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bright night, moon on the sky and stars twinkling on its mighty dark build, the light that entered the dim hospital room accentuated the woman's feature as it thickly shine on jiho's face.

i'm so sorry, jiho.

"i am going to be jiho's arthur-"

heart constricting in pain and tears prickling in the corner of my eyes, the words haunt me like a spear as it continuously stabbed the core of my heart.

i remembered the way his eyes looked through me, mocking and ripping me in half as he saw right through my insides, defining how worthless, disgusting and guilty i am for hurting the woman in front of me laying on the white bed, dressed in a hospital gown.

"-because her romeo was a good for nothing man"

a good for nothing man. am i? am i really that man? but, who could blame me? i was left as the back burner. the early years in our marriage was nothing but bliss and happiness, everything was so dreamy and i could assure that, that was the best days of my life. but, as jinyeon came in our life, i got busy and so did jiho - i wasn't given the attention that i needed to have.

i am a man and in some ways, i have my needs. truth be told, and shamefully speaking - the fact that jiho was forgetting to tend to the body heat i wanted to have, is what urged me to bed lilia. i remembered the first time i saw her, lilia was a strikingly gorgeous woman, the moment she step foot on my office, i knew that she was a big trouble. she didn't hide her interest at me even if she knew that i was already married, i tried so hard to stop the temptation but, after being so fed up with the lack of attention that i needed, it took only a few bottle of soju and a one steamy hot night to make me bend and commit adultery.

"you're a monster"i am, i am a monster. a sigh escaping my lips, i couldn't help but cup my fave as more tears fell, everything just hurts and i don't know what to feel anymore.

a monster, i'm a monster who's so selfish that tore his family apart. what am i? what, what had become of me?

eyes trailing on the sleeping woman, i found my hand slowly reaching out to touch her skin. lips letting out a broken sob, the moment my skin touched hers, i felt and saw how fragile she was, she was thinning and bags under her eyes haunted her soft features. what did i do to you? i'm cruel, i made you like this.

"gguk?" bright eyes slowly opening and hand meeting my own trembling ones, her emerald orbs met mines and i felt as if my heart stopped beating. shock and relief running through my system, the way her voice uttered that nickname made my insides tingle. god, it's been so long since i heard her call me that way, i feel like a child who's happy for just a single and shallow thing.

"jih-"

"impossible" jiho whispered, cutting me, pulling away her hand against mine before shakily covering her eyes. "he won't come, god. why am i still even looking for him? i'm so sorry taehyung, i mistook you for him"

eyes widening and lips letting out a string of shaky breaths, the words failed me. he won't come. she said i won't care and that-

"he's busy with his woman, i must keep that in mind" tear slipping on her cheeks, even through her hooded eyes, i saw the way he unveiled infront of me.

"busy with his woman"

is that what she always thought of me whenever i come home late?

"i- i just want to go home, taehyung. please . . . please, i just want to see yeon and feel him against my skin. help me"

i'm the worst.

carefully carrying her in my arms, i was so afraid that if i made a mistake, she'll break into pieces. i've hurt her more than anyone else and this is the least thing i could do. if she sees me as him, then i'll just pretend that i was taehyung just so she wouldn't be hurt anymore.

"i'm so sorry, tae, you always had to take care of me" speaking through her closed eyes, i was stroding my way inside the house as i realized the way she weighed so light, taking a closer look to her build - like as i thought, she was loosing more weight as days come to pass by, the stress kicking her too much.

reaching our room, i carefully placed her on the bed. i was just about to pull away and take a shower before i heard her speak, through her closed eyes. "i wish you were the one who had found me"

eyes widening, i froze on the spot. no, it must be just her fatigue. yes, just that-she's not talking about that-she had forgotten it, i know she had forgotten about that-

"i wish it was you who had found me and saved me from attempting suicide eleven years ago"

no, why- jiho-

"if it was you, maybe i wouldn't experience something like this. i know you'd treasure me, taehyung"

treasure me- i-i'm so sorry, jiho.

heavy breaths escaping her trembling lips, she started speaking once more. "i feel like dying everyday, taehyung. i'm pathetically loving someone who had stopped loving me"

i'm so sorry

"i'm a fool" cupping her face and letting out a painful sob. "i wish it was you, i wish it was you who had found me so i would feel treasured. I know you'll treat me better and would never hurt me" she whispered, her voice tinged with sadness.

"i want to die but i can't, because jinyeon needs me"

i'm so sorry.

"i just want to breathe and be free but i can't cause this hurts" touching the spot where her heart was, she patted it.

"if only i could dictate what this thing should beat for and what it shouldn't, i'd do it"

"i'm tired, so so tired. why must this thing beat for him? he keeps on hurting me - telling me to have divorce, brought her mistress on a family day and let her touch my son,"

i'm so sorry, jiho.

"he's a monster, taehyung"

"jiho-"

"but you know what, tae?" slowly sitting up on the bed, i could see the way she wiped the tears away before her eyes landed on me. "-i'm still foolishly inlove with him"

and that was all it took, those words were all it took before i found myself loosing it as i cupped her face and crushed my lips against her.

I am really a monster.