Well, I passed my exam. Turned in a final paper that I had to print out twice because my sweet angel of life and miracle from my body thought it should have peanut butter on it.

I brought him with me to turn in the final paper and got my exam back immediately. It wasn't a perfect score, but I got the second-highest, which I think is cause for celebration.

And so my dad is taking Jadon and me to dinner. Nothing fancy or special, but the Enchanted Forest Cafe is new in town and has plant-based options for us and my dad thinks they have passable steak.

It's a sweet gesture and I'm glad to have one more weight off my shoulders.

"What do you think about Lucas, Allie?"

And then he brings up the elephant in the room.

We are waiting for our food to arrive when my dad blurts out that thought from inside his brain. Jadon may appear to be coloring in the maze on his paper menu, but I know he's listening.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. Do I have these feelings for Lucas? Yes. I can't deny that.

Am I confused? I am well within my right to be confused. I am not married, Ted has decided to disappear in the wind before I could even apologize, and I'm just trying to finish school and make sure Jadon turns out to be decent when he's older. Really, I don't want to have this conversation with my father.

I'd rather have it with myself, in the car, while backing up Beyoncé on the radio.

"What about Lucas?"

"Are you wanting to give that a shot now?"

Since when is he supportive of the guy that wronged me? His words, not mine. Plus, if he wanted to be with me, he would have left Katrina. "Lucas is with Kat, and she seems to think they are getting married. I am..." what am I? I don't know.

"You're not with Ted, Allie. That was a textbook break-up. Clearly, he was finished. I don't see why you're sitting on the fence about it anymore."

The waitress finally brings our food over and my dad shuts up about it. Thank goodness.

Lucas calls nightly, and we talk practically all day. He doesn't visit during work, but my phone is constantly beeping and going off during lunch.

Lucas makes me feel like I can forget the hard stuff sometimes. He can be serious but rarely is with me unless necessary. He makes things fun and makes life seem so easy. He's not supposed to be that person. He's Lucas-freaking-Kennedy. He's supposed to make me crazy.

***

I haven't told anyone, not even Charity yet.

It's more embarrassing than Lucas' joking around with the thing. Not thing. The Turbo Vibes 9000.

He's an ass, that Lucas Kennedy is.

I'm braving the elements, though. Everyone is asleep and I'm about too many glasses deep in my special wine—yes, vegan—to turn back now. I passed a class amidst the strangest summer of my life, and I'm going to act like a damn grown-up about this.

I've probably stood here with the glass in hand just glaring at the little box at the top of my closet.

Gosh, Allie, just grow up.

I set the glass down on my dresser and reach for it. With a deep breath, I sit on my bed with the damn thing. This is ridiculous.

And my dad thought I should go to medical school? I wouldn't have made it through anatomy.

Or whenever they show the first naked body. It's not my fault. I just haven't been around it with a reserved father who referred me to a librarian when I needed to learn about my cycle.

I tear through the cut-open flaps and pull out the packaging.

This Turbo thing doesn't look like it bites. Lucas must have been pulling my leg during his last round of jokes.

And call me naive, but I don't know how this works. I'm blaming it on my high sense of moral integrity but I'm just a prude and I know that it has nothing to do with morals.

So I've got nothing. No excuse as to why this is something taboo for me.

I am halfway through reading the directions and trying to make sense of the diagram when my phone threatens to give me a heart attack.

"H-hello?"

"You use it yet?"

It was a weak moment when I decided to tell Lucas about it and I blame it on the events of the summer.

"I'm trying to understand the directions."

His deep chuckle on the other end has all of my attention. It's stupid, but I like when he laughs. It's deep and the way his chest rumbles is stupidly intoxicating. "Why do you need directions? Just put it on you and go."

No duh. I just want to make sure I do it right.

"Just make sure to set the mood."

"The mood?"

"Yeah," he says. "Light a candle or something and turn the lights off. Maybe put some music on low."

He sure knows a lot about this.

"Music... like what? How do you know all this?" Oh, right. Wet t-shirt contests and a revolving door of women his entire life. "Never mind."

Lucas' deep laugh sets me at ease. "I knew you wouldn't look it up, so I took the liberty of doing it for you."

