made a few hundreds being this pretty-- because you know, SA men don't tip in ones or tens.

"Thank you, thank you," One of guy jumps to their feet when I set the bottles on the already overflowing table.

Right in the heart of the party, where the not so bad looking rapper and the birthday boy have my friends wrapped around them with Shad lurking like some Lebanese pimp.

"You're Imani?" The Juice asks me pointedly.

Okay, he's actually hot up close and dressed to the nines with diamonds and everything.

"I could be," I look at him from under these lashes installed by Rea.

He looks at me like he wants to eat me whole, "Your friend here told me a lot about you."

Said friend here is Rea who gives me a sly wink and wraps an arm around the guy next to her.

This bitch. She's been trying to hook me up forever. Apparently I need a good dicking to get this stick from up out my ass.

My friends are assholes to be honest but tonight I'm all the more willing to play along if it gets me more tips.

I give Juice or whatever the fuck, a coy smile, "All true..."

He smiles a straight, white smile, "Well, join us. Have some fun. The fuck. There's plenty of everything to go around."

"I can't but thanks--"

"Oh come on, not even for the birthday boy?"

"Someone's gotta make sure that everyone stays loose tonight," I say with a little hip shake, " And that's my job."

His pink lips are in a lopsided smirk, "Alright then, the night's still young. Have some champagne though..."

I pick up a flute looking straight into those sparkly, brown eyes of his. Then I turn with to my friends and friends their coy glances.

They're having way too much fun and I'm here for it. I partake too sometimes but unlike them, I have my limits--

Like alcohol. I don't drink and even if I did, I'm too smart to take an open drink in a club so I hand it off to Ivy on my way back to the bar.

"The hell was all that about?" Micaela asks when I get back.

I just shrug, "I have no fucking clue."

I think he asked about me then my friends told him about and then Shad made a boss move...

Great, now even my boss wants me to get fucked.

________________

Mam'Thandi summoned us for some extra hands so after the party there went right into the sun rise, we made that dangerous back to Soweto. Cabanga.

But it's Mam'Thandi and for her we would move oceans and mountains.

The Saturdays that I usually sleep over means that I too am expected at church on Sundays-- church attendance is mandatory in Mam'Thandi's house.

You'd think that we'd be used to this by now but no matter how many Sundays Mam'Thandi blasts gospel music at six am and walks into our room to open the curtains and wake us up... there's no getting used to such.

She does not care that we only got in an hour ago from town and have only been sleeping for thirty minutes; when she says it's time to get up, it's time to get up.

After drawing the curtains in Nandi's room open, she pulls the covers off us and tells us that she wants her house clean before the sun gets hot.

That is usually Nandi's cue to groan and complain, and my cue to tell her that the sooner we get it done, the sooner we finish.

This morning is no different.

Nandi gets up from the bed and stomps her way out of the bedroom, nightdress, headscarf and all and goes to yell at her mother.

"Mam'Thandi, aowa, aowa, lo'msindo?" She starts, "Yihlisa ivolume yoh." Then she starts lowering the volume of the t.v.

"Yey wena! Nandi?!" That's Mam'Thandi yelling at her from whatever part of the house she's in and telling her to leave her things in her home and that if she doesn't like how things are done here then she can start sleeping at her own place.

She says this almost every time but whenever Nandi doesn't come over on Saturday, she gets hurt and upset and starts calling her every hour on the hour to tell her how mad and disappointed she is. It's a whole thing.

Since I'm the last one to leave the bed, that means I am the one who has to make the bed and it's a task and a half because this bed is too big for the room especially with the wardrobe that closes with robe. I don't know why Nandi didn't just buy a normal, double bed.

After making the bed, and setting all the cushions and pillows the way Nandi likes them, I rummage through her wardrobe for something to wear while I check on my mom and Nene but Vivid's phone is off again.

Fantastic.

I end up wearing some cut off jean shorts and our old college netball team t-shirt then I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I have my own toothbrush at her place as well.

By this time, Nandi has already brushed her teeth and is the one in the bedroom changing into something she can clean in.

When we are both done, we go into the kitchen to eat breakfast before we get to cleaning. Mam'Thandi has made us toast, eggs and sausages. She's is in a good mood.