FELIX

There is no guidebook on how to tell the person you're in love with that you're moving three hundred miles away, and even if there was, it doesn't know Stevie like I do. She'll panic, and I don't blame her. It may not be three thousand miles or overseas but when you're so used to having someone near you – six hours seems like a lightyear. We can figure it out though, I know we can but no matter how many times I think I've worked up the courage to share the news, I chicken out and keep the information to myself, that I know, one day I'll regret doing.

I have to tell her, and the longer I wait, the worse it's going to get. Holding onto this for any longer will only make her worry more, like I was trying to hide it from her and I'm not. I'm just terrified because before her, it was an escape. From my family, to have my own life where no one knows me and now it feels like I'm leaving the one person that's ever meant anything.

She changed everything for me.

My whole life became ten times brighter when she became apart of it and losing her is the worst thing I could possibly imagine. If I lose her, I may lose my own mind and I'm not really sure I know how to function without her. For the first time in my life, I have someone to relay on. Someone who's going to be there when I need them.

I can finally exhale.

"Montgomery, can I have a word with you?" Coach Davidson asks, stepping out of his office just off the senior's hallway. Shutting the door to my locker, I nod my head and head his way.

"What's up, coach?" I question when I step into his office, shutting the door behind me.

"I just wanted to check in with you," he says as he sits at his desk. "You haven't talked much about Berkeley, and I wanted to make sure you were still going."

"Oh, uh," I swallow. "Yeah, I just, I haven't really told anyone about that yet."

"Trying to figure out how to tell that girl of yours?" He asks as he clicks through his computer, his attention no longer on me. "You've got to put yourself first, Felix."

"I'm not just a me anymore, coach," I sigh, running my fingers through my hair before leaning into the wall next to his filing cabinet. "It's harder than that."

"It's not," he shakes his head and looks up, turning towards me. "I gave up my opportunity to stay with my high school sweetheart and it didn't work out. I gave up my dream to be with someone that was only temporary. I don't want that to happen to you. You've worked way too hard for this to give it up for a girl."

"I appreciate the pep talk," I stand up straighter, "But Stevie's not temporary."

"Yeah," he smiles softly and lets out a chuckle. "I had a feeling you were going to say that. In that case, you need to tell her soon so you can figure things out and I really hope it works out for you, Felix. You deserve it."

I nod my head and rub the back of my neck, "Thanks."

"Good, if you need to talk, the doors always open."

"I'll keep that in mind," I assure him as I grab the door knob and head back into the hall. My head is spinning as I head toward my chemistry classroom, taking coach's words into consideration as I walk. I know he's right. We need to talk and figure things out, but it's easier said than done.

My fears keeping me from going through with it.

"Whoa," I say as someone walks into my chest, my hands immediately going to their arms as they fall back to keep them upright and it feels like déjà vu when I realize it's Stevie. Her blonde hair messy, her face flustered like she didn't have a good night's rest.

She's overthinking. A usual state for her.

"You okay, Nicks?" I question.

"Oh, hi," she says, meeting my eyes for the first time and realizing it's only me.

"Hi," I chuckle before frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she shakes her head, taking a step into me and my lips curl up as I wrap my arms around her. Enjoying the fact that she takes comfort inside my arms. "I'm just in a weird head space. I'm sorry."

A breath leaves my lips when the apology leaves her, and the fact that she feels the need to apologize for having a bad day. "Nicks, that is the last thing you need to apologize for. We all have our off days."

"I know," she says as she wraps her arms tighter around my torso, like she's holding on for dear life and it only makes me fear what will happen when I finally tell her about Berkeley.

I can't lose her.

"I just feel like I have more than my fair share, and I know it's a lot to deal with," she explains and my heart clenches, because she thinks she's some kind of burden to me when in reality I couldn't love her more. Falling more in love with her everyday. The good ones and the bad.

I shake my head, running my hand up her back. "You are not a lot to deal with. Not even in the slightest."

"I'm sorry," she says again as she steps back from me, covering her face with her hands as if to hide from me. "I'm just having such a weird day. It feels like the day just isn't going to end and Greyson's being weird and my parents aren't working on their relationship they should be and-."

"And you're taking on responsibilities that aren't your burden to take," I cut her off as I take her hands away from her face, smiling in her direction. "Nicks, Greyson will work himself out of the rut he's in. You just need to give him some more time and your parents, they'll figure shit out."

"You sound optimistic."

"That's because I am," I tell her, though I don't know how true it is. Every time I look at her, I feel like I'm lying to her because I'm not giving her this vital piece of news. It stopped only affecting me months ago. It affects Stevie now too."What class do you have next?"

"Biology."

"Great, I have chemistry," I extend my hand. "Let's skip."

Her cheeks turn red as she shakes he head. "What? No."

"Yes, come on," I gesture for her hand again. "You need a distraction."

And so do I.

"Felix, I can't skip class."

"Do you have a test?" I ask.

"No."

"Then I think you'll manage," I assure her, not waiting for her to take my hand and instead taking hers. "Come on, let's go."

I don't know where I'm taking her at first, but my feet carry me through the school until we're standing outside the darkroom she told me about. A few months into dating her, and I still haven't seen her in her element. At her rawest form, and watching her work is like watching a masterpiece being created.

Watching the person you love, do what they love is almost therapeutic and I debate telling her now. All I have to do is start a conversation, and put everything out there. If I do it now, there's a chance that we can come up with a plan. It won't be easy, but Berkeley is only six hours away. We can handle six hours.

It's only six hours.

The more I think it, the more I hope it'll seem like less distance but it does the opposite, because it's not really six hours. It's twelve if you consider both ways. Twelve hours I could spend working on a paper to assure I get a good grade. Twelve hours Stevie could be spending working on her photography, or spending with Isla and Robyn. It'll be six hours just to hold her, to kiss her, to run my fingers through my hair and what if we stop missing each other? Or grow resentful?

What if something goes wrong?

As hard as I try to focus on the good things, the cons are out weighing them and that's all I can focus on. All I can think is that I may lose her, and I may not be able to have both. What if she finds someone else? Someone not six hours away?

What if? What if?

What if we do everything we possibly can to make this work and I still lose her? It's making my head dizzy just thinking about it, because I don't know how to tell her and I'm not sure I will ever fine the right words. It's harder than I ever imagined, and maybe it's hard because everything else has been so simple. Maybe this is our defining moment to know if we work together or not.

Maybe we have to go through this to know we're forever, or maybe I'm making up every excuse I can to push telling her. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Maybe I'll tell her and she'll just look at me with those big blue eyes, a soft smile on her lips and she'll tell me that she loves me and it doesn't matter what distance is between us, because she will always love me.

Or maybe, just maybe, she won't.

And the not knowing how she'll respond is what's keeping me from telling her, because I can't think of a life that doesn't include her. My heart aching just thinking about it, and the longer I keep holding us in this state of simplicity. The more likely I am to screw us over.

And even knowing that, I still can't bring myself to just say it.

a/n;

I have really enjoyed writing in Felix's perspective, and it only made sense to write a chapter to show the struggle Felix went through in telling Stevie about Berkeley. And I hope you enjoyed it! I'm excited about the next bonus chapter - I'll give you a hint about what it's going to be, it's in one of the twins perspectives.

:)

p.s.

can we talk about how cute the new cover @vanillaxbeans made for me is? cause, it's super cute