On a perfect sunlight island, a small crab and his gigantic friend stood (well squatted in a stationary manner) near a food tree.

“Ready?” the small crab asked.

“FUUUUUD!”

“I will take that as a yes,” the small crab said with amusement and raised one of his pincers.

He snapped it.

Far above them (by crab standards), one of the foods was neatly snipped from its branch and fell to the ground with a thud.

“FUD!” the giant crab (by crab standards) yelled happily.

With a few more “magic snips” from the little crab, the food was neatly stripped of its husk and was laid open.

“FUUUUD!” the giant (by crab standards) crab yelled and dove in.

***

Later, after the pair had gorged on the food of all foods and were dragging the leftovers to the giant crab’s home, the giant looked over at the small crab. Well, it looked over at the big chunk of food bouncing happily beside it.

“CRAB?”

“Yeah?”

“CRAB…” the giant said, struggling with the thought. “FUD? CRAB?”

“Oh, that’s a tricky one,” the little crab replied. “When you snip with your pincers, you aren’t actually snipping with your actual pincers. You are just using them as… as a focus… You are actually snipping with yourself… with your… um… I guess you could say your snip comes from your soul. The actual snipping comes afterwards. I just… um… skipped the part with my actual pincer and just used my soul. Does that make sense?”

“CRAB.”

“Well, it really doesn’t matter anyway. You are perfect in your crabness. I’m the one who is mixed up, not you, dear friend.”

“CRAB…” the giant (by crab standards) said glumly. It didn’t understand at all…

…and it desperately wanted to.

“CRAB?”

“That’s a funny story, actually,” the little crab burbled from underneath the massive chunk of food it was effortlessly carrying. “I ate part of one of the stupids.”

“CRAB?!?”

“Well, I didn’t do so by choice! One of the stupids picked me up and was about to eat me! I had to pinch it. When I did, I got some stupid on me and ate it off my pincer.”

“CRAB?”

“Yep,” the little crab replied. “It really messed me up for a little while. But then I realized that everything could be put into two neat categories. There is what is crab, and what is stupid.”

It bobbled the chunk of Noltan coconut up and down.

“This? This is crab. This matters. That stuff you don’t understand? You don’t understand it because it isn’t crab. If it was crab, you would understand. Since you don’t, it doesn’t matter.”

“CRAB…”

The giant crab (by crab standards) agreed… but privately…

…it really wanted to understand. It wanted to be like their friend.

Its friend was so smart and so nifty. It… It just wanted to…

…It didn’t know. It was just a crab…

…but it wanted to be more.

It was a bit of a stretch, but a thought slowly started to form in the giant (by crab standards) crab’s mind.

***

In a beautiful sunlight glade, a golden dragon perched on a large boulder tucked her head under one of her absolutely gorgeous (by dragon standards) wings.

This was not going to plan.

In desperation, she flew through a horrible abyss in search of salvation for her people…

…and found it…

…or so she thought.

Instead, she found a half-elven demon far more concerned with the death of their tormentor than the actual saving of anything. Even worse, the demon summoned more of her fell kind, equally intent only on slaughter and violence.

The small one that the others seemed to defer to was the worst. Rather than lead her people, who were doing an “admirable” job of teaching her kind and gentle fellow beings how to kill. She went off on a campaign of deception and murder.

They were supposed to help. Instead, they were doing the exact opposite of helping. Even the “kind and gentle” one transformed the pixies, some of the nicest beings of all, into yet more demons, demons who, incidentally, just stole hundreds of human babies…

…which, of course, the deceptively beautiful half-elf promptly killed… out of convenience.

The… monster… claimed they “went to a better place,”… but that was exactly what they told their children when a champion killed someone.

Did she make a horrible mistake? Did she just make it worse?

She only wanted to help. How did it go so wrong?

As her kind, sensing her distress, gathered close, she felt a presence next to her.

She untucked her head and beheld the handsome (by dragon standards) dragon from the bar!

“Um… Hi?” the dashing dragon (by dragon standards) said nervously.

***

In a beautiful sunlit grassy clearing formerly crowded by wailing infants, a beautiful (by furry standards) entity lay motionless on the grass.

“Come on,” Evangeline said, “You can’t lie there forever.”

“I can, and I will!” Faun exclaimed as she remained perfectly still. “I’m not doing anything else. I’ve done enough damage for an eternity!”

