I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm in pain.

I'm scared because for a second that something was also wrong with you, I'm worried at the thought if you have a health problem. I'm in pain because I won't be able to fight this battle without you, if you were to be gone.

But I couldn't let those thoughts get me, because I believed and hoped that nothing was wrong and that you only fainted.

I was to scared to stay with you the moment you went limp in jungkooks arms so I told him to stay with you. I just couldn't because this was all too much to take in one day.

I anxiously wait to see jungkook come out of the room to hear any news. I feel someone rub my back in a way to comfort me, I look up and give Luna a small forced smile. "It's okay, she's strong, she'll be fine Johnny." I nod before taking her left hand and entwined them with my right one.

I continue to look at the hallway to see jungkooks figure as everything around me is a blur.

After you went limp, I called krystal and Luna while jungkook called jimin but seemed to me that he was with krystal already as they came in together with Luna behind them.

I immediately stand up and run up to the figure that came out. "How is she jungkook?" I desperately say. He sighs before running his fingers through his hair. "She's okay, she did faint but she woke up but yelled out for your grandma. So it seemed she had a dream of her. Right now, she's like still, frozen in her place." I sigh in relief as you only fainted but sadly frown before looking down.

"She's in her dark place." I mumble. I look up at jungkook and see him look at me confusedly. I sigh. "She's zones out to the point, she makes herself go in this dark place that's cold, nothing but blackness surrounding her. That's another way she does when she doesn't want to be in reality." Jungkook sadly looks down.

"She'll be okay, she's only doing that because she doesn't have moms guitar here nor she's working. So right now, she's only distracting herself with her dark place. She normally avoids going there but I think it was too much for her, with happened to my grandma." I gently say while avoiding the lump in my throat. Jungkook nods.

"The doctors say you can go visit your grandmother." I hesitantly nod at jungkooks words. "Just stay by ambers side for now, you don't have to do anything, she'll snap out on her own or she will get out once I talk to her." Jungkook nods.

"Are you sure your ready to see her?" I nod. "I'll be okay, I wasn't that much closed to my grandma then amber was to her." I say with a forced smile. "But she's still family to you." My lips form into a thin line as Jungkook nods understanding what I meant, he softly pats my shoulder before leaving back to the way he came, back to you.

I inhale and exhale a breath before walking towards grandmas room.

"simjang mabiga issjiman gwaenchanh-ayo." You look down at your knees as you were sitting on the floor, while your grandmother was laying down on the couch.

You had just found out why your grandmother had suddenly collapsed while cooking. When she collapsed, you called the ambulance despite you were only eleven. But you knew the ambulances number because of your mother.

"neol ilh-eo beolilkka dulyeowoss eo." You say sadly. Your grandmother chuckles. "wae naleul ilh-eul geolago saeng-gaghani?" She gently says. You look up at her. "dangsin-i na-egeseo ppaeasgineun geos-eul wonhaji anh-assgi ttaemun-ibnida." You whisper.

She gives you a soft smile. "naneun amudedo gaji anhgi ttaemun-e naleul ilhji anh-eul geos-ibnida." Your small lips form into a thin line.

"yagsog?" Your voice slightly crack as you try to gulp down the lump in your throat as you force your tears to stay in, forbidding them to fall out, not wanting to look weak. Your grandmother gives you a small smile before she takes both of her hands out under of her blanket. She motions you to put your in hers so you do, putting your small hands into hers.

"yagsoghabnida." She says with a soft smile. You nod. "nameoji eumsig halmeoni yolileul kkeut machyeossseubnida. jom swiseyo gwaenchanh-ayo?" You watch as she gives you a hesitate nod.

This was the day you began to lose yourself even more at the age of eleven.

___

"yag-eul an meog-eoss-eoyo?" You say with a stern voice when you realize that your grandmother hasn't taken two of the pills.

You always count them to make sure if she hasn't taken them and didn't miss one of them. "joesong haeyo." Your grandmother apologizes. You shake your head, stressed out. "geugeon byeonmyeong halmeoniga anieyo maeil yag-eul meog-eoya haeyo." You say, not realizing you slightly raised your tone.

