I fucked up. Watching her, seeing her this way, it makes me realize what I lost. I left, I broke her heart and I deserve to fall into the pits of hell for what I did to my wife. I messed it all up, and she's ready to start over, a new life without me. But something about signing that paper, I can't do it.

It's because I still love her. No matter what, I still love her.

Because I messed up and lost Ry, and that was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. Sure I'm a piece of shit, and I'll always be a big piece of it, but I'm a piece of shit who fell for Rylee Jane a long time ago, and I messed it up.

So watching her laughing with the other moms hurts, especially when I know she's done with me. I didn't expect five years to fly by without her, and it felt like the longest years of my life, but now I regret it more than anything in the world. She's wearing ripped mom jeans with her white sneakers, her hairs curled around her face, and she's got on a pink tank top that shows off her tonearms.

She looks so good. She hasn't looked so healthy in a long time, and I think it's because she's finally ready to start over, but I can't let her.

The boys yelling gets my attention as I turn around.

When Lance is done playing he falls out into the grass with Kurt laughing. And then my world crashes when I look back up to see a fucking asshole walking up to my wife, with one of Maddie's friends with him.

Fuck no.

___

Her party is going just as I expected it to. She's running around giggling with her friends and she's so happy. I did my job, she's so happy that I'm smiling for her. The only thing that's going to make it better is when the pony's show up and when she opens her gifts. The one I got, I know she's going to love, it's a full set of stuffed animals she's been begging for. It wasn't much, but that's what she wanted so my baby girl got it. Tell me I'm spoiling her, but she will always be my baby.

Seeing her hair flap in the air makes me smile. She runs up to my legs as I hug her. "So how much do you love your party?" I ask rubbing her back. I'm surprised she hasn't changed into her swimsuit yet and jumped in the pool since it's been uncovered and she's a little water bug.

"So much Mama! Thank you!" She tells me as I kiss her head. I love her so much, she's a little surprise that made me a mom and I wouldn't trade her for anything.

"I love you too. We'll cut the cake and open presents after lunch okay? Grandpa is making cheeseburgers and grilled cheeses right now." I tell her as she lights up. The grilled cheese is always for her, and I figured everyone else would want real food so I made burgers to grill out.

"Thanks, mama. Do you know where Izzy is?" She asks as I shake my head no and rub her hair. Izzy is her best friend and they go to school together. She's only been around a handful of times at the house but from what I can tell, her parents aren't together either. I made sure to call her mom and invite them though, I know how much it means to Maddie.

"I don't baby. I know they said they'd come but they might just be running a little late. You know how mama does when she's got a lot to do." I tell her as she nods. I'll be late for my own funeral because of the poor time management I've got now from having kids.

"Okay. I'm gonna go jump on the bouncy house." She tells me as I kiss her forehead and she runs off leaving me with the other mothers. I look over the backyard and see Jax with our sons but I quickly look away when he looks back at me. I turn on the patio and sit with the moms so I don't have to look at him.

"So Rylee how's work?" One of them asks time I sit down.

"It's really great. My hours have changed with Maddie's schedule now, with the cheering and with the boys wanting to play baseball and football but it's not too bad." I tell them as they nod.

"Jax doesn't help?" One asks as I look over my shoulder at Jax laughing with Lance. The girls here don't even know that Jax and I never officially got divorced and I've never told anyone any different. As far as they know, we're divorced and that's that.

"He does, just it's kind of my job because I have them the most," I tell them as they glare at me. I do feel like it's my job, I have the kids the most.

"It's not your job. He's a parent too." They add as I sigh. They aren't lying, but I'm a helicopter mom a tad bit, I just have to know that they are safe. "Not about my life how's everyone?" I ask making them laugh.

"Well, I'm great. Still pregnant as a whale." One of Maddie's friends' moms tells us. She's eight months pregnant, and she's still beautiful. I look down at her belly as I smile at her. Then her husband walks over handing her a cupcake as she instantly brightens. "Cravings a bitch." She tells us before eating it as I smile. He kisses her cheek before walking back off to the guys hanging out and I don't let a tear slip.

I just wish Jax would have been there for my last pregnancy. He was so good for my first two, but with Kurt, I was alone. He didn't bring me cupcakes, and he didn't kiss me like that. And I think that's why I can't get over it.

We're having meaningless conversations when I hear little feet run through the house and I turn and look through the patio doors to see Izzy's little brown hair. I open the door when she runs out and gives me a hug.

"Sorry, I'm late! Mama had to work!" She tells me before running off to go find Maddie. I smile when Maddie turns and gives her a big hug before they start playing together. The riders show up with the pony's and open the gate as they make their way through. Once they come in right that moment all the little girls run over to them with bright faces.

I mentally pat myself on the back when Maddie's jumping in excitement.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make her late." I hear a manly voice behind me as I turn. And oh my god, he's beautiful. His jawline is as sharp as a knife, his chest is built, and he's got light brown hair with a huge frame. He's so hot.

"I'm sorry. You are?" I ask pushing my hair out of my face obviously checking him out while blushing as he walks out the patio doors. The women all look around at him before looking at me and blushing.

