*writing a letter*

Dear Santa,

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Allumos .

I'd like to live through a week that's not a whole new verse of "We Didn't Start the Fire."

You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts?

I would do anything for money.

*later*

THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it

I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.

*clappes*

I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

You ran a red light.

So did you, hypocrite.

I was following you.

That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.

Get out.

How would you like your hair cut?

Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products!

*sprays hairspray in their mouth*

Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good.

You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.

It's me.

What is the big deal about borrowing money? I do it all the time! Sometimes, I even pay it back!

Yum, thanks!

*puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it!

Caw caw, motherfuckers.

*gets set on fire and screams in agony*

Nah, I'm just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

What the fuck.

ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship.

Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.

I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

Next time I'm at the pet store, I'm gonna take a hamster and drop it in the scorpion cage. I wanna see what a hamster's face looks like when it goes, "oh, fuck."

*slowly pushes a cannon into a 17th century bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery

Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

I don't think the therapist is supposed to say 'wow' that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing voices.

Then I remember that's the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its "intelligent" and "really cool".

But when I do it, I'm "petty" and "need to let it go".

My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don't don't like them. That's not true... My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

You want to know why people are so afraid of clowns? Well you know what people say about how their feet aren't the only thing that's big? And how people who drive really big cars have small dicks? Well clowns are out there with their big feet and tiny cars.

What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed.

Could you maybe just like... stab me... right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. 'Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.

*the TV is freaking out*

Don't worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support.

*unplugs the TV, then plugs it back in again. nothing changes*

Yeah, that didn't work with my grandma either.

The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Ritchie lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse..

Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."

I warned you.

I'm perfect

What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can't?

My expectations were low but holy fuck.

*cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time?

*transforms to look like Mario*

Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit.

Fruits that do live up to their names?

Orange.

Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.?

A fistfight CAN be romantic.

My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look.

If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

I'm a knife.

They're the little spoon.

*yawns*

Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.

Then you must be exhuasted.

Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

We're kind of missing something guys.

Cohesion?

Teamwork?

A general sense of what we're doing?

And Eden is not here.

Oh, and that, yeah.

If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Sex.

Seriously, answer faster.

I'm sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you.

It's like a giant hug.

Devin, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Food.

Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?

Oh my God it's like the movie Sophie's Choice.

What about you ? What would you give up sex or food?

Oh... um... I don't know, it's too hard.

No, you gotta pick one.

Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don't know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?

Well it's actually a class, but unfortunately it's full right now.

Would you like me to tutor you?

That was smooth.

What happened?!

Do you want the long version or the short version?

Sh-short??

Shit's fucked.

Okay, long.

Shit's very fucked.

Bryan! What did I tell you about lying?

...That it only works on Mario.

Tell me a little about yourself.

I'd rather not, I really like this group.

Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.

The cow??

What?

Devin, W H Y?

Where are my fucking keys?

Bryan, Brandon is around, can you say it a little nicer?

May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

Some of us are still 'it' from a childhood game of tag.

way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday

Now, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be?

Well, that's you.

Me?! Is that what I look like?

You don't know?

Busy day.

What do you have?

A KNIFE!

NO

Seriously, Eden, how many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?

That's not important

I DISAGREE

Why did you kidnap Bryan!?!?!

Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh...

Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal.

NOT TO KIDNAP PEOPLE

Why aren't you sleeping?

I'm to busy plotting your murder to sleep, Viper.

...The nightmares.

*wrapping their arms around Devin* Awwww, sweetie-

A butterfly! Hey, little guy, gal or nonbinary pal!

Can a butterfly be nonbinary?

I mean, maybe? I don't judge.

Ah, have you ever imagine having butterfly wings? Then-

Then it would be inconvenient as fuck. Your wings would smack every doorframe and your clothes would have to have holes in the back.

Also, your wing's paper thin, so even a six year old aimed a NERF gun at it would... Yeah...

*sips coffee* According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a-

No, nononono. You fuckers have already shattered my dream, you don't get the fucking privilege to make that reference.

Also, it's about a butterfly, not a bee... Why would you make that reference?

You clearly have not lived with them long enough.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE!

*Climbing* THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

Would you take a bullet for me?

...yes?

*Collin angrily burst into the room*

*running away* Great, thanks

Hold on, I can explain!

Really? Can you now?

I can if you give me a minute to think of a convincing lie.

I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

I love murder mysteries!

I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

There's nothing to do....

You can wash the dishes you promised to wash about a week ago.

*pulls out their phone* Nevermind.

Die.

Please don't die!

DIE!

PLEASE DON'T DIE!

Why are they yelling at a plant?

They bought it together and Brandon wants Bryan to accept it as their kid.

Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

That doesn't exist.

Not with that attitude.

Do you ever think? Because I do not.

What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.

Socks are Feetie Heaties.

Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.

Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.

Stamps are Lickie Stickies.

I hate you guys so much.

I'm going the fight the next person who insults Bryan.

I hate myself.

Alright, square up.

Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

It's kind of complicated, but Allumos -

Got it. Forget I asked.

I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW

Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!

The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus.

Stop

If you got arrested what would be the charges?

Theft.

Disturbing the peace.

Aggravated assault.

Arson.

All of the above. In that order, probably

I made this friendship bracelet for you.

You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.

You don't have to wear...

No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

Are you drinking enough water?

Sometimes my tears get in my mouth

Life is like Devin. It's short

*on the phone* Hey Devin, do you know my blood type?

Of course, it's B-.

Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

Are you a painting?

What-?

Because I want to pin you to a wall.

OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG THEM OR SOMETHING-

Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Apparently, we're not

You know you can die from that, right?

*smoking a cigarette* That's the point.

*drinking alcohol* We're trying to speed this up.

*Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*

We either die free, or die trying!

Are those the only choices?

Why would you give a knife to Mario?!

Mario felt unsafe.

Now I feel unsafe!

I'm sorry...

Would you like a knife?

Do you even know what an amulet is?

Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!

Jericho , those are omelettes.

Oh. Then I've got nothing.

What's that?

Chocolate.

What's chocolate?

Candy. Do they not have candy where you're from?

Yeah. Grapes, nuts.

No wonder you're so bitter.

*Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

What did you do?!

NOBODY DIED!

WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

There's no way they like are about me...

Micheal would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.

Micheal would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun