Note: The title of this chapter is from "So What" by Ani Difranco. The song MC sings in this chapter is "On a Good Day" by Joanna Newsom.

MC basked in the quiet of her childhood home, her family's springer spaniel, Maude, snoring gently at her side. She had driven several hours north the night before to visit her parents. There was nothing quite like the calm she could find within the walls that framed her every childhood memory. It took her back to a time when there were no expectations of her, except to be happy and kind. She couldn't wait for Noah to get there the next day. All the versions of her happy place coming together. It would be the first time he'd met them. She smiled to herself, imagining how Noah and her father would bond over books, and her mom would try and feed him every item she could find in the refrigerator.

The plan was to tell her parents together. They had gone to a few places to look at rings, but hadn't found the right one yet. Not that the ring itself was all that important to her. She'd told Noah that she didn't want a diamond, principally against the exploitative industry. So they had poured over cases of emeralds, sapphires, moissanite, and opals. The colorful stones were gorgeous, but she worried they'd interfere with her playing, and she wanted a ring she could wear all the time. Something she never had to take off.

She would have been completely content, if not for the text message she had received last night.

"Hey lass! I've been doing a little cleaning, and found some of your things. I'd like to find a way to get these to you."

She didn't know what to make of it. Was he moving in with June? Why after all this time would he feel the need to give her the ol' break up box. She thought about June occupying the space where she had loved Bobby. The pain was palpable, sure, but dulled. A punch instead of a stab.

She had replied, "Thanks! I'm traveling right now, on the way to my parents' house. Let me get back to you after the trip and we'll figure something out."

She'd sent it late last night, and she hadn't heard back. She moved to the piano and began mindlessly plunking out notes. They were meandering at first, but evolved into a sad little tune. She began singing along.

So 'cross the years

and miles, and through

on a good day,

you can feel my love for you.

Will you leave me be,

so that we can stay true

to the path that you have chosen?

The doorbell rang. She walked down the hall, Maude bobbing at her heels, and opened the door. Despite the fact that he had just been roaming through her mind, she couldn't process the sight of him. His face was radiant, as usual, highlighted by a gorgeous smile, his amber eyes twinkling happily. He had a cardboard box in his hands. "Surprised to see me?"

Through her shock, she noticed that the sight of him didn't smack so rawly against her heart anymore. She actually felt a little happy to see him. Given a bit of distance, some healing, and the comfort of a new, blossoming love, she could appreciate the bright glow of Bobby again, at least a little bit.

"Yes!" she laughed. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, when you said you were at your parents' house, I figured it was a good opportunity to drop these off" He shook the box a little. "They're so much closer to Glasgow than your place." Bobby knew he should have texted her first, to ask if he could come. But he couldn't face the possibility that she would say no. He just had to see her, somehow. So he'd hopped in his car, and driven the two hours to her parents' home.

She reached for the box to unburden him. Bobby stole a glance at her left hand. No ring.

"You came all this way just to drop these off?"

"Well, you know, I couldn't have all these highfalutin poetry books filling up my shelves." He winked at her. "I was starting to look like a proper git."

"Sure, blame the books." She teased him.

Her joke elicited an elated stirring of hope in his chest.

"Well..." she looked unsure. "Do you want to come in and...do you want a glass of water, or anything to eat? I don't know if you need to get back on the road immediately or..."

"Sure, that'd be great," he said holding her eye. He was probing, pushing against the boundary of her heart, testing her reaction. She seemed happy. Was it because she was glad to see him? Or was she just happier now?

She shifted the box to one hip and opened the door wider to let him by. The familiar scent of her parents' house washed over him as he entered. Bobby kneeled down to offer an enthusiastic greeting to Maude. MC laughed warmly as Bobby let the dog the dog lick his nose and eyes. He smiled up at her and sighed, as he stood, brushing himself off.

"Are your parents around? I'd love to see them."

