[Ryland]

*~*~*

I was a shadow.

The type that was lost in the woods,

That no one would bat an eye at.

On a cloudy day,

The shadows grew faint,

The view became quaint.

With a flare of rain,

That undid my chains.

*~*~*

I believe there is a reason for everything that has happened, happens and will happen. They should be fairly obvious too. One exception would be love. Not that love doesn't have a reason, it does. But the reason is not apparent because it is so case specific and individualized that one person may see it instantly, while the person receiving can be flabbergasted for the remainder of that relationship, wondering the 'why' and the 'how'.

Here I lay, in the arms of my lover, ass naked with my rectum aching like it's got a hangover. Last night was rough, not that Felix wasn't being gentle but my behind seemed to want to clench at the exact moment Felix pushes in, let's just say he didn't last long and there's more friction than there needed to be.

Right now, Felix is spooning me with that vice grip, he says mine is bad, but his is worse. He's not holding me very tight, it's the fact that he locks his arms in place, serving as a restraint more than a clamp. There's no doubt he's been grinding against me because I can feel him between my legs. And I am not up for a second round this morning.

With great difficulty, I turn around. Facing Felix now, in his sleep, he looks like a weary infant, oblivious to the world but also very pissed off about something in his dreams, but that's probably just his face as is. Skylar is at dad's house, and I really miss the two of them, they've been doing their own thing for quite a long time now, only texts exchanged.

I trace my finger along the scars on his shoulder, one in particular makes me scared. It's right next above where his neck and shoulder meets, a horizontal line that is perpendicular to the vein along his neck. He's fought to a point where someone wanted to kill him, and that terrifies me. What if he had never made it out alive? What if I never met him? What if he wasn't there to throw that punch at me? We wouldn't be here, not together, nor will he be here. At all.

This is what I'm taking about, the 'why', 'how', and 'what if'. Months later and I am still too dense to realise how this relationship works out as well as it does.

My arms come around his waist, and I kiss his chest. Felix is a silent sleeper, so silent that he doesn't even breathe with noise. If it weren't for him holding me, I'd be scared that he left. He is 26 years old, yet, he looks older. It must be the stress that's come into his life since he was young, the scars give him that scary vibe, sure, but sometimes his lethargic smile or fish tail wrinkles put more years on his age than he's worth. But either way, Felix is hotter than the Sahara.

Without trying much, he has a body of a God, but I still appreciate that he is a good influence to everyone around him, giving them motivation to exercise, my father and brother included. I know he is family oriented too, a very gentle side of him surfaces when I need help making dinner, or have trouble with the pipework around the apartment. He is there to help and he does so without a complaint.

"Morning Chef." I blush at his voice, utterly in love with him right now. I blush harder when he starts moving his hips back and forth, grinding himself between my legs. "Fuck..." He pulls me closer, inhaling the scent of my shampoo for no reason, it's probably bad to smell that stuff, chemicals are generally harmful.

"First thing in the morning after we had sex, of course you would make it grinding." I joke, kissing him on the jaw, he just smiles.

"If you can't beat them, join them." He sighs, "Let's go back to our non-existent teenage years and jerk off together."

He is such a bastard.

Very... Uncultured.

But sweet, he can be sweet too, I guess.

~

"Can you seriously put some clothes on Felix? It's snowing outside and you are wearing your birthday suit." I roll my eyes, getting the waffles out of the iron and onto a plate where I sprinkle blueberries to make it look extra appetizing and also deceivingly healthy. It might be counterintuitive to make waffles before a breakfast studio which is what I thought, but it is currently 7 in the morning and I wouldn't want to starve my man. He's been whining about an empty stomach the whole duration of the shower we had taken.

Felix sits at the breakfast bar, staring at me with a smile on his face and arms crossed in front of him. "I'm letting you enjoy the view, and air drying myself."

"We have towels for a reason Felix." I face palm, he presses a kiss to my forehead.

"Wait," He brings his thumb up to the corner of my mouth, wiping whatever was on there away. "Had a bit of me left over from our morning session." I blush and wipe my whole face with my shirt. He laughs out loud, "There's nothing there baby, I'm just fucking with you." It's true that in the morning his accent gets stronger, in any other scenario I'd be over the moon with how hot he sounds, but right now he is annoying the fuck out of me. And worst part is, I don't even mind.

"You asshole..." I whisper, flicking my finger at his sensitive man parts. His whole body twitches and straightens up. "I am never putting that thing in my mouth ever again. You were choking me."

