Here comes the pining!

(This chapter is alternatively titled: You can be a badass bitch and still have emotions!)

(And alternatively alternatively titled: Girlfriends are great.)

Enjoy <3

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to clarify that I am a badass bitch. I know myself and I am smart and kind and witty and amazing."

"Preach," Viv whooped.

The three of us were sitting on Riley's bed, clad in our cosiest sleepwear and sipping hot drinks with serum masks plastered to our faces. I was still holding Kylo Bear to my chest like a lifeline. A plush, velvety lifeline.

"Okay. Just so we're clear," I said emotionally.

Riley nodded understandingly. "Go ahead, girl."

I collapsed on the mattress and screamed into my room, "Why doesn't he like me?"

After being cancelled on and gifted to in the span of ten minutes earlier today, I had a severe case of emotional whiplash. I needed to vent. After this rant session was over, I would be back to being the level-headed, confident person I knew I was.

But right now—

"I didn't even want a relationship this year," I whined. "I remember thinking in August how awesome it would be if this year was just like last semester. Then I meet Quen. The universe is just being cruel."

Viv patted my back. I continued.

"It's not even that I can't take rejection. I can. And I will. But I swore there was a chance he liked me. We spent so much time together outside of classes. He didn't have to do that. He could have dipped on our study sessions or gone back to his friends at Topaz, but he stayed with me!"

"True."

"So, what's up with that? And he held my hand. He held my hand. But today, he explicitly said he knew that lunch would be a date, and he doesn't want to go there with me. I'm so confused."

Riley and Viv murmured encouraging agreement.

I told myself Quen was just a friend but did friends give each other teddy bears? Did they have deep conversations with each other about each other's hobbies, families and jobs? Did they spend an inordinate amount of time together, even if it was just to study?

Normally, I was a composed and rational woman. I wouldn't think twice if a man was throwing out confusing signals. I would just cut my losses and move on with my life, putting the onus for making the next move squarely on him.

But this was Quen.

He wasn't someone I could give up on easily, nevermind what the logical step was. I would always want to be with him until the point at which chasing him became too painful — but even I didn't know if that point would ever come. If I would ever tire of trying. Better fragments of him, than the whole of anyone else.

I couldn't decipher what Quen was thinking when he bailed on having lunch with me, or when he had bought Kylo Bear for me, which led me to overthink all our previous interactions.

The way he waited for me outside of lectures. Our study sessions in the library and the coded flower. That one vulnerable conversation we'd had, strolling through campus, after his symphonic orchestra rehearsal. When he'd grabbed my hand after he'd asked about my relationship with my parents.

When he'd freaking agreed to a lunch date with me in Topaz!

But then again, he also made jokes about using me for my brains. That threw his motivations for spending lectures, tutorial and study time with me into doubt. And, as he said so himself, he did not like influencers. Much less like-like them.

Thus, my brain whirled in a tormenting circle. I was mentally picking petals in a neverending loves-me-loves-me-not game. Added to that were all these conflicting interpretations of my time with him, which incited a tsunami of questions.

Was I naive for letting myself think I was an exception to his dislike of influencers? Was he always just being friendly? Had he been interested until I made a misstep? What was the misstep? Or was this his bizarre way of playing hard-to-get?

Then with one protracted, dying, "Ughhhh," I sat up and adjusted the headband keeping all my baby hairs from my forehead. "Okay. I'm done now. Thoughts?"

Viv rose to her knees and held her index finger out, staring me intently in the eyes. "The thing to remember is that any mature man who likes you will make a move. Those who don't like you, won't. Those who like you but are shy or hesitant, can't. And we all deserve better than that piddly teenage love. We deserve steadfast commitment. Do we all agree on that?"

Riley and I nodded.

She continued matter-of-factly, "If he really liked you, he would have no reason to cancel the lunch date, as opposed to rescheduling. He would want to spend as much one-on-one time with you as possible. Therefore, he doesn't like you."

"Ouch, Viv," Riley winced.

"What?" Viv asked innocently, spreading her palms in the air. "Kris is a big girl. She can take it."

"But why would he spend so much time with her, to begin with, if Quentin didn't like her more than any other friend of his? You've got to admit, what Kris described isn't platonic behaviour," Riley reasoned.

"Hm. Good point," Viv fell back onto her haunches, scratching at her chin just below where the serum mask ended. "Maybe he's keeping you as an option rather than a priority. He's using both friendly and flirty behaviour to keep you in that limbo between platonic friends and actual partners. That way he can take things further when it suits him, or he can still keep getting help for his notes and assignments."

Riley and I gasped. She exclaimed, "That's so vindictive!"

Viv shrugged apologetically, taking a long sip of her hot matcha latte. "He reaches out to you when he's been drinking to get himself and his friends into Topaz. He studies with you to bring up his own grades. If he wanted to date you, he literally would have just rescheduled your date. It's that simple."

"Quen wouldn't use Krista like that. He couldn't!" Riley insisted, shaking her head vehemently. "Not only is he too considerate to lead someone on like that, but he's also incapable of manipulating people like that."

I nodded in agreement, fervently wanting to believe the best of Quen. He made jokes about using me for my brain, sure, but each time we compared work, he'd finished all the questions on his own first. Without help.

