I've been having late nights

But I can't seem to care about the sleep I'm losing

Because it seems to be the only time I allow myself to feel anything

Allow myself to cry

To listen to the same music on repeat and know that I'll never feel this way through the day

During the night when the light's gone out

And the darkness comes

I'm allowed to feel things because I understand

During the day I'm an outsider

There's a darkness within me while everything else is bright

During night

We are one and the same

I understand what it likes to cry because you can't feel anything

To cry because you hate yourself more than anyone else

Always wanting to die because you feel like you don't deserve life

For two years I've suffered through this

While faking it with laughs that aren't genuine

To the point that I don't know what my true laugh sounds like

Or smile

Everything is forced

The scars I have caused on myself are a reminder of how I can't feel anything but the numbness

The pain they brought to me is long since gone

Wiped away from existence

But the memories they hold will never fade

I'm alive but I'm not living

If this is life

Then I don't want it

I'm tired of the charades of pretending to be happy

For the sake of someone else

Where is my happiness?

Has it disappeared like my friends all did?

My body's sick and I won't listen

Because nothing I feed it will heal a broken soul

A broken mind

The ruination I caused was my fault

I'm the problem and I always have been

Late nights are the only time I'll allow myself to feel anything

And to the one time that I feel something during the day

Maybe the sad night times will finally start to fade away