Because this is what one-night-stands that result in a child do for one another. I have his kid and he looks up how to masturbate for me.

God, I don't even know if I like the word. How about something nicer?

"How have you never touched yourself, Allie?"

"God, can we call it something else? I need a code word for it."

He laughs again, bringing me back down a notch. "How about Allie time?"

"Ew, no."

"Flicking the bean."

I choke on my sip of wine. "Don't."

"Okay, fine. Did you ever name it?"

"Maybe this is stupid. I'm not cut out for this—"

"Allie, stop. Why does it need a name now? You can do it without calling it something."

"Why do you always know how to push my—hey! That's what we'll call it. Pushing my buttons."

Lucas is quiet, but I get the feeling he's laughing by the time I hear the smile in his voice. "Pushing your buttons. Subtle. I like it. Now. Are you going to push your buttons?"

I look around the room and try to not think about the fact I grew up in here. He mentioned turning the light off and lighting a candle. "Hang on." There's a candle on my nightstand that I light before shutting off the lamp.

Okay. Alright. It's there.

I swallow the remainder of my wine and hold the... button pusher in front of my face.

"You should put music on if that will help you relax."

Right. Good idea.

I have no idea what to put on. I don't want my first time to be to Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone...

"Do you have a suggestion?"

"Just put on some lo-fi beats. You'll obsess over a song with words."

True. That's very true. With my tablet, I put on the music low so no one hears.

"Turn it on."

The sound of the thing sends me reeling to shove it under the pillow. There's no way nobody heard that. My dad is going to know. He's going to walk in and—

"Allie?"

I struggle to pick up my phone while trying to figure out how to stop the buzzing sounds. "I can't do this. Someone is going to hear." That wine is already gone from my system, I just know it.

"Nobody is going to hear. They're asleep, right?"

They better be. "Yes."

"You're fine. Trust me."

I can't. When I figure out how to turn the damn thing off, I can pull it out from under the pillow.

"Allie, just relax. Do this once, and then you'll know if you like pushing your buttons."

"It's the sounds that are worrying me."

"You want to try and use your hand?"

"I cook and bake with these hands, Lucas. I'm not using my hands."

"Oh," he groans. "You're funny. Just do this. Lay on your back. Are you comfortable?"

"No."

"Are you over the sheets or under?"

"Over."

"Get under the sheets. Wait, what are you wearing? Are you naked?"

I blink. This is borderline. No, borderline was answering the call. This is... "Lucas, I'm not so sure we should be talking about this."

"Why? I'm helping you learn to pleasu—push your buttons."

"Yeah, but you and Kat..."

"What about her?"

"Wouldn't this be considered some form of cheating? I'm not that kind of person." It just took me a bit to realize what I was doing the first time because he's Lucas Kennedy. Plus, he's still in whatever relationship limbo he's in while I'm apparently single.

"I'm helping a beautiful young woman learn to take care of business until she meets someone that can do the job for her. Plus, I'm not going into detail, but no. It's not cheating as far as Kat is concerned."

I want to ask, but just as I'm about to, he cuts me off.

"Don't ask. I'll tell you about her new job another time. Right now, you need to decide if you want to be naked while you do it or have some variation of clothes on."

I chew on my nail while I consider it.

"You want my opinion?"

"Sure."

"If I know you at all, I'm guessing you have an oversized shirt on and yoga pants. How close am I?"

Spot-freaking-on. "Can you see me right now?" Is he outside the window?

"No," he chuckles. "Just take the pants off. If you're wearing panties, lose those, too."

God, if I wasn't overheated before, I am now. His voice is so soothing and I hate it. No, I don't. I like it. A lot.

"You get them off?"

"Yes." I hold the button pusher in front of my face again.

"Just close your eyes."

"Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't do this with you on the phone. I'll have to hang up before I start." I am already in a too-comfortable relationship with him over this.

"I wasn't expecting you to. Or you can mute yourself if you need to."

"Fine." I won't lie, his voice is putting me in the mood more than the ambiance he's guided me through. And if I hang up, I probably won't follow through.

"Mute yourself and just listen. You can hang up whenever."

I put him on speaker, turning the volume all the way down.