"No, unfortunately, they're at work."

"Ah, of course."

"They'll be sad they missed you."

"Yeah?" He perked up.

"Of course! You know they've always loved you."

She was being so kind to him. The encouragement made him feel like he would explode with declarations of love at any moment. He choked back the urge.

"Is Noah here?"

"No, not yet. He's coming up tomorrow."

She set the box of books down on the kitchen table, freeing her hands to grab a couple glasses out of the cupboard. "Is water okay?"

"It's great! Thanks!"

As she set the full glasses down, her eyes wandered to the box. She noticed the green journal resting on top. The muscles in her jaw tensed up at the sight. Her gaze snapped back to Bobby, and he could tell his eyes were betraying him. She knew he had read it.

"Listen, do you think we could talk?" he risked, rubbing his hands together nervously.

She twisted her mouth to the side, considering. "Of course."

He huffed a quick breath and shot a brief, uncertain smile her way before beginning.

"I've been thinking about what happened between us, and I realized that I've never really apologized to you."

Her expression was neutral, but she maintained eye contact. His nerves bucked at the absence of a response.

He took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter. "I really fucked up. You needed something from me, that I didn't give to you. And I didn't put you first. I need to tell you that. I'm so sorry that I made you feel so lonely. And that I pushed you away."

MC's expression softened. "Bobby," she reached for his hand automatically. It was an unconscious act, and she knew immediately it was a mistake.

Bobby looked down sadly at their now-joined hands. He ran his thumb over her finger, caressing the spot where a ring was missing. Her body tingled nervously from the contact. His touch felt familiar and comforting, and she didn't know what to do with that feeling. He knows.

Bobby seemed to be lost in thought, when he pulled her hand to his lips, giving the base of her left ring finger a soft kiss. Her breath hitched at the tender act. She didn't pull her hand away, but she shook her head almost imperceptibly.

"You can't marry him, lass." His voice breathy, almost a whisper.

She snatched her hand away. "Why not?" she said curtly.

He looked at her, his expression pained, unsure which step to take next. Should he tell her it's too soon? That he's still in love with her? Should he just kiss her?

"I don't want you to. I want you to be with me."

MC's eyes flashed, with what, he couldn't tell. He figured he'd made it this far, though, he might as well go all in.

"I probably shouldn't be saying this..." he steadied himself and tried to speak more confidently, "but I still love you. I've never loved anyone as much as you. And I don't think I ever will. I feel like I got a peek at this beautiful life we were going to have, and now I can't imagine not living that life."

MC was looking down at the table, sitting completely still. "Remember, lass?" Bobby let himself go, squeezing her hand, beckoning her to look at him. "Remember our plans? We were going to use our winnings to throw the biggest bash with all our friends and family. I was going to make the cake. We were going to get pregnant right away, and I was going to rub your swollen feet and bake you every sweet you craved. You were going to teach the weans to play piano." The words were tumbling out of him. He knew it was too much but he couldn't get the wound to clot now that he'd opened it up.

MC, of course, remembered all of this. She remembered how they had laughed while making love, joking that Bobby would be especially turned on by her pregnant feet. She clenched her eyes shut, wincing at the memory. The feeling of him inside of her, the way love poured out of his eyes when he looked at her, the elation she felt as laughter rolled through her body. He had been so unafraid of the possibilities then. Not just present in the moment, but propelling forward hand in hand with her. She had been so convinced that he was going to be forever.

"I can't imagine not living that life. And I know you're moving on, but you haven't been with Noah very long...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try. Try to remind you of what we had. And I'm ready to spend every day convincing you to live that life with me, if that's what it takes."

