Digital Daggers - Where the Lonely Ones Roam

When I walked out into the hall I was met by a scowling Ailech, which seemed to be his permanent expression when he had to be alone with Ember for any length of time.

"Do you know how boring your classes are for me? A man can only nap so often. I need a hobby."

"You need a girlfriend."

I winked at Ember, breaking my speaking rule just to annoy Ailech. His scowl darkened as Ember blushed, her eyes dropping to the ground, looking mortified yet pleased.

"Well, you seem in a lovely mood."

Ailech muttered back to me as he led the way to my second lesson of the day, Levi, who would work with my mental blocks.

I was in a surprisingly good mood, considering the distaste I had for my last tutor. I knew it was because of Abby, because immediately when he had joined, he had taken my side, because he had given me the benefit of the doubt. It felt good, having someone not expect the worst from me. I liked the feeling. I also liked that my 'trainings' seemed to not be as useless as I had expected.

I had already learned from Zodiac how to work at saving energy in my shields, something I wouldn't have ever come up with on my own. I'd already had a great sparring session with the copper-haired brothers, and now I knew I had another Gift; Sight. I wasn't even upset that James had the same Gift, that maybe the only reason I had it was because he did. I was also glad to see my lesson with Levi would be in one of the indoor forests the Vault housed. I liked that I could sit in its center and not even know it was an illusion, that I wasn't truly outside in the open air.

Ailech left soon after we arrived to get a book from his room so he'd have something to do during my training. He smirked as he said he didn't expect me to have any trouble with Levi, that he would be 'supremely surprised' if our training turned south and became violent. Once Ailech had disappeared through the door Ember looked as if she might cry if I sat next to her on the bench, so instead, I walked along one of the loosely winding paths through the trees. I found a small clearing near the center of the wood, and sat, looking up at the fake sky high overhead.

In some ways the little clearing reminded me of a place I hadn't thought of in weeks, months, my secret place. Though the clearing I was sitting in was much smaller than the one in my own woods, it was similarly shaped, with similar plants quietly growing all around me, similar smells. I wished it still seemed peaceful to me, but instead the similarities just made me think of my dreams, my visions or trances, all of which had taken me to my secret place, only to be invaded by the Collector. I hated that my clearing was no longer mine.

"Don't worry, this can be your place now. He won't ever come here."

My eyes flew open at the sound of a young voice and I cursed that I hadn't sensed anyone there, it would take a long time for me to be as good as my Pair was in that area, to constantly be on the watch, on guard. It sounded exhausting. My eyes rose to the noise and I saw a boy sitting on a branch of one of the closer trees to me, swinging his legs beneath him, his feet bare.

"How did you know that's what I was thinking of? Can you see minds too?"

I felt a little spark of excitement at being able to meet someone like me, though I wondered why the boy in front of me was going to teach me blocks, not about my Gift. He looked awfully young too, though I knew that didn't mean anything, not really. Chi was young, but she had still been able to accomplish so much.

A sliver of pain wedged itself further into my heart at the thought of her, of her Clan, of Syn. I pushed the memory from my mind, wanting to get the training started so I would have a distraction. I never thought of my pain, my past, when I was in my tutoring sessions, at least so far I hadn't. Even my thoughts of Gabriel with Grayson hadn't been as painful as they were when I was alone. My emotions didn't beat at the walls in my mind as much when I had something else to focus on.

"Who's Syn? And Chi? Why do they hate you?"

The boy spoke again, pulling me from my thoughts. I felt a ripple of annoyance at his question. What right did he have to know about my past? And Syn didn't hate me, he couldn't, he was dead.

"I'm sorry he died."

I glared up at him now, sick of him in my head.

"Levi, I take it?"

"Leviticus Harp, but people only call me that when I'm in trouble."

He smiled before jumping to the ground, landing lightly. He looked maybe nine, though not the way Gabriel had looked at nine, like a miniature, gangly version of himself. This boy looked like a small nine, the kind that got picked on often. He had jet black hair and light blue eyes, striking in an eerie way. His hair reminded me of James', Gabriel's, but I shuttered the thought away, not wanting his next question to be about my Pair.

"I'm actually only eight, but I am still small for my age. And I don't get bullied, people stay away from me. I stay here usually anyway. I like the forest."

I still felt annoyed, but I also felt bad for the kid. I understood what it was like to have people avoid you. I had never minded, but I assumed this kid did.

"I don't really mind being alone, don't worry. It's quieter that way."

The forest was quiet, quiet, and peaceful and clean. Fresh air with a breeze that even I couldn't tell was faked. I begrudgingly understood how the boy felt, cursing Abby in my head for setting me up with this kid as my tutor. He was trying to force me to be friendly, trying to get me to be nice to people, to talk to people, to 'connect'.

