Four Months Later

"I'm doing good. I got an A on my calc test, and Amy invited me to a party this weekend."

"Are you going to go?" Asked Seth, cocking his head to the side as he observed the boy sat across from him.

"I don't think so. But Amy said I can sleep over at her house after. With the others." Noah said hesitantly, absentmindedly fiddling with the bracelet on his wrist. It was a simple gold clasp, with just a single name engraved into the band. Cas.

"Well that's good, right?" Seth asked with a smile, which Noah returned.

"Yeah. Just different I guess."

"Good different?"

"Good different." Noah confirmed, nodding his head firmly.

"What about Christmas? Got any plans?"

"Well, I'm thinking of visiting the Daniels on Christ eve." Noah said. He had made a habit in the last two months of visiting Casimir's family. He sometimes felt like they were the only people who shared his grief. Besides, he knew that Juny appreciated his company.

"That'll be nice." Seth said with a warm smile, which Noah returned as best as he could.

There was a moment of silence wash over them, before Seth started to speak again.

"Noah, you know why your parents scheduled an extra appointment with me this week. Don't you?" He asked, and Noah nodded weakly.

"Do you want to say it?" Seth asked gently, and Noah swallowed the lump in his throat.

"It's the anniversary. One year to the date." He managed to say, throat dry and raspy.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Say how you feel."

"I feel like I miss my best friend."

"Which is a completely natural reaction. I never met Casimir, but from the sounds of it he was something else."

"Yeah." Noah said, unable to stop a fond smile from spreading across his features. "Yeah, he really was."

"Do you still cry a lot for him?"

"Occasionally." Noah admitted. "But not as much as I used to. I think I'm slowly starting to heal." He said, feeling slightly guilty.

It seemed Seth could sense the unease in Noah's tone. "Noah, you don't need to feel guilty for trying to move on."

"I know. But- I don't know. I guess I just feel like I'm betraying him."

It was a truth that had weighed heavily on Noah's mind. Deep down he knew Cas would want him to move on, but every time he laughed with his knew friends he felt a little stab of guilt hit him in the stomach.

"I may not know Casimir personally but from what I gather from you, I feel like he'd want you to move on."

"Yeah?" Noah questioned, voice uncertain.

"You said he was all about living for today, living in the moment? I think he'd definitely want you to move past, start trying to put a normal life together for yourself. He'd want what was best for you."

"I don't want to move past him, though."

"Moving past doesn't mean forgetting him Noah. Of course you'll always remember him, as you should. But you need to find a way to live for yourself too." Seth spoke gently, and Noah nodded.

"I've been trying."

"I know, and you've been doing well. You've integrated yourself back into high school life extremely well. You should be proud."

"Thanks." Noah said abashedly.

"Are you going to visit Casimir today?"

"Yeah." Noah nodded, licking his dry lips.

"If you start to choke up or anything, you have my number." Seth said kindly, and Noah once again felt a stab of gratitude for Doctor Fuller.

-

Noah sipped the coffee, holding it tight in his fingers as his only source of warmth. He walked along the snowy footpath, his breath coming out in little clouds.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, revealing a text message from his mother.

From: Mom

I'll collect you at the corner by the bakery. Text me when you're ready. Love you x

To: Mom

See you soon, love you.

Putting away his phone, he focused back on his journey.

He kept walking, feet hitting the pavement lightly. All around him people bustled in shop windows, family's hugged, children laughed. Fairy lights were strung around the town, glowing against the dark winter sky.

Soft Christmas music could be heard from the doorways of shops, and children ran past screaming and laughing. The sight brought a small smile to Noah's face.

He eventually reached his destination, chest beginning to tighten as he neared the graveyard.

He opened the gate, maneuvering his body through the curve and making his way into the graveyard. He knew the route to Casimir's grave like the back of his hand and began to walk, feeling strangely at ease in here.

He reached the grave then, a black marble gravestone gleaming as the last rays of the winter sun hit it at an angle.

There were fresh flowers and trinkets at the grave. More than usual. Of course more people would be paying their respects today, it was the one year anniversary after all.

Noah reached into his bag, pulling out the small bundle of flowers and laying them on the grave.

He stayed there for about an hour, not saying anything, just being. When he eventually stood to leave, he finally spoke.

"Goodbye Cas. I'll be back."

He hadn't realized he was crying until he felt the salty tear hit his lip. He took one last look at the grave before turning on his heel and leaving. He would be back soon anyway. He always was. He didn't always stay for an hour, but today was obviously an exception.

Four months ago, Noah woke for the first time with the realization that Casimir was really gone. The first month was awful, and Noah's breakdowns were at an all time high.

It wasn't without reason. This was his first time really mourning Casimir. He was put on anti depressants, and with his parents help he began to open up to them. Visits with Doctor a fuller became a weekly thing.

He slowly began to heal though, going back to high school when the new school year began. He had friends too, nothing close to what he had with Casimir but friends all the same.

He still had his bad days, but the good were starting to outnumber them. He still suffered bouts of depression, wherein he would not leave his bed for days and refuse to eat. But, slowly but surely, he was starting to heal.

He had built a stronger relationship with his parents. He had taken up a new hobby, swimming. He wasn't particularly amazing at it, but he didn't do it to win. He did it because he enjoyed it, and he knew he had to take the little pleasures when they came.

He still saw Casimir. Not the way he used to. Not like he was there. No, he saw Casimir in the good things in the world. He saw Casimir in little acts of kindness. He saw Casimir in a group of happy kids splashing on the beach. He saw Casimir in the little rainbows that dotted the sky, when a day of sun replaced a day of rain.

Maybe saw wasn't the right word. Perhaps felt would be a more accurate description. Whatever the case, Casimir was always there. Always in the background, providing comfort when Noah needed it most.