Couldn't live with himself, she rolled the words around in her mind, as if trying to taste them. A seething wave of acid creeped up her throat. It was a familiar feeling, she realized. She'd spent months stifling that burn, terrified that if she let it slip out, if Bobby laid his eyes on her anger and hurt, it would corrode everything they'd worked so hard to build, and he would decide that he couldn't live with her. And it would be all her fault. Because he was just being "a good friend." So she tuned out the clanging alarm bells as best she could, clinging fiercely to her love for Bobby, hoping it would carry them through. But it hadn't worked. He'd discarded their forever anyway, and now, she had nothing left to protect from her corrosive anger.

Suddenly MC spoke up, "Are you and June still together?" Her voice was calm, but she still wouldn't look at him.

"What?"

"Did you break up with June before coming here? When you realized you felt this way?"

"No, but-"

"So you're telling me that you're certain now, that the love we had is what you want, but you're still with June?"

His mouth groped for words that wouldn't come.

She raised an eyebrow. "Is she your back up plan then? Or maybe you just didn't even think about her role in this at all." The anger starting to seep into her voice.

"Lass, I-"

"Don't fucking call me that" she spit at him. She closed her eyes, remembering the despair of those last few months with him, the humiliation of trying to make a home with a man who insisted on being a stranger, who had given up trying to know her. She remembered the way his eyes glazed over whenever he had to look at her. The frustrated desperation of trying to cling to a love that was evaporating at her touch. She had been on hands and knees, desperately trying to resuscitate this precious, rare creature, screaming at Bobby to help her. And he just shrugged, and looked away.

She recalled the hollowed out feeling she had when he looked at her with indifferent, golden eyes, and gestured to the door. "Go ahead and go, if that's what you want." Discarded. Unimportant. Not worth the fight.

"You have no right. Where have you been this past year? Where was this concern when I was sharing your bed? How about when I left it? What about those months where I was all alone, missing you, praying you would show up, just like this! And you were with another woman? Tell me exactly how many times you've fucked June since you realized you wanted me back? How many times has she made you cum?"

She stood up from her chair and started pacing around the room. "What changed, huh? What made me suddenly worth chasing? Was it that you saw I was happy with someone else, moving forward with my life, and you wanted to destroy it? Ruining our relationship wasn't enough for you? You wanted to ruin this one too?"

Bobby's eyes chased her frenzied movements around the room, trying to keep up. She suddenly stopped and turned on him, like an animal cornering its prey. He stood up out of his chair in response, preparing for the attack.

"God, I loved you" she clutched her chest, as if in pain. Her face twisted as she tried to talk through her tears. "I picked up my life and brought everything to you, because I thought you saw me. Who I was. But you never did!" She laughed in bewilderment. "The moment I stopped putting on a show for you. The moment I stopped being fun, you threw me away."

She had spent those final months trying to deny an ugly fear that had been twitching in the back of her mind. The more she tried to quiet it, force it to stillness, the more it thrashed about, damaging everything around it. Now it was flailing and screaming through her mind.

Bobby's love, the prize you paraded around so proudly in front of millions of viewers, the reason you uprooted your entire life- was false.

It was all an illusion. It was worse than losing it, because it never even existed in the first place. If it had, there's no way Bobby would have let it go so easily. She was the only fool who'd believed in it.

"Was I just good ratings then? You played up your feelings for me on the show, so you could win? And then once everyone stopped looking, so did you. Is that it, Bobby?!" She knew she was being cruel at this point. But she didn't care if it was wrong. She was throwing punches. She wanted him to hurt the way she did. "I was so lonely and heartbroken," she gasped, "How dare you try to pull me back to that place. Fuck you!" She pushed him.

He was so desperate for contact from her, the shove felt like a kiss. He pulled her into a tight embrace and she struggled wildly against him, sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" he kept repeating, his own tears streaming down his face, and onto his shirt, melding into hers like a last kiss. He didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how to make it right. Didn't know how to convince her that he could see her now. Didn't know any way to make her feel his love than to hold her so tightly, that it was like he was begging for her to feel it.

