The sound of my feet pounding on the asphalt, the wind in my hair— I stop at a crosswalk, wait for the light to turn, and when it's safe I keep running. In record time, I'm checking my surroundings then slipping through the crack in the door in the back of the big red building.

"Guys?" I call down the hallway, my voice echoing in the dark.

"In here!" Raven calls back from inside one of the rooms to my right.

I run in and spot Raven sitting on a desk, Ryder getting stoned in the opposite corner of the room. I say between gasps, my eyes flitting between the two, "Two things."

"Well, spill it!" Ryder says without moving from the line of desks he's lying on, facing the ceiling and the smoke rings he's puffing.

I'm out of breath from running all the way here though, and sweating in my long sleeves. They're forced to wait as I sit on the floor, undoubtedly covering myself in the grime from this old place, while I give my lungs a break. Ryder is smirking at the ceiling like a hypocrite. I won't let him forget about the time we had to run five laps in gym class and he tapped out after two.

Finally, I say, "First thing's first: Raven, did Ryder tell you that I told him at school that Gerard told me that the baby has been born?"

Ryder laughs, "What the fuck was that sentence?"

"Shut up, Ryde," Raven says, waving a hand in his direction, "What'd they name the kid?"

"Her name's Bandit," I deadpan.

"That's such a Gerard and Lindsey thing to do!" Raven covers their face with their hands, then says through a crack in their fingers, "But I love it so much."

"I know, me too! And I can't fucking wait to meet her."

"And I can't fucking wait to go to Jersey!" Ryder adds, and Raven nods in agreement. "Rave and Krash have been talking a lot, you know, and he seems excited to get over here."

Raven smiles knowingly. "I think you're more excited for him to get here than he is."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Ryder asks.

Raven ignores him and turns back to me instead, asking, "What's the second thing?"

"Right." I get up off the floor and brush the dust off my black jeans, then I take a seat on one of the desks next to Raven. Dangling my legs, I say, "Laura is way too fucking nice."

"She was a bitch but now she's too fucking nice?" Ryder asks.

"She's always too fucking nice and it makes me feel so fucking guilty. Like, we had an actual conversation a couple days ago. She told me about when I was a little kid and stuff and, I don't know, it was kind of nice."

"No, don't let her brainwash you like that!" Ryder exclaims, hopping off the row of desks. He gets up close to me, puts his hands on my shoulders, and says seriously, "First, she'll make you think she's nice, and then you'll start liking her, and before you know it she'll have you in a van, driving to go and leave you somewhere dangerous," then he bursts out laughing.

"He's high as a kite," Raven tells me, then tells him, "Look, Ryde, spray paint bottles in the corner. Go write 'fuck the police' on the wall, or something."

Ryder obeys without a second thought.

"I'm not just gonna start liking her," I say, "I'm just gonna feel more and more bad about how I've kind of been a bitch since I got here."

"You're gonna feel bad about how you've acted?" Raven asks incredulously. When I nod, they shake their head. "No, no, no, Way. There's no way you forgot what she did to you. You can't be the one to start feeling bad."

"But I kind of do," I say quietly, looking down at the floor.

Between the sounds of paint spraying the wall across the room, Ryder says simply, "It's cause you're the one who's too fucking nice, Way. Not her."

• • •

Evelyn: am i too fucking nice?

Emerald: You're not *too* nice, but you're nice. Why?

Evelyn: that's not even an answer

Emerald: You let people push you around too much, and I wish you could stick up for yourself more. Is that what you wanted me to say?

Evelyn: is it too fucking nice of me to feel bad about being a bitch to laura?

Emerald: I think anyone would've acted the same way put in your situation, so I wouldn't say you were a complete bitch.

But also anyone with any compassion would probably feel bad too, so no.

Evelyn: jokes on you, i don't even know what that word means

Emerald: Yes you do, you just don't know what to say and you use humour to cope.

Evelyn: i'm not going to be able to continue this conversation if you keep calling me out like this

Emerald: I love you <3

Evelyn: ... love you too

With a bowl of instant ramen I made myself because it's one of the only things I trust myself to make when Laura is at work, I sit in my bed which she usually wouldn't approve of. She's not here, so I'll eat ramen in bed if I want to. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what Ryder said yesterday, even if he was stoned out of his mind at the time.