A cold thought hit me then, of the little boy being tortured by the Collector, killed by him, just to get to me, just to hurt me. Anyone I was close to was a target, didn't Abby know that? How could he put this child in that danger?

"The bad man can't get me here, Abby won't let him. Abby wouldn't let anything happen to any of us. He loves us, and protects us. The bad man might be powerful in a lot of ways, but he can't come here, otherwise he would have already, he would have come for a lot of us here, not just you."

The boy smiled at me as if I should feel reassured, but I wasn't. The Collector could find a way, I was sure of it. He was just biding his time, though for what I wasn't sure.

"You're paramoid."

"It's paranoid, kid, with an n, not an m."

"You don't have to talk out loud you know."

"Neither do you."

The boy smiled again, walking over to me now. I let my Gift run from my mind as he got closer.

I like you.

Thanks.

You don't like me?

I don't like anyone.

That's a lie. Abby says lying is a terrible habit, that it leads to hurting people.

Well, I'm a terrible person with many terrible habits.

That's a lie too. I can tell you're lying because you like Chi and Syn and Abby and James and Kael and Nevaeh and Ailech and Zodiac. You don't like Grayson, but he's mean. You like-

Enough! I don't like any of them, maybe Kael, but the rest I only tolerate. And I hate James, I don't like him, I hate him. Understand?

It's impossible to lie to me, you know. I'm your own mind, in a way.

Well then get out of my mind.

...I can't.

Then I realized what he had meant when he said the forest was quiet. He hadn't meant actually quiet as in without noise, he had meant in his head. He couldn't turn his Gift off, lock it away like I could.

Suddenly I had a picture in my mind of never having silence, never having peace. Always having voices and thoughts and memories running through your mind from the people surrounding you. Never being able to retreat into your own head because others were there too. How overwhelming that would be, how awful. I would go insane if I had to deal with a constant flow of others' minds in mine, if I had grown up like that. How had it been for the kid when he was even younger, when he hadn't known what was going on, but could still never have silence, never have rest? I wouldn't want to hear everything everyone thought, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It's not as bad as you think, some people are quiet, like Ailech and Abby. Ailech's practically my brother now. He lost his and I never had a family, so we're good together. He can teach me without hurting my head, without being so loud all the time, and I'm here for him since he's always so lonely. He needs someone to need him.

He isn't lonely, he's bored.

Bored doesn't make you cry at night. Oh, but don't tell him I told you that. He sleeps over sometimes. I'm not supposed to know.

When did he lose his brothers?

Abby says I'm not supposed to talk about that. He says I shouldn't know some of the things I do, that it'll get me in trouble. You don't have a family either, so you can be my sister if you want.

My jaw tightened at his thoughts, an ache deep in my chest growing along with the reappearance of my headache.

You don't want me as a sister.

Yes I do, you're nice, and you like Ailech. We'll be like a family.

I don't want a family. And I don't like Ailech.

You lie a lot.

And you're very nosy.

I can't help it.

I paused for a moment, not knowing what to say. I couldn't blame him for his Gift, and I couldn't bring myself to be cold to him either, he was just a kid. I would have to talk to Abby about his underhanded tactics. This pairing was just cruel.

How are you supposed to teach me blocks?

The boy shrugged before grabbing my hand and walking toward another trail leading out of the clearing.

I don't know. I'm just a kid.

He smiled up at me, but I could see the mischief in his eyes. I could tell he was supposed to teach me by immersion, putting me in a situation where I had to either learn or allow him to continuously rummage through my mind. That's what he had done with Ailech. Ailech had had a good block to begin with, but not enough to always keep Levi out when they first met. Within a week Ailech's block had strengthened, and continued to until now, years later,q his mind was completely silent to the little boy, to everyone. Ailech's mind was probably more heavily guarded than Abby's at his point, just from sheer exposure to his adoptive sibling, from wanting to give him peace.

So, I'm supposed to learn on my own? You aren't going to teach me?

Nope.

Ailech had the start to a block when he first met you, I have nothing. I don't even know where to begin. Someone told me once that it is very difficult. This just doesn't seem like the best way.

Abby thinks it's the best way.

Abby has ulterior motives.

Abby's almost always right though. Everyone has certain core traits and his is wisdom. I know because I've seen it. He knows all kinds of things because he's really old. Plus, Abby wants your mind to be the most protected it can possibly be, he thinks you'll need it against the bad man, and Ailech has the best block at the Vault because of me. I think Abby's hoping you get the same thing. I'm sure someone here could teach you, but it wouldn't be as good as what you can get from me. At least that's what Abby thinks, and he's almost always right.

Levi smiled at me again, still pulling me by the hand through the woods. He acted so young sometimes, though he spoke almost like an adult other times. He was an odd mixture of childishness and insight. It was endearing in a way I wished it wasn't.

