In this chapter you'll get to know Darcy a little better (:

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I get back home, lie on my bed, I wish I could just stay here forever, I'm safe here no one can hurt me.

I've been told I have bipolar through assessments and councillors, I can go weeks feeling like everything is good in the world, that no one can bring me down or destroy me, then it'll come crashing down and for weeks I won't want to carry on. I've attempted to commit a few times, I couldn't even do that right.

You can't do anything right.

I shake my head, I attempted years ago when dad left and a few years before that, all overdose. I've been told I suffer from depression but really I don't know what goes on in my head, I just want it to stop.

I didn't wanna go to this barbecue but Amelia was nice enough to ask me but I feel like Issac forced her too, it was making me feel sick even thinking about going, I just want to stay here I don't wanna be around people I don't know in a big crowd.

I sigh and close my eyes and start to meditate, it helps me relax and just forget for a few minutes while I drift off.

At least I'll have Ellie at the barbecue with Yasmine and Amelia, Amelia's so sweet and kind she reminds me of a baby dear in a way.

"Darc?" Ezra gently knocks on the door, "Wanna come downstairs? We ordered pizza" He remains quiet and gentle, I sit up shaking my head.

"C'mon, Darc please? It's just the four of us, we're watching a movie" He smiles walking more into my bedroom, I don't really like many people in my bedroom, this is my safe place only people who I trust can come in here.

"Okay" I mumble I don't want to but it's only Joseph and mom, plus I can see Ezra wants me to join.

I go downstairs and sit in the corner chair cuddling up, "That's my chair" Joseph says harshly looking down at me, "Oh sorry, I didn't know" I mumble about to get up but mom stops me, "Joe let her sit there just for now, she doesn't join us often" She frowns.

"That's a good thing" He rolls his eyes, "But whatever Darcy wants Darcy gets" He mumbles under his breath sitting in another chair.

We watch one of mom's favourite movies and I start to enjoy myself eating pizza and laughing, I feel like I haven't laughed in ages, not this hard even Joseph was having fun which was surprising even since dad left he's been very distant, with me anyways.

After the movie ends I trot myself up to bed, I wash my face, I can't stand washing my face some days having to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I can compliment myself, some days I point out every bad feature on my face - my eyes, my cheekbones my nonexistent jawline, my nose, lips, forehead everything, it's like nothing fits.

I splash water on my face and start to cleanse, I scrub away at it until I can feel the burn, I deserve pain, I scrub and scrub and run the hot water until I can see the steam rising from it, I splash it all onto my face, I scream at the pipping hot water on my face.

I carry on, splash after splash until I'm a mess, I slide down the side tears rushing out of my face, my skin is red raw but I deserve it, I deserve pain even the tears hurt when they slide down my face.

Why do I always feel like this? Destroyed, I've had a good night, at college I put a face on, a smile is so simple for me to smack onto my face and tell everyone I'm okay, at home it's just the same I can convince everyone apart from Ezra that I'm okay, that I'm not mentally destroyed.

Tears after a tears until there's possibly no more water left in my body. I feel defeated and empty and I've no idea why, not like I have a bad life I've a good home, my dad left but we're still pretty open and close, I've good friends and my mom is always supportive and doing her best for all of us and I've all this stuff in my head.

Sometimes I just wish I wasn't here.

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College goes by, I force myself through the next day, forcing myself to put a smile on, I think Issac can see right through it which scares me but I don't see why he'd care anyways.

The next day goes by like a blur, all I think about is returning home and curling up for hours and hours until Ezra comes and puts me on his bed, I normally just curl up at the end because I don't like being alone at night when I'm like this, I'm scared of myself and he knows that.

I'm on waiting lists for councillors, no one seems to care I'm not as important as other kids with other illnesses but they don't understand everyday is a fight for me, I'm proud of myself when I've completed a whole day. I've been to A&E and everything, I want nothing more but help but no one seems to be interested and I just feel so empty and alone.

I find myself sitting on my own at college, nearly the end of the day and everyone's off doing something, except me, I'm sitting staring out the window.

"Hey Darc, are you still coming to our barbecue tonight?" Amelia comes over to me with a smile, I nod my head, I really don't like being around strangers but I didn't want to be alone and Issac will be there.

