The Spill Canvas – Your Evil Soul

I awoke in a cold, cavernous room, my mouth felt dry and my head swam as I tried to make out my surroundings. A man stood with his back to me and I thought it was James for a moment, but then my vision cleared and I noticed his stance, his shoulders, the way he held his head. He was built closer to Kael than James.

I tried to move, but wasn't the least bit surprised when I found that I couldn't. I was tied to the chair I sat in, rather thoroughly, which was bolted to the floor, also maddeningly thoroughly. A dull metal gleamed from my wrists and ankles; electrum. I swore in my head. Kael had taught me about the rare metal, strong enough to bind even a Half if enchanted by the blood of a higher percentage, able to be cursed or blessed. It could render a Darkling's Sign or Gifts useless, if the enchantment was perfect, if the warlock was strong enough, well-read enough. Kael had said he was good enough to do most anything with it, and I knew Nevaeh's electrum whip was proof of his aptitude. Unfortunately, a member of this Clan seemed to be just as good, or they owed someone an expensive favor.

I glanced around, but there was nothing near me, no way to free myself from the damned chair I was stuck in. Instead, I glared at the man in front of me, fuming. I was frustrated that all my work, all my perfectionism in killing my targets, honing my skills had so easily been thwarted by some stupid vision of James' eyes. I was sure he hadn't really been there. I hadn't felt him. I should have felt him if it was really him. I sat silently, glaring at the man who seemed oblivious to my new-found consciousness.

I cleared my throat after a minute or two, bored with the waiting game. The man half-turned then, but said nothing, he merely looked at me with light brown eyes, little flecks of gold in them, before turning to the door he was facing, his back to me once more. He was tall and tan, with light brown hair that matched his eyes, but he wasn't anything special, just large like an animal, like a grizzly.

"Strong, silent type. I like that."

I spoke after the silence of the room began to drive me mad. He ignored this as well, continuing to stare at the door. I tried to open my Gift, to dive into his mind, but it was like it was missing. I silently cursed the electrum before closing my eyes again.

I don't know how long I waited, how long I sat there silently, eyes closed, trying to think of an escape plan, but eventually, I heard a quiet tap and then a loud grating noise. I peeked out from one eye to see the door the man faced slowly open, scraping along the ground heavily as it did. The slight woman from the ambush walked in, she looked even tinier compared to the big room, the big man. She pulled back her hood, shaking the snow from it and I saw she was even smaller than I had thought, she looked young too, maybe sixteen. I swore in my head again. I had been captured by a child.

She had deep skin that made me think of how well she must hide in shadows, even in the dim room her expression was almost difficult to make out, and I had never had an issue seeing in low light. I scowled as I realized the electrum made me useless, basically human. She had her hair cut short and wild, with pretty roasted-coffee brown eyes peering out from a round face.

Young wasn't a good enough word to describe her, she looked infantile, infantile and dark. Everything, even her jacket and jeans, were hues of brown or black. She reminded me of a sparrow, or maybe a bat, or some other small, flying creature. Or a baby deer, something about her seemed like a fawn. My scowl deepened as I felt a wave of shame for being so easily captured by a kid and the others she played house with.

"Hello, I'm Chimarah, but you can call me Chi. I'm the leader of this Clan, five of us. This is Syn, he doesn't speak, but don't take that personal like. Spade, Horn n' Halo are the others, but they're slightly tied up at the..."

She glanced to the cords holding me to my chair and seemed to regret her choice of words, squeezing her eyes shut for a brief moment.

"We didn't want ta have ta result ta trickin' you into...visitin' with us, but we didn't have much of a choice."

"But J-Gabriel..."

I couldn't call him James anymore, that wasn't who he was anymore, at least not to me. As far as I was concerned that man died the moment I learned who he really was. Gabriel, a monster, a demon, and the worst betrayal I would ever know. He hadn't been there anyway, I knew that. I just needed confirmation.

