《Classy (LGBTQIA+)》I Don't Belong Here

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The room was as bleak as the feeling in her chest. The white walls were painfully bright to Sara’s eyes. Eventually the silence grew too loud and she flicked on the TV, only half listening to the program. She wanted to go see Sophie again - and decided she was going to do exactly that. Clutching her IV drip in one hand, she smoothed out her hospital gown with the other. After deciding she was presentable enough to go down to the parking lot she tried to turn the door handle to find that she couldn’t. A panic clawed its way up her chest. She needed to do something, anything - they couldn’t trap her in her like this, like some animal.

“Nurse,” she tried to yell but her voice stayed trapped in her throat. Feeling incredibly weak Sara leaned against the door. A cough sprang its way from her chest, and a flash of anger made its way through her. At least when she was homeless she wasn’t trapped. Anger quickly replaced the panic, becoming an undeniable lump of rage and fear in her throat. A fist slammed against the door, but it was too weak to make a satisfying noise. Another feeling of overwhelming helplessness washed over Sara and she sat back down on the bed, undeniably shaky.

The door opened once again. Sara was expecting the nurse once again, but it was man. He was clearly the doctor - he had a very official presence about him and Sara could sense the demand for respect just emanating off of him.

“Hello Sara,” His voice was surprisingly soft and gentle. “My name is Dr. Ethan Ezekiel. You can call me Ethan,”

Sara immediately felt safe around Ethan. Even though he had an intimidating figure, there was just something about him that allowed Sara to trust him.

“Sara, do you know why you are here?”

“I threw myself off of a bridge.” Ethan showed no signs of being taken aback by Sara’s blunt language.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it.” Ethan replied with a chuckle and a smile. “May I ask why you though such a drastic measure was necessary?”

Sara didn’t reply, just frowned. She wanted Sophie to come back.

“Does the fact your files say you don’t have a permanent residence have something to do with that?”

Sara still didn’t reply.

“How long have you been under uncertain living conditions?” Ethan continued.

“About a year.” That questioned seemed safe enough to answer.

Ethan nodded, seemingly satisfied with his progress. Sara found herself praying that he would stop asking such prying questions.

“Where are your parents?”

No answer.

“Who is that girl that visited you earlier even after being told several times to leave?”

Sara smiled. Apparently a lot of rebellion was healthy if they told her several times to leave.

“A smile. That’s good to see,”

“Her name is Sophie.”

“And her relation to you?”

“We are friends.” Sara paused before the word friends - were they friends? They had just yesterday - was it yesterday? She supposed that Sophie would have just moved on if they weren’t friends.

“Is there anyone else you would like to contact? As you are under 18 we are going to have to contact your parents during your stay here by the law.”

Sara gulped. Her parents were the last thing she needed right now.

“Dr. Ezekiel -”

“Call me Ethan.”

“Ethan, I think the last thing that I need right now is for my parents to be contacted.” Ethan’s interest appeared to be perked after she mentioned that. Sara inwardly sighed. She couldn’t help but feel as if she was being interrogated.

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“You seem like you want to say something.”

“Not particularly. Why should I tell you anything?” Even though Ethan had been nothing but nice to her but her voice was loaded with acid. Completely unfazed by Sara’s acidity, Ethan just sighed and let his eyes sweep over her.

“You should tell me things because I am your doctor and I’m here to help.”

“You locked me in this room.”

“Yes, I ordered you to be locked in this room. Not just because I felt like it, though. It’s for your protection. Sara, honey. You have to acknowledge that you try and killed yourself and for this reason we have to lock you up.”

Sara grunted but didn’t reply. She still couldn’t help but feel as though she was an animal in a cage. Ethan noticed the look on her face and frowned. It seemed Sara was stubborn.

“This I think you would like to hear - you will be released as soon as your mental health is proved sound enough. So if you open up and tell me what’s going on, the sooner you can be released.”

Sara’s eyes flickered over Ethan. “Ok,” she finally managed - a tentative agreement to his ideas.

“Good. Now let’s start off with something simple. How did you meet that girl who snuck into her room?”

“I suppose she’s not very good at stealth.” Ethan smiled in reply to that. “Her name is Sophie, again. Call her Sophie - not ‘that girl’. I met her yesterday, I think. I had found five dollars and went to buy lunch at McDonald’s. She came up and sat beside me.”

“Just randomly? You didn’t know her before that?”

“No. I was quite annoyed at her for sitting with me at first. But I hadn’t really talked to anyone other than to beg for the majority of the time I was homeless and it felt good to have human contact where I wasn’t begging for something, you know? And we hit it off decently - I wouldn’t say we became instant friends.”

“So why do you think she sat with you?”

“A little rebellion is healthy. I suppose she has her own issues at home which led to her sitting with me.”

“Why didn’t you guys become instant friends?”

“She’s pretty damn rude. She says its super liberating,”

Ethan nodded, scribbling something down on his clipboard. Sara wanted to know what he was writing, and she tried to discreetly lean over and peer at his clipboard.

Ethan moved it away without looking at her. He had immediately caught onto her tricks. He continued to scribble on his clipboard for what had seemed to drag on for forever.

“So she’s pretty rude. How does that make you feel?”

“It’s kind of abrasive. And so clashing with the rest of her,”

“Oh. How so?”

“Because everything about her is just so.. light. And airy about her, you’d think her manners would be posh and unoffensive.”

“Even in a McDonald’s?”

“Yeah. And she perches. When she sat down with me she perched as if I’d make any wrong move she would just fly away. So I wanted to be careful because I didn’t want her to fly away.”

“You wanted to keep talking to this brash, abrasive and downright rude lady who sat with you? I don’t think I follow.”