Eventually, she slumped against him. That bare patch he'd left on her heart where nothing would grow anymore ached at his closeness, remembering him and the way his arms felt around her, the comfort she used to feel there. He smelled like clove oil and sugar. He smelled like memories of hope and sunshine. She sobbed harder, her body aching all over, as she finally allowed herself to feel how much she had missed him. Allowed herself to feel the loss of all the dreams and plans that would never be. The cake that would never be made. The children she'd never hold.

She lifted her face to look at him, his tears illuminating his freckles as they swept down his lovely face. She almost kissed him. Almost took his clothes off, pressed her lips to every freckle, let him explore her body again, tasted his skin and sweat. Tasted the sweetness of those dreams and plans. Of that love that had felt so real.

But she didn't. Because none of it was ever real. He never knew her. He never spoke to the inside version of herself that was quiet and needed reassurance. The version of herself that loved poetry and music and midnight slow dances. The version that didn't need to put on a show all day, every day just to avoid real feelings.

Bobby's arms were suddenly foreign to her. Uncomfortable. Like being in a stranger's arms. Who was this man, who had left her behind so readily, who was going behind June's back? Who was telling her to abandon the life she had built in his absence without consideration of her feelings. It wasn't the man she thought she was choosing at the villa. And it certainly wasn't the man she had built those dreams around.

She pulled away from his embrace. "I love you Bobby. I always will. But this is not what I want. I don't think you know me or yourself very well."

Bobby cocked his head back, grimacing. He didn't know how to right all of his wrongs, but this felt unfair. His eyes burned into her. "You think Noah knows you better than I do?"

Pain flashed in her eyes and she turned away. No. Now that she'd been in his arms, he couldn't stand her leaving them again. He pulled her backwards into him and wrapped an arm across her chest, gripping her shoulder. He nuzzled his nose behind her ear, his voice rumbling softly, "He doesn't know what I know." She shivered as his lips grazed the back of her neck. It was the exact kind of kiss that had initiated countless private moments between them.

"No, Bobby, stop." she shook him off. "Even if I hadn't moved on, even if I weren't in love with someone else, I don't trust you now, and I never will."

"What do you mean, you don't trust me? Why wouldn't you trust me? I never did anything with June until after we broke up."

"You never did anything physical with June until after we broke up," she corrected him.

"I wasn't tempted to do anything with her. I didn't even consider her until you left."

An angry flare erupted in MC again. "I left you? I left you?" she repeated it in utter disbelief. "You abandoned this relationship long before I moved out. The difference is that you didn't have the balls to even tell me. You just left me languishing there, looking like an idiot while you pranced around town with June." She shook her head. "And when I did finally leave, you practically held the door open for me to go."

Bobby's head scorched with anger and shame. He had laid out all of his vulnerabilities in front of her, and she was kicking dirt on them. "Well what about you? You're about to get engaged to Noah. What was going on with him in the Villa that made it so easy for you to jump into his bed three months after we broke up?"

Her eyes widened as she stumbled backwards, stunned by the impact of this accusation. She scoffed. "Did you really just say that me? You have no right to shame me for moving on with my life after you gave up on us? Either you're just an asshole, or you don't know me at all. Maybe both. Regardless, I've heard all I needed to hear."

He knew he had gone too far. "MC, I-"

"You need to leave." She cut him off.

He reached for her, trying one last time to repair things between them. She stepped back, avoiding his touch.

She swallowed, trying to suppress the sob threatening to erupt. "I'm glad I got the chance to love you. Whatever it cost me. But loving each other wasn't enough."

Bobby looked at her for a long time, but finally relented, having nothing left to offer, exhausted from the effort. "Fine." He walked to the front door, dazed. He noticed Maude laying on the ground by the entrance, and he knelt to rub her ears."Bye, girl."

He stood up and faced MC. He moved to hug her, but balked, unsure if it was welcome. She noticed his hesitation. Too exhausted to once again quell her anger in the name of soothing Bobby, she opened the door for him to leave.