《Blind By Love》39. Regretting
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Hey my lovely readers.
Enjoy ❤️
*******
Hana's POV
After muneeb walked out of my room. I keep thinking about his words
I put my hand on my stomach and I could feel something new in me. And then I realised he was right, absolutely right. My baby needs me. It's not my baby's fault that he/her got the worst father in this world. My baby's father abandoned him/her but not me.
"Your mama is not going to hurt you my baby.. I will take care of you.. we don't need anyone.. you don't need that man as your father.. we both are enough for each other. I will be strong for you. I will make you happy. I will live for you. I will love you baby" I told my child and sat on the bed crying. It should be happy moments for me but here im crying.
No hana! You have to be strong.
I told myself and wipe my tears. I know it's not going to easy but I will try my best to make myself strong as soon as possible. Cause before my baby's birth. I have to be another strong women. I have to kill that hana whom anyone can make fool specially rahmaan.
"I will never forgive you rahmaan. Your dead for me.. and that innocent hana whom you could make a fool easily. She also dead. Now I'm only my child's mother. " I mumbled in determination.
******
"Hana I want to talked to you" aapi came to my room and said. I was sitting on the couch beside window.
"Yes aapi" I response and she sat infront of me.
"Hana.. Don't get me wrong." Aapi said hesitantly. I turned fully toward aapi.
"What aapi?" I asked and she held my hand.
"Hana.. you went through so much beta. Now I only want your happiness" I know aapi wanted to say something. So i kept silent giving aapi chance to say what she want to say.
"And for that you have to do what I'm saying" she said.
"What do you want to say aapi.?" Asked feeling anxious.
"Um..you have to abort hana" she blurted out making me instantly cover my stomach with my hand protectively. My eyes widened in shock and fear.
"Look hanu.. it's necessary for your happine...." I cut her off.
"For my happiness I have to kill my baby?" I asked in bewilderment. How can she said that. she's also a mother.
"Hanu.. think practically.. for your future you have to buried your past" she tried to convince me but my heart broke in million pieces again hearing my aapi's word.
"For my future I have to kill my baby" i mumbled feeling broken. how people were against my child. My halal child. Even it's own father.
"Hanu..."
"If you were me.. would've kill your baby for your happiness?" I asked and she look taken aback by my question.
"Your mother aapi.. I know... You know more than me what's mother is.. how she will do anything for their child.. then how can you say that?" I asked disappointed.
"Here.." I pointed toward my stomach. "Here is growing a small life.. here is beating my baby's heart.. and your saying me to kill that li..life.. stop that... be...beating he..heart" I asked my voice cracked and tear started falling down my cheeks.
"It's not a mistake aapi.. it's not a sin.. it's my love.. it's my halal child... What if rahmaan didn't love me.. but i did.. and if I something didn't went as planned then it's my responsibility.. my baby is not in fault. What its mistake... That my baby got a coward father.. who don't have the guts to accept his own child" I paused and took deep breath.
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"But I'm not coward.. if I love that coward and heartless man then I will take responsibility for my baby. I will give my baby a beautiful world.. I will bring my baby in this world. And I will make my baby strong" I said in determination.
"Who will accept you with this child?" Aapi asked and my heart stopped. Breath hitched for a moment thinking about another man.
"I don't need anyone.. i just need my aapi" I hold aapi hand." Aapi I don't have anyone except you.. please don't hate my baby just because of rahmaan.. it's my baby aapi.. please accept it" I begged intertwined my hand infront of her. Aapi instantly held my hands and shook her head. And hugged me.
"Shh... How can I hate my Hanu's child" she said and pulled back cupping my face.
"I was just frightened thinking about your future but now you make me realised that this is not your baby's fault and it's not sin. It's my Hanu's child and im accepting this" she said smiling tear slip her eyes making me sighed in relief.
******
It take me 2 months to decide what should I do and then I decided to rejoined my college. As per muneeb's suggestions
Though I wanted to be independent and for that I have to complete my studies first.
And it's two weeks I started going college again.
I walked out of my room to dinning room. At morning.
"Look she is here" Khala said happily.
"Oh. You know hana mama made kheer for you. Yesterday your saying na you wanted to eat kheer" muneeb said and I nodded while sitting beside aapi.
"Behaving like your care ha" aapi raised his eyebrows and they both exchange a look.
"What those look?" I asked suspiciously.
"Hana beta.. he wanted to eat all this saying your not coming" Khala said and I turned to muneeb raising my eyebrows. who smiled sheepishly.
"Your aapi want to eat as well" he said and I turned to aapi. She also smiled the same.
"What can we do.. ammi made world's best kheer" aapi exclaimed.
