《Painful Words》Night Times
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I've been having late nights
But I can't seem to care about the sleep I'm losing
Because it seems to be the only time I allow myself to feel anything
Allow myself to cry
To listen to the same music on repeat and know that I'll never feel this way through the day
During the night when the light's gone out
And the darkness comes
I'm allowed to feel things because I understand
During the day I'm an outsider
There's a darkness within me while everything else is bright
During night
We are one and the same
I understand what it likes to cry because you can't feel anything
To cry because you hate yourself more than anyone else
Always wanting to die because you feel like you don't deserve life
For two years I've suffered through this
While faking it with laughs that aren't genuine
To the point that I don't know what my true laugh sounds like
Or smile
Everything is forced
The scars I have caused on myself are a reminder of how I can't feel anything but the numbness
The pain they brought to me is long since gone
Wiped away from existence
But the memories they hold will never fade
I'm alive but I'm not living
If this is life
Then I don't want it
I'm tired of the charades of pretending to be happy
For the sake of someone else
Where is my happiness?
Has it disappeared like my friends all did?
My body's sick and I won't listen
Because nothing I feed it will heal a broken soul
A broken mind
The ruination I caused was my fault
I'm the problem and I always have been
Late nights are the only time I'll allow myself to feel anything
And to the one time that I feel something during the day
Maybe the sad night times will finally start to fade away
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