Your grandmother looks down at her lap as she was sitting down and watching tv. "al-a,hajiman sisig-eul cham-eul sueobsgo, apaseo geu yag-ui mas-eobs-i sum-eul swigo sip-eossda." You shake your head again. "mianhajiman neon mos-" Your grandmother interrupts you.

"wae?" Her voice cracks as if she was about to cry. You harshly gulp. You slowly walk up to her before crouching down to look up at her, your hands on top of her hands that was on her knees.

"halmeoni salang hanikka geuligo dangsin-i dangsin-ui yag-eul bog-yonghaji anhneundaneun saeng-gag-e naleul dulyeobgehabnida. nado neoleul ilh-eul su eobsgi ttaemun-e naleul dulyeobgehanda." You finally confess as a tear finally escapes from your amber eyes.

You finally say the words that you always wanted to say to her. Your only eighteen years old and you don't really know the meaning of love but this was the kind love you have for your grandmother.

This was your own definition of love. This was your own way.

Your grandmothers eyes begin to water and she begins to shake. You hesitantly stand up before putting her in your arms, wanting to secure her from the world and wanting to protect her at all cost.

This was when you were finally opened up. But this was when you began to push yourself over the limit more than you should.

Just to show her how much you love and appreciate her at the age of eighteen.

These two memories were on replay like a film while you were still around complete darkness while feeling cold.

You didn't have any tears to cry out. You couldn't feel anything. You were numb. You forbid yourself to cry and let them out.

But you begin to hear a familiar voice.

It was Jonathan's voice.

You look around the darkness before you shut your eyes closed tightly, forcing yourself out of this darkness.

You immediately open yours eyes as you gasp for air as you were surrounded by whiteness. You feel Jonathan's familiar warm hands rubbing your back, an attempt to help you calm down.

"It's okay, your okay." He softly says. You slowly inhale and exhale your breath to calm down. "You okay now?" You slowly nod your head. Before you turn to look at him.

To be met with red and puffy amber eyes. Your heart clenches. "Are you okay Johnny?" He hesitantly nods and you know why he was his eyes were swollen.

Because he went to see your grandmother.

As if he read your mind. "You can go see her when your ready okay?" You slowly nod. Jonathan stands up. "You want me to leave you here or?" You shake your head. "Stay here with me." He gives you a forced sad smile before climbing onto the bed with you. You let him lay down on the left side while you on the right.

He instantly goes into your arms, you wrap him with your arms, securing him while you pull the covers in the hospital bed, covering him with your warmth. You begin to feel him shake before you hear whimpers.

You don't dare try to stop him from crying. You let him let it all out. All you do is stay there and embrace him, support him and letting him know your always there for him.

Because now, it's just the two of you again.

He's the only family member you have left.

A few minutes pass as Jonathan finally stopped crying as he cried himself to sleep. You look up towards the door, you see a clock next the door that was hanging on the wall and see it was nine at night.

You wanted to see her. Despite it was going to hurt you, you needed to. You had to.

So you gently get up, without trying to make any noises. You gently move Jonathan out of your arms and put his head on the pillow. When you get out of the bed, you look at Jonathan as he was peacefully sleeping and you were lucky he was a heavy sleeper.

You quietly walk towards the door and open it, carefully before your met with a bright lights. You squint your eyes before moving out of the room and quietly closing the door behind you. You began moving down the hallway to see the waiting room.

When you walk in, your heart aches guilty when you see Luna, krystal, and jimin were here as well. You look at jungkook as all of them were fast asleep with no blankets.

You go find a nurse and ask her for four blankets. She nods and goes into a room behind her and comes out with four white hospital blankets, you mumble a thank you before going back into the waiting room.

You gently unfold one of them and begin to cover them one by one. When it comes to Jungkook, your lips form into a thin line. "I'm sorry for the trouble Jungkook." You mumble before placing the thin blanket over his body as you lift your right hand to move a strand of his hair out of his face.

You sadly smile.

You take a step back before leaving the room, when your out the waiting room, you look behind you once more to see they have cuddled up into the blankets. Which it warms your heart a tad bit. You walk away from the waiting room and go back to the nurse to ask what room your grandmother was staying at.