"Yes.. but this kheer is for my daughter" Khala said smiling and I smiled in Return. While missing mama.
Yes I really missed tham. Mama baba. I loved them as my own parents cause I didn't know how was my mother. Mama was always mother to me. And baba. He always tried to make me feel like my father never leave me. He never make me feel like I was not his real daughter. So that's why I love them and will always love them with all my heart.
Mama came here 3 times in all those days. Though Marzi aapi didn't wanted me to meet mama but I convince her saying they're my parents and I love them and my relationship with them as daughter and parents never will change, no matter what.
Mama tried to convince me to came with her saying that they need me. But I refused to go there. And she respected my decision and didn't force me.
We all chit chat a little and I tried my best to along with them.
"Come hana I'll drop you" muneeb said and I nodded while saying bye to all.
***
"Okay Allah Hafiz?" I said to Muneeb as we reached my college.
"I will came to pick you up" muneeb said as I was about to open the door
"No muneeb. I told you I want to be independent so please let me be. It has been 2 weeks your doing this for me. Taking me home to college. College to home. Please don't do this.. let me be myself.. I gave you permission to drop me but from college I want to come home by my own." I told him. It came out little harsh.
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"Sorry" he said looking down. And I felt bad.
"Muneeb. I'm sorry. But please understand" I said and he nodded.
"But hana.. only today. Then you will came from tomorrow by yourself at home" he said. And I sighed in defeated.
"Fine. but Tomorrow on no need to come" I said and he grinned.
"Why are you grinning?" I asked raising my eyebrows.
"Cause I planned to take you for launch today" he said. And I look at him questioningly.
"Please please princess don't say no" he pleaded with puppy dog eyes and I couldn't say no to him so I nodded.
Yes. I couldn't say no to muneeb. He was my biggest support in those 2 and half months. He really support me. He always tried to cheer me up. Making me smile with his antics. But deep down I know I'm never going to smile with my all heart.
My heart always belongs to him and that heart he broke and now I don't think I have heart to be happy. I'm not going to lie. Yess I really missed him. No matter what had happened in my life one thing was always clear. I loved him way too much to ever forgot him.
But I hate him now.
I muttered to myself and went inside my college wiping the tiny tear which escaped my eyes.
**********
After our college me and Kulsum walked out side.
"So.. how was my baby?" She asked as we stepped out of the gate. Making me smile. Whenever someone talk about my baby a smile came to my lips their own.
"Fine" I told her.
"I still can't believe hana! I'm going to be Khala (aunty)" she squeal smiling. While I just shook my head smiling seeing her excitement.
I told her everything the day I came college. I was not going to tell her but then..
Can we hide anything from our best friend.?
The answer was no.
We stood outside waiting for muneeb. She started chattering while I stood there listening her. But suddenly she tensed. I looked at her confused.
"Hey what happened?" I asked concern. She was looking at my behind. Before she could say anything or I turned to look at the person I heard the voice which shook me from inside.
"Hanu"
"Maan" his name escaped my mouth but as whisper I know he didn't heard me. I turned and look at him. He looked changed. His face became pale. Eyes filled with lots of emotions which I never saw before. And moisten too.
He ran to me and hugged. Making me hitch in my breath.
"Jaan I really missed you" he whisper in my ear. His voice felt like he was crying. Making my eyes watery.
"That's not my child" his words echoed in my mind and how he kissed ariba. I closed my eyes tightly and reopen. And this time my eyes held only hate and disgust for this man.
I pushed him hard making him stumbled a little. He looked at me shocked.
"Don't ever touch me Mr rahmaan" I said with venom. And saw pain in his eyes which I ignored it too easily that I couldn't believe myself.
I don't feel pity on him.
"Hana.. please listen to me" he pleaded. But I turned my back to him.
"Kulsum you go" I told Kulsum who shook her head and glare at rahmaan.
"Please" I pleaded and she hesitantly nodded. As she walked away from their I turned to rahmaan again.
"I don't want to talk to you.. so kindly please leave from here. And never come to my college again" I said straight face.
"Hanu please.." he was saying but I walked away from there.
"Hana... Listen" he walked behind me.
"Hana listen to me" rahmaan held my hand and force me to look at him but I instantly jerk his hand away. Cause now his touch burning me.
"I told you! Never touch me again!" I yelled pointing my finger at him.
"Okay.. okay.. I'm not going to touch you.. but please once listen to me" he begged and I smiled looking behind him.
"I don't have time to waste on useless people" I said and walked to muneeb who was standing behind rahmaan beside his car.
"Thank god you came... Let's go for lunch I'm really hungry" I said smiling while muneeb glared Rahmaan.
"Muneeb" I call him and drag him holding his hand.
