[Ryland]

*~*~*

I am a shadow.

I am, but a shell for my achievements,

I took away the love my brother had deserved;

I didn't even notice.

I deserve no such thing as love, For –

I had been selfish to the one person that is truly selfless, the one -

I should have loved.

I know the damage is irreversible.

I accepted the consequences, because –

I remember the day my innocence was taken;

I remember it clear as day. Leaving behind a perfect silhouette of what –

I am; but a mere shadow.

*~*~*

I am still shell shocked from the amount of protectiveness Felix had unleashed upon hearing something I said.

And I can't even remember what triggered his reaction. I've been told I am dense, and I know I am. I am in no way observant. But that's fine, I guess I am just here for the status, that's all my parents want from me in the end;

Just to boast about their child.

A sob tears through my empty apartment, penthouse of a complex, it's always just me, such a big, empty space for one person. But that's what I deserve and I have no right to take anything from anyone. Especially love.

Then I remember how my brother acted. My sobs turn into crying.

I've missed so much of his teens and adulthood, he used to be, for a lack of better vocabulary, very weak... I remember the times when he would hide away from the bullies at school. But it was all too late when I found out, Felix had already stepped in, and I'm so fucking dense I didn't even see the bruises under his shirt.

He is a good kid too, caring and optimistic. But I didn't expect him to block a punch like that... as if it's in his blood to protect me. Or just people in general.

Even after all that shit I've done to him.

Skylar: OMG >.

Skylar: I forgot to ask, but I haven't spoken to you in a long while. How about we have dinner tonight? I can make brownies! :D

My crying gets worse. Why would he love someone like me?

~

"Knocky knocky!" I hear a familiar giggle on the other side of my front door, followed by a rhythmic knock of sorts.

You can do this! You just need to be more careful with him. Don't make him upset. I sigh, Who the fuck am I kidding, I'm a lost cause through and through.

I open the door for him and Skylar jumps in with a very annoyed Felix behind him holding at least 4 bags of what I assume is food.

It's barely been 3 days since he got cocked in the face, but my brother is good as new, at least his spirit is, the bruise is still pretty nasty. Running into my place with a wide smile he twirled around like a ballerina and shouted, "Thank you for coming with me Jelly bean!"

I hear a disjointed 'whatever' from Felix as he places the bags on the table top. I barely have a second to recover before Skylar jumps on me and squeezes so hard I feel my bones bruising, metaphorically, I feel my sadness leaving too. "Hi Ryland! How is the new book store? I heard there is going to be a café in it! Sounds awesome, maybe I'll bring Felix with me when it opens up!"

"Yeah, that sounds nice. It's just a small coffee shop in the corner, pastries and drinks. All that. It opens this Sunday, around 9 in the morning."

"I'll put that down, give me a moment." He jumps back and takes out his phone, he has a clear phone case but inside the case sits a photo of him and Felix. I've never seen Felix smile so widely in my entire existence.

He taps the overloading calendar, filled with different reminders. "Cookie, get your ass over here. I don't fucking know how to make a pizza!" Desperation clear in Felix's voice, I guess Skylar does the cooking...

How little do I actually know about my brother?

"Oh! Coming!" He shoves his phone in front of me. "Help me put that in, please. I'll go help with the food. Sorry Rylie!"

I see him running to Felix, attempting to scare him through the kitchen door. But obviously, it doesn't even get a noise out of him. Skylar doesn't care, he just giggles.

My thumb looks for this Sunday. On the way there, I see reminders of people's birthdays.

Birthday! Auntie Jessie from pet shelter

Birthday! Melissa from lakeside sport rental

Out of curiosity I scroll to my birthday.

Rylie's Birthday!

But –

It is our birthday. Not just mine. We are supposed to be twins.

As tears begin to burn my eyes I stop at this Sunday, it is cleared. All except for one thing.

9:00 am: Rylie's new book store opening! <3 <3

Skylar runs back, "You done?" Wiping his hands on his apron. "Maybe we should have lunch after... wait no, you have your adult things to look after, how about dinner? That sounds good. Yeah..."

"You... already had the opening scheduled..."

"Oh! I guess I did remember after all." Sticking his tongue out and knocking the side of his head with his knuckles. "Dinner? Sunday?"

"O... okay."

~

"So there is new little girl in my class, she loves strawberries. And she has this really tall and angry looking brother. Kind of like Felix, actually." Skylar says off-handedly. Taking a bite out of the brownie Felix holds out to him.

Those two are basically married.

"Oi. I'm not angry looking." His Australian accent is honestly quite attractive, not to mention his very handsome facial features. Sharp jaw, styled hair, amazing eyes that burns a steady and calm fire.

"Then smile more." My brother shakes his head like a know-it-all and lets out a playful breath. "Or else you're going to look like Voldemort!"

"Who the –"

"Villain from Harry Porter." The two, who are now basically cuddling, turn to me. Are they always this close? Or is Skylar extra clingy today? "We used to watch it when I... when I had time." I add the last bit filled with guilt. I stopped having spare time when I hit 16 years old. That's when Skylar started to drift away. Or I did, I guess.

"Yeah! It was awesome! Some bits were scary but I get scared at everything so it doesn't count!" Sticking his tongue out at a chuckling Felix. "You never cry or get scared at movies. You only laugh when there is a funny joke about dicks..."