"Oh, Izzy's dad, Evan Chamberlain. Her mom had to work and it was my weekend with her. I didn't know about this until I got called and told while I was at the zoo with her. You must be RJ?" He asks smiling as I nod and extend my hand. He cups it in his as we shake hands and I feel his incredible grip.

"Yeah, that's me. Maddie's mine, and my sons as well. Lance is six, almost seven, and Kurt is five." I tell him as I point to my boys. He nods as we sit down and all the women disappear leaving me with Evan.

"And I'm assuming that's your husband." He asks looking across the lawn to see Jax staring at us with our sons.

"No. I mean-, no. Not anymore." I tell Evan as he nods. "Good to know then." He tells me back winking at me making me blush as I look away. We're totally flirting with each other.

"What about you? I'm pretty sure I was told divorced by Isabelle right?" I ask him as he nods. "Yeah, I loved Isabelle but we just were way too different. I wanted to have more kids, move, have a better life, and everything and she was happy here. I was planning on leaving but I couldn't do that to my Izzy, so I chose to be a dad and stay. But Isabelle and I didn't work out, we just fought too much about little things, and eventually, we just didn't love each other the way we used to anymore." He tells me as I nod.

"I get that completely. Jax and I, we were in love for about four years. And when I got pregnant with Maddie unexpectedly I think it just caused a big shift in our relationship. It was good for a little while, but eventually, it broke us both down when our kids became more important than our relationship. Then one day, I found out I was pregnant with Kurt, and I was so severely depressed that Jax left. So I haven't had a husband in a really long time." I tell him as he nods.

"Seems like we have a lot in common." He tells me looking into my eyes with his bright green and blue orbs. I look at his tee hugging his shoulder blades as I look back and try not to check him out. He's hot, so hot. He almost reminds me of how I used to feel when I looked at Jax.

"Yeah it does doesn't it?" I ask as he smiles. "So RJ, what do you do?" He asks watching Izzy and Maddie.

"I'm a head nurse at the hospital in the city and I love it. What about you?" I ask him. "I'm in marketing and finance about twenty minutes into the city, I work at Chamberlain." He tells me as I nod. That's a huge company in the city, as in multimillion-dollar and it just so happens to have his and Izzy's last name, I know something is up.

"So you own a company?" I ask as he laughs. "Nope, just a CEO," he tells me as I laugh and push his shoulder. He does, he's joking with me. He laughs back before I feel a presence behind me and know exactly who it is.

"Ry Maddie's ready to cut the cake," Jax tells me placing his hands on the back of my chair while looking over my shoulder at Evan.

"Yeah, Umm Jax this is Evan, Izzy's father. Evan this is my Umm children's father and ex, Jax." I tell them both as Jax glares down at me.

"Not ex." He tells Evan as I push Jax's shoulder. "Yes, my ex not current," I emphasize to him and Evan as I roll my eyes at Jax.

"Nice to meet you, man," Evan tells Jax confidently as he sizes him up. Both of them look around the same size, Evan just seems way more confident than Jax, which I never thought was possible since Jax thought he was God's gift to women.

"I know I'm a pleasure. Ry?" Jax says to him as I reach back and slap his chest. "Evan I'll be back in a few minutes," I tell him as he nods and smiles at me. He even smiles at Jax before I'm pulled out of my chair and dragged into the house. Except I don't see Maddie anywhere.

"What the fuck are you doing?! Where's Maddie?" I ask him as he crosses his arms over his chest.

"You are still my wife and I don't want you flirting in front of my face." He spits out to me with the nerve that he has.

"You asshole! I'll do whatever the fuck I want because you don't own me!" I shout back at him making my way to my bedroom to calm down. When he left I was put on suicide watch, antidepressant drugs, anxiety medication, everything and I can't stress myself out because I'll fall right back into that hole.

"Yes, I do. You still have my last name!" He yells following me as I grab the door trying to slam it in his face. Thankfully the kids aren't in here to hear this conversation.

"I don't want it!! Take it back! Sign the fucking divorce papers and leave me alone!" I shout back at him.

"I'm not doing that shit." He tells me pushing the door open to hear what used to be our old bedroom slamming shut. He locks it behind him as I glare at his handsome face. This is the most we've spoken in forever.

"Please stop" I beg as he steps to me and I back away. "What do you want from me? I would have given you anything to stay with me but I hate you now." I spit out.

"Rylee, I still love you." He tells me as I feel tears whelp in my eyes and I instantly back away from him. I run to the bathroom and lock the door before searching for my pills.

"Rylee." He tells me banging on the door when I find my pill bottle. I can't get it open when the contents fall on the floor causing me to break down with it. Taking three from the floor I instantly swallow them all. One used to work, then two, now three.

"Leave." I spit out wiping my tears as I sit on the bathroom floor calming myself down.

"I don't want to see you with anyone but me." He tells me through the door as I laugh.

"Then maybe you should just never see me again because I'm moving on. Without you." I spit out right back to him as I hear his footsteps leave and he slams the door.

And I break down on the bathroom floor.