“Same thing I said before. I craved human contact - even as an introvert we still need to have some.”

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“So, you had little contact with people before Sophie?”

“Well I did - it just wasn’t contact that meant anything. Being a beggar on the streets - people treat and think of you as subhuman scum.”

“There are homes.”

“It was a lot to handle. I had so many chores - I’m not complaining, I know they have to do that to keep the shelter going. And at the time I was still searching desperately for a job.”

“And you stopped?”

“I never stopped looking for a job. But no one was biting - so no job for me. I still pick up and fill out applications when I can. I was going to apply at the McDonald’s Sophie and I met at.”

“And you didn’t?”

“No, I forgot.”

“How long where you at the McDonald’s with Sophie?”

“Why? Is this a legal matter? I don’t think that doesn’t really matter.”

“Any particular reason why you left Sophie?”

“I was done eating.” Ethan stared into her eyes. He saw right through her lie - clearly lying was not going to work with Dr. Ezekiel.

“Remember, the sooner you fix your mental health the sooner you can leave.”

“I don’t really believe you, Doc, when you say I can leave. You have no idea where I will be actually living, and I’m assuming you won’t let me leave this until you know where I will be living.”

Ethan didn’t answer.

“Of course. So you lied to me - you are not going to release me? Are you? I can’t stand being cooped up in here.”

Ethan took a deep breath and scratched the 5 o’clock shadow on his chin. “I didn’t lie. I called your parents.”

Sara’s heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach. She couldn’t deal with them right now especially after all that had happened. And if they knew about Sophie - she shuddered to think of it. Her parents were not supportive of her lifestyle or whatever bullshit they spewed after they had kicked her out - all because of some stupid holy book. Lifestyle? That would be assuming it was all a big choice. If she had a choice, why would she chose the choice that got her kicked out of her own home? That very notion was just stupid.

“Why did you have to do that,” her voice broke. Sara’s eyes were filled with fear as she looked at Ethan. Her parents were not good people. That fact was plainly written all over her face.

“You don’t want your parents to come?”

“No - I think that would be detrimental to my health and release.”

“So what you are saying is that there are some issues between you and your family that we will have to work out.”

That’s not what she was saying at all! Sara’s eyebrows drew together and her frown deepened.

“When will they be here?” Sara prayed that she had time to mentally prepare herself for the next meeting with her family.

“Whenever you feel ready to work out your issues with them, I will give them a call and they will come out.”

Sara snorted. “They’re the ones that kicked me out in the first place, now they want to start helping?” Ethan leaned in and searched Sara’s face. He took a moment to process this new information in his psychiatrist brain, and then nodded.

“You were living with your family when you were kicked out?”

“Yes.”

“And they were the ones that kicked you out?”

“Ding, Ding, Ding, that is the correct answer!” Sara mock voiced as if she was on a gameshow as the host. Ethan nodded and scribbled something down.

“So, can I ask you a personal question?”

“All of these questions have been personal. What’s another one?”

“Yea. Why do you think that they kicked you out of the house? It’s sort of a blunt question, but I am quite curious as to what kind of person would kick their own child before they were of age out to the curb.”

“Oh I don’t have a thought. I know exactly why.”

“Well, don’t leave me on the edge of my seat.”

“Because their holy book is more important than their child.”

“Why would they - oh.”

“Homophobic bastards,” Sara spat, in regards to her family. Sara was one of the many homeless LGBT youth in the world - but hey, she could have had it worse. There were people in Russia, Afghanistan and Ukraine that were being killed just because they were gay. So even though she was homeless, she wasn’t dead. And even though yesterday she had wanted to kill herself, today she was glad that she wasn’t dead. There was a long pause between Ethan and Sara.

“I’m glad I’m not dead,” This wasn’t fake thankfulness that so that she would be able to leave the hospital. This was a very real, very passionate feeling. Ethan nodded.

“Well, I have a few other patients to go and talk to, but there will be a nurse come by and help move you to the psych ward.” Ethan got up and left, leaving Sara sitting on the bed by herself. The window was inviting - Sara wondered if Sophie was still in the parking lot. After her eyes swept over the parking lot a few times, it was determined that Sophie had in fact, left. Sara felt disappointment take up residence in her stomach, but she wasn’t left alone to her feelings long. A nurse came in without knocking.

“Hello, Sara. I’m here to take you to the psych ward. Are you all packed up and ready to move?” The nurse was singsong and cheerful, nothing like the severe nurse from before. Sara guessed she was probably a nurse for a child’s ward of some sort from the singsongyiness. Sara didn’t reply - she didn’t have anything but the hospital scrubs on her back. Did anyone ever have anything to move to the psych ward? Were you even allowed to keep stuff in the psych ward? Sara was dying with a million questions but her lips were sealed. She didn’t want to talk to any of these nurses for any reason. Why? Because she wasn’t going to stay long. There were no point in making connections if you were just going to leave in a couple days. A security guard followed close behind her and the nurse, squeezing into the elevator beside them. His presence was especially unnerving - not matter how nicey nice this people where being to her they were still treating like a mentally ill crazy person.

But you are a mentally ill person, a small voice in the back of her head reprimanded. You tried to kill yourself. It was true - Sara had tried to kill herself. At the time it had seemed like a good plan. However she now had no desire to die and was very glad she survived the near drowning. The entrance of the psych ward had a locked door where the nurse had to press a buzzer to be let in. The door locked itself shut after it closed - Sara’s nerves were dancing under her skin. They were going to trap her here. They were screened for anything on them and then invited in through the next door, where there was a wide open space. Patients in hospital scrubs were milling about, some talking to themselves. Sara couldn’t help but feel even more unnerved.

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