He longed for the taste of Ashton's mouth against his own. Luke was wrapped up in his blankets, when he felt the bed dip, and a certain drummer crawl under his arm. Luke pretended to stay asleep, and savoured the warmth Ashton brought. Things were going to change. He promised himself, he would find out was going on with Ashton. Maybe he'd even deal with his own confrontation. Nonetheless, the Radiant boy curled up in his arms would soon be his.

But when does life give us what we want that easily?

*****

Ashton's in a really bad place, if it wasn't already clear. His anxiety was through the roof, and his self confidence in the gutters. He couldn't stand himself these days, avoiding looking in mirrors, because it only prompted him to pick out what he hated.

His stupid smile.

His ugly body.

His disgusting curves.

His weird dimples.

His stomach fat.

He hated every bit. Ashton was on his own, drowning in his own self hate. Oh, and to top it off? He was fucking gay. Feldy knew, and that's why Ashton never got another girlfriend for publicity. Feldy knew, that Ashton was sick. He wasn't normal and he was disgusting. Maybe that's why Ashton was the least favourite.

So Ashton was living his life, disgusted with the very thought of his own existence, until Luke fucked things up. Luke had to go and make Ashton feel wanted. He had to go and make Ashton feel loved. Of course he felt loved, if Luke Hemmings kisses you, you're clearly doing something right.

And when Ashton had kissed him back? Luke let him, holding him close. It felt nice really, having Luke hold him so protectively, but he messed it up. He made Luke upset and fucked it up. Of course he did. Ashton can never have anything good. Instead the world gives him little tastes of heaven, before the snatch it back, reminding him of what could never be his.

Ashton had always been fond of Luke, but these days, when Luke made him feel the way he did, Ashton began to realize he may have feelings for his band mate.

But Ashton didn't want Luke to know what he'd so carefully hid from the rest of the world. Ashton was sure Luke suspected something, and maybe a part of him wanted Luke to find out. Maybe a part of him wanted to be saved.

Those stupid blue eyes that were as vast as an ocean, they were drowning Ashton, yet his lifeline.

All of this overwhelmed Ashton to the point where he couldn't ignore the itch in his fingers, and he gently padded into the bathroom, shaky hands separating the razor.

He reached for his wrists, stopping when he remembered that Luke had easily grabbed them. Instead, Ashton lifts up his shirt, and slides the blade across his stomach, the angry red lines filling every spot unoccupied by scars.

Warm tears are spilling down his face, blurring his vision and causing his head to ache.

He wasn't weak, if he resorted to cutting. He only did, because it was pain he had control over. Hell, the reason he'd went and dyed his hair red was because of the blood. He was mesmerized by the dripping crimson liquid, and he decided he liked how it looked on him.

Before long, loud, broken sobs were leaving his body, and he couldn't help himself. Ashton felt so drained, and it was only 4:30am. Eventually, he can't cry anymore, so he returns to the bed, squinting in the darkness to see if Luke was sleeping. He leans closer, startled when Luke's hands grabs his hips and pulls him down.

Luke rolls them over, and kisses Ashton's nose and then lips, and Ashton feels himself smile. His cuts sting under the pressure of Luke's body, as the two roll around, but Ashton still feels less hurt and lonely than he did mere moments before.

They share quiet laughs and giggles, and as expected, there are a few involuntary crotch rubs. One thing leads to another, and soon, Luke's leaving open mouthed kisses all over Ashton's neck, and Ashton can't think of anything else but Luke and sex.

It's only when Luke's fingers trial the hem of his t-shirt does Ashton push him off.

"Fuck Luke, we can't do this"

"I know, that's why...I'm gonna break up with Sierra...only if you want me?"

"Of course I want you, but you can't seriously want to leave her for...me"

"No, you're perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. But it's not right to break up over phone. I'm going to end it when we're at the Forum in a couple of weeks"

"But, you're gonna regret it. Luke I'm me, and she's beautiful and talented and doesn't hide things from you"

"Ashton, you obviously hid that you aren't straight, and the fact that I know, is a big step. You're going to tell me the rest in your own time, and I'll wait, always for you. But put the world away, and for today, let me be with you. Let me love you and take you out. Please"

"...o-ok Luke"

Luke pulls Ashton into a hug, burying his face into Ashton's messy black hair. He held him like that for a moment, before pressing a kiss by his earlobe, where strands curled under his ear, and gently tugging on the small hoop with his teeth.

Ashton cuddled further into Luke's chest, letting himself be held. He always had pressure, being the oldest, and sometimes he needed just this, to be held and cared for.

Luke's heartbeat echoes in Ashton's mind, and he smiles to himself, letting the quiet rhythm lull him into a slumber.

*****

When Ashton wakes up again, it's half past 9. Luke's already awake, doing a little dance as he hops around the room, trying to squeeze into his jeans. He eventually, in the true Luke Hemmings grace, he trips, and Ashton holds back a laugh, instead crawling out of bed to help him out.

When Luke's finally ready, Ashton shuffles through the suitcase to pick what he wanted to wear, because he wasn't going to be bothered by having to walk all the way back to his room. He pulls out a pair of skinnies and a pale rose hoodie, which he absolutely adored. The jeans fit Ashton a bit tighter at the thighs, and are a bit too long, which only makes him feel more self conscious.

He tries to ignore the bitter voices, with limited success

*****

It's an off day, one of the few they had for the next two or three weeks, so Luke planned on taking full advantage and spending every moment with Ashton.

*****