dear ash,

rain stopped. had to go. see you later. x

- luke.

i read that small note the morning i woke up to empty arms and a empty feeling in my chest. that was about four weeks ago. the rain hasn't come back, which mean luke hasn't come back. which means i've been very depressed lately; listening to sad music, sleeping a lot, eating less, basically the whole package that comes with depression. i quit my job at the record store; i just stopped showing up. i stopped a lot of things in the past month. like staying awake during the day. i like to sleep all day and be awake during the night. i guess you can call me a night owl.

michael has been knocking on my door, repeatedly, for the past four days and it's getting a tad annoying. when he first knocked, i answered and told him i was too tired to talk, because i was. the second, which was the next day, i just didn't answer the door at all; i didn't have the animosity to get out of bed. he's tried calling me, also, but i don't pick up. along with calum and charlie. but i'm just not in the mood to socialize, why can't they see that and leave me alone? god.

so, here i am, sitting in my living room all by myself. honestly, i'm bored out of my mind. there's one thing i like; to be alone. but there's also one thing i hate; being lonely. they're completely different. and right now i feel very lonely. and i'm a bit cold aswell, which isn't good considerig the fact that i don't have any heat. hey, did you just think i moved in here and didn't have to pay any bills? i don't have any money to pay anything. i barely payed this months rent with the money i saved up from the little time i had a job. but, besides that, i have no electricity or heat or anything. i can't even charge my phone anymore because, hello? no electricity. and my computer died so i can't hook it up to that. it's like i don't even exist right now. i'm just kinda here. do you know how shitty that can make someone feel? well, i'll answer that for you; very. literally, i'm just happy that i have a clock that doesn't need to be plugged in, because then i would be lost and just- no.

i decide to actually check out the rest of my house that i've chosen to abandon for the past four months, and see if there's anything packed away in my boxes that i can use to entertain myself. 

bringing a blanket along, i get up off my floor and walk towards, what's supposed to be, my bedroom. it's a bit dim, considering the weather outside is terrible, but it's bright enough for me to see a bit.

i take in the sight of the many piles of boxes around the room and sigh. there's gotta be at least 25 boxes here. god, where did all this stuff come from?

i decide to start off with the ones towards the back of the room and make my way out. so, i push my way through the pile of boxes and come to a peculiar looking one in the corner. it's not even cardboard, it's like a wooden chest. it has the letters L.H. carved into it right on the top. great, the first box i find is probably some fucking jumanji game; brilliant.

"what the hell?" i mumble, wiping some of the dust off the rather large chest and observing it. i sit down in front of it and cross my legs, blowing onto it harshly to get the dust off, but that just makes me cough as the dust goes flying around my face. i cough a couple times, swatting my hand around my face trying to get the dust to fade away. thankfully, it does, and i begin to open the chest, curiosity bursting through me.

my eyebrows scrunch together as i see what looks like a journal- a couple, actually- and some folded up notes and also what appears to be a scrapbook. L.H is written on everything. what in the actual hell? these aren't mine, no way these are mine. i'm no L.H.

wait a minute.

L.H.

...Luke Hemmings?

luke's pov.

"i think he's remembering, it's okay!"

"no, it's not okay, luke! you know what they said, and you put the chest there anyway! god, can't you do something right for once?!"

"i-i didn't think it was a big deal-"

"WELL IT IS, LUKE! IT A BIG DEAL AND NOW HE'S GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING!"

"michael, calm down. he didn't know-"

"BUT THAT'S JUST IT, CAL! HE KNOW AND HE STILL FUCKING DID IT!"

i was already a crying mess by now, shaking violently, hiccuping, eyes burning; the whole shabang. i just keep saying sorry, but if i'm being honest, i'm really not sorry. it's time that ashton knows what's been going on. he's not a little kid anymore, he's not ninteen anymore, it's not like he can't think for himself. i just don't think michael understands that. ashton deserves to know what's going on with him and, frankly, i'm getting tired of hiding it from him. it's exhausting, and i'm not that good an actor when it comes to being around him; my true actions come out when i get near him. i used to be able to control it; now, i just can't.

"well don't you think it's about time he knows?! he's twenty fucking three michael! twenty three! not fifteen! we've been hiding this for three years, don't you think that's enough?! for gods sake!" calum shouts, hid fists clench against the coucb.

that shuts michael up. for a little while, at least.

"he won't answer any of our calls, texts, nothing. let's just go over there and see what's up."

"NO!" mikey shouts, but i can see that he stops himself. "he can't find out, you guys," michael mumbles, a bit more calm now. "he...he just can't. he can't handle it, he fucking can't. he's...he's not ready."

"not ready, mikey?" i pause, "or aren't?" i ask, my voice more stern than i expected.

michael doesn't speak for the rest of the night.

+

i decide not to snoop through the chest, considering it's not mine. isn't that like illegal? i mean, as much as it kills me, i'm not going to look through it. if it's luke's, it's luke's. hell, it could be someone name laura maybe even lance. it might not even be luke's.

at least, that's what i keep telling myself. i just don't understand- if it is luke's- how he got it in here in the first place. it's quite big and i was with him twenty-four-seven.

but, it's not luke's, nope. it's not his. it just has the aame initials as his all over it. yeah, that's it.

i shake my head softly, trying to get these thoughts out of my head and quickly walk out of the room, shutting the door behind me. i'll just go back to sleep, that'll be nice; sleep is always nice.

lucky enough, the rain outside helps me fall asleep because as soon as my head lands on my pillow, i'm sound asleep.

+

lolz