"Dad?" a small voice said as Luke was slowly brought back to consciousness. Luke slowly opened his eyes, feeling his eyelids were like sandpapers against his eyeballs, before looking up at Leon.

His son was looking down at him with confused eyes, while his small hands were placed over Luke's chest.

Luke had barely slept anything last night. He had just laid on the couch with a lump in his throat and tears falling down his cheeks. If he focused really hard, he could hear Ashton crying from their bedroom, and it pained Luke so much.

Luke knew it was his fault and he knew he probably deserved to be reminded of it, but there was a limit to how much his mind and body could take. He was soon past that limit.

"Dad?" Leon asked again, this time shaking his father lightly. Luke blinked and focused his gaze on Leon before reaching out and pulled the small boy in his arms.

"I'm sorry" Luke breathed out as he held his son close to his chest.

"It's okay, you were only sleeping" Leon answered, not knowing his father was apologizing for a whole other thing, and Luke had to bite his lip harshly to not start sobbing again.

"I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt you" Luke whispered as he tightened his hold on Leon.

"But I'm not hurt, dad" Leon spoke against Luke's chest before pulling away to smile up at his father.

"I know" Luke breathed out, both in relief and regret, before bringing Leon closer again.

"Dad!" another voice called, making Luke glance up and smile as Peach ran up to him. He held Leon under one arm while wrapping the other one around Peach, keeping both his kids close to himself.

"I've missed you guys so much" Luke murmured and kissed the top of their heads.

"We have missed you too," Peach said and lifted her chin to look up at Luke, "Dad missed you too, he talked about you all the time"

As Peach giggled and hugged him back again, Luke's face dropped at what she had told him. His heart stung and his head hurt. His body was breaking down bit after bit each second that passed by, and soon he couldn't take it.

He recognized the feeling of his body shutting down. He had promised himself to never let this happen to him again, but now when it did he felt like he couldn't stop it.

"Dad, guess what?" Leon asked soon after and looked up at Luke with a wide grin.

"What?" Luke asked in a hoarse voice, his dry throat hurting when he tried to pretend he was fine.

"I cooked so much food while you were away and I taught dad how to make cupcakes!" Leon said as his face was gleaming in pride and happiness.

"That's amazing," Luke whispered and ran a hand through Leon's light brunette hair, "I'm proud of you, bud"

"Thank you" Leon said and smiled big as he patted Luke's cheek and giggled. "I'm gonna be just as good as you, dad"

"Yeah," Luke mumbled and cried himself a river deep down in his mind, "You'll grow up to be much better than I am-"

"Peach, Leon. We're leaving"

Luke looked up and placed his eyes on Ashton who was standing in the doorway into the living room. Ashton's eyes were harsh and tired, but Luke could still see how broken they were. Ashton quickly looked away from Luke to glance at his children instead.

"We're saying hi to dad-"

"Yeah. We're leaving" Ashton repeated, cutting his daughter off with a distressed look on his face.

"But I want to be with dad. I haven't been with dad for so many days" Leon said and pouted at Ashton.

"Yeah, but I need to drop you off before work" Ashton said before lifting his eyes to look at Luke again. "And your father will probably be here. He doesn't seem to do much work nowadays"

Luke licked his lip before pursing them as his heart ached in his chest. He looked at Ashton with glossy eyes and cleared his throat weakly as everyone in the room were completely silent.

"If you need to leave this early I can take them? I'm going to work around 10, so it's fine, baby" Luke said softly, watching Ashton stare down at the floor while biting his bottom lip.

"No, I want to take them" Ashton said and shook his head.

"But, dad-" Peach whined quietly, but Ashton cut her off before she had time to say anything else.

"Please, just go get your backpacks and get dressed. I want to leave" Ashton said, his voice getting weaker at the end and his eyes were still locked to the floor.

Luke sighed and nodded his head before rubbing his children's backs. "Do as dad tells you. I'll see you two later today," he said and smiled tightly down at the small ones, "I love you"

Both the toddlers mumbled their responses before running off to their rooms to get their backpacks and everything they needed. Luke and Ashton were left alone in the living room; Luke looking at Ashton with soft eyes, while Ashton was running a hand through his hair in desperation.

"How've you been sleeping?" Luke asked quietly, knowing fully well it was an awful question to ask, but Luke just needed anything but silence around him and Ashton.

"I haven't slept" Ashton mumbled back, making Luke sigh quietly.