I feel so conflicted. Holding a grudge against Laura got boring and repetitive after a while, and I got tired of my own attitude. Even frustrated by it. I just want everything to be happy and okay, but that's not life. But I feel like, for the most part, I'm getting in my own way. I could drop this, force myself to get over the past, and let Laura win.

I could let her be my mother.

But I'd feel like I'd be betraying Gerard if I did that. He was the good parent, not her. I like him, not her. He knows me, and she doesn't. She keeps trying, though. I'm the one who's not letting her in. She's made it very clear at this point that she wholeheartedly regrets what she's done, that she's changed, and that she truly wants to do better and wants me in her life.

I don't plan on forgiving her, or anything. She doesn't deserve that. But maybe, just maybe, she deserves someone who'll try even a fraction of the amount that she has to build a relationship over the ashes of the old one that never really existed.

I'll need a second opinion. And maybe a third and a fourth. Mostly because I'm bad at making decisions and I have anxiety.

Evelyn: problem.

Ray: What's up?

Evelyn: i don't even know why i started this conversation... this is more of a bring it up in therapy kinda problem not a text problem

Ray: You can still talk to me, you know.

Evelyn: right. so. basically. this is living hell because at this point laura is being nice to me like... like an actual mom?? and i'm just. not responding. and i feel like a bitch, but also i feel like if i did open up to her i'd be betraying gerard in a way? i don't know if that makes sense

• • •

Evelyn: i have a problem.

Frank: It must be serious cause you just used punctuation. Is this even Eve?

Evelyn: yeah it is serious

Frank: Okay, sorry. I can be mature. What's up?

• • •

Evelyn: hey I have problem.

Mikey: what is it? is everything okay?

• • •

I text everyone but Gerard and Lindsey, because they're kind of part of the situation, giving Ray, Frank, and Mikey each an identical breakdown of the situation. To my disappointment, they each give me almost identical responses: They don't think I'd be betraying Gerard and Lindsey at all if I opened up to Laura just a bit. They think it would make things easier for me, and living here less of a pain if there was less tension between us. And, most importantly, all Gerard wants is for me to be happy.

I'm nervous when Laura has gotten home from work and it's time for dinner. She calls me down as usual, and we sit across from each other at the table as usual, but I feel tense. She senses it, I think.

"How was your day?" she asks.

"Fine," I say without meeting her eyes. "How was work?"

She does a bad job of hiding her surprise at the fact I'm even asking, but says, "Fine. Not very busy today."

I nod awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. Laura doesn't seem bothered, takes a forkful of salad I've only picked at so far, and chews slowly, a thoughtful look on her face. It's the face of someone who has something to say, a question brewing but they're not sure if they should ask it or not. I sit quietly, waiting.

Finally, she asks, pointing at the pendant dangling around my neck, "That's a nice necklace."

On instinct, I clasp my palm around the black heart. "Thanks."

"Did someone give it to you?"

I nod slowly and she raises her eyebrows as if to ask, "Who?" Without stopping to consider if it's a good idea or not, but not really caring because if shit hits the fan I can escape to Raven's place, I mumble, "My girlfriend."

Her eyebrows stay raised, she sits up straighter. "What was that?"

"Oh, um," I look down at my plate, suddenly feeling sick. Tugging on my sleeves, I stutter, "It was my- my girlfriend? My girlfriend back home— in Jersey— gave me the necklace..." My grip around the pendant is tighter than ever.

Laura relaxes in her seat again. "Oh, that's sweet," she says pleasantly. At the look on my face, a mixture of shock and relief, she explains, "I'm not mad or anything, I just didn't hear what you said the first time. What's her name?"

Do I tell her? I don't want to. But I've gotten this far... Laura is looking at me as she chews her food, waiting for an answer. Finally, I tell her, "Emerald."

"What a pretty name." When she smiles I see she has lettuce stuck in her teeth. Instead of telling her, I ignore it.

"Yeah, it is."

"I want you to know I support you, and I'm sure Emerald is lovely."

"Oh." I slump down in my seat and stare at my plate of food for a long time, barely touch it. Laura doesn't point it out or move, though, like she's going to sit there and wait until I've swallowed every last bite.

She's done eating by the time she clasps her hands under her chin and says, "You know, it's almost June and it's getting pretty warm out... why do you always wear that sweater?"

If I wasn't hungry before, I'm definitely not anymore.