She tells you the room number and you bow before making your way towards the room. It felt as each step you took, you felt as your legs were giving up on you. Everything around you was blurry as you couldn't hear anything expect a loud ringing.

You weren't ready. But you needed to.

You finally make it to the her door number as if took forever to get there. You move your left hand to the door knob while shaking. You hesitantly push the knob down before opening it. You slowly walk in and that's when you freeze.

You couldn't breathe. You couldn't hear. You couldn't see expect blurriness.

It felt as someone had stabbed you in the heart while your heart begins to slowly bleed out, making a pool of blood onto the white floor.

But you just couldn't stand to see the scene in front of you. Slowly without realizing tears begin to uncontrollably fall from your orange liked eyes. You slowly walked towards the bed but felt as you were sinking to the floor.

You couldn't believe.

She was actually gone.

She was taken away from you too.

She wasn't here anymore.

You continue to stare at her lifeless pale body as your lips quiver as you whimper in pain. Those painful tears continue to fall while burning your skin.

"ani, ani, jebal dol-a wajwo." ( no, no, no please come back to me. ) You silently beg before reaching your hand out and putting onto now icy cold hands. You cry even more, fighting the urge to hit your chest.

"halmeonileul tteonaji anhgessdago yagsog haessjanh-a, dol-awa, naega deo jalhal geolago yagsog hae." ( you promised you wouldn't leave grandma, come back, I promise I'll do better just please... ) You plead before your knees hit the hard white floor underneath you.

Your tears fall on the ground, with a drop as if rain was falling onto the floor and making puddles. You cry even more. "jebal dasi oseyo. jeohuiege dol-a oseyo." ( just please come back to me...come back to us. ) You mumble before you begin to hit your chest, wanting to hit your heart and crush it until it's in pieces.

"halmeoniga apayo. manh-i apeuda. naneun igeos-eul neukkigo sipji anhda. naneun amugeosdo neukkigo sipji anhda. jebal meomchwojuseyo." ( it hurts grandma. It hurts a lot. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel anything. Please make it stop. ) You beg as your cries begin to come out more loudly.

As you continue to cry your heart out, over and over again but not loud as much, not wanting anyone to hear your cry. You just continue to cry in silence, alone in the empty cold room.

But you didn't realize that Jungkook had woken up due to feeling something was wrong. He even followed where he felt this feeling in him. And he heard your faded cries but it was becoming more noticeable when he was outside of the room where you and your grandmother were in. He had watched you silently cry and hit your chest over and over again. Flinching as if he was getting hit in the chest.

His heart aching because it was breaking. Breaking because he now understands what Jonathan had seen. He saw this at the age fourteen. He seen you beat yourself over and over again. He heard you crying yourself in silence with no comfort.

Jungkook wanted to go in there and hug you but he couldn't because you needed to let it out but it was too much. He couldn't stand at the sight.

So you didn't realize as hands were trying to stop you from hitting yourself. You cry out loud. "No no no, don't, I deserve this." You beg with your eyes shut.

Jungkooks eyes begin to burn and without his permission, they fall because this was truly heartbreaking.

"Amber, baby look at me." His voice cracks but ignores it. You shake your head repeatedly. "Baby, please no more." He begs before he brings you into his arms, wanting to secure you from this moment, from yourself. You give in, you were tired and exhausted but continue to cry into jungkooks arms.

"Make her come back kook. Please. I'll try to be better, just please bring her back." You beg. You feel Jungkook shake his head. "Its not your fault baby..." he mumbles.

You don't say anything as you stay in jungkooks arms. You don't do anything as you just want to stay in this spot forever. You don't hear anything expect his heartbeats and your cries.

Just right in this moment, you appreciated Jungkook more.

____________________

okay so um...let Jungkooks beauty hypnotize you from this painful chapter. 👀

Okay you guys ain't mad right? Okay. But what are your thoughts on this chapter?

And sorry it took a while, It was hard to type due to hurting my thumb. 😎

Okay well anyways I hoped you enjoy this chapter and stay tuned for more.

Stay safe and healthy loves. <3