Cody

Emily asks if we’re going to the school’s dance together over text. I stare at it for far longer than I should. I’ve been pushing her away and she hates it. She can force herself to be around me, but she’ll never turn my back to face her. I’m just too dangerous and I don’t trust myself.

She isn’t a saint either. We share no secrets between us yet Emily still hasn’t told me Andrew and she kissed. I had to find out through Chris. Even that was hard to do. It took a while for me to convince him. Emily isn’t being honest with me but I guess a road goes both ways.

I tried to give Andrew the benefit of the doubt. After what he pulled with Elizabeth, he stopped being my friend but I still pretended to be friendly with him, acting like I didn’t know. I just thought Emily was that one line he would never cross. I guess I was wrong. There isn’t a line with him and that’s good to know. He’s a targeted force of nature. He’ll hurt and destroy everything just to get what he wants. While I’m-

Shit. I’m doing it again.

If she ever wants to find me, I’m here just like I’ve always been; inside our childhood treehouse, we built together. Every single day I hope she comes, but she never does. There isn’t a thing I want more than for Emily to show up. I purposely keep pushing her away even though she’s everything I want. It’s like I’m testing her love for me.

It’s disgusting.

I’m disgusting.

Even by sitting here, waiting for her, I’m doing it again, doing the same thing I did with Elizabeth. I drove her mad and now I’m driving Ems mad as well. It’s my fault but I just can’t seem to stop. Even if I’m aware of it, why can’t I just stop?

It’s my fault Elizabeth died. I drove her to chase bigger high and I had the audacity to get mad at that. Then I did the one thing I never thought I do and made her fear me. We only had one actual conversation after that. Maybe if I tried a little harder, maybe if I asked her what was going on I could’ve saved her. Nothing was right after that night.

Even after everything, Emily forgave me.

I can still hear her words:

“I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore.”

I was afraid that I did that, that I hurt her. That I hurt Emily.

“I hurt you and you didn’t care. Then you hurt me and never apologized.”

I should’ve stopped her from hanging out with Andrew that day.

“I don’t care. Everything that happens after is your fault. I hate you. I was wrong about you.”

I called her a blue flower. I told her she was in the tall grass.

“Well, at least you were right about that.”

And I never spoke with her again.

I like to pretend I’m some deep mysterious character. Often people tell me that my eyes feel like I pierce through their souls. Often times its intentional to add to my character. I like to say meaningless vague deep quotes. I called her a blue flower, more like morning glory. Elizabeth latched on to that, and became obsessed with it. Who knows what she thought it meant? It was just pure nonsense—something I said just to add to the mystery and keep her interested.

I told her she was in the tall grass. She was obsessed with that even more. She took it to mean that she was surrounded by snakes; all of her friends were snakes. It’s the reason she hung out with us more and more throughout the summer. It didn’t mean anything when I first said it, but I took it and used it to push her away from her friends even more.

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

All the manipulation.

And now I want to do it, Emily. That’s why I stay away.

“You’re thinking about her, aren't you?” Emily says below me. “Didn’t think you actually spent the day here,” she pants as she struggles to climb the ladder.

“What are you doing here?”

“I thought you wanted me to come.” She sits next to me.

“I didn’t ask you to.”

I’m doing it again.

“You didn’t have to,” she sighs.

I don’t actually look at her. Her knees are bumping into mine. They’re bare, surrounded by ripped denim. They’re bruised, just like the rest of her body, she hides so much. I then look at the sky when she grabs hold of mine.

“Are you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment?”

“I told you-”

“No, you don’t get to pull that bullshit on me, Cody. You don’t need space. You don’t need to keep your distance. You can’t hurt me, so why can’t you let it go?”

“Because I hit you! Emily!”

I don’t want to become just like my father.

“So?” There’s silence. “Look at me.” More silence. “Cody, look at me,” Ems’ hands grab my cheeks and force my head to turn to her. “Jesus fucking Christ, let it go. She was doing meth! I would blow up like that too if I were you too!”

I break myself free, “So why did you take the hit for her?”

“Dummy,” she lightly shoves me. “How else was I going to calm you down?”

“I don’t want it to happen again.”

“Oh, so you’re going to stop being friends with me?” She laughs. “That’s the stupidest plan you’ve ever thought of. We can work on it together. Your faults are mine, and mine are yours, or do you want to break our promise and not get married when we turn 21?”