We both sat in the car and drove away from there. And I let out a breath which I didn't know I was holding. This was the first time I saw rahmaan after I decided to be strong and face my problems. But seeing him. i was about to forget everything and wanted to cry and shouted on rahmaan and wanted to ask lots of questions why he did this to me. But no! He didn't even deserve my anger.
"Are you okay?" I heard muneeb's voice and look at him.
"Yes" I said and look out of the window while wiping my tiny tear from the corner of my eyes.
**********
I called her and she look at me. She was shocked seeing me and after looking at her I couldn't stop myself from hugging her. But she push me away which hurt me. And the look on her eyes make my pain increased even more. She looked at me with hate. I couldn't saw that look on her eyes for me. I was so used to see affection in those eyes for me that this looks hurt me. Killing me.
I pleaded her to listen to me. Give me chance to say something but she won't ready to give me chance to say anything. And then she suddenly smiled looking my behind and said that she didn't have time to waste on useless people. And God that hurt me even more. And then i realised how she felt when I said that to her that i didn't have time to waste on her. Hana smilingly past me. I turned and saw her going to muneeb.
She went to him and held his hand and asked him to take her on lunch and I could heard my heart broken sound.
My hana just walk over me to muneeb. I can't believe. My heart clenched in pain when hana drag muneeb to the car and sat inside. And drove away
I didn't know how much time i stood there feeling hurt but then I heard my mobile ringing voice and took out to saw Ali's call. I recieved the call and he informed me about my meeting.
"I'm coming" I said and drove to my office.
***************
Again i stood outside Hana's college. Waiting for her. It's my daily routine. I waited for her outside her college every afternoon but she didn't give me chance to say something. And walked away like she didn't recognised me.
And only my god knows how hurt I was by her behaviour but then again I deserve it. I hurt her beyond comparison.
It's been a week I was doing this but got nothing. I wasn't going to lose hope and that hope I got from my hana. How she believed in our marriage and how she endured everything to save our marriage then how can I lose faith in our marriage. now it's my turn to save our marriage at any cost.
I saw hana coming out of the college and then directly her eyes met mine and a smiled come to my lips. Knowing hana expected me here. But she only glance at me for mere second and then look away she bid Kulsum bye and walked toward a taxi which came to her way first. Yeah. Now muneeb is not coming to pick her up which gave me some peace knowing they will be away for sometimes but then again I realised that hana was going to his home.
Allah please don't melt my Hana's heart toward muneeb.
I pray this thing every time. Yes I started praying and making dua. I hope my Allah forgive me for all my sin and if he forgive me then I hope hana also forgive me soon.
I walked toward the texi.
"Hana" I was saying but she sat inside the texi and closed the door. After few seconds texi drove off.
"Tsk tsk tsk" I heard someone mocking voice from my behind. I turned to see Kulsum standing there smiling.
"How strange life it is. Isn't it?" She asked mockingly.
"What do you mean?" I asked crossing my arms.
"I mean.. a few months ago. Hana was the one who waited for you hours after college but you didn't have time to pick her up at college time. And Now! your the one who waiting for her since last week just to talk to her but now she didn't have time for you" she taunted and I sighed looking away.
She was right hana always waited for me hours after college but I always took her for granted. And came late to pick her.
"You broke her beyond imagination rahmaan. She loves you since she came to know what's love and she always trusted you that you will never hurt her intentionally. Though I always warned her about you cause I never believe that you ever love her. Boys like you never love anyone and girl like hana get hurt by loving someone like you" she said with disgust face emphasize the word you. Which pain me.
"I love her" I told her looking down.
"Hahaha.. really?" She asked laughing mockingly at me.
"If you even cared about her little bit then would've never broke her this much. You would've never tainted her like this. You would've never disgrace her like this" she yelled angrily and I lowered my head in feeling ashamed.
"I love her" I repeated again and looked at her.
"Kulsum. Trust me i love her. I'm regretting my every action. I'm regretting my every words which cause hana pain. I'm regretting with my every breath Kulsum. Now I realize how much I love. After losing her" I confessed with my moisten eyes and in the end chuckled at my cruel fate.
How unlucky I was. When hana love me I never cared about her and thought she will never leave me but now when I love her she didn't wanted to cared about me or my love.
"Your too late rahmaan. You lost her forever. She will never be yours again" she said and went away from there making my hurt's pain increased tenfold after hearing her.
"She will be mine again" I muttered and i sat inside my car and closed my eyes tightly. "I have to do something. I know hana will not going to give me chance to talk to her that easily."
I mumbled and an idea popped in my mind. "Thank you Allah" I thanks to God and smiled while starting the engine.
**************
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