"Low blow Ryland. But I thought it was hot." He pouts, "Plus, I think it's just gravity going to work." I walk over to the coffee machine since it signalled its completion

"This is the one case where the 'I'm just that big' joke actually applies and makes sense." I place his cup of coffee right in front of him with a clank. "And I am not happy about it." He leans over the counter to kiss me deep. When he pulls away he has an amazing smile on.

That night, I dream of an Australian man having breakfast waffles with me on the stools, just us and our waffles. Maybe an unlikely beer can on my lover's side of the breakfast bar. The way he speaks with an accentuated accent early in the morning, over looking a simple city from an average perspective, but living the pinnacle of enjoyment. Only thinking about how long I have waited for happiness like this.

I relive a moment of déjà vu, gaping at how Felix is backlit by the snow filled city while he digs into the waffles, that childish smile on his face and his thick Australian accent. How closely this resembles the dream I had weeks and weeks ago. In a moment, I was filled to the brim with love.

I walk over to Felix, hugging him around the waist and he startles. "I love you so much Felix..." I'm ready to cry, pinnacle of enjoyment. That's where I am right now.

It might seem selfish,

But I wonder what is beyond the pinnacle.

He said it himself. He would make this last an eternity.

I hope that after eternity, I will be over the top of the pinnacle, over top of the clouds.

And by then, would I still be this happy?

At this rate, every beat of my heart is propelling me to astronomical heights.

"I love you too Chef. I love you very much."

Or maybe in the next beat of my heart.

I would already be there, beyond the top.

~

"Hand me the chopsticks." I mutter, he starts stirring the water in the pot while I crack an egg, careful not to get any shells in the whites and drop it in the swirling pot of hot water. I quickly retrieve it after a good couple seconds with a ladle. "Perfect!" Felix smiles and ruffles my hair.

"Now we just need to make the other 28 steps." He teases and I flip him off, such a killjoy. I wasn't expecting this but Felix has been taking the whole thing very seriously. And this is quite honestly an amazing gift, he knows I love learning new things and especially when it has something to do with food. I'm no master chef so I'd like to learn, him giving me the opportunity and then actually trying to do well makes me very happy.

If this were a month of two ago when we just started dating, he would prefer playing video games over this. Not that I mind, I've been getting good at Mortal Combat and I will smash his face in one day.

"Excuse me." Someone taps my shoulder, just before I turn, Felix puts on a scary face, I poke his stomach and look behind me. I wave and greet him briefly, slightly confused at what he's trying to do. "My friends over there were making a fuss over you guys." Her thumb guides me to a group of 2 men and 1 girl. "Hi... I'm Brason, I was just wondering, are you two dating?"

"Yeah." Came a short reply, not from me, but from Felix. He is starting on the next step while I speak with this boy. "Engaged and marrying in two weeks." He flashes the tungsten ring on his middle finger, flipping the bird. "He proposed."

I resist the urge to fall over from laughter, if he thinks that I am proposing then he has another thing coming. I am all for equality but home boy wants some of that sweet loving and I want to be that girl in the movies who gets proposed to and ugly cries. The boy smiles warmly. "I think the world needs more people like you. I have a friend, Taylor, he's just like your fiancé. Kind of... reminded me of that." His smile grows fond, almost too fond for this 'friend' he speaks of.

"Well, no offence," I raise an eyebrow, looking at Felix, "But I'm sure your friend is much less of an asshole than he is." I flick my freshly washed hands at him, he threatens me with a dirty spoon. Oh gosh, I am so scared! Someone please burst through the door and end this tragedy! I chuckle inwardly.

"Anyway, thank y'all for winning me an extra 40 bucks." So it's a bet, I don't mind, good for him for picking the right battles. He waves and runs back to his station, the other three friends groaning. I wonder if any of them is this Taylor he speaks of. If one of them is, then they are nothing like Felix.

Then again, no one is actually going to be close to Felix anyway. He's a special, special man. Not even sure if I mean well or not when I'm saying that.

"Hey fiancé, how about helping with the avocado?" Felix jabs me with his elbow, making me smile. He's such an asshole but he is also so loveable if you dig deep enough. That bad boy biker exterior is really just an exterior, it doesn't mean anything to me because there are a million more layers of Felix under it.

"Because strong and capable Felix McKenzie needs help with chopping tasteless mushy produce." He glares at me and then smiles. He really does have a nice smile, although it isn't there very often, he's more than capable of making anyone's heart beat quicker if he smiles. Or maybe I'm just biased, seeing as I'm 'engaged' to him.

"All these avocadoes and my heart still be mushier." Felix brings back the jokes, and I drop the spoon in the bowl, falling into him as I laugh out loud, that one, was well timed. "Told you mine were better, babe." This soft side of Felix is very different, I'm still getting used to it. People say that first impressions make half the deal, and that cannot be more true. That day when he went to punch me, I was so intimidated, the sense of rage made me want to curl up in a ball and block out everything else.