Why don't you want to like me? You already do, you know, a little.

I stared up at the trees in frustration, understanding the pleading looks Grayson had given his ceiling. How could I possibly explain to a child why I didn't want to care about anyone? Why it was useless for someone like me?

I don't think you're a monster.

I never said I was.

It's in your mind though. Do you not want to like others because you don't like yourself? That's kinda weird. Ailech doesn't like himself, but he still likes me.

Why doesn't Ailech like himself?

Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that either.

You didn't say it, you thought it.

Now it was my turn to smile down at the little boy, who returned the expression twice as large.

He doesn't like himself because he couldn't save his brothers. He's guilty and angry, and those things feed each other. It's a bad cycle, but he doesn't talk about it with me much, he thinks I'm too young for such bad thoughts. But if he can like me, then you can too, even if you don't like yourself, though I think you'll like yourself more with time, you just have to grow up a little.

I don't think growing up will make me a better person, the opposite actually.

You aren't a monster though, you're a Half.

Same thing.

You're funny.

I could see the woods thinning before us, and soon I saw Ailech and Ember sitting on opposite sides of the bench. Ailech was reading, and Ember watching him, fairly blatantly, a look of adoration in her wide eyes.

Ew, she likes him, like like-likes him.

I smiled down at him again.

Yes, she does.

Does he like her?

What do you think?

She's so loud, it hurts my head.

Do you want to go back in the woods?

I want Ailech to come with us, but we'll have to talk out loud then.

I don't really talk to him.

You should, the bad man already wants him, so being his friend won't put him in more danger. It won't be like Syn. If anything will make you a monster, it'll be pushing others away, ignoring your other half, the non-Half half. That's what he wants, the bad man. Abby calls it becoming hard. It might sound like a way to be strong, but it actually just makes you bad. Being soft is a good thing. Abby explains it better than me though, but I think he wants you to figure it out on your own. Don't tell him I told you, please.

Why does the bad man want Ailech?

Dunno. Something about his power.

Then how did his brother's die?

I'm not supposed to know about that.

How do you know the Collector wants him?

The bad man. Wanting to collect something doesn't make you a collector. And since he'll never collect us, he isn't a collector, just a bad man.

Okay, the bad man.

I heard Abby think it, why he keeps him at the Vault all the time. Abby sometimes can't keep me out of his mind like Ailech can.

Ailech looked up as we got closer, Ember looking down at the ground as she realized I had seen her watching him.

"You're really loud."

Levi stood half behind me as he spoke to her, like he was trying to block her thoughts with my body.

"And I don't think Ailech would like your thoughts about him. And his beard is scratchy. I know because it pokes me when he hugs me, but it doesn't feel good so I don't know why you think it would."

Ember turned so red she was almost purple before standing and walking along one of the walls toward a small pond. Ailech stifled a laugh once he thought she was out of earshot.

"Want to walk with us, brother? I think Jordan needs some help with where to start with her block, though she isn't very noisy."

Ailech's eyes lit up when he saw my hand clasped in Levi's and he closed his book with a snap, leaving it on his seat as he walked toward us.

"Want a ride?"

He crouched down when he got close, speaking to Levi in a playful tone. I had never seen him look so pleasant, without even the hint of a scowl on his face. Levi nodded and dropped my hand, climbing onto Ailech's back quickly, a huge smile on his face. We walked back to the trees' perimeter in silence. Once on the trail again, Levi spoke up.

"Jordan doesn't talk to you because she thinks people she talks to die, but it only happened to one person so far, so it isn't everyone. And she says she doesn't like people but she does. She lies a lot, but I don't think they're bad lies. She's just really mad about things, and at people, and herself. You two should talk, you're really similar."

Ailech laughed and readjusted his human backpack, ignoring his words and speaking to me instead.

"So, you need help with your mental block? Well, this guy will strengthen one once you get it pretty quick, but the first thing you need to do is be able to feel when someone's in your head. Once you got that down, I can help you with the building blocks of, well, a block."

The rest of our walk consisted of me trying to search my mind for some kind of foreign presence while trying to not think of anything Levi might comment on. He and Ailech chatted while I searched, but I felt discouraged by my lack of progress when my lesson finally ended.

"Don't worry, it might take you a while."

Ailech was strangely nice as we walked to my next tutoring, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was in a good mood from spending time with Levi, or because he knew something about my next lesson I didn't. Regardless, I tried to not reply to his conversations attempts, not willing to completely forego my plan to stand alone at the Vault.

Levi might think he knew everything about me, but he didn't know about my Clan, or hardly, at least. He didn't know that every time I got close to someone, it ended in pain and sadness. I didn't want to go through that again. I couldn't.