"Me neither," Luke spoke and slowly stood up from the couch, "I haven't slept since I left for New York"

"I bet you haven't, you were busy doing other things" Ashton muttered, making the words jab into Luke's chests like if knifes were cutting him.

"Ashton," Luke whispered out pleadingly, "It's not like that, and you know it"

"Do I know that, Luke?" Ashton asked as he glanced up to look at Luke again. Luke bit his lip harshly and nodded his head as he slowly walked closer to Ashton.

"You know you do, baby. I'm stupid and I'm fucked up, but I love you. It's only you" Luke said and carefully reached one hand out to place it on Ashton's cheek.

Ashton let Luke's hand stay on his cheek, but his face was still showing hesitation. It hurt Luke, but he understood the reason for it.

"Just let me prove to you that what I did was the biggest mistake I have ever made" Luke added in a whisper.

Ashton watched him with clear hazel-green eyes, making Luke's insides burn, while keeping completely quiet. Luke stayed silent as he waited for Ashton to answer him, but an answer never came.

"We're ready, dad!" Peach and Leon called from the hallway, making the two fathers get back to the moment.

Ashton bit his bottom lip and sighed before gently grabbing Luke's wrist to peel his hand away from his cheek.

"I need to go" Ashton mumbled before turning around to leave. Luke breathed out shakily before following the older boy.

"Ashton," he whispered and his voice was breaking as tears started to form in his eyes, "Can you please answer me? Just to assure me you're still mine"

Ashton looked down at the floor and gulped down all his emotions as he yet again peeled Luke's hands away from him.

"I'll see you after work" Ashton spoke before walking over to their kids and helped them with their shoes. Leon and Peach gave Luke hugs as they said their goodbyes, before walking over to Ashton again.

"Okay, bye" Ashton mumbled and opened the door, letting the kids exit the apartment first.

"Baby," Luke whispered, making Ashton stop and close his eyes, "I love you. Okay?"

Ashton breathed heavily and nodded his head before opening his eyes and looked at Luke with glossy eyes.

"Okay" Ashton answered before exiting the apartment and closed the door, leaving Luke all alone in silence.

**

"Luke, you've got the steak ready?" Tim asked and eyed Luke with furrowed eyebrows as the blonde was simply staring at the pan, watching the steak cook.

"Oh, um" Luke mumbled and looked up at Tim with bloodshot eyes. He took the steak off the pan and placed it on a plate before sending it over to Tim. The younger boy eyed the meat on the plate and pursed his lips before slowly looking up at Luke again.

"This is really burnt" Tim said carefully, obviously noticing Luke's vulnerable state.

"Fuck, sorry," Luke sighed and took the plate to dump the steak in the garbage, "I'll start over"

"Are you okay?" Tim asked instead, ignoring Luke's confusing mumbles.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Really, really fine" Luke sighed and took his snapback off to run a hand through his hair before placing the snapback on his head again.

"I don't really believe you," Tim spoke carefully, "Are you sure you should really be here right now? Maybe you should go home? You look exhausted"

"No, I need to work," Luke spoke and shook his head, "I really owe Dan this"

"Okay" Tim spoke, knowing he probably shouldn't argue with the blonde.

They didn't speak after that. Luke started another steak and Tim sent Luke worried glances as he worked on his own dish. Luke tried to keep his focus but it was hard to not think about how much his chest ached.

"Hi, handsome" Lexi spoke as she entered the kitchen while tying her apron around her waist. Tim smiled as she leaned over the counter and pecked him on the lips.

"Hi, blondie. How was New York" Lexi spoke and smiled at Luke before picking up three ready plates from the counter.

Luke couldn't take it. He couldn't take seeing his friends being happily in love with each other and watch them kiss, and he couldn't take Lexi asking him about the trip to New York.

"I-I need to go to the bathroom" Luke stuttered before rushing out of the kitchen and up the stairs, stumbling into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Luke slid down against the wall and held his head in his hands as he breathed quickly. Panic was rising up in his chest, clogging his throat to the point where Luke could barely breathe.

The worst part of it was that Luke wasn't fighting the feeling of himself falling out of consciousness. And the way Luke slowly wrapped his own hands around his throat made him remember how it was just like it had been 5 years ago.

Luke was desperately trying to please every single person in his life, and when he couldn't do that he absolutely hated himself. He was so disappointed in himself for hurting so many people, and he felt himself slip away from the rights to live.

Luke was such an passionate lover. He had loved Dani with everything he had, and he gained nothing in return. He was left alone, and by the way he had loved so hard, his whole world had fallen apart.