What an idiotic promise in hindsight. It’s just a childhood promise that doesn’t work out in reality. Just two dumb little kids living in a world still painted in color. If we were actually serious why did we even date around? Why not just be exclusive from the get-go? To have different experiences before we settle down? It’s just a lie we told ourselves to fuck around.

“Have you been eating lately?” I change the subject.

“Not really,” Emily says weakly. Her faults are my faults then too. “I’ve lost a few pounds. It’s something we can work on together too.”

“Everything alright?”

Emily snorts, “No Cody. Everything’s not alright. Elizabeth’s dead. Everyone blames themselves. It’s been a month and people aren’t giving a shit anymore. The world is moving on like nothing happen while we all are trying to find a way to be okay with it.”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“Ellie?”

“Yeah.”

“I miss her. Everyone does, I guess. Every day gets a bit better, but still. I wonder if we could’ve done things differently.”

“Remember when she got really drunk one night at your place? She wouldn’t shut up about how much she loves you,” I chuckle. Not even sure why the thought crossed my mind.

“Yeah,” Emily laughs. “She wouldn’t get off me! I never felt more groped!”

I turn my head to look at her this time, truly look at her. She’s as beautiful as ever. Her lips always match her fierce red hair. Her freckles scattered lightly across her cheekbones. Her blue eyes scowled, piercing through mine. It’s a trick I taught her but never uses it unless it's me. I watch her as her little laugh calms down back to her little smile.

“She really was the life of the party each time,” Ems sighs. “Even after doing Molly and Coke, she kept herself together so well.”

“Like it’s special, you manage just fine.”

“It’s because I am special, Cody-kin,” Emily playfully shoves me.

“Special needs, maybe,” I laugh.”

“Asshole!” Emily laughs, headbutting my shoulder. Her hair gets everyone on my face.

“You ever gonna cut your hair, I’m tired of being suffocated by it.”

“The day I cut my hair is the day the world ends.”

It’s this. Shit like this makes my heart jump. It’s proof enough that my feelings for my best friend are genuine. It’s also proof that I shouldn’t be scared. I can be myself. There’s no persona, no mask when I’m around her. I’m safe here.

“Cody, I um, can I tell you something?”

“Hmm?”

“I want to be together. Exclusive. I think it’s time.”

“Is that why you kissed him?”

I feel Emily jerk back. The mood instantly changes around us and I immediately regret saying that. “Who told-,” she pauses. “Is-is this what it’s really about? What the fuck. At least he doesn’t ignore me.”

“He doesn’t give a shit about you. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone.”

“Oh, and you do? Great way of showing it, Cody!”

A part of me wants to see how far I can take this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“He asked me out to the dance. Thought I gave you one more chance before I said yes or no. I guess I have my answer now,” she says so softly, so somber.

“You deserve better.”

“Become better,” she says. “Become better, because I only want you,” Emily stands up. “I’ve only wanted you. I haven’t dated anyone in two years because I’ve been waiting for you. I love you, Cody. I’m so madly in love with you but I can’t keep waiting forever. So I’m going to have a fling with Andrew now, and you aren’t going to stop me. He’s going to hurt me, make me cry, and ruin my life for a little while. And when that happens, I hope you truly get your shit together, stop being a little bitch and come chase after me because I’m done waiting.”

“Ems, you’re being-”

Emily unwraps the bandana I gave her and tosses it on top of my lap. “I’m not going to be your little plaything like Elizabeth. I thought I was more important than that.”

“You’re not!”

“Fuck you, Cody. Stop acting like you care.”

That’s the last thing she says before leaves. I want to chase after her. I want to tell her that I want the same thing. I want her too but I’m just too fucking stupid and stubborn. I even climb down the tree house but my legs are unable to move. I can only watch as everything crumbles around me. Reality starts to set in.

Only now do I realize how much in my head I was.

Everything I did to Elizabeth, I just did to Emily. A smile creeps in as I realize no matter what I do, Emily will always love me. She’ll always be there. It’s that hold of the power that I’m so disgusted by. Even if I didn’t mean to, it all happens just the way I want.

I’m so fucking disgusting.

All I do is manipulate. It’s fun, it’s power. It’s all a game to me. And now a girl is dead because of it.

Did I ever even care about Ellie?