《Lilac's Lies》31
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"Lilac, do you need help?" Roman asked me, and I started to panic again.
He had been silent for minutes now, minutes that seemed like hours. The two of us simply standing in this empty library, looking at each other. Tears were streaming down my face, and the reason why was simple. Tears were falling because I couldn't do the one thing I needed to do. I couldn't say the one thing that I needed to say, which was you're wrong.
He was right, he was completely right, and I think he knew it as much as I did.
"Help?" I repeated his last word, though I think I was just trying to buy myself time.
"Yes," Roman responded, his hands were still placed lightly on my shoulders. I wasn't sure if he placed them there just so that I didn't run away. I might have, I should have. It might have been the easiest way to avoid this conversation. Though, I had a feeling that Roman wouldn't let this go. Even if I managed to slip away, run back into the party, I had a feeling Roman would be right behind me.
"I can help you, Lilac," Roman continued, taking my silence as a confirmation, "you don't have to be treated like this. Do you need help?"
"I..." I started, but I couldn't finish because I had no words besides the truth. "I don't know."
Roman looked saddened by my answer, his lips turning downwards, just slightly. As if he didn't want me to see what he was feeling. I didn't know what to say next. I didn't know why I wasn't fighting his words, fighting his assumptions. I could only think, even though I didn't want to think it at all, that maybe there was a part of me that wanted Roman to know. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted him to know everything.
Maybe it was because I saw the way he struck Jesse down, so effortlessly. All it took was a single punch from Roman to knock Jesse to his ass. The same Jesse that I was terrified of, the same Jesse that had done the very same thing to me. Maybe it was the way he spoke after he did it, he had such emotion in his words that I easily believed him.
But, maybe it was simply because I was tired of lying to everyone.
"Okay," Roman said soothingly, his hands beginning to move up and down the sides of my arms, "Lilac, can I take you somewhere? Can I take you home?"
I tensed at the word home, because I knew Jesse. I knew Jesse and I knew how incredibly pissed off he was going to be, once he came to and realized he had been knocked out in front of the whole school. He would be seething, and I'm his favourite punching bag. Whether it be tonight or tomorrow, I knew I would be the one to pay for this.
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"I don't want to go home," I told him, and his hands stopped in their motions, just for second, before they started again.
"That's fine," he said without missing a beat, though the look in his eyes was hesitant. "I can take you anywhere you want."
"Okay," I agreed instantly, surprising myself completely. I must have surprised Roman just the same, because his eyebrows shot upwards.
"Okay," he repeated, and he stared at me for just a second longer. His eyes were still narrowed, a crease forming between his brows. He was looking at me like one would look at a piece of writing that doesn't quite make sense. Like he was trying to unscramble the jumble of misspelled words so he could understand.
His hands left my arms, except one of them. That one simply moved, his fingers grasping around my elbow instead. Like I was had been turned to stone long ago and was finally unfrozen, my limbs stiff and ridged and unknowing how to move again, he pulled me forward tentatively.
Slowly, I walked with him. He pushed the door open, and I lowered my head as the sounds of the party came to life once again. Roman didn't stop, however, he simply pulled me closer. After a minute of walking through the crowds of people, most of them too busy in their journey to drunkenness to look our way, I caught up to his strides and we were walking side by side. Once he felt my body beside him, he moved his hand. He placed his fingers, and just his fingers, on my lower back instead.
The night air was cool as we exited the party through the front door. I didn't know where we were headed, so I was thankful that Roman's hand was on my back, guiding me in the direction he wanted me to go. It didn't take long before we arrived at his car, the silver one that Clara had run into. It seemed to be fixed completely now, the once destroyed back bumper now sparkling and new.
Roman reached out in front of me, opening the passenger side door and standing back so I could climb in. I didn't look at him as he did so, I kept my eyes focused on the concrete below me. I don't know why I didn't want to see his face. Maybe, I just didn't want him to see mine.