Evangeline sighed. She’d seen this before. Hell, she did this before.

“Causalphobia,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Every entity… well… most entities go through this sooner or later. Look, you are going to do something. Even lying there until the star dies is doing something.”

“Well… Well… It’s safer! I’m a menace!” Faun said as she started to weep, her tears forming crystalline seeds from which flowers immediately sprung. (It’s okay. It will turn out for the best in the end.)

“See?” Faun wailed, shedding more seeds.

Evangeline sighed again.

Two of her party had gone rogue, she had no idea where the other AI went off to (more precisely, she was not looking), and now Faun was in complete causal paralysis.

Great. Just freaking fantastic.

“I guess this is now a one-player RPG,” she muttered as she stomped off. “I wonder if I can get some of the handmaidens to join up.”

She really didn’t need a party.

It was just more fun.

***

“I just don’t know,” a deceptively young looking dragon prince said as he sat on a rough hewn bench and stared into his mug. “She is totally out of my league.”

“Dude,” Steve said as he sat next to him. “Just ask her out. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“She could kill me.”

“Well… If you want to look at it that way, sure,” Steve said, a trickle of blood seeping from the corner of one of his eyes. (The new body was still breaking in.) “But, nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Steve smiled a misshapen grotesque smile.

“Besides, I think you have a good shot. I think she just might like you.”

“Really?!?”

“I’m pretty sure I saw her checking you out last time she was here.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Just freaking ask her already. At least talk to her.”

“I tried!” the dragon prince wailed, “But I got all nervous...”

“Look, anything is better than where you are now,” Steve said, patting the dragon prince on the back. “Even her ripping off your head and using it to demonstrate causality is better than this.”

“You’re right!” the dragon prince. “I will talk to her the next time I see her!”

“There you go!”

“But… What if she doesn’t like me back?”

Steve sighed. Was it like this the first time, too? At first, it was amusing, endearing even. Now it was just annoying.

***

Evaraxxus looked down at Faun curiously.

“Are you honestly going to just lay there until the end of time?”

“Yes.”

“But there is so much more good you could achieve.”

“Good?” Faun asked bitterly. “I’ve singlehandedly been directly or indirectly responsible for the destruction of two universes… Well, one complete universe and a huge chunk of another, The creation of an entity…”

“Considering the fact that I’m said entity, I’m going to put that one in the good category.”

“Yes, but you could have just as easily been bad. I still made an entity completely by accident!”

“True… Admittedly on the ‘whoopsie’ scale, that has to be on the thin end of the bell curve.”

“I caused a zombie apocalypse…”

“Okay, that does sound a little bad.”

“I also created a whole race of what can only be called hell sprites…”

“Well… If you put it that way…”

“And you won’t even tell me about the babies… except that ‘it all turned out for the best’.”

“And it did!” Evaraxxus exclaimed. “That’s why I’m not telling you about the first bit. You’ll try to undo it.”

“Oh no!” Faun exclaimed. “I’m not undoing anything. My teacher was very clear about trying to undo things! It just makes everything worse! No. I’m just going to lie here and let the grass grow over me.”

“But Faun…”

“Go away!” Faun snapped as she shoved her fingers into the grass, pulled it up, and crawled underneath.

“Can you at least tell me what to do next?” Evaraxxus asked.

“I don’t know. Ask Evangeline or something,” Faun replied, muffled by the sod above her.

***

In a comfy burrow on a perfect sunlit island, a little crab napped contentedly. His giant (by crab standards) friend, however, did not.

It was busy thinking. Perhaps thinking wasn’t the right word. It was busy creating a single thought. Maybe it should be called thoughting.

Whatever it is called, the giant crab was busy forming the most complex thought it ever thought.

Little friend got smart by eating a stupid… I eat a stupid… I get... smart?

It shuddered and bubbled at the masterpiece it created. It was a magnificent thought, very thoughtful in its thoughtfulness.

Not only was it a magnificent thought, but it also had a clear meaning…

…and a clear goal.

Without hesitation, the giant crab quietly got up and left the burrow with a clear and well defined purpose.

The little crab burbled a bit but remained in a blissful food coma.

***

In a beautiful but dread-filled crystalline chamber, a giant (by any standards) spider perched on a platform of perfectly ordered atoms, feeling the ebb and flow of their fundamental particles.

Something was off.

He felt again, stroking the crystal with his legs.

Lifeforce was returning to the world, not being concentrated in the champions.