Seeing Dani again brought back those intense and strong feelings he had once had, and by the way Luke was so careful and passionate with his feelings, he saved every single one of them. He loved Dani.

But he loves Ashton.

With Ashton he gained the same feelings back. He was never alone, he had gained a family, and with Ashton the feelings were so goddamn strong. With Ashton he had everything, and he had ruined it.

Luke's hands lost their feeling and they fell hopelessly down to his sides as he painfully coughed. Silent tears were running down his cheeks, and his head fell back in exhaustion as his body gained back its oxygen.

Luke had ruined himself. He had ruined Ashton. He had ruined Leon. He had ruined Peach. He had ruined everyone who he loved, and it stung his heart so badly that he was actually believing it was breaking down into thousands of pieces.

After hours of being locked inside the bathroom - or maybe it was only minutes, Luke didn't know - someone knocked on the door, startling Luke back to reality.

"Luke?" a voice called and Luke immediately recognized it as Michael's. Luke had to glance around to still check that he was still in the bathroom of the restaurant, before glancing at the door again.

"Luke, if you hear us you need to open or I'll have to bash this fucking door open" Calum's voice was now heard, making Luke furrow his eyebrows.

"Luke, I swear to god-" Calum spoke once again but cut himself off when the door was opened and Luke was looking at them with dark blue and bloodshot eyes. The two boys looked at their friend before Michael took a step forward and jabbed a finger against Luke's chest.

"What the fuck were you thinking? Was the first betrayal not enough for you?" Michael asked in a harsh voice and pushed Luke back until the blonde had his back pressed against the wall.

"Michael" Calum said in a stern tone before pushing Michael away from Luke so he could stand in front of Luke himself. "Did you really cheat on Ashton with Dani in New York?" Calum asked, making Luke flinch at the name.

"I-I kissed her" Luke spoke honestly, since he saw no reasons to lie. Both Calum and Michael sighed out in frustration and eyed Luke sternly.

"And where in your little world did you find a sign that said that this was a good idea?" Michael asked and Luke was silently crying as his friends were scolding him.

"Nowhere" Luke whispered, making Michael scoff.

"Michael, just step back, alright?" Calum said and gave Michael a warning look before turning to Luke. "Have you done something to yourself? Hurt yourself, like the last time?" Calum asked and Luke shut his eyes closed at the question.

His response was a simple shrug of his shoulders, making both Calum and Michael lock their jaws harshly.

"Well, don't. It doesn't solve anything. Hurting yourself won't solve a single thing, so stop even thinking about it" Calum said and placed a hand on Luke's shoulder. "Dan called and told me everything. You're so fucking stupid Luke, and I really don't know what else to tell you"

"I know" Luke whispered and clenched his fists to focus on not crying.

"I don't want what happened 5 years ago to happen again, Luke. I really fucking don't. Or do you? Do you wanna put your son through that shit again?" Calum asked softly and Luke only sobbed as he shook his head.

"You have a family, Luke. A real family with two kids and a fiancé. You don't need her in your life anymore" Michael spoke, his voice also softer now.

"I know" Luke whispered again.

"Then tell me why the fuck you did this" Michael said, and Luke ran a hand through his hair as he sobbed once again.

"Because I loved her" Luke mumbled, but the words tasted bad as they formed in his mouth.

"So?" Michael said and frowned deeply, "You loved her and that's it"

"Since when did you fall back in love with her?" Calum asked and he also wore a deep frown.

"I haven't fallen back in love with her. She's my first love, I'll always have to love her" Luke mumbled and Michael's face dropped.

"That's what you think?" he asked and Luke nodded his head. "Luke, just because she was your first love doesn't mean she has to keep meaning anything to you. She was just that; a first love, nothing else. Ashton however, Ashton is everything"

"First love always means a lot" Luke whispered because that was what his body and brain believed. It must mean something since his emotions had been so strong and - to put it bluntly - so fucking obsessive.

"Who gives a fuck about their first love?!" Michael snapped, making Calum step back and run a hand over his face in frustration.

"Who gives a fuck about your first love, Luke? Give a round of fucking applause for your second love, because he taught you love still exists after you thought it was completely dead"

And after that, Luke was completely convinced that Dani was no one, and Ashton was everything.

•••

everyone deserves a best friend who buys you concert tickets and mine just bought us tickets to coldplay

info: so there will probably be exactly 30 chapters+epilogue and it makes me kind of sad that it's over soon and i know some of you wanted a sequel but i haven't made up my mind about that yet :)

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