That's why I ran. It's a fight or flight kind of deal, of course, I stayed to help my brother, but I left immediately after Felix seemed to have cleared his head even just a little.

But that day, fury wasn't the only thing I picked up, and it was definitely not the only thing I put down as a first impression. The way he wrapped Skylar in a hug, almost enveloping my brother's body from the cruelty of the world. It was tender and sweet, a gesture only people with genuine and untainted intentions can pull off.

In true Ryland Cook fashion, I thought hard for a long period of time. Whenever I had time off from work, I thought about it. What I had said to upset Felix, what I meant when those words came out and what he thought it meant. It was a case of misunderstanding. I hate to say it but Felix was taking his fury out on me, and I was a willing victim.

Back then, I didn't know how to defend myself. I was closed off and self aware of each detail that had gone south in my head, bottling it up did no good, that is for sure, but who could I really talk to when I am in that position? No one is going to respect me, because I can't begin to respect myself. It was hard between managing the opening of the new branch and my feelings, I had to do what I thought came first. I placed my business first.

But I was so wrong.

The night when I first spoke to Felix, one on one, he made me realise that everyone has a little faulty in their lives. Some more than others, sure, but there is always a fix. Again, hate to say it, but Felix has gone through a very rough patch for a much longer time than I have. Much like my brother, it was since birth. He did drugs, he stole, he fought, he fucked up big time, but the one thing he didn't fuck up is not giving up.

It took him 18 years to realise that he is more than a violent angst filled teen. And that's the beauty of my brother, he takes those troughs in a person's life and flips it upside down. He believes in second chances. I didn't believe that I could've made even the slightest change in attitude, cognitive bias is toxic if it's skewed the wrong way and even though it took me time to realise it. It took Felix longer, I only struggled for 8 years. He did for a whole decade longer.

Second chances are made to be taken. I'm not sure if I have taken that to heart fully, but at least I made a start. The worst thing a person can do is to see a chance and not take it. Just like delicious waffles sitting on a table with no supervision and a card saying 'eat me'; fucking take the waffles. They are there because someone gave it to you, staring at it will only make it stale and eventually someone else will take your place and you'd be left with a void in your head, telling you the things you've done wrong. Telling you all that waffle could've been in your belly.

I don't want to see myself get there, and both my brother and Felix helped me a lot in that.

My point is, this relationship I have with Felix. It's more than romantic, sure he is hotter than a nuclear power plant, but that is besides the point. If you take out the sex (in the master bedroom) and the cuddling at night. We are honestly just best friends that has helped each other.

The most rewarding part of this thing I have going on with him is the fact that he is able to open up to me. The trust makes me feel like I am worth something and I love it when he does small things like tap the back of my hand so I'd hold him as we walk, or he would make me run my hands through his hair when we watch TV while his head lays in my lap.

The big bad Felix, submitting to his feelings as a person to little ole' Ryland. What more can I ask for? I've done it all.

Except scuba diving, I want to scuba dive one day. In Coral Reef hopefully, those photos are orgasmic.

~

[x]

"Fuck these are heaven sent." Felix throws a bit of waffle in the air and it lands in his mouth, the man loves the breakfast food way more than he leads on. He loves chocolate sauce on it with a bit of fruit to make it extra sweet.

They are now home, overlooking the stormy looking city with massive flares of diagonal light beams that come down from the sky, resembling an angel's descent into the mortal realm. And Felix agrees with that, angels do exist in the mortal realm. There are people that will give endlessly, only asking for a fraction of return as supposed to what they gave. Like his best friend.

But evidently, angels come with demons. And inside each mortal angel, lives a demon. The demons, haunt us in form of insecurities, paranoia, all the unpleasant things that humanity have to go through. And that is where the similarities between angels of the mortal realm and angels of the transcendent end.

Humans live in delight and pain. That is what makes us innately human.

Though dimmed, the sky still gives off enough light to backlight everything inside the apartment facing the window. Ryland stands there, with his beer in hand. It's the day after Valentines Day, they had their romantic moment, and now is the time for them to go back to their 'dynamic'.

But instead of joining his lover, Ryland stands. Motionless except for his eyes. He is living a moment of déjà vu for the second time today.

The calm blue tones bouncing off every object of the apartment.

The way his lover sits on the floor in front of the coffee table, one leg pulled to his chest, drinking a can of beer and eating waffles.

How the light doesn't reach far enough into the apartment to make it bright, but also doesn't warrant switching on the lights.

How everything in the apartment is cast under a shadow.