"I don't know who you mean, but that was Syn. He can make anyone see the thing they desire or despise or fear the most...for you it's apparently a three-way split. He's got lots of talents like that. Nasty trick, I know, but I didn't want you ta hurt my brothers. We needed just a second to have the plan work. And I didn't want there ta be any violence in your rescue and you looked like you weren't planning ta go down without a fight."

"Rescue! This isn't a rescue, this is a capture! I don't need to be saved! I'm doing exactly what I want!"

I struggled against my restraints, suddenly wanting to smash the petite woman's head in and see her dark blood run from her dark skin but she merely looked back at me, sadness in her eyes as she turned to leave. I yelled after her, telling her to not dare turn her back on me, to not leave me, that I would kill her, but the door clicked behind her regardless of my threats. Syn continued to stand at his post, his back to me.

The next evening Chi came back, this time with a tall, slender man with even, beautiful skin that matched her own. He was handsome in a regal way, the perfect picture of a modern prince. My mind drifted to the gene-lottery a child of his and Nevaeh's would have before forcing the thought of her from me.

"This is Spade, he's the healer of our group. Don't try ta hurt him now, he just wants ta see what he can do ta help your...your um, bind ta...your...well, your blood addiction."

She said the last part quickly, as if embarrassed for me. I felt the fear that had been growing since my arrival surge. I didn't want to go through what I had those three days Jevin had denied me my drug. I didn't want to go through the withdrawals, the pain, feeling my mind pull apart.

"He'll try ta make this as easy as he can...what Jevin did ta you was wrong, he tricked you. We'll make you...I mean, we'll help you clear his blood from your system. Then we'll let you leave. We aren't your captors, that was him."

She spoke calmly, slowly, like a nurse might talk to a mental patient, to someone unpredictable that frightened them. Her accent almost sounded Irish, something I hadn't noticed in my rage the previous night. Regardless of her kind words, I smiled pointed teeth at her as she approached with Spade, allowing my Shift to flicker across my face, even if it was powerless. Spade paused, looking more nervous the closer he got to me, but Chi continued her pace until she stood directly before me.

"She won't hurt you, Spade. She's just afraid."

"I'm not afraid of you. You should be the ones afraid."

I spat the words, though I knew they were only partially true. The Clan didn't scare me, the thought of loosing Jevin's blood did though, and in my current state I was about as frightening as an anesthesia-riddled lion wearing a shock collar.

For the first time, Spade spoke, and his voice was much lower than I had expected, rumbling through the room like thunder. Again I involuntarily thought of how he would complement Nevaeh's high, melodic voice.

"She's a Halfling, they don't even know what fear is, Chimarah. She can get the blood out herself if she wants to."

Chi gave him a look that told him the subject was over, a look that showed she was the leader. She glared up at him, her small features looking even smaller as she craned her neck to be able to meet the eyes of the man almost twice as tall as her, daring him to challenge her. He dipped his head in response.

"Who told you about Jevin? Who set you after me?"

At my questions Chi's face snapped back toward me, a look of fear was deep in her brown-black eyes. I wished I could call on my Gift, but there was just a void where it should have been, a dark space in the back of my mind, emptiness.

"We have ears and eyes. I heard whispers from them that Jevin had bound an Angel and that it was causing havoc in the city. We knew it couldn't be true, but a Half is almost just as unheard of. We, we won't tell though, we haven't told anyone, 'bout you, 'bout any of it."

"How do you know I'm a Half? I didn't even know until...until right before Jevin."

My voice almost broke as I spoke, and I cursed myself silently for it. I hadn't talked about that night with anyone, and I was hoping I'd never have to, like if I ignored it for long enough, it would fade away, maybe even disappear completely. Spade's eyes widened a fraction when he heard me speak, either from disbelief that I had lived so long without knowing what I was, or from the crack in my voice, I didn't know.

"You, well, you talk in your sleep, dearie. And we gave you enough tranquilizers ta basically sedate an entire Clan, you were out for a few hours."