Skylar gasps and falls over dramatically face first into Felix's chest. Felix bursts out laughing, "Holy shit! That's the first time I've heard you say dicks."

A chuckle leaves my throat. I should be depressed, I should be guilty and upset that I made my brother leave the house. But somehow, my body dares to laugh.

Skylar does that to people, I think.

Playful punches land on Felix's ribs as Skylar sulks his way next to me and buries his face in my neck. "He's teasing me!" Pouting and feigning hurt.

I almost cry again, guilt stinging everywhere I had contact with Skylar. Why is he so fine with my existence?

Why does he still care so much?

~

"Hot chocolate." Felix set down the two mugs and sits himself on the other end of the leather couch. Placing the blanket that he had taken with him and draping it over my little brother.

"Thank you." I take the warm liquid to my lips, wincing slightly as it burns my throat a little. The pain is nice though, even for a fraction of a second I feel numb and forget my worries.

"So-"

"I was-" Felix and I both say at the same time, then chuckle at the comedic timing. "You go first Ryland."

I sigh slightly, looking at my brother who is slowly inching himself toward the nearest source of heat, which is my arm. "He's really naive, isn't he?" My voice low and breathy.

Felix hums his agreement. It feels nice to be able to sustain a conversation with him, probably after that whole punch and sob session, the one that I chickened out and left before the roof falls down and I end up in a comatose. I realize I never got to see the epilogue to that story, I guess that punch didn't come in the way of their friendship, or love, or relationship.

What the fuck is going on with these two anyway?

"Actually, on second thought. I believe he knows a lot. Just because he's always optimistic might not mean he is oblivious." I continued, "I think blocking that hit for me was more self defense for him."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He laughs like its ridiculous. "Skylar is a strong, strong guy at heart, but he doesn't acknowledge it. I get that. Explain how it is self defense?"

"Perhaps... denial?" I question my own suspicions, if only I can connect the very philosophical dots, then maybe I have a chance at knowing my brother better. Seeing Felix's intrigued expression, I propose, "I know he loves you to no end." His lips tug into a smile, he only ever smiles when Skylar is involved. If he isn't in love with this little Cookie I really don't think love exists.

Not that I know what love is anyway.

"He damn sure should. Because I love him more than I love myself." He scoffs, probably realizing how ludicrous 'love' can be. It all points towards the deep care they had for each other though, and I have a gut feeling that it's platonic. Somehow, I am content with it, even seeing the, perhaps, excessive amount of affection they have for each other, I don't find it strange that they are strictly platonic. "Who am I kidding, he fucking loves everyone, good and... bad." I sense a deep self loathing in Felix's tone, but decided to ignore it.

I truly know nothing about Felix, only that he is Australian.

It scares me to think that a love so deep can be formed between friends.

Yet, here I am. Alone, soaking myself in self pity and guilt.

"Maybe... it's because he loves you, that he doesn't want to believe you would... punch anyone." I speak in the most weary tone I can pull out of my ass.

His fists clench tight, almost to a point where they start shaking. I am scared shitless that I had hit too close to home with that. I stiffen when Skylar bites down on the collar of my T-shirt.

The one thing I remember is Skylar bites everything when he's sleeping. Kind of gross, but it does make him look like an infant. Which suits his personality.

"I wanted to apologize for almost hitting you." Felix sighs in exasperation, tension leaving his curled fingers. "I'm... Skylar... he knows I have a violence issue..." I can practically feel the rush of blood leaving my face and evaporating into pure anxiety. "Of course, him being... Skylar." Rolling his eyes, but his voice still showing gratitude. "He suggested I should talk to a shrink or something. I rejected, and he kept thinking about other alternatives. Eventually, he got me to take on boxing and ever since I was done with violence."

Okay. But why is he telling me this?

"Point is. I got mad over some things you said, and I lost it. So, sorry for that. Even though I don't think it was right, I shouldn't have stooped so low."

Words? What words?

"If you must know. You said something along the lines of 'he was so happy'. But that's bullshit..." Felix looked at Skylar and then away.

"He moved out because he wasn't."

"But..."

"He... didn't want you to worry. So he left."

"H-he was depressed?"

"Was."

I sob silently. Chanting 'oh my god' amongst other negative thoughts in my head. I caused him so much pain.

"Ryland..." Felix kneels in front of me with Skylar still sleeping soundly, head on my shoulder. "Skylar loves you, very much. Almost like a role model. A very fucking shitty role model at that." Rolling his eyes but also putting his warm and big hands on my knees.

"If Skylar loves someone..." he clears his throat. "Then by extension, I should try and... tolerate them."

My sobbing stops but tears still falling out of my eyes. Felix's hand leaves my left knee and brushes Skylar's hair back.

"So. Friends?"

~

[x]

Growth can be physical. But growing mentally surpasses the age of 19.

It never stops.

To be able to put aside the past, the drama, the history –

And to be able to take a step into someone else's heart for the benefit of a common goal –

To mend a broken soul.

Perhaps, that;

Is more than growth.

That is bravery. That;

Would be the nourishment of a new leaf, a whole new network of neurons;

A step towards the ever shining light, together.

As two broken hearts,

That join together –

Hopeful to see the blinding sun. Perhaps -

Not as one, whole, heart

But as two halves that beat in sync.

Right now,

One half beats to give endlessly,

While the other half, beats in his own void;

Patiently waiting for someone brave enough to reach in;

To guide him out of the void and meet his soul mate.