"Take deep breaths in and out."

My eyes flutter shut as his voice guides me through the process of my entire body relaxing.

"Is there someone you can picture yourself with right now?"

"You," I say, knowing he can't hear me. But I have nothing and no one else I can say holds the slightest interest. I can't help it, though. He's stupid pretty and has a deep voice that calms me down and he's Lucas-freaking-Kennedy. I've seen him shirtless and remember the feel of his mouth on my neck like something he burned into my memory forever.

His voice is like warm oil dripping all over me. Each low rumble of his voice pushes my heart to work harder and releases butterflies in my stomach.

"Whoever it is, think about what they might be doing to you if they were there right now. Would they kiss you?"

"God, I hope so." I've had far too many dreams thinking about him kissing me. It's what led me to do this tonight.

"Think about the way their lips feel on yours, Allie. The way he's looking into those gorgeous eyes of yours, wishing he was there with you."

It's stupid that I like the way he says my name, but right now it's all I want to hear.

"What might you do if his hand slips up your shirt? Are your nipples hard?"

My hand follows his words up to his chest and my back arches. God, I might not even get to the end of this without falling apart. They're hard and I can't help but imagine his mouth on them, sucking and licking one while pinching the other. Probably because he is explicitly detailing that next to my ear. Telling me they would be perfect wet from sucking.

"Spread your legs just a little and feel around inside. I'll bet it's wet," he says cockily but also with a sex god timbre I will revisit on a later date. "I've thought about how wet you were that night. God, Allie, you were dripping by the time I got inside you."

I don't know if he realizes it or not, but he's doing things to me that he really shouldn't, and what's worse is that I just don't care at the moment when he makes my breath hitch.

"Take your finger and imagine his feeling you from the inside, stroking inside of you while he kisses down your body, licking and nipping your skin."

It's like I can feel his body over mine while he says these things to me. I'm nervous and relaxed. On fire and slowly falling apart.

"Remember the thing I did with my thumb when you were in my lap?"

Every time he brings that night up right now, my thighs clench. "Yeah."

"Put that toy right where I did that, Allie."

My mind doesn't have time to catch up with my body when there's an electric buzz hitting me with a force that shoots my eyes open and sends my senses into overdrive.

"Just like that, Allie. Keep going. Don't stop. Hold it right there. Do you want to know something, Allie?"

He can't hear me, but I'm pretty sure I've said his name too many times now. I've begged him for more and said some things I will take to my grave. I'll let the shame wash over me another day because imagining Lucas Kennedy whispering in my ear while he makes love to me sounds divine right now.

"I can't stop thinking about you. How damn bad I want you in every way possible. I want to come over and watch you before treating your body the way it should be. I want to be by your side and never leave you."

I choke on air but his voice keeps me pinned down to the spot while shocks of energy zing through my legs and tummy.

"Lucas..." I want his words to be real. To be true. I want Lucas Kennedy in every sense.

"God, Allie, I want to just be inside you and stay there. You have no idea how bad I want you. To touch you and hold you. Fuck, I wish I had been there with you all this time."

There's a moment where his voice drowns out under what might be moans loud enough to wake the neighbors, but I don't care. There may have been a light scream in there. It's like being shocked right on this tiny nerve between my thighs controlling my entire being.

But, god, I can't help it. I don't know but I'm pretty sure I died for a second and am coming back to life.

The sheets are soaked under me. Absolutely soaked.

It's a minute before I realize Lucas went quiet and the weight of it all hits me like a wave.

"It's not fair," I say to myself. "Why couldn't we have turned out differently?"

I stare at the black screen wishing he was here. Wishing the things he said were true. I didn't catch most of it but whatever it was it sent me over the edge.

My body is still humming and my legs are shaking, but if he were to start in on that again, I could go all night.

Maybe I should hang up.

I hold the phone in my hand with my thumb hovering over the screen when I notice something.

"Lucas?"

"Hmm?" He sounds strange. Strained?

Oh my god. He heard that. He heard it all. He heard...

"You heard me?"

His breathing gets rougher on the other end.

"Lucas?"

"Yeah. Oh, fuck."

I drop the phone like a hot potato and cover my mouth.

He heard me say his name.