Riley rambled on, her eyes glazing over as she said, "Socially, he's a bit of a klutz. Physically, too, now that I recall—"

"—maybe he's changed since high school, Riley. Haven't we all? And what else would explain it?"

Silence.

"But we had all these intimate conversations when we were on campus together. And in Topaz, too," I volunteered defensively. "We tell each other everything, like insecurities and stuff."

"Hate to break it to you, but I don't think guys tell their crush their insecurities. That's like shooting themselves in the foot. But hey, those conversations are really important, actually," Viv grimaced. "He's also using you as a therapist."

Ouch. Was I being used? It felt like we were genuine friends. Had Quen never given me a chance because of my job, after all?

My heart creaked like an old floorboard, recently stepped on. I didn't want to believe that he would use me. Which left one other option: accepting his rejection as just that: an honest, guileless rejection.

He didn't like me.

I couldn't believe I'd awoken from my romantic hibernation, only to get knocked right back down. Most boys who met me came on strong when they were drunk and didn't give a shit when they were sober.

Just like Viv was saying about Quen.

They didn't really care about my personality or interests like they pretended to. Maybe it was because I met their aesthetic fantasies at Topaz, but when daytime rolled around, I was just Kris.

A fraying, fangirling homebody.

No glitz, no glamour.

For once, I had hoped that would be enough.

Riley placed her mug of hot chocolate on her bedside counter and suggested, "Why don't you just come clean and ask him why he changed his mind, instead of all this speculating?"

Both Viv and I immediately refused, "No!"

"If Kris does that, that's all chances of him returning her feelings smothered," Viv said bluntly. "Guys need the chase; they say they don't but they do. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. Do not fawn and profess. That's amateur shit."

Um. I sent a confused, sidelong glance toward Viv.

That was the furthest thing from what I was thinking, but I came to the same conclusion from a different set of reasoning: "As soon as Quen knows that I have lingering feelings for him, it's just going to make our friendship awkward. I really like where we are right now. I don't want to push him away."

"I think you've got to distance yourself, anyways, Kris," Viv told me.

A bolt of pain hit my chest at the prospect. I was fighting the idea before I even realised I opened my mouth. "What? Why? I've got enough restraint to handle being his friend!"

"Firstly, if he's a jerk who refuses to commit, giving him space might force him to meet you halfway. Make him show some real effort—not gifts or words, but time and energy—before you start planning dates and going along to his practises," Viv explained.

I had opened my mouth to counter her logic, till I realised that she might have had a point.

I never really considered that my tactic of being open, friendly and always available would backfire. The main reason was that I'd never actually chased a guy before, so I genuinely didn't know, but a smaller reason was that I truly believed Quen would come to like me back.

My surety had made me overly zealous, without ever stopping to realise that he wasn't matching my moves. It wasn't like a dance between two partners. I was just throwing myself at him and expecting him to catch me when he wasn't even looking my way.

Viv went on, "Secondly if he's just shy, he might realise he's got to up his game or he'll lose you. Thirdly, if he really just doesn't feel it, you need to start work on getting over your feelings. And you can't do that if you see him Tuesdays and Fridays at work, and Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays in class. Plus all those little study sessions you have together."

"Viv's kind of right. No matter what Quen is thinking and feeling, distancing yourself is the healthiest decision for you," Riley agreed. "Which is more than enough reason to do it. Even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts, actually."

"Yeah. I'm not being a cynic. I just love you a whole lot, girl," Viv smirked and dropped a loud kiss on the top of my head. "Dump that boy."

"Or, in not so harsh terms, make him less of the cake and more of a cherry on top. I had to do the same with Phoenix," Riley said quietly.

Her eyes took on that glossy sheen they always did when she thought of her ex.

"Right after our breakup I couldn't imagine that ignoring him would be the right course of action, but if I hadn't done that I might still be too heartbroken to function. At least with you and Quen, you guys can still come out of this as friends."

I rolled onto my back and let all the air out of my lungs.

Accepting defeat was depressing. I felt crushed, physically and mentally. My brain felt like an elephant had stomped on it, leaving behind a pounding headache. My ribs felt weak, and each breath came shakily to me.

The thread of hope keeping my spirits up was the thought of Quen and I still being the close friends that we were, which was simultaneously comforting and shameful. Comforting because, obviously, I wanted him in my life in any way I could.

Shameful because Quen shouldn't have been the person whom my happiness depended on. I had a healthy network of family, friends, co-workers, interests and jobs to colour and sustain my life. I was independent and dedicated before I even knew he existed, and I would always be that woman for all my days.

But at this particular moment, between my carefree past and my successful future, I didn't turn to myself for happiness and fulfilment the way I always had. That disappointed me immensely, but I figured I was allowed one private moment of weakness before things changed tomorrow.

So I lay on Riley's bed with my arm over my eyes, and I thought of Quen.

I pictured that moment the rays of the setting sun had entered my eyes from around his side profile, and the moment following when he had turned and smiled at me. His smile really did light up the world.

I held that memory close to me the way I held Kylo Bear, and then I tucked it away. When I rose back to a sitting position, my friends could tell I had taken their advice on board. Riley had a concerned expression on her face, while Viv's mouth was set in a firm, joyless line.

"Alright," I told them. "I'll do it."