I felt a flash of shame, wondering what else I had said, what else they knew. I thought I hadn't dreamed for weeks, but maybe I just didn't remember them. I felt a sting of loss for that as well, for all the dreams or prophecies I might have had over the past six weeks, but would never know, never remember. I looked down at the floor then, not wanting to see the look of pity Chi was giving me. I didn't want pity, or deserve it.

"I can already tell you're...well, you're doin' better. You don't look as...you don't look like him anymore. I mean you don't look like a Vamp anymore. I know it's just a day, but it's a day away from his scent, poison, erm...God, I'm so bad at this. I just mean you don't look dead anymore. Point is we're going ta get you clean, so ta speak, and then you can do what you want, you can leave and keep with your...city clean-up, or whatever. You just need...we didn't want ta see a traitor ta our kind like Jevin controlling someone so...unique. We usually stay out of this kind of thing, we aren't hands-on, but..."

She sounded like she wanted to say so much more, but I couldn't read her. Without my Gift I felt like a sociopath, unable to recognize even the simplest of emotions. I did realize she was right, even just one day away from Jev's toxic presence, around my own kind made my mind feel slightly clearer. It was like I had been living in a haze for so long I hadn't even realized it. I remembered the feeling of being alone with him, even just the first time I went to his house, the night my life fell apart, how being around him made my mind feel thick. I couldn't believe I had been so blind to it for weeks.

My emotions were still numb from my last dose, but some part of me seemed to be trying to break through, trying to speak to me, pounding on the glass. I pulled away from it as if by reflex, not wanting to feel whatever was fighting to be felt.

"We're going ta cut you now, Spade is going ta share his blood, it will lessen the withdrawals. It will make them come faster though. I'm not going ta give you a choice, you aren't thinkin' straight right now. I just wanted ta let you know what I'm doing. And why."

Again, she spoke in a calm voice. And a part of me felt insulted that she thought I would act irrationally, but then something rose from deep within me, my bond to Jev like his blood sensed the threat to its hold on me, sensed it and fought back, fought with fury. It took over, or some part of me took over. The blood from Jev, the blood that made me loyal even though I despised him more than ever ripped my Shift from my control and I snarled at Spade with darkened eyes as he slowly approached, a small, razor-thin knife in his hand.

He gave Chi an apprehensive look, but she nodded him forward. The small knife sunk deep into my wrist and my blood started dripping to the cement floor, audible in the silence. The bite of the blade seemed less than it should have been, like the pain was far away. Then Spade drew the scalpel across his palm and pressed it over my wrist, squeezing as he spoke words I had never heard before. I had a flash of a memory, of James sharing his blood with me, pouring it over my open throat as I lay on the forest floor, thinking of how beautiful he was. But I had never heard the words he said, I had hardly been aware of anything. I had thought I was dead. I should have died.

Just the thought of James made my Shift jump a notch higher, my world was suddenly dipped in crimson and ruby. I pulled against my binds and heard a creek and then a snap. My non-injured arm flew from the chair it had been bound to and closed around Chi's neck before I even realized I had broken the cords holding me. A moment later Syn appeared before me, I saw his arm swing and then stars and bursts of light filled my vision, then everything went black and was still.

When I woke up there was light outside the small window my room housed and I was alone, save for the hulking figure standing guard, watching the door with his back to me.

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I didn't feel my Shift settle back into me for hours. It wouldn't let its claws recede completely, but I didn't mind the company, the clarity it brought, the violence, the rage, all the things I loved. I knew my purpose now, and it wasn't just my father, it was everyone like him, regardless of their kind, regardless of their bloodline.

I should have killed Jevin years ago, but my gratitude let him live, my sympathy for him, my past and what he had done for me, some twisted loyalty. He had been my first friend, though his friendship had always been more of an ownership. My weakness allowed him to live on and do terrible things, things that were now on my shoulders because I had given him the time to do them. I'd introduced my Pair to him, I had caused all the death he had ordered. I had allowed him to touch her. I slammed my fist into the wall of the alley I stood in, hearing bricks crack along with bone.