I was about to enter the car, when his hand reached out and stopped me. I stood still, raising my eyes to his. His face was blank now, it was emotionless. But his eyes, they looked the opposite of mine. Whereas mine were dull, his were alive- but not in a good way. Those eyes scanned down my body, and I felt subconscious as the roamed over the revealing dress that Jesse had put me in. In a single motion, he pulled the black hoodie he was wearing off his body, wordlessly handing it to me.
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I looked at it, the warm fabric in my hands, before I understood that he wanted me to put it on. So, I did. The black material fell to my mid-thigh, covering the purple dress completely. He nodded once I had it on, the look in his eye becoming a tad less dangerous.
I slid into leather seat, fastening my seatbelt quickly. I looked down at my hands, which were clasped together in my lap as Roman got into the driver's seat. He was quiet as he pressed the start button, and I was thankful for it. Roman's words were always laced with something deeper than what he was saying on the surface.
He pulled the car away from where it was parked on the quiet residential street, but I was too lost in my own thoughts to wonder where he was headed. My mind felt so conflicted, there were no two harmonious thoughts occurring.
I felt safe. Safe away from Jesse, safe here with Roman. Yet, I felt scared, scared about what was going to happen next. I felt relieved that I hadn't told yet another lie to Roman, yet I felt disappointed in myself for blowing my cover.
But, maybe I didn't blow my cover. Maybe... Roman didn't know anything at all. I didn't give anything away... right? I simply didn't deny what Roman was saying. I didn't confirm anything. Maybe... maybe he didn't notice. Just because he knew that Jesse yelled at me and called me names, it didn't mean he knew the other things that Jesse did. He didn't know about the times that Jesse had hit me across the face so hard it caused my lip to bleed. He didn't know about the times that Jesse had thrown me to the ground. He didn't know about the times that he had dragged me by my hair, ripping chunks of it out in the process. He didn't know about any of that.
He didn't know, but why was there a tinge of disappointment at the fact that he didn't know?
"Lilac," Roman interrupted my thoughts. His voice startled me, causing me to jump in my seat, "where do you want to go?"
I looked ahead of me now, staring past the windshield to the dark street he was driving on. I didn't recognize it, it looked to be some kind of back street. I wondered how long he had been driving, how long I had been inside my head. I thought of his question, but I didn't have an answer.
"I don't know," I told him, keeping my head straight, "maybe you were right."
"What was I right about?" Roman asked me, his voice was unusually calm.
"Maybe I don't have anywhere to go," I told him, remembering his words from earlier.
"That's okay," Roman said quickly, and from my peripheral vision I saw his hand extend towards me, like he was about to comfort me with his touch. He seemed to think better of it, however, and he moved it back to the steering wheel instead. "Can you tell me why you don't want to go back home?"
"Jesse is going to be mad at me," I surprised myself by telling Roman another truth.
"For what?"
"For tonight. For getting knocked out, for leaving, for him being embarrassed in front of everyone," I listed off the reasons, though those were only the ones I could think of first. I'm sure I could find more if I tried.
"None of those things are your fault," he said firmly, and I wanted to shake my head at his naivety.
"Aren't they?" I questioned blankly, the question hovering around the air.
Roman was silent as he absorbed my words. I wasn't sure if he didn't have the words to answer, or because he knew it was the truth just as much as I did.
"Why does that mean you can't go to your house?" Roman asked, ignoring my previous words all together.
"He'll go there," I said without hesitation, and I had no idea why I wasn't lying.
"And... you just don't want to see him or is there another reason why you don't want him to find you there?" Roman asked me, and I knew what he was getting at.
I turned my head, looking out of my window instead. I didn't lie, but I couldn't say the truth. Of course I was scared.
"Okay," Roman sighed when he realized I wasn't going to answer. "I don't know where else to take you besides my apartment."
I didn't answer again, but deep in my stomach, I felt a surge of hope when he said that.
"Is that okay with you? You can have the guest room. The sheets have been changed, after, you know... Samuel and Clara," Roman assured me, and another night I would have giggled, "just, I don't know Lilac, just nod if that's okay."
And, again, to both our surprise, I nodded.
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