"Oh good! I was wondering if you wanted to sleep round mine?" She sits down next to me, "Yeah sure, thank you" I force a smile I don't like being apart from my room but again I don't want to be alone.

"It's no problem! I'm so excited" She squeals. I smile, Amelia was very sweet and I want to get to know her more, we could be good friends.

She goes back to class but I don't, I stay sitting I should be in class but for some reason I just wanted to break down and cry, I can't explain my emotions that's the terrible thing about all this, I can't explain what I'm feeling.

I pull out my sketch book and let my hands take out all my emotion, I sit and draw, I draw tears, blood, anger, sadness everything that's burning inside of me, I then draw peace and positivity because no matter how I'm feeling I always just have to relax and think about the good things I have in my life.

Amelia comes back I hadn't noticed the time, Issac drives to my house so I can pick up some stuff which was sweet of him, Ezra wasn't home which really upset me as he's the only person who keeps me positive and actually gives me a proper smile to put on my face.

This whole day is going by like a blur because next thing I'm at Amelia's house, it's massive, I step out the car and admire the view, "Like it?" Amelia comes up next to me, "It's beautiful" I whisper, she smiles and takes my hand.

"You can stay in a spare room tonight if you want?" Issac suggests and I nod my head I think after being around loads of people I'll need to give myself some space but now I worry about being alone, "Follow me, Darling Darcy" Issac smiles and leads me up the grand set of stairs.

"This is Amelia's room" He points to doors as we walk down the corridor, "Andrews" He taps on a door with Andrews name on which confuses me even more they always talk about him in past tense yet he's got a room still, "And here's mine, right next to spare bedroom" He smirks but I just blink at him, "Darc" He frowns and puts his arm around me, "Are you okay?" I instantly push him off rather harsh I didn't expect that of me, I breath heavy and step back, I don't know what's come over me, "I'm fine" I nod.

"Darcy I'm sorry, I shouldn't of done that" He frowns, "Do you wanna see something?" He suddenly smiles, "Okay" I nod.

He gently takes my hand which I allow because I feel terribly bad for violently pushing him off. He takes me down the corridor and outside to a balcony, "Down there" He points.

I poke my head down and see a beautiful swimming pool with a massive bed in a glass room, it looks so cosy, "Andrew could never sleep at night so I made this area for him, the pool was already there but I made him a room almost just to protect the bed really but also so he could still see the stars, I saw you draw a night full of stars the other day in lesson and thought I'd show you this, Andrew loved it" He smiles looking down at it, I see his eyes turn glossy but he blinks it away.

I find myself hugging him, "I'm sorry for being mean earlier, I don't know why I did that" I frown, "I've just been in a bad place lately" I then sit down on a little chair that's on the balcony.

"What's up?" Issac kneels down in front of me, "Nothing just a few problems" I shrug, "Are you sure? You can tell me anything I'm your friend and I'm here for you" I smile at him, I appreciate him being my friend.

"I don't wanna talk about it but thank you I appreciate that" Ezra told me to not tell people about my problems in case I can't trust them.

We both stand up and he takes me to the spare room, it was beautiful with a queen size bed, a telly on the wall, massive wardrobe, beautifully decorated, "Thank you" I smile, he nods before leaving me to my own devices, I let out a breath of air.

I just feel like my life is going past my eyes and I can't even see it, I just need to take a step back and breath. Maybe after tonight I will be okay, maybe I just need something to take my mind off all this stuff, be around people who make me laugh and just relax, there's gonna be strangers yes and it makes me nervous but I'll be with my friends and I brought some nice clothes - well what I think are nice.

"Hey Darc?" Amelia gently knocks on the door, "Wanna get ready? People will arrive in about an hour" She smiles, "Hopefully it'll stay quite a nice night for the barbecue" She smiles.

I stand up and take my bag, "Yeah, lets get ready" I smile.

I take a breath and watch her leave the room before I follow her, I can be strong and do this.

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This chapter might seem a little rushed but I'm writing from experience, I suffer with the problems Darcy does that was the whole point of this book was to write down and express how I feel, how days can fly by, how my mood can change in days, weeks, minuets, how when someone touches me I wanna push them to the other side of the room, Darcy is a completely different person to me, I didn't want her to be based off what I'm like or what I'm interested in she just suffers with my problems but we're different.

I also wanted to say I did take time out and plan this book, I have ideas and plots for different characters so I hope you enjoy (:

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