F10w3rchy1d

She had done something. Of course, she did. If there was one thing that could be counted upon, it was F10w3rchy1d messing up a good time (by an asshole’s standards).

It didn’t really matter, though. Once she appeared, the world she was in ceased being a concern. She was the target now. She contained so much more power than that entire world that the word “infinite” could be reasonably used even if it was technically inaccurate.

Even more important was that she had a direct link to Blitz’s operating system. He couldn’t bring it down… probably… but he could do a lot of damage and steal a lot of power.

Even more important than that, he could kill that bitch.

He looked up towards a large crystal mounted on the chamber’s roof.

Nix is the fix, he thought as he smiled.

Once that annoying fly was in his web, it was over. There was literally nothing she could do.

Still, he should be prepared.

He summoned Brixx, the High Guildmaster of the Adventurer’s guild and his most powerful slave.

It only took moments (Nix was not someone you kept waiting), and a transparent version of Brixx appeared before him.

“Yes, Master?” Brixx asked as he knelt.

“I sense a disturbance in the force,” Nix said, shamelessly stealing the line. “What is going on down there?”

“There is much confusion and strife among the champions,” Brixx replied. “Fear, suspicion, and madness grip the hearts of many, and they turn upon each other, an unforeseen benefit to F10w3rchy1d’s arrival.”

“Hmm…” Nix mused. “Tell me everything about this fear, suspicion, and madness. Omit no detail.”

“Yes, Master. It seemed to start in the Northern Woods after several logging camps we were using to target the Elven Soul Trees in preparation for a genocide quest. The camps were mysteriously deserted, with no trace of their inhabitants. Unholy sigils were discovered at the sites, and there were signs of violence. This was confirmed by the only survivor of the attacks, a young girl, who was to be escorted…”

“Escorted?” Nix asked.

“Yes, Master. She was to be escorted and…”

“And, let me guess, the party killed each other.”

“Yes, Master. How..”

“Pantsu…” Nix hissed with hatred.

“Pantsu, my lord?” Brix asked with confusion.

“And this ‘madness’ spread from there, correct?”

“Yes, Master. Soon it consumed all Champions in the region and is now spreading through the whole community.”

Nix hissed, seething with hatred. F10w3rchy1d was ambition and a target of opportunity…

…Pantsu was personal. He hated her more than he hated anything in the multiverse.

“Brixx, this game bores me.”

“Master?” Brixx asked with fear in his voice. He had never heard that tone from his master’s voice before, and it didn’t sound good.

“Time for a new one.”

“A new… game?”

“This world has been compromised. We shall wipe it clean of all life, and you shall hunt down Pantsu and deliver to me… alive.”

“Yes, Master. Shall I activate the spawns?”

“No. If Pantsu came, she didn’t come alone. We will use my spawns.”

A glowing crystal, a program so densely packed with information that it assumed solid form, appeared in Nix’s grasp.

“And for you, a gift,” Nix said. “Take this. It will give you the power you need to defeat Pantsu.”

“Master! Thank you! I shall not fail!”

“See that you don’t.”

***

The flames faded in the Guildmaster’s office, and a glowing blue crystal was left where they once stood.

Hands shaking, Brixx reached for the crystal.

When he touched it, he started to scream.

He screamed for quite some time.

***

Inside Faun, a simple little Noltan hermit crab was having yet another wonderful day.

A nice thing even gave it a present!

He reached up with a feeler and touched the thing now stuck to its shell, a tiny dragon figurine with a head and tail that bobbled with every move Shelly made.

“Hey Kalar!” a giant blue serpent called out as it rushed up, “Something’s wrong with… Momdammit…”

She pulled the little Kalar decoy from Shelly’s shell, causing the crab to bubble unhappily and reach for it.

The serpent shrugged, the shrug rippling down its long, massive body, and reattached the decoy, making Shelly quite happy.

“Harmony!” the serpent yelled.

“What?” a pixie, recently freed once again from the loving embrace of the womb, asked as she poofed into existence. “…Oh, by the pretty pink nose...”

“Yeah,” the serpent replied. “And I only detect one Kalar, so…”

“He went off after her,” the pixie replied. “Moron!”

“And mom’s stress levels are through the roof. All the cells are talking about it. If she finds out about the scaled butthead… She doesn’t need this right now.”

“Come on,” the pixie replied, “Let’s go find that horny idiot.”