Get in, loser, we're committing vehicular manslaughter!

You have any sunscreen?

You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—

It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.

*double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.

Hot dog costumes!

I'm sorry, what?

You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Lucas, goes mad with hunger, we'll put these on. Lucas hates hot dogs, so they probably won't eat us.

Are you saying that Lucas would rather eat us than hot dogs?

I do hate hot dogs.

Micheal, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.

Why? I'm fine on the stand!

*flashback to Testimony #1*

Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.

MAN DID CRIME.

*flashback to Testimony #2*

I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?

...Crying?

*flashback to Testimony #3*

And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.

Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?

When I first met you, I did not like you.

I'm aware of that.

But then you and I had some time together.

Uh-huh?

It did not get better.

Can I have your number?

I don't have a phone.

*nudges David at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. David ? Wake up, David ! Listen! They're sexless!

The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Delta's birthday invitations.

Well, what are they supposed to say?

"Delta's birthday".

So, what do they say instead?

"Delta's bi".

Works out either way.

Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

How late were you up last night?

Me?

No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.

You.

Brandon is a perfect cinnamon scone who's never done anything wrong in their entire life!

Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!

When's the last time you slept?

Uh... a few days ago, I think.

A few- how many?!

Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...

What you need is sleep!

( I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...

Knife Monopoly.

I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Where are you going?

Hell, eventually.

So how's the food Delta made?

It's great! Compliments to them.

*goes to the kitchen*

You're adorable.

*blushes*

Isn't it weird that we can't ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren't a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn't ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn't really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

Elephants.

Blocked.

Camels.

Extra blocked.

Donkeys.

Ultra blocked.

That dick.

...Followed.

Pfft, you should meet Delta, they're such a tsundere.

They... they just stabbed you.

So cute.

I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

I sleep with a knife.

Both of you are pathetic.

Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?

David .

Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You're the faster one.

Erm... it's nice see your smile when you win!

*later*

They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.

Yeah, probably.

I feel like doing something stupid.

I'm stupid, do me.

Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.

Hi, I'm 'things'.

The stars are so beautiful...

They're just giant balls of gas.

You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Oh...

Well, Delta and I finally did it!

*gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*

That's right... We kissed!

I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Brandon 's forehead before running out.*

No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Is this your plan B?

Technically, this is plan P.

Plan P? Is there a plan M?

Yes, but I marry Brandon in plan M.

I like plan M.

Sorry, I'm late to the party. I've been doing things.

I got caught up doing things too.

Wow, Brandon was late too! What a coincidence!

So, are you two dating now?

Yes.

Why?

I happen to find Delta very appealing.

Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Delta.

I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Screw that, I'm not kissing any of you.

*David walks in*

Fine, I'll do it. Rules are rules you know.

I like your new pants!

Thanks, they were 50% off!

I'd like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*

The store can't just give away clothes for free.

Thats's... not what I meant.

That's a terrible way to run a business, David .

So... I've seen you've been spending a lot of time with Brandon recently.

No, Delta, it's not what it looks like, I swear.

Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

No! You're the only one for me.

Is that so?

I promise! Brandon and I are just dating, okay? They're my partner.

So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?

You are still my one and only best friend! They're just the love of my life, nothing more!

But I'm still the platonic love of your life, right?

Of course bro!

Bro...

What the-

I'm proud to identify as morosexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.

What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?

God, Delta, you're so fucking stupid.

I owe you one.

That's ok. You can just date me and we'll call it even.

Are we fighting or flirting?

I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Your point?

Ooh, somebody has a crush

Pfft, I don't have a crush on Delta I just think they're cool, it's not like I stay up at night thinking about them.

*Later that night*

Uh oh.

So, what is Delta to you?

The reason I wake up every morning.

...That's adorable.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

Know why I called you in here?

Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

*Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

I said within reason, David . How about I murder that guy?

So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?

Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

That's ridiculous, Lucas doesn't have a crush on me.

Yes they do.

Yes they do.

Yes I do.

Why is Delta crying on the floor?

They're drunk.

And?

They saw a picture of David 's spouse.

But they're David 's spouse.

I know.

I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

That's great, Delta. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

Bro-

No, no, hold up, rewind.

My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

There's no way they like me back.

Delta would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.

Delta would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun.

That shirt looks great, Delta.

Thanks.

But I bet it would look even better on David 's floor.

Are you hitting on Delta... for me?

Okay, I'm going to get the wedding cake.

Perfect, while you do that I'll check on the ring bear.

...

You mean ring bearER, right?

...

Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

How is the most beautiful person in the world?

*blushing* I—

Delta is perfect, thanks for asking.

What's the announcement, David ?

It's a lecture. Lucas's gonna tell us everything they know about sex.

It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.

Seize the day, seize the night, what's the last one?

Seize the dick.

So anyways have y'all seen Delta?

I think they went in Ritchie 's room 'studying'.

Doubt that. I heard groans there.

*Meanwhile in Ritchie 's room*

*is wearing silk pants* How does this look?

Like its slips on and off really easily.

No, I didn't mean it like that-

We know what you meant.

Two years ago, I married my best friend.

Brandon is still mad about it, but me and Delta were drunk and thought it was funny.

*angrily presses Delta against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!

...

Are we about to kiss-

I put the pun in punishment.

I put the top in unstoppable.

I put the cute in execute.

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

I put the ass in class.

I put the D in Delta.

How much you wanna bet Ritchie got a Lap dance from Delta?

If that happened, Brandon can drink free tonight.

As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of Ritchie receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.

Hey Delta, did you give Ritchie a lap dance?

So what if I did?

I guess Brandon is drinking free tonight.

Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-

What the f-