⚠️WARNING: Some heavy themes will feature throughout this chapter.⚠️

Sitting alone in a cold, empty room with nothing but the grey walls to distract me; I'm forced to listen as the doctor on the other side of the door explains to my family that I've suffered a miscarriage at six weeks of pregnancy.

Hearing those fatal words has my stomach churning and an overwhelming feeling of guilt shooting through my entire being. The dull pain lingering in the pit of my stomach is nagging at me and acts as a constant reminder of what my body has done, what I have done.

I lost our baby.

I close my eyes in a desperate attempt to block out my surroundings and much to my annoyance, it doesn't work. I can still hear as Anna demands to know more information, I can still smell the overpowering, domestic scent that all hospitals seem to hold and I can still feel my sadness as it consumes me from the inside out.

How can I have been so stupid? If I just got myself here sooner, maybe things would be different.

My erratic thoughts are interrupted when I hear the door creak and I cautiously open my eyes to find a tall man with dirt blonde hair and blue-green eyes strolling in. He looks professional in his attire and his painted on smile suggests he has this performance down to a T.

He locks his eyes onto mine and drags the chair across the room so that he can seat himself opposite me.

"Hello Amelia, I'm Dr. Heathman. How are you feeling?" he asks, sympathy radiating off of him.

I nod my head slowly and squeak out my reply,

"Fine."

The biggest lie known to mankind.

He studies my face for a brief moment and shoots me a warm smile. Taking his notes, he scans over the piece of paper with great intensity before bringing his eyes up to meet mine again.

"You're seventeen, correct?" he asks.

Once again, nodding my head, I answer him,

"Yes, I'm eighteen next month."

He places the notes on the bed next to me and offers me his undivided attention.

"According to your sister, you were aware of your pregnancy?" he asks, his voice as soft as silk.

His words have me cringing and a fresh, sickening wave of hate pulses through me.

I hate myself.

I nod my head; too scared to speak.

Dr. Heathman shifts in his chair and maintains strong eye contact with me.

"Okay, I need you to listen to what I'm going to say Amelia, it's really important." he says, the sudden urgency seeping through in his voice making me tense.

I attach my eyes on to his and try my hardest to focus on his words.

"You've suffered a miscarriage which will have some physical effects on you. The bleeding and the pain you're experiencing now is the tissue passing out of your body. This can last for up to seven days or even go on as long as fourteen days. Once the pain and the bleeding has stopped, this usually indicates the miscarriage has finished." he explains, taking his time; making sure I can understand everything he is saying.

"If, after fourteen days, nothing has changed; you should refer back to the hospital and we'll have someone check you over." he says, his eyes glaring into mine.

I nod my head, assuring him I understand.

"You may also experience emotional damage, which is completely normal and to be expected in cases like this. We have various options for you and different counselling methods which I can give you more information on. I've already spoken to your father about this and he's agreed to have you see a counsellor in the next couple of weeks." he continues, using a voice which has me thinking he's recited this speech many times.

"For now, I can let your family in while I clear your paperwork. It shouldn't take longer than an hour and once I'm done, you're free to go home." he says, getting off of his chair and standing straight.

Clearing his throat, he continues to speak,

"Your body is going through a minor trauma and you need to look after It. Plenty of rest for the next two weeks, please." he advises, before smiling and turning to leave.

Reaching for the door handle; he, once again, opens his mouth to speak,

"I'm deeply sorry for your loss Amelia." he says, pity filling his words.

I say nothing in response; instead allowing my gaze to fall to the floor as if suddenly the ground becomes the most interesting thing in the world.

His choice of words, once again, has me cringing and no matter how many times I hear that statement; I will never get used to it.

First my mom and then Jane; now this.

My mind is in a complete haze and my thoughts are scattered all over the place. Anger grips at my stomach and the sudden urge to scream my lungs out becomes overbearing. The door slowly opens; revealing a very concerned looking Anna and she wastes no time is throwing her arms around me.

"You're so brave. I love you." she whispers into my ear.

She pulls away from me and gives my shoulders an encouraging squeeze. Her attention turns to dad and an unspoken moment passes between the two. Anna doesn't look impressed as she shakes her head disapprovingly at him and I find myself questioning their strange behaviour.

I don't have much time to speculate because I'm suddenly being pulled towards Hannah's chest and wrapped into her loving embrace. My nostrils fill with her perfumed scent which instantly sends my emotions into overdrive.

I want my mom.

All too soon, her motherly hug is over with and next to take me into their arms is my dad. He pulls me into his chest and squeezes my body with just the right amount of force that shows me he cares without hurting my already tender body.

"I love you so much, kiddo." he tells me with nothing but love lacing his voice.

I match his force by squeezing him back and burying my face deeper into his chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I tell him over and over, until eventually the words have no meaning anymore.

He lifts my head up with his two strong hands and forces me to look at him

"I was going to tell you, I was." I say, desperately trying to explain myself.