How had I been so stupid, so naive to think she was gone? I couldn't leave her alone again, not like I had. I had to protect her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she died because of my deception. There were so many I hadn't been able to save, but she was different, she was the only one. She had to live.

She was with Chi now, with people who wouldn't defy me, who wouldn't dare hurt her, even if they could. But I knew she would leave them eventually, they weren't like our Clan had been, she would go back to the city, go back to where monsters I didn't even understand were lurking and converging. Our world was changing, I could sense it. Just like the demon that had found a way past Kael's wards in our woods, just like how it had been able to disappear without a trace. Things were happening, things were changing. It was all coming to a head, all steadily moving towards some end I hadn't yet figured out, but I knew my father was at the center of it. The frustration was enough to drive me insane.

On top of that, my father didn't just want me, he wanted Jordan too, he knew about her. I needed to find him first. I needed to end what I had left unfinished so many years ago. I couldn't protect my Clan anymore, they weren't even mine, but I could at least protect my Pair, even if she hated me, I had to. I had never felt anything as deeply as I felt that. She had to survive. She deserved to live. Just as surely as I knew I didn't.

A flash of silver caught my eye, even as I rested my head against the cold bricks, almost just a glow. I turned my head and saw the swirl of someone's coat as they turned the corner, a wisp of light hair trailing in the wind before it disappeared. I made it to the corner within the breadth of a second, my eyes searching down the adjoining alley but nothing was there but dirty slush and soaked cardboard, the remnants of some vagrant's summer home long abandoned. My eyes searched the alley for movement, the rooftops, the doorways, but there was no one, nothing but a trick of my imagination, of a tired mind with deep set mistrust for the world. I closed my eyes and took slow breaths, trying to calm the prickling feeling I was left with. It was nothing. No one was there.

I wished that was the first time I had seen something, or thought I had seen something, only to investigate and find nothing. I wished it was just a strange happening, a one-time unexplainable event, but it wasn't. I had seen it before, many times over the past weeks. Sometimes a wisp of her hair, sometimes just the feeling that she was there, sometimes I almost thought I saw her face in a crowd, if only for a fraction of a second. But the dreams were the worst, seeing her face, her eyes black in a sea of white, her smile of tapered teeth. I woke up in a cold sweat each time, my arms outstretched before, fingers grasping for her neck.

Regardless of the nightmares, of my glimpses of her even when I was awake, I ignored them, disregarded them, hoped they were hallucinations brought on by stress, but they weren't. At best I was being haunted, at worst I was losing my mind. All the answers in-between were unsatisfactory, but the answer didn't really matter anyway. I didn't have time to dig up old graves, to look at the choices of my past and dissect my reasoning or the results. I had to continue on, I couldn't waste whatever time I had worrying about my mental state. But even so, it was a ticking clock at the back of my thoughts. How long would I have until I made even Jevin look sane? How long until my nature's greatest threat made good its ever-present promise? The fear that loomed in all Darklings' minds?

I had pictured my own death hundreds of times, usually by my own hand, sometimes by an unknown enemy, sometimes even my father, but never had I thought insanity would take me. Never had I expected my final battle to be with a faceless enemy I couldn't even fight, something that wasn't even real, wasn't real anywhere but in my mind. It was thought of as the weakest way for my kind to die. No, I wouldn't die that way. I would die by my father's hands before I allowed that to happen. I would die by my own hands before my mind's.

Like so many times before, I pushed the thought of my phantom from me, ignoring the realization that I had just seen someone dead and buried. It didn't matter, all that mattered was finding my father, killing as many guilty along the way, and protecting my Pair until the first two were finished. I just had to beat the time bomb that was myself now, but I had known that all along. Whether it was my nature or my mind, I was on a tight deadline to finish my work while I still could.