He simply shakes his head and offers me a weak smile.

"You have nothing to be sorry for baby girl; just don't ever be scared to tell me anything ever again. You're my daughter and I'll always love you, no matter what." he says, chocking on his words.

I know his emotions are getting the better of him and Hannah must sense it too. She walks up to him and places a gentle kiss on his upper arm. Reaching her arm out and resting it on my lap she smiles at me.

"We'll get through this, as a family." she says, gripping my leg a little tighter.

Anna walks up to us and positions her hand on top of Hannah's matching her smile.

"I agree, you'll be fine Amelia, this is no one's fault." she says, shooting dad a stern look while doing so.

It doesn't go unnoticed and I find myself, once again, questioning their odd exchange.

Hannah clears her throat, dragging my attention away from Anna and dad. She shoots me a supportive look and uses her thumb to gently massage my lap in a motherly way.

"Aidan is waiting outside." she states, slowly.

"Would you like to see him?" she asks, letting me have a minute or two to think over my reply.

My insides twist at the mention of his name. I want to see him so bad but at the same time, I don't.

How can I look the man I love in the eye and explain to him that I lost our baby?

"Does he know?" I ask, already dreading the answer.

Hannah nods her head and brings her hand to my cheek.

"You don't have to see him now but you should know he's desperate to see you, sweetie." she says, caressing my cheek with her thumb.

As I register her words, a wave of nausea ripples through my stomach; making the pain more noticeable. I can't think of anything worse than having to face Aidan right now but I nod my head at her nevertheless.

"We'll leave and send him in." she says, gesturing for the other two to snap into action.

Dad seems reluctant at first and Hannah has to physically nudge his arm and send him a stern look to get him to move. He quickly glances at me and begrudgingly nods his head, agreeing to Hannah's unspoken demands.

With a quick kiss on the cheek he finally turns to leave and for the second time tonight, I'm left on my own. A few minutes pass and I let out a tired breath; slowly feeling tonight's events catching up to me.

There's a soft knock at the door and I look up, inhaling a deep breath preparing myself for what's next. I don't bother telling him to come in and after a few short seconds, the door opens anyway.

Aidan steps in looking like death warmed up. His hair is a mess and his eyes are glazed over with an emotion I'm guessing is currently clouding my features too.

Hurt.

His deep frown sends unbearable amounts of sadness ripping through my body and I physically have to look away out of complete and utter disgust.

Disgust in myself.

My lower lip begins to tremble and I close my eyes in an attempt of shutting out his image from my mind. A quiet sob leaves my mouth as I completely beak down and bury my head further into my hands. I hear him let out a sharp breath and his arms are around me in no time; holding me close to his warm, rock solid body. His chest vibrates against me and I know he is crying too.

I hate myself so much for causing his pain.

I clutch at his arms harder and allow his wide frame to support my weak body. His hands start to slowly caress my back and the sensation helps with my dull stomach pains.

I love him, I love him so much.

"A-Aidan, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault." I sob, uncontrollably.

A soft kiss is placed on my head and he leans forward, bringing his head down to my level. His normally boyish, hazel-green eyes are now extremely bloodshot and are full of painful amounts of tears.

"Shh darling, don't say that. You know I don't believe that for one second." he whispers, determination showing in his voice even so.

I finally open my eyes, braving a look at his beautiful face which is now masked with sadness, to find his right eye is currently in the process of turning a pinkish, purple colour.

"Aidan! Your eye?" I ask, horror filling my voice.

I instantly bring my right hand up to assess the fresh bruising and as I gently allow my fingers to brush over it; he flinches away from my touch. He grabs hold of my small hand and brings it to his mouth instead, kissing my knuckles.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." he protests, placing the last kiss on my hand.

I stare at him for a few seconds and then back to his darkening bruise. Sensing I'm not going to let it drop, he sighs; giving in to my question.

"Your dad hit me." he admits, not daring to look me in the eye.

What the hell? Well that explains the disapproving looks Anna was shooting at him.

I'm stunned into silence and I can't seem to formulate the correct words to express my feelings.

"Wh- I don't-"

"It's fine Amelia; I really don't blame him." he states, taking hold of me again.

It takes every ounce of strength I have left in me not to allow myself to get lost in his loving hold.

I can't just let this go.

"Well I do, he can't just hit you, Aidan." I protest, pulling away from him

He sighs in exhaustion and runs a hand through his thick hair.

"Why did he do it?" I ask, suddenly feeling really dumb for asking that.

Of course I know why he did it.

"Why do you think? I got his little girl pregnant at the age of seventeen." he says, guilt filling his words.

I screw my face up in anger and begin to shake my head.

"You didn't get me pregnant Aidan, we both got me pregnant." I say, taking hold of his face; desperately trying to erase all signs of guilt currently clouding his features.

His eyes lock onto mine and I can see the hurt drowning them.

"I'm so sorry this is happening, Amelia. I hate that you're hurting and I wish more than anything I could take that pain away from you." he says, reaching his hands out to touch either side of my face.

"I love you." he whispers against my lips while pulling me into a caring kiss.

The look on his face says it all and I find myself wanting to scream out of frustration. Aidan is in so much pain and it's all because of me.

Stupid, naïve me.

I hate myself.

----

It's been four days now and lying on my bed, I finally pluck up enough courage to press the send button. A slight feeling of relief washes over my body afterwards, confirming I've made the right decision. Within seconds I have a reply,

Okay Darling, I'll be around soon.

Taking deep breaths and counting to ten, I try not to get myself into a state of panic.

I have to remain calm in order to do this.

Ten minutes pass and I can hear a car outside pull up. Not even thirty seconds later, he's climbing up my balcony and sliding my doors aside; entering my bedroom.

He strides straight across over to me and places a gentle kiss on my lips. My entire body tenses and I find myself pulling away. Aidan looks at me with utter panic slapped across his face and instantly voices his concerns.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I swallow down the lump that has formed in my throat and look at him straight in the eyes.

"I can't do this." I whisper, with a shaky breath.

He screws up his face in confusion and shakes his head slightly.

"What can't you do?" he questions, taking both my hands into his.

His soft touch sends a warm feeling surging through my body and I have to break the contact in order to concentrate.

"This, us." I say, finally finding my voice.

A moment of silence passes through us, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.

"What does that mean, Amelia?" Aidan asks, suddenly sounding worried.

I let out a heavy sigh and focus my eyes downwards.

I can't even look him in the eye.

"It means I can't be with you anymore." I whisper, scared to say it any louder.

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

Deathly silence follows once again and I can sense Aidan is trying to process my sudden revelation.

"Don't do this, Amelia." he simply states in a low tone.

I say nothing in response.

"Don't push me away." he continues, grabbing my hands and holding on tight.

I try to leave his strong grip but he doesn't allow me to.

"We're both going through the same thing here, let me in. Let me help you." he says, practically begging me.

"I can't." I reply, regretting the words even as they leave my mouth.

Aidan's face clouds over with shock and he begins to shake his head violently.

"Okay, no. I'm not accepting this. I won't sit by and let you punish yourself over something that isn't your fault. I don't blame you for what happened, damn it; why can't you see that, Amelia?" he says, desperation becoming increasingly apparent in his voice.

His breathing gets harsher as panic grips at him and his hands begin to tremble. Resisting the urge to grab him and press my lips against his, I force myself to carry on with the matter at hand.

"But I do, Aidan. I blame myself. I wake up every day and think about how I could've prevented this whole thing from happening. I felt pain throughout that day and me being the stupid, naïve seventeen year old I am; I just thought it was part of the pregnancy. I hate what my body did, what I did and I hate that every time I look at you I'm reminded of it." I admit, noticing the slight feeling of relief that passes through me as I finally voice those words out loud.

Aidan moves closer to me, causing our knees to knock together. He brings his hands up to cup either side of my face. His hazel eyes penetrate mine and I can both see and feel his pleading expression as it burns through me.

"It's still fresh, that feeling will disappear; I promise. Please don't leave me darling." he begs, gripping onto me tighter.

I close my eyes and I can't help the stray tear that escapes and rolls down my cheek. He wipes it away quickly and brings his forehead down to rest on mine.

"I can tell you don't want to do this, so don't." he whispers before kissing the tip of my nose.

I don't want to, I need to.

Taking a deep breath in, I pull my head away from his.

"You said you'll respect any decision I ever make. Respect this, Aidan. Respect that this is what I need." I say, looking him dead in the eye with a blank expression.

Not giving him enough time to interrupt with his protests, I carry on.

"I hate myself for hurting you and that hatefulness only grows every time I see you." I state, feeling my voice shake.

Composing myself, I continue.

"I can feel it happening, Aidan. This hate and anger I feel for myself, its eating me up. I'm spiralling down and I refuse to take you with me. I don't want us to end up like them." I say, chocking on my words slightly.

Aidan sighs in frustration and I can tell he's at a loss for words. He knows who I'm referring to as we've had many previous conversations about the issue.

He knows how I feel about my mom and dad.

Knowing that there isn't anything he can say to change my mind, he stands up from my bed looking utterly deflated.

Out of reflex, I grab onto his hands and I mentally kick myself for doing so. He instantly rips them away from mine and my heart breaks into a million pieces seeing the look in his eyes.

He hates me.

He quickly walks over to my balcony door and slides it open without uttering a single word. I contemplate calling to him and begging for him to forget the entire thing.

Is this really what I want?

He stops just in front of the door; his back facing me.

"You're doing this so you won't hurt me but just so you know; that's exactly what you're doing."

With that statement hanging in the hair, he walks out of the door.

Leaving my